If Your Spouse Is Abusive, Is It OK To Cheat?

[doppelganger]

I agree.

I do too. Seeing as how marriage is a contract, I think a little legal understanding might be helpful to understand how contracts ordinarily work. To be clear, this is not actually how the law regards "cheating," which it largely and appropriately tries to ignore as best as possible in most states through the enactment of "no fault" statutes.

But when it comes to general contract principles, a party who has committed a serious "material" breach of an agreement is usually barred from complaining about another party's subsequent refusal to honor a contract under the doctrine of "unclean hands." Put another way, a party that refuses to perform an essential term of a contract can be said to have "repudiated" the contract, thereby excusing the other party from their obligation to continue to perform their part of the agreement.

I think it's fair to say that, for purposes of the ethics (remember, the law doesn't really get into sexual infidelity that much most of the time) of "cheating," a pattern of significant abuse (physical, psychological, sexual, neglect) constitutes a material breach that would arise to the level of unclean hands or repudiation.

Now, is it a good idea to use legal concepts from contract law to define the normative ethical principles for marriage in the first place? Because if we do, it's rather easy to say that it is "okay to cheat" if your spouse is abusive.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

It seems to me that it would be counter-intuitive to cheat on an abusive spouce.

I mean, wouldn't the abuse get worse if this were to happen?

 

[MysticSang'ha]

It seems to me that it would be counter-intuitive to cheat on an abusive spouce.

I mean, wouldn't the abuse get worse if this were to happen?

All an abusive spouse has to do is convince himself or herself of indiscretions on the part of the other party. If she smiled at their neighbor. If he closed his email when she walked into the room. If she bought sexy lingerie for the first time in ten years. If his libido increased significantly......or decreased significantly.

And yes, the abuse does get worse when the abuser is convinced their spouse is cheating. That's why I advise against looking for love elsewhere until one has safeguards in place.

And I, like Kathryn and Draka, have lived through such scenarios in the past. The last thing on my mind when I was married to my first husband was to find or even accept love and affection from someone else. I had enough on my plate making sure that I showed him the time on my receipts from the grocery store when I went food shopping to prove I was only there for an hour and nothing more.

And sometimes that wasn't enough to convince him that I was only at the store.

My life was 24/7 on survival instinct to make everything look absolutely perfect for my husband so he wouldn't put a bruise on my face or a bump on my head that I'd have to lie about. I couldn't even fathom covering up an outside relationship in addition to having to explain "inconsistencies" in his mind on day to day goings-on in our house.

All I can say is if I ever were to entertain such a thought back then, I'd be dead today. Doesn't matter how I myself, the law, or my spouse defines the word "cheating."

 

[doppelganger]

It seems to me that it would be counter-intuitive to cheat on an abusive spouce.

I mean, wouldn't the abuse get worse if this were to happen?

The prudency of doing so is a different question that what is asked in the OP. It would depend on the circumstances. Prolonged neglect is a form of abuse. And psychological abuse occurs apart from physical threats as well.

 

[Willamena]

In response to the subject line, two wrongs don't make a right.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

All I can say is if I ever were to entertain such a thought back then, I'd be dead today. Doesn't matter how I myself, the law, or my spouse defines the word "cheating."

That's precisely my point.

I would think that getting out of the abusive relationship should be the priority.

 

[Draka]

All an abusive spouse has to do is convince himself or herself of indiscretions on the part of the other party. If she smiled at their neighbor. If he closed his email when she walked into the room. If she bought sexy lingerie for the first time in ten years. If his libido increased significantly......or decreased significantly.

And yes, the abuse does get worse when the abuser is convinced their spouse is cheating. That's why I advise against looking for love elsewhere until one has safeguards in place.

And I, like Kathryn and Draka, have lived through such scenarios in the past. The last thing on my mind when I was married to my first husband was to find or even accept love and affection from someone else. I had enough on my plate making sure that I showed him the time on my receipts from the grocery store when I went food shopping to prove I was only there for an hour and nothing more.

And sometimes that wasn't enough to convince him that I was only at the store.

My life was 24/7 on survival instinct to make everything look absolutely perfect for my husband so he wouldn't put a bruise on my face or a bump on my head that I'd have to lie about. I couldn't even fathom covering up an outside relationship in addition to having to explain "inconsistencies" in his mind on day to day goings-on in our house.

All I can say is if I ever were to entertain such a thought back then, I'd be dead today. Doesn't matter how I myself, the law, or my spouse defines the word "cheating."

With some abusers it really doesn't matter if you are cheating or not, they will always think you are. My second husband was very "protective" of "his property". A very jealous man. If I spoke to another man in passing, I was automatically "screwing around". I was not "allowed" to have male friends unless they were his friends and he was with me at all times around them. He was also quite obsessed with sex and pretty much expected me to have sex with him at the drop of a hat (which he would drop a LOT) and if I refused he threw fits (destroy stuff, try to lay guilt trips, etc). This was before he went to prison. Now understand that he did go to prison for something he did not do. When he went to prison it wasn't long before the "****" and "whore" words started to get thrown around. He "knew" I was cheating and proceeded with insinuations, insults and even threats. I was stupid...I remained faithful to him despite this stuff for quite a while. I felt obliged to stay with him because I knew he was in there falsely but that was really no reason to stay. I eventually realized that it wasn't worth putting up with anymore. Though, unlike my first husband, he never got physically abusive (though I think the main reason for that was that he knew if he did one of his one brothers would whoop the crap out of him - not to mention that when we played around wrestling one time I actually took him down fair and square) with me my second husband was very cruel and controlling and jealous and manipulating and...that was just as much abuse as my first husband throwing me into walls and strangling me. I also realized that I had the perfect and easiest "out" a person could hope for...he was in prison. He couldn't actually do anything to me (despite his insistence that he had someone on the outside "keeping tabs" on me). So it was pretty easy to just box up his stuff and drop it off with his brother and file and serve papers to him. He could *****, moan, groan, ****, insult, and complain...but he couldn't actually DO anything.

Looking back I always wonder one thing...if I was going to get accused of cheating and be treated like I was cheating all the time...why didn't I just cheat?

 

[outhouse]

It seems to me that it would be counter-intuitive to cheat on an abusive spouce.

I mean, wouldn't the abuse get worse if this were to happen?

thats what my point was exactly.

if your unhappy enough sleep with someone else its time to leave said relationship

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Is it okay to abuse a cheating spouse?

 

[outhouse]

Is it okay to abuse a cheating spouse?

no ,,,, its never OK to abuse anyone and cheating is a sign of lack of charactor despite said relationship woes.

but if your in a abusive relationship and you literally start pushing buttons you could get yourself killed

 

[Kathryn]

All an abusive spouse has to do is convince himself or herself of indiscretions on the part of the other party. If she smiled at their neighbor. If he closed his email when she walked into the room. If she bought sexy lingerie for the first time in ten years. If his libido increased significantly......or decreased significantly.

And yes, the abuse does get worse when the abuser is convinced their spouse is cheating. That's why I advise against looking for love elsewhere until one has safeguards in place.

And I, like Kathryn and Draka, have lived through such scenarios in the past. The last thing on my mind when I was married to my first husband was to find or even accept love and affection from someone else. I had enough on my plate making sure that I showed him the time on my receipts from the grocery store when I went food shopping to prove I was only there for an hour and nothing more.

And sometimes that wasn't enough to convince him that I was only at the store.

My life was 24/7 on survival instinct to make everything look absolutely perfect for my husband so he wouldn't put a bruise on my face or a bump on my head that I'd have to lie about. I couldn't even fathom covering up an outside relationship in addition to having to explain "inconsistencies" in his mind on day to day goings-on in our house.

All I can say is if I ever were to entertain such a thought back then, I'd be dead today. Doesn't matter how I myself, the law, or my spouse defines the word "cheating."

Sister, you NAILED IT. In many physically abusive relationships, a woman would literally be taking her life in her hands to have an actual affair.

I spent several hours one night in the emergency room with a child with a 105 degree fever. Apparently I didn't hear the page over the intercom when my husband called to see if I "really was at the emergency room" (this was before cell phones were common) - I was too busy trying to help the nurse hold a screaming 2 year old down in an ice bath. I dragged myself and the sick child home about 3 am, with the whole front of my t-shirt and sweat pants sopping wet and my damp hair hanging down in my face, with a hot child (now at 102 degrees) slung limply over my shoulder, and was met at the door by a furious man CONVINCED that I had been out at the club. After knocking me around for awhile, he didn't speak to me for about two weeks.

(For the record, I had never been unfaithful to him in any way, shape or form.)

A few weeks later, after he knocked me down and choked me till he left marks on my neck, for doing something like forgetting to bring him some iced tea, I left him and took the kids to a shelter for the holidays.

Good times, good times. I simply cannot imagine having the emotional reserves in place or a healthy enough state of mind to actually have a meaningful, joyful, wholesome romantic relationship with anyone while dealing with such dysfunction in my life.

 

[Bismillah]

I am lost. If abuse leads to the nullification of marriage then why the use of the word "cheating"?

Clearly the terminology implies a connection, regardless of its depth or tenacity, and as such it is still a breach of a contract?

Sounds conflicting.

 

[blackout]

I am lost. If abuse leads to the nullification of marriage then why the use of the word "cheating"?

Clearly the terminology implies a connection, regardless of its depth or tenacity, and as such it is still a breach of a contract?

Sounds conflicting.

Exactly. The words "cheat/cheating/cheater" have no place
in the context of this discussion.

It may sound like semantics to some of you,
but the word "cheater" itself
is a wholly inapropriate label
to put on someone who is more a prisoner,
trying to somehow escape
her captor, her poverty, her lack of resources,
her lonliness, her sorrow, loss of self,
her despiration, isolation, lack of love...
than anything else.

I find it HIGHLY offensive
and demoralizing
to brand the victim
as an offender.

You cannot CHEAT on an abuser.

It is a kind of oxymoron.

 

[Kathryn]

Perhaps the OP asks the question poorly. Maybe it would be more accurate to ask, "Is it OK to have an extramarital relationship if your spouse is abusive?"

My answer to that would be "I believe it would be very unwise for a number of reasons. Understandable? Perhaps? Justified if one is "keeping score?" Maybe. Emotionally healthy? Most likely not. Honest? Not likely. The best option? In most situations, no."

 

[outhouse]

I know women that cheat on their abusive spouse to spite him but have no intention of leaving. They have still been married over 30 years.

this is along the lines of what OP is asking as stated.

I still find it wrong and if you dont leave I think your playing with fire and playing games with both the dudes your messin with

 

[KittensAngel]

Here's a tough question for you:

If your spouse abuses you and/or your children, are you still bound by your marriage vows? Specifically:

(1) Must you still keep your spouse forever? Why or why not?

(2) Must you still forgo all others besides your spouse? Why or why not?

(3) When does a marriage end?

I think for someone to know what love really means, they must first love themselves. If they have that relationship then firmly in place, they know what they'll tolerate when someone else claims to love them and what they won't. Love doesn't leave bruises. Love doesn't cause someone to tremble with fear. Love doesn't bring excruciating pain, tears and gut clenching terror at the mere sound of a lovers voice. Love doesn't make someone ask, if I'm physically abused is that love? Love knows the answer already, because true love nurtures, cherishes, comforts, hugs, soothes, laughs with not at, and blossoms new blooms that make love grow stronger. Instead of choking vines of regret, shame, fear, pain,that makes it die slowly and in agonizing sense of solitude.

I can tell you from personal experience that vows that ask you to commit yourself till death us do part, can feel very do-able when it's all good. When forever doesn't seem long enough. And I can tell you that when that all changes, due to abuse of any kind, that then those vows mean quite something else indeed. Because in a bad marriage, there are many ways to die. There's a saying that goes, if you're strong enough to find reason to stay, you're strong enough to reason leaving. Love yourself enough to stop being someone elses target. While you're living the role model of what a woman and a man look like in a dysfunctional relationship, your precious children are imprinting and taking note. And you stand to teach them that's what love looks like. Leave, when it hurts and don't ever go back. Because all those pleadings that say, I'm sorry! I won't do it again, are lies!


Because if they were sorry and they won't do it again, they wouldn't have had it in them in the first place to be a sorry pathetic abuser, who now has to beg you to agree to be their victim again, so they can return to what they can never change. And that is who they are. It is not your fault! It never was. When we meet someone we bring to the relationship who we were long before we saw their face. All our baggage, all our good and all our bad. We bring who we are. And who an abuser is, is what was cultivated to be so long before they found their next victim. You're not the first! Only you can love yourself enough to insure you are the last. The last time they'll have a chance to bring you pain. The last time they'll show your children that love screams. Get out, while you're alive.

Because the cemeteries are full of victims who thought they could change that one that put them there. Otherwise, while you're wasting your time and giving your life and peace of mind to pain, suffering and terrorism, the one you deserve and that's been looking for you all their life, will never get the chance to prove what true love is. God didn't make you to be someone's punching bag. You're a temple of the most high. Don't hold to man's words that make you vow to take the hits, when anyone who valued vows wouldn't strike you in the first place. Love yourself enough not to suffer. (Gentle hug) I wish you strength, peace and sanctuary.