illykitty's RF journal

[illykitty]

There is a thread I made years ago about advice, feeling confused, I feel it is quite irrelevant now. This one is more of an online journal... I wish it was under my profile, as personal blog, instead of being on the forums, feels a bit too exposed but... Oh well!

My intentions are for this to be a smaller version of my private journal, focusing on religion of course and without private life matters. I don't mind comments or discussions, it's the reason I'm writing this, so people can perhaps relate, find something interesting here and there or not at all. I like new perspectives. I don't know how often I will post an entry, as with my real journal it will happen when I feel like writing, no schedule.

My main concern at this time, is named deities. How I failed to connect with any named deities. I tried so many, from monotheistic to Hindu, to various Pagan ones... I still am trying with Saraswati, but nothing. My only reference of her was in a dream and she handed me over to something else. I'm really starting to wonder if maybe I'm really in the wrong area of divinity. Maybe I'm fighting against my self, my nature. I know the two umbrella religions that are dear to me allow many different outlooks though, so that's not so much of a concern for now. I need something I've experienced as real, as tangible to me, personally. Not someone else's words.

So, there's still this inexplicable unity, energy that flows in all, web of life, that I can't see, but I felt... I don't know what it is exactly, I still call myself a pan(en)theist because that's the label that makes the most sense, but I haven't worshipped it in the traditional sense... Rather, at times, I just meditate or stare at the night sky and feel it. Nothing more. And then, maybe I want to worship my own deities, aspects of reality... It would feel more real and tangible to me than some old gods I can't seem to find. I'm not sure how far I want to go. It could be as simple as only keeping in touch with the Energy, to worshipping/revering various aspects of nature, to as far as deities that embody the values that are dear to me. I want to spend the foreseeable future experimenting with these, see what works for me, what doesn't.

It's really hard sometimes to put these into words, I know this is only for myself and that perhaps words don't matter all that much, but it's me, trying to understand, to explain, my feelings and what's going on in my head.

P.S. I still want to visit a Hindu temple, when I can... It's still to hard for me to go outside alone, but someday I'll make it happen, no matter my beliefs and so on. I'm the type of person who has to experience a lot of things. If I'm not meant to be Hindu in this life, maybe the next, but at least there's many good things to learn from it.

 

[mainliner]

There is a thread I made years ago about advice, feeling confused, I feel it is quite irrelevant now. This one is more of an online journal... I wish it was under my profile, as personal blog, instead of being on the forums, feels a bit too exposed but... Oh well!

My intentions are for this to be a smaller version of my private journal, focusing on religion of course and without private life matters. I don't mind comments or discussions, it's the reason I'm writing this, so people can perhaps relate, find something interesting here and there or not at all. I like new perspectives. I don't know how often I will post an entry, as with my real journal it will happen when I feel like writing, no schedule.

My main concern at this time, is named deities. How I failed to connect with any named deities. I tried so many, from monotheistic to Hindu, to various Pagan ones... I still am trying with Saraswati, but nothing. My only reference of her was in a dream and she handed me over to something else. I'm really starting to wonder if maybe I'm really in the wrong area of divinity. Maybe I'm fighting against my self, my nature. I know the two umbrella religions that are dear to me allow many different outlooks though, so that's not so much of a concern for now. I need something I've experienced as real, as tangible to me, personally. Not someone else's words.

So, there's still this inexplicable unity, energy that flows in all, web of life, that I can't see, but I felt... I don't know what it is exactly, I still call myself a pan(en)theist because that's the label that makes the most sense, but I haven't worshipped it in the traditional sense... Rather, at times, I just meditate or stare at the night sky and feel it. Nothing more. And then, maybe I want to worship my own deities, aspects of reality... It would feel more real and tangible to me than some old gods I can't seem to find. I'm not sure how far I want to go. It could be as simple as only keeping in touch with the Energy, to worshipping/revering various aspects of nature, to as far as deities that embody the values that are dear to me. I want to spend the foreseeable future experimenting with these, see what works for me, what doesn't.

It's really hard sometimes to put these into words, I know this is only for myself and that perhaps words don't matter all that much, but it's me, trying to understand, to explain, my feelings and what's going on in my head.

P.S. I still want to visit a Hindu temple, when I can... It's still to hard for me to go outside alone, but someday I'll make it happen, no matter my beliefs and so on. I'm the type of person who has to experience a lot of things. If I'm not meant to be Hindu in this life, maybe the next, but at least there's many good things to learn from it.

in not sure what your asking or looking for but in certainly looking for answers .

you said ...."It would feel more real and tangible to me than some old gods I can't seem to find. I'm not sure how far I want to go. It could be as simple as only keeping in touch with the Energy"

by energy do you mean the light?

 

[illykitty]

in not sure what your asking or looking for but in certainly looking for answers .

you said ...."It would feel more real and tangible to me than some old gods I can't seem to find. I'm not sure how far I want to go. It could be as simple as only keeping in touch with the Energy"

by energy do you mean the light?

I mean an underlying energy, which I think is within everything, that I felt during meditation. Like the theistic concept of pan(en)theism. I call it energy but really I don't know what it is, spirit, light, energy? I'm not sure a human term really can capture what it is. But only saying "it" or "that" is a bit too empty for me, I need to somewhat label it in a way that makes sense to me, hence energy...

It also goes with the scientific law of conservation of energy, in which it is said that energy is neither created nor destroyed, but transforms... So in a way, we're all energy in different forms... But I interpret it in a spiritual way, not just materialistic.

The light isn't really precise, what do you mean by the light? Is this how you perceive it?

And I'm not really asking anything, it's a journal of my spiritual journey, which people can respond to and read if they want to. Some people might have outlooks and insights which I haven't thought of, hence why I decided to make my journey public... It's good to be exposed to different viewpoints, since sometimes one can be stuck in a loop.

 

[Jainarayan]

It sounds like Animism:

...the worldview that non-human entities (animals, plants, and inanimate objects or phenomena) possess a spiritual essence.
Animism - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[illykitty]

It sounds like Animism:

Yeah I've contemplated on that in the past weeks... It's really confusing. I'm not exactly sure how to categorise my beliefs. And honestly I still struggle with really knowing the difference between pantheism and animism. Or even I wonder if they work together...

Well no one said that this was going to be quick or easy...

 

[Jainarayan]

Yeah I've contemplated on that in the past weeks... It's really confusing. I'm not exactly sure how to categorise my beliefs. And honestly I still struggle with really knowing the difference between pantheism and animism. Or even I wonder if they work together...

Well no one said that this was going to be quick or easy...

Despite what the Wiki article focuses on, it does say that "Some religions are both pantheistic and animistic". For example, I think an argument could be made that Asatru is animistic and pantheistic as well as polytheistic. How?

• Polytheism is a given.
• Animistic: everything has a spirit, the land the water, the air; there are spirits of forests, mountains; ancestor spirits. I'll link to a page that explains it better than I can. Animism - Norse Mythology for Smart People We have individual souls, spirits or essences. We are not part of a whole as in Hinduism.
• Pantheistic: Pantheism - Norse Mythology for Smart People

Now, I'm not trying to sell you on Asatru or any form of Paganism or Heathenism (so, no one report me for rule 8 ); rather, I want to point out how animism, polytheism and pantheism can and do work together. I think if you start with those as your infrastructure, you can build on that, with or without named deities.

 

[mainliner]

It also goes with the scientific law of conservation of energy in which it is said that energy is neither created nor destroyed, but transforms... So in a way, we're all energy in different forms... But I interpret it in a spiritual way, not just materialistic.



^^^ the sciencey bit to energy is simple "LIGHT"

the electromagnetic spectrum explains that light is energy and can be split into all the colurs of the rainbow ......and some!!

all colurs of the rainbow out of the visible light spectrum ( uv light etc) is just invisible light but full of energy.........THE ENERGY IS THE SOURCE OF THE LIGHT wether its visable or not .

the colourfull world you see today is just light up from the source of light and reflected back to your eye to love and enjoy ........ Spiritually

hope this helps

 

[mainliner]

I do apologize for my lack of knowledge about religion...... But you just sounded confused.

so i thought id try to help

 

[Smart_Guy]

Hey Illy, this is not helpful to this thread, but I just wanted to wish you good luck

 

[Rick O'Shez]

I'm not exactly sure how to categorise my beliefs.

Maybe you don't need to. Just explore the experience?

 

[mainliner]

Try to not analyze things to much .......... Its your confusion that makes you confused

 

[Rick O'Shez]

Thinking just gets in the way sometimes....well, actually most of the time.

 

[mainliner]

It certainly does ....... A silently thought is the way to the truth for me

 

[Deidre]

My gosh, your journal here and the things you are reflecting on really resonate with me. I identify myself as an atheist, but I have an open mind to the potential that might very well exist. No one knows for certain, whether there exists a deity or set of deities or not. Perhaps, it's in the not knowing and not needing to know, that I've let go of labels, and just try to enjoy my life as best I can. I'm glad I saw your journal today, it is very insightful.

 

[illykitty]

My gosh, your journal here and the things you are reflecting on really resonate with me. I identify myself as an atheist, but I have an open mind to the potential that might very well exist. No one knows for certain, whether there exists a deity or set of deities or not. Perhaps, it's in the not knowing and not needing to know, that I've let go of labels, and just try to enjoy my life as best I can. I'm glad I saw your journal today, it is very insightful.

@Deidre Oh good, it's great that you found it interesting. It's good, in my opinion, to keep an open mind... No matter one's beliefs or lack of.

I'm still clinging to theism somewhat, because of that energy or my interpretation of what I feel. Different people interpret the same thing differently. I've started to really see how subjective certain things are in the past few months.

------

On another subject, I'd really like to make another entry, but there's been a lot of events lately keeping my mind elsewhere and for the past few days, I've been experiencing vertigo a lot. Hard to concentrate on anything.

 

[Sha'irullah]

You remind me of me and my shot at Paganism. I never reconciled it obviously. Polytheism brings into question so much especially in regards to culture and context. Polytheistic deities are only important when you keep a specific and archaic mindset. They were fashioned to be worshiped and venerated by people of a specific culture, time and period.
This is why the monotheistic ones do well, because even though they are fashioned in the same conditions they do not exit as vague unknown characters. They have pseudo documentation (scripture) to support their existence as some thing significant.
Look at it like this, why would you worship Zeus when he is not needed to understand lightning or express monarchy. We know where and what lightning is and we do not live nor value monarchy. Polytheistic gods are dead and redefining them is just making new gods.

Allah is far more relatable than Enlil, Ishtar, Persephone, Minerva, Baldr, Krsna, or Uke Mochi. All of them are imports that can never be understood properly.
If you wanna be a pagan I recommend Pagan monotheism or Paganism animism.

 

[illykitty]

@Sha'irullah Well I'm leaning towards animism and/or worshipping natural things. I still don't know how to classify myself (not that it's all THAT important). It might get clearer with time and practise.

I couldn't relate to named deities, as you say, thus why I propose worshipping something that is meaningful to me directly. I've had an attraction to the moon ever since I was little, so that's one example. I also very much like the idea of worshipping concepts to cultivate them within oneself, such as compassion.

I also believe in an underlying force or deity present in everything. So there's that.

Putting it all together, I have no idea what comes out of it, but it's my path. It's something I can accept and that feels real to me. People talk about tradition and sticking to rules... I can't follow something because X person said so, I have to find out by myself what works and what doesn't.

Though I admit at the moment I have trouble putting things into practise because of depression. Even fun and interesting things feel like a chore sometimes.

 

[illykitty]

Since last time I posted, I've been looking at some more ideas, drawing from naturalism and humanism... I still feel though that some connection to nature is very important to be (which is a bit ironic since I'm agoraphobic - I'm scared of leaving home on my own). I do spend some time in my garden though and love to look at the night sky.

I find myself getting distant from needing to be sure about notions of god and the "unknown". Sure, there's part of me that wants there to be more to this life than what seems to be mundane and part of me that is sick of speculation and unfounded beliefs. Oh here look, contradicting sentences again. It seems a lot clearer inside.

I guess I'm attracted to the idea that there's many things we don't know, so much possibilities and it feels like, I need something to fill my life with awe and wonder... But I don't want "woo". So I remain agnostic, though I can still identify with pantheism, and not worry too much about what I don't know.

Regardless if there's more to this life, this universe, I still remain attached to some reverence, or outright worship for aspects that matter to me. I've been trying to start again with practising meditation, as it isn't just a good practice spiritually, but it helps with negativity that accompanies depression.

I've also got several websites bookmarked on humanistic naturalistic paganism, to explore a different side to all this. I want to have a look again at some eastern teachings of Taoism and Buddhism, more the philosophical sides of it... Could take a while though, I still feel depression is hitting me hard lately, with feeling bored with almost everything.

So all of this to say, I want to try to speculate less, healthier for my anxious mind, ground myself, focus on self-development, applying ethics... Try to get into the good habit of meditating everyday, doesn't matter how long, it's the repetition of doing it everyday that matters most, I have to get back into it anyway and it won't be easy. Especially that I tend to be hard on myself for not doing something correctly straight away.

Anyway, that's more or less what I wrote in my last (paper) journal. It will probably be a while again until the next because I have to read all of those bookmarks and my motivation levels fluctuate. Before then, it's more than likely there won't be any new insight (unless something unexpected happens).

 

[illykitty]

Just felt like adding that this is where my seeking has taken me:

The Spiritual Naturalist Society |

It might be what I've been looking for... A middle between rationality and religion. Religious naturalism. Taking what is important from faith, the essence, and leaving superstitions, supernatural and "woo" behind. There's still room for awe, wonder and metaphoric language though.

Haven't found any issues with it so far, which is a first for me. I can usually poke holes in things easily (including my own past speculations and attempts to form my own personal religion). So I'm hoping I can stick with this and continue to develop with it.

As people can be from any faith, philosophy or none at all, it gives me freedom to still enjoy my Pagan leaning and learn from many other ways of thinking.

That's pretty much all I had on my mind at the moment.

 

[illykitty]

Haven't been posting quite as much lately. Part of it is depression making me uninterested in certain things, and part of it is that I'm unsure if there's much more I can contribute to this place. I'm a little feeling out of place or something, I'm not quite sure what my unease is.

I feel I'm strangely in between theism and atheism, where I don't really care too much if one were to decide to call me either one of those. I call myself an agnostic, but it's more of a position for me than simply being unsure. It's more like, I'm unsure and it doesn't matter to me either way, I worship/revere for my own reasons rather than if there's a literal god or not.

It's very subjective, it's very nature centric. People of course know nature is around us, but don't call it god(s). However, to me it matters less if there are beings and it matters more what the subject means to me. The awe that nature gives me, is enough to call it god for me, my pantheism is resulting from that. There's such grandeur, yet so many details, creative and destructive... I don't sugar coat it, there is both terror and beauty. That's what gives me awe. It's hard to fully explain my perspective and words aren't adequate.

So I'm not taking a break from here, but I don't feel I have much to contribute at the moment.