Here's a tough question for you:
If your spouse abuses you and/or your children, are you still bound by your marriage vows? Specifically:
(1) Must you still keep your spouse forever? Why or why not?
(2) Must you still forgo all others besides your spouse? Why or why not?
(3) When does a marriage end? When are the vows null and void? When one partner (i.e. the abusive spouse) first breaks the marriage vows, or marriage contract, by abusing the other partner and/or the kids, or does it end only when a court of law says it ends? Why?
And, to make this interesting, please keep in mind while answering the questions that life is seldom black and white. In other words, a manipulative, abusive partner might also be a good provider, for instance, just as a manipulated, abused spouse is unlikely to be lily white, either.
Not ever having been married myself, people might be justified in telling me i dont know what im talking about. Those people can shut up.
Right this is how i see it. First concept is that all the rules and regulations and labels and technicalities of marriage are superficial, at least in a moral sense. The relationship one has with another extends much deeper, and discussions about right and wrongdoing with respects to this symbiotic state, really doesnt depend on those technicalities. What a piece of paper says, for me, seems to somewhat miss what is important and relevant here.
A second point is that of free will. Are we rational beings or are we emotional slaves? Do we rise above our animal siblings, with clear, cold, cerebral thinking, or are we glorified hind-brain bound to seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. To what end are we the masters of our own existence?
Being undoubtedly a thrilling and impossibly difficult subject, i would never the less propose that we are of course both, and in the same way both space and time are so inherently interwoven into the fabric of reality, so are these 2 aspects of mind in creating the fabric of ourselves.
John Gottman, a well known psychologist interested in marital stability claimed to be able to predict, with 95% accuracy, whether couples would be broken up after about 15 years, based on a 1hour interview with them both.
The interviews were constructed so that the pair were asked seemingly benign and innocent questions about everyday life, but at the end, video footage was meticulously analysed for subtle signs, both vocal and bodily from each of them. To quickly summarise a lifes work, he decided that 4 major criteria leading to a breakup were; the presence of defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism and contempt, with the latter being most powerful.
One can look into it further if interested or feather ruffled, but i think it at least highlights a likely subconscious element to a relationship that is often and understandably overlooked by the people involved. None of the newlyweds showed any signs of breaking up in their views, but at some level there was something brewing already.
Now abuse, i think is an interesting term as well. What might constitute abuse? Is hitting your partner abusive? clearly yes, how about constant criticism? yes, that would seem abusive too. What about a subtle level of contempt, so subtle the partner is unaware, bar some subconscious signs of defensiveness? well thats more difficult. Does one day of it constitute abuse? a week? 10 years? does it add up? Is the prior to blame for his/her contempt? Maybe this is just 'life'. Maybe 'abuse' reserved for those acute, blatant episodes of disruption.
I do think cheating is wrong, something everyone can agree on. It is the breaking of that trust and deep companionship you have with another. Your empathy with them, so strong by definition, that for you to do it to them knowingly, would be morally criminal.
If the question is, what level of abuse might equal the moral weight of cheating, then i think we have it a bit wrong. Clearly the complexity of real life makes such a calculation both impractical and pretty impossible, and somewhat silly.
I think though, in those clearly abusive situations, the conscious mistreatment of another renders you somewhat void of the privilege of reciprocal love. i think that there are situations that one person may be inadvertently or indirectly abusive to a partner, due to, for example some life tragedy, with some responsibility of the other to help them through the trouble. Even if it is overwhelming, and relationship terminating in nature, i dont think it gives the other a green light to cheat. It would represent a disregard for the partners emotions, ill driven by a recoil reflex to the presence of the percieved abuse.
i think in summary, the very meaning of cheating, and what makes it so wrong is the context, the relationship, and its ramifications on the significant other, something by the very definition of the relationship itself, should be known by the person in question. 2 people who have grown apart, but may share a technical bond such as a marriage is not the same, and both might be morally free to emotionally engage with other people.
Alex
