illykitty's RF journal

[illykitty]

Oh hi! I haven't written on here for a while. I've had lots of things on my mind, lots of stress, anxiety, depression and worries so it's taken a toll on me.

Today however, I feel I had some breakthrough. Not just religion wise, but just overall in life. It might seem a bit obvious to some people who have already matured or have lots of life experience but... Up till now, especially in the last months, I've been trying to find my identity, where I fit, who I am, what I believe, what I like... Most people might think this is a teenager thing, but honestly, my life hasn't been "normal", it's been disrupted by many factors and mental illness affecting me from a young age.

Anyway, to get into the subject, I've been so desperately trying to find and categorise who I am that I was searching so much for specific labels and things that represent me. Today I realised it was a waste of time, that actually, both in religion, my tastes and my character, I'm just a very eclectic person. I love many things, there's many things that inspire me, that I am a creative person, that I love to explore and that's ok. That there's nothing wrong with me if I don't just decide on one thing. Maybe some people find this fickle, undecided and/or non-committal, but really, I feel I just appreciate a lot of things that makes me, "me".

I feel this is a step for me to accept myself, stop being so harsh, envious and comparing all the time, which caused a lot of unnecessary pain. I need to try to not think as much, feel more, go with it... To love myself a bit more. It's ok to be me, I don't have to be like other people.

Anyway thanks for reading... And well, I'm hoping this sticks in my mind. Well, I've always got this to remind myself if I forget.

 

[illykitty]

I'm trying to focus on figuring out some simple practices I could have, rather than obsessing over defining my beliefs. Problem is, I believe in some sort of "energy" that is in the cosmos (that being the universe and whatever else that might exist such as other universes) but whether it's pantheism, deism, or something similar to the Tao, I need to let go of those notions. Sure labels make describing one's ideas easier and it's meaningful in a conversation but I have a lot of difficulty with choosing terms which really represent how I feel about deity. Let's not start on my reverence of nature and virtues...

Because of my circumstances (depression), I want to keep my practises simple. I don't want to overburden myself and end up not practising or burn out. So I thought of some simple prayers of gratitude (as I don't believe the energy-deity-cosmos intervenes) and some altar ideas. Though at the moment having an altar proves challenging because of lack of space but I thought of some small solutions where I could combine everything I want in one bowl, have some incense and perhaps imagery or small statues which would work on a small shelf. What images? I don't know exactly but I'm trying to find some for compassion, creativity and loyalty aspects mainly... Perhaps I'd like something a little more fierce as I need some more self-belief (I am not very confident and wish I had more of that), maybe some positive, confident feminine power.

I just don't plan on having any elaborate rituals, I don't think I can cope with anything too demanding or complex. Plus it would probably feel awkward at the "level" I am at (newb). I also try to keep up with some short, simple daily meditation, often involving just sitting, closing my eyes, breathing and focusing on that. It helps with anxiety.

 

[illykitty]

Just when you think you're getting things together, life throws a wrench at you (or a hammer). My latest entry, omitting personal life stuff:

While I've made *some* progress to my spiritual journey, I keep wondering about the numerous paths. Asatru has been on my mind more than others (I've always loved the stories of the gods). But I'm not quite sure why I love it so much. I don't see myself as a strong person and I just have this perception of people adopting this religion (and some others too) almost embodying the gods themselves. I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel I lack a lot of of what is virtuous in Asatru, but in some way, perhaps it is this contradiction that feels attractive. Because I wish I was more like that. They are good virtues to uphold, good aspirations to aim for. I feel a lack of something in my own solitary religion, something seems incomplete. I sometimes wonder if I am depriving myself of something because of fear, because I see myself as weak (and thus not worthy).

So that's all of it. Reading it again now, I feel perhaps it's a lack of "challenge" to myself, my own path might be "tailor-made" for me, but perhaps that is a problem, that I just focus on things I already have. There could be more to it too. But whether it's my religion or another, I always find something to nitpick, though in Asatru, it's a little more than that. I mean, I don't know if the gods exist, aside from some people saying so. I'm very poetically challenged as well, I read a religious text, I have trouble interpreting things. Perhaps it's just unfamiliar to me... When I want to express something, I don't construct a poetic text, I tend to do art. It's a similar thing but I'm unfamiliar with the language of texts that have to be interpreted to know what they symbolise.

I'm not closed to the idea of gods existing, but I don't know how people encounter them. Again, perhaps it's simply that I am challenged in the "personal interpretation" department. Thor would need to literally throw his Mjölnir at my head for me to notice, and even then, I'm not sure if that would happen. I might brush it off as coincidence while others would say "d'uh". I just don't know how to do these things. I do crave to have gods, to be inspired by them, to feel some connection to something greater but more attainable, more personal (I believe in a pantheistic sort of "force/energy" that permeates everything and it's very abstract and impersonal, I equate it to the Cosmos, but it's complicated). Maybe I'm too god-dense.

Also, the last sentence of the entry is relevant to not only religion but a lot of things in life. There's many things I don't do because of that.

 

[illykitty]

So, after some more reflection and pondering, I have just accepted that I am who I am. I can't force myself into anything, even if it's something I appreciate, admire and even perhaps, to be completely honest, envy. It is hard to be on a solitary self-made path. I always doubt myself, my decisions and what I believe but I realised that maybe this is something worth going for. I previously felt like a path that I carved for myself would be free from challenges because it was just going along with what I think and feel but I have a different perspective now. I see that it is difficult. I also see that I perceived an already made religion as a lazy solution for myself. I wouldn't need to ponder, doubt, reflect, take and leave things, search and try, discard when it simply doesn't work, etc.

I thought my own path would be the "lazy way" but it is actually difficult. But perhaps it is also best, for me. I don't think I truly felt at home anywhere but in my own. I also have discarded the view that it is like a "buffet" belief. I understand the sentiment when it comes to certain cases but I don't think it is as such here.

I'm starting to feel more at peace and settled, in the sense that I am more certain about who I am and what's guiding me, even though it has no name. I feel my path is perhaps similar to some things, but I fear labelling it, people are sensitive about definitions and I don't want to get into that mess. It simply is what it is.

-----------------

And here's a summary, in a few sentences, of what I "believe", already posted elsewhere but also with a few bits added:

Nature and the Universe are important, I draw a lot of my awe/reverence from those. I don't deny their dark side however. I don't like to ignore "bad" parts of life but I still am optimistic, just not rose-coloured.

I have some virtues that are dear to me and although I fail sometimes, I strive to be the best "me" I can be. An example is compassion, I try to live it, often fail but never give up.

I kind of have an altar, but it's incomplete. I'd like some objects and a few symbols of nature and virtues on it. I'm not a very ritualistic person though, so it's there for short sessions and as a reminder of all that is important to me. Hopefully I can find what I have in mind.

I don't really believe in what people would call gods but I am not closed-minded about them. I'd rather think I'm kind of animistic (I feel connected to trees and the moon especially) and I also believe in a "deity" that is within everything... I don't believe it to be a being but rather like a "force" of nature, somewhat like how we view gravity. It is natural.

I notice and appreciate the cycles of nature and often tend to celebrate them, even if it's in a small way.

I may find some useful practices in some other religions/philosophies and attempt to carefully and respectfully apply them to my own practice and life... An example is meditation.

I don't believe in crystals/minerals, tarot, divination or anything like that in a literal way. I think they can help, as tools or imagery, but I don't think there's anything supernatural going on or that it's going to "magically" do anything. If it does anything, I think it is due to having a positive effect on the person's mind. I am undecided on using any of those.

If you haven't noticed, I am not into supernatural stuff but it doesn't mean that my beliefs are dry or lack in some way. I also realise there's no evidence about any of it but it makes me happy, fills my life and guides me. This doesn't hurt me or anyone else, and that's my criteria for personal choices.

 

[illykitty]

Well, I've started CBT a few weeks ago, and while it is helping in some ways, I've come to some profound realisations. I wonder how I am going to get better with depression and social anxiety if I can't get over some problems.

1- While I am getting better, I'm never going to reach the goal I set for myself if I can't get over this self-dislike and negative thoughts I have about myself. I've got such a negative view of myself, that I can't function very well. I already knew this but it's admitting it and saying it out loud that is painful and difficult.

2- This self-dislike is projected on others, or rather, I keep thinking that others are going to see these things in me too. That they'll notice whatever negative thing I think I am. I have this horrible concept of what my "self" is and everyone will see it, because I see it.

3- This dislike is also keeping me back, I don't feel I deserve nice things, or sometimes I fall back on the thought of why bother, why try? If I dislike myself so much why fight to better things? I mostly have negative traits, like a lack of discipline, so I'll just give up anyway. There's no point... Sometimes I'm just scared of what might happen if I can feel ok about myself, and still can't manage to do things I want to accomplish. I got this intense fear of failing even though I know rationally it's ridiculous.

So I've been looking into trying out some loving-kindness on myself. It feels like I'm so self-absorbed and at the same time, I readily show kindness and compassion towards others... I have none towards me. It feels icky to try to like myself or try to be ok with it, but if I don't try this, I'll stay miserable and I'll affect those around me negatively too. I don't want that.

I'm not 100% sure of where this self-dislike came from but it's probably just cumulative over many years, some bullying in childhood which maybe started it, then perhaps my thinking became the same, or even worse than those bullies (my mind at this point is a lot harsher actually). But I don't dwell on those incidents, it's just my mind that hasn't stopped thinking like this... I really need to heal, to disassociate with these thoughts and try to find positivity.

So far, the only thing that has slightly worked, is thinking of those thoughts as myself as child saying this to themselves and me being the adult reassuring that child. This is new to me, since I never treated it this way. But it has helped a little. But I'm trying to find as many different ways of doing it. This is all I have to say for now.

 

[illykitty]

Well I can say that social anxiety is getting better but I've been feeling quite depressed lately. :/

The only reason I am clinging to life is because of some people I know love me. Quite sad to say but true. I don't feel very motivated, to the point of my therapist asking me if I want change (which I do). I don't know what I want to do either, as in what to do with my life? If someone asked me "what if you could do any job and any hobby, what would they be?" I'd have no idea.

I just kind of feel quite empty and lifeless at the moment. I feel very lost as well. I don't feel I've got anything that is propelling me forwards.

 

[illykitty]

Well, I've come almost full circle. I have to admit to myself I am agnostic. I can't seem to be able to connect to the idea of theism.

The difference however, is that as a teen, I called myself an atheist. I was also very uninformed about religions and had a harsh black and white view of them. I feel now more informed, less harsh and recognise some good in religions.

Though I've got to say, my search isn't done, I still want to be part of something. I know of Buddhism, Humanists and UU (mixed beliefs), I wonder if there's other non-theistic groups?

But my search is kind of slowed down and taking a back seat now... I've got my CBT to do and that's taking already a lot of my energy to do.

 

[illykitty]

I haven't posted in a while because I've been sort of busy, things like this take a backseat, though it's still on my mind. I keep thinking I'll never find something that is a perfect fit for me, though I think if I give a real go to a few things, I might find something that is close enough. I know some religions are less dogmatic, so you don't *have* to believe everything... Or in my mind, it's not a matter of believing but to rather say, "it may or may not be so but to me, that's not the most important part". I don't think I made any real progress outwardly, but I feel my mind has transformed a bit. I've refined some of my thoughts and some things, I just don't know and accept that. It's no use to get anxious over something feel I might never know.

I don't feel certain about deities and decided to ignore that, since I don't find it very important. I feel ethics and self-improvement are the priority. I still feel something I still cannot describe but decided to not label that as deity. I think of it as awe and some sense of oneness. I know it sounds vague and woo-woo maybe, but with language being so limited and my vocabulary even more so, there's no way for me to communicate this effectively. I toyed with some concepts in my mind, like symbolic deities, animism, kami and so on, but I'm not sure if any of those are useful to me. I still keep and open mind and only time will tell. If I practice and find myself wanting to try something, then I'll give it a go.

On other side of things, I've "finished" CBT a while back. It's not truly finished because I have to do things on my own but I no longer have appointments. I feel mixed about it. It did help with certain things but not so much with some other. Social anxiety to me is easier to observe and rationalise with. I understand my thoughts better, can see them better. I feel CBT has giving me a bit more of a grip on that. Depression however, is a lot harder to deal with. I don't feel it is as easy to rationalise against, since the thoughts and feelings are very muddled and mixed... Unclear and so rapid and erratic. I know some tips to feel better, to do something when there's certain cases that happen, but doing is very difficult. Not only do I have mental blocks but physical too. I experience a lot of physical symptoms, extreme fatigue, muscle/joint pain, headaches, nausea, palpitations, sensitivity to noise/light, etc. So there's been some progress and I'm happy about it, but maybe I was expecting a bit more with depression. *Pats back* At least there's some progress.

One of the things I want to try out, to help myself, is find some kind of passion. I mean, sure, there's some things I like doing and some I love but cannot do on a regular basis... But I have no passion. Nothing that can make me feel good on a regular basis, nothing that makes me feel accomplished and keeps me going somewhere. I want to try out a few things and see whether it would be a right fit... And also maybe it could make me a little money, who knows? It's not my primary goal but it would be nice. I often feel the normal work life is unsuitable for me. I mean, if I felt better, I might be able to do it but it wouldn't be something I'd really want. My husband is lucky in that he's doing something he really loves and going to work for him is often something he is happy to do, even if there are some hiccups (as there is in any workplace). I wish I could find my own happy place. Even if I don't earn much.

Also, maybe I need a different kind of therapy, talk things out? Maybe I just have a lot of unsorted feelings and things I haven't dealt with. I suffer of self-esteem issues too, going from feeling ok on some days to totally loathing myself on others. I don't know if it would help, plus I find it very difficult to say what's wrong and to talk about my thoughts and feelings. It might seem like I am saying a lot here, but I'm not. It's not even the tip of the iceberg. Even to people really close to me, I often feel it difficult to tell them. It's also due to my mind not making sense to me, so I can't fully express what's going on but I also find it difficult to expose my thoughts and feelings when I can make some sense out of them. I frankly often find them ridiculous, and maybe they are, but I shouldn't bottle up. It's difficult to go against your default mode of being, when you've acted a certain way for so long...

On the bright side, my husband got a promotion. I was so happy for him since he's been giving a lot to his workplace and it finally paid off a little. They should have done so earlier, especially since he did a lot of things which weren't in his job grade and not his responsibilities but he's really good at what he's doing and they recognise that. So we'll be looking into moving and maybe a different environment will be good for me. I need to go out more and I don't really do it here because there's nothing around and it really doesn't motivate me to step outside. So that will be good. I'm looking forward to be somewhere else, somewhere more lively. Next year, hopefully, we find someplace that will have a big enough lounge for our massive electronics, games, dvd and books collections and will be in the right area. That's the most important factors for us, the rest is flexible. He's not looking forward to driving to work but we'll have some advantages of being able to go out more often and enjoy ourselves... Live closer to our friends too. So it's pretty good!

Last point, I'll be going off to Canada soon, to visit my family... I haven't seen them in a long time (over 2 years, I think) so it will be great. I won't be on often, though lately I haven't anyway. Just a heads up, if anyone sees this.

Wow, anyone that managed to read all of this... Major kudos! Didn't think there was so much to say!

 

[illykitty]

Pantheism is perhaps the best fitting label which is in line with how I feel about the cosmos and nature.

Of course though, I still doubt any sort of being/consciousness creator deity so my pantheism is materialistic (physical stuff, not dualistic). The cosmos, as anyone sees it, is what I revere. There's nothing supernatural about it. It is my god, as is nature, our Earth and so on, but only if you use the word to mean whatever one worships/reveres. Dawkins would say it's "sexed-up atheism".

Agnostic, atheist, pantheist. All three of these words could fit me, though I do favour the latter the most since it does represent my attitude, my aesthetic and emotional response towards the awe I feel when I look at the night sky. When I look up and see the stars and the moon, I feel I want to reach up and dissolve into it. It's a spiritual or mystical feeling, a trance...

I'm not entirely sure if I would be considered a theist or an atheist, or perhaps just beyond those terms? On a personal level, I'm fine with this mess but trying to put this into words to explain this to someone is pretty difficult.

Maybe saying I'm atheist but revere cosmos and nature would be simple enough? Heck, not even sure if that makes sense. I know my past self from about a decade ago would have raised an eyebrow and be like "Oooookay... (Internal voice: I totally don't get it)."

But then again, I think @Quintessence has influenced my understanding of conceptual words such as gods, worship and so on. Totally your fault I'm in this mess. But seriously, thanks.

 

[Quintessence]

LOL... welcome to the mess, I guess. You have my condolences.

I guess I had a point in the past where I realized I was letting other people define these those things for me, which was really narrowing my thinking about gods in ways I didn't even realize. Looking back on it you go "boy, I wasn't even really Christian and I was stuck in Christian, classical monotheist ways of thinking about gods, theology, and religion... yikes!"

 

[illykitty]

LOL... welcome to the mess, I guess. You have my condolences.

I guess I had a point in the past where I realized I was letting other people define these those things for me, which was really narrowing my thinking about gods in ways I didn't even realize. Looking back on it you go "boy, I wasn't even really Christian and I was stuck in Christian, classical monotheist ways of thinking about gods, theology, and religion... yikes!"

That's true and it must be difficult to explain to others, since most (and I include myself in this, especially my past self) have little knowledge about theology.

After a while of thinking about it, it just made me more confused about it. I let it go and realised maybe I'm happy as is. Perhaps it's not as important to me whether they're considered gods or not. I know it sounds contradictory to what you just said, but in a way, I guess maybe I don't really mind if people think I'm an atheist or a theist. I don't feel it's part of my core identity and I don't feel attached to the word god. I don't even use that word to talk about the cosmos and nature. They're just those words and what they imply, nothing more. I just revere them. Whether people think theism or atheism when they see this, I don't feel all that bothered about it.

Part of my overthinking was because it makes it difficult to explain to others, I guess I was just looking for a short way to say what it is without making a lecture. It's also impractical in the sense that it's difficult for me to chose a label on RF!

 

[illykitty]

I haven't posted in this for a while, but basically I've been a bit more depressed lately. I probably need to talk to someone, well, a professional. I don't know if I need solutions, per say, I've done CBT for a few months so I know of some steps and have made a bit of progress but I feel like often there's stuff on my chest that weighs down on me.

I can of course talk to some people, like my husband and mom, but I don't feel like talking to them all the time. It's not so much that I am closing myself, but rather I feel I'd be "dumping" all of this negative stuff on them and it doesn't feel great to do it all the time. I do open up from time to time, like today, it felt good to just talk and my husband just listening. He didn't offer any solutions, I just talked and kind of figured some stuff out on my own. I won't say what it is exactly but basically I figured I wanted to avoid facing my problems. It just felt helpful to voice some things aloud to him. So maybe I just need that, but you know, someone that does this as a job. I love my husband and he already shoulders a lot, so I don't want to overburden him. I know he's there if I need comfort but I feel that it would be best for both of us if I tried to talk to someone else.

Also, I'm possibly considering trying out some other medication. I'm a little apprehensive but at the same time, I kind of want to see if I can boost my mood until I can help myself a bit better. Social anxiety got better but depression is lurking like a shadow in my life at the moment. I still get to be happy from time to time, specifically when I'm going out and doing something fun... But on other days I have so many negative feelings lately, not just sadness but also frustration, anxiety, impatience, restless and yet tired, and so on. I really can't stand it but I feel so pessimistic or apathetic, I can hardly get myself to do anything.

I think if I didn't have a cat to take care of, I wouldn't even get out of bed. But it so happens that he wakes me up to feed him and get cuddles so there's that. I would never neglect him.

But no worries, I'm in no danger, I do want to live, I've got reasons to do so. It's just a bit painful at times and I need more help. I went to the doctor today for another reason but I did mention my depressive state and she offered me help, but I'll need to go to another appointment for that. So I've taken steps already. Hopefully I can move forward some more.

And one last thing before I end this post, relating to all of this... I don't really have a big support group here. It's pretty much just my husband and my cat. I do have a couple of friends but I don't tend to talk to them much about these things. My family is very far from me, I can talk on the phone to my mom but it's tough to not have many people in person. My father in law is a great person, he helps us out so much with practical things but he's not the person I'd go to either. And the rest of my husband's family is a no-go...

Basically, I wish I had a community and support group. I don't know where I'd find that but, all I can say is that I get why people seek out religions and the community that comes with it. I like talking to people online but you know, I do wish there was more people in life I could connect with. Maybe after taking a few more steps I could participate in some group, I don't know what yet exactly but I'm hopeful.

 

[illykitty]

Well, I've recently been to the doctor's, I'm trying out some medication for depression. There's some side effects but it should be gone in about 1 and a half week. The worse is that I feel a bit sickly, nauseous and shaky. Had also a few nights of bad sleep but that seems to be starting to get better. Apart from that, she advised to get some form of counselling, since I've already done CBT. Though that sort of one-on-one therapy isn't payed by the NHS so I'd have to go private and pay out of my pocket. I'm considering it though. The last thing that I'm doing is that I'm trying to go out more and trying to think of things to do, to try to get out of my head an experience reality a bit more. It seems to help.

Speaking of the latter, I've come across a few podcasts lately which were talking about religion. There were two ex-Christian pastors, though one of them still goes to churches to talk and preach. They had some interesting things to say and one of them mentioned how when he uses the word god, he means reality.

"Reality is my god,
evidence is my scripture,
big history is my creation story,
ecology is my theology,
integrity is my spiritual path."
-Rev. Michael Dowd

I can really relate to this. I don't believe in anything supernatural but to me, reality, the universe, nature, it's god to me. I don't think any sort of crazy miracles happened, the real miracle is this universe, this chance of us becoming aware - the universe being aware through us. I felt really inspired by his talks. He still uses some Christian language, which I don't really relate to but it's interesting to hear how he interprets theology and the myths.

I guess it helps that he spent some time with pagans and other religions, he got that perspective and made it work for himself.

Well, what I'm trying to say is that I'm starting to get more comfortable with this nuanced way of seeing things. I still don't know what that makes me, label-wise, but I feel fine being who I am. I find it useful to not be an atheist, but being someone that sees reality as god. It gives me a relationship to reality and I can connect to it better than before.

 

[illykitty]

Well, to be honest lately I've been feeling shaky. Maybe the meds aren't helping. I often am scared I will be stuck with the same issues going in circles my whole life.

Another piece of honesty, I can understand why people turn to religion. When you've tried lots of conventional stuff and nothing works, it's either that, some form of addiction or some permanent solution I don't even want to mention. Side note, no worries there's no danger of me harming myself. I'm simply saying that often when you're desperate it's the sort of things you turn to.

It's just been bothering me a lot lately, my mind keeps wandering around organised religions as something for me to grasp and hold on to because of how I feel. I doubt that would help me either but doesn't stop my brain from keeping looking around desperately.

If anyone has any insights, I'd like to hear it, either here or a PM.

 

[illykitty]

Been doing better since getting my part time job, I have much less low mood and while I still feel anxious, I am in a service industry so talking to people is something I have to do and I'm not too bad!

Maybe it's too soon to tell but, even though I have this now, I am occupied with something... It still hasn't filled that void I feel. I still feel the need to fulfil a "spiritual" need.

I also keep questioning if certain things are "just" coincidences or something more. But sometimes I also think that maybe it doesn't matter and I should just roll with it. As long as I'm not feeling uncomfortable, as long as I'm still ethical and it's not harming anyone... I keep thinking perhaps it doesn't matter.

To elaborate, I've asked ancestors, spirits and the all - the universe (or deity) to guide me and give me strength to overcome my problems. And so many things have gone right. From getting this opportunity to being able to go through it all... I didn't think I could get it AND do it. So regardless of what happened here, I thank my ancestors, spirits and deity for everything and continue to ask for help and guidance. It doesn't mean I won't have tough times ahead, but to be able to go through it is what matters here.

I don't really know where to go from there, spirituality wise, but I meditate, I thank, I give offerings and I try to connect to nature... I light a candle and perhaps sometime I'll set up a proper little space for it all. For now it's just on some plastic storage drawers, I'd prefer to give a nicer space for all of this, give some respect and reverence. I'm going to read some books to see if I can find something relevant that might inspire me to add something to all of this, practice-wise. So far, I found some druidry books and I know there's some courses I could order but it's a big investment for something I'm not sure I'd gain anything from. I'm sure @Quintessence knows what I'm talking about.

 

[illykitty]

Well, I'm still trying to get used to working, so I'm not doing all that much, spirituality-wise. I've continued to thank ancestors, spirits and deities, and ask them for strength to withstand obstacles and issues that might come my way. I'm not asking for them to remove them, nor to do any sort of miracles, just for some help.

Also, I had an interesting insight about Norse mythology the other day. I don't know if it's anywhere near the common understanding of it, but it was my subjective view... Anyway, there's the story of the end - Ragnarok. The Gods knew about it, they also knew they would battle and die. However they still go through it.

You can see a parallel in human life. It is a never ending struggle, worse for some than others. And we know we will die. However most of us persist and go on fighting, even if the end is the same for everyone. Why do this?

Even if we know we will die, life is worth fighting for. All of the struggle leads to something. Even if you live your entire life in deep struggle, you will at least die a death fighting... Be a valiant hero. And for most of us, at least here in the West, often with our pain comes joy too. It's not always all darkness and sorrow, it's not all fighting and no rejoicing (with mead)! You can chose to see all of this struggle as pointless, or you can see it as a demonstration of virtue.

There's more insights to be gained from this part of the myth, I only focused on a detail of it, but that's all I've got for now. I'm not sure I did my thoughts justice here, it's a little hard to put into words, but with this lesson learned from the myth, it's helped me feel more optimistic and continue my own life's battle!

 

[illykitty]

I'm not working again. My mental illnesses flared up, I got OTT anxious and depressed, got signed off work and stuff. It's a little disappointing but I'd rather not work than to end up in a hospital.

I've got such a huge battle with all of this, sometimes I get very overwhelmed. I know I've made some progress but I wish it could happen a bit faster.

Well, for now I'm focusing on getting better, I have medication and I'm seeking some therapy too. Should have a phone call soon from the service. But I'll need to think about what I'd like to try out next, what could work for myself since I don't seem to get along well with more common jobs. Plus I don't really have much education or qualifications so, I'll need to find some sort of niche, some form of light self-employment maybe.

 

[Deidre]

Thinking of you today, @illykitty - sorry to hear of some of your struggles. Don't have much insight but know that what you're feeling isn't uncommon, I sometimes feel overwhelmed too, for different reasons. Sending you good thoughts and hugs from faraway

 

[illykitty]

Thinking of you today, @illykitty - sorry to hear of some of your struggles. Don't have much insight but know that what you're feeling isn't uncommon, I sometimes feel overwhelmed too, for different reasons. Sending you good thoughts and hugs from faraway

Aww, thanks Deidre, and no worries, I know it's not a unique problem, but it does make me feel kind of hopeless sometimes. I'm taking 4 pills per day to try to manage my condition, and then there's other pills for other things (I have stomach issues which may or may not be due to anxiety and stress) so it sucks sometimes.

But I know that even if I don't fully get better, some people manage their condition and learn to work with it, even if it takes time to find it. I might not ever be anyone great but having a nice little life for myself is enough to make me content. As long as I can have enough money for small luxuries and traveling, I'm happy at least some of the time.

Hope this wasn't too weird or incoherent.

 

[Debater Slayer]

I'm not working again. My mental illnesses flared up, I got OTT anxious and depressed, got signed off work and stuff. It's a little disappointing but I'd rather not work than to end up in a hospital.

I've got such a huge battle with all of this, sometimes I get very overwhelmed. I know I've made some progress but I wish it could happen a bit faster.

Well, for now I'm focusing on getting better, I have medication and I'm seeking some therapy too. Should have a phone call soon from the service. But I'll need to think about what I'd like to try out next, what could work for myself since I don't seem to get along well with more common jobs. Plus I don't really have much education or qualifications so, I'll need to find some sort of niche, some form of light self-employment maybe.

You're in my thoughts. Thanks for keeping this thread updated so that we can know how you're doing.

*hugs*