Idiot compassion

[Karl R]

I don't live in a great neighborhood. I get asked for change a few times a day by strangers. I never give them any.

I know the statistics. There's more than a 90% chance that the person asking me for money intends to spend it on alcohol or some other addiction. If I help them feed their addiction, I'm doing something evil, not something good.


I was reading "Awakening the Buddha Within" by Lama Surya Das and found a very similar sentiment expressed:

A friend addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or shopping pleads with you to loan him money - "just one last time" - to feed his habit. Your child begs for permission to do something that you know is potentially self-destructive or dangerous. Your mate is consistently hurtful, abusive, and unkind, yet you consistently forgive him or her. Your troubled relative or friend does something you know is wrong, and then convinces you to participate in a cover-up so that he or she will not have to face the consequences. If you give in to such demands, you are practicing "idiot compassion."


I constantly see people give money to strangers. Some may feel pity, others may just want to get them out of their faces. None of them seem to think (or care) about how that money is going to get used.


There are other ways to help, if you're willing to take the time.

If someone comes up to me and asks for money for food, I either offer them some food (if I'm carrying some), or I offer to go buy them some (if I have time). Sometimes someone will take me up on my offer. More often I'm given excuses why that won't work, and they really need me to give them some money instead.

In any case, it's very hard to pay for a beer with a tuna sandwich.

Some people carry around gift certificates for food or bus tokens that they give when someone asks for food or money for the bus. That's ineffective. They'll immediately try to sell them for money. (I'm one of the people they try to sell them to.)

If you don't have the time to get personally involved, I recommend giving money only to reputable charities. They'll make certain the money gets used in a beneficial manner by somebody.

I know some people who carry around non-perishable food to give away. It's frequently refused, and sometimes thrown away, but it can't be used to buy beer either.

There's one more way you can show compassion without feeding someone's addiction:
Treat them like they're human. Make eye contact. Exchange pleasantries. You don't have to become their friend. Just show them the same courtesy you'd show another total stranger. Most people treat them like trash, so it does mean something to them.


How do the rest of you feel? Do you agree that it's categorically wrong to give money to strangers who ask you for change?

 

[Buttercup]

I don't see how you could call it 'wrong' to give money to the homeless, but I do understand your concerns. I don't give money often to strangers, but on occasion I do. Of course I prefer to help in other ways such as with our local homeless shelter. And I have given the homeless on the street food many times like you have. That way at least they get something good to eat.

The homeless are a sad situation and no matter what....they deserve our compassion just like any other human. We are in agreement there for sure.

 

[standing_alone]

How do the rest of you feel? Do you agree that it's categorically wrong to give money to strangers who ask you for change?

I don't care either way. If I have spare change and somebody asks for some, I will usually give it. I don't care if it goes to food or an addiction, I'd prefer it go torwards food, but I'm not here to judge what people spend the money on and if someone wants a few spare coins or a dollar from me, they can have it. I'd rather give that person the money in hopes it goes to food than rather not give it at all.

 

[Ardent Listener]

I was reading "Awakening the Buddha Within" by Lama Surya Das and found a very similar sentiment expressed:

A friend addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or shopping pleads with you to loan him money - "just one last time" - to feed his habit. Your child begs for permission to do something that you know is potentially self-destructive or dangerous. Your mate is consistently hurtful, abusive, and unkind, yet you consistently forgive him or her. Your troubled relative or friend does something you know is wrong, and then convinces you to participate in a cover-up so that he or she will not have to face the consequences. If you give in to such demands, you are practicing "idiot compassion."


quote]

Sometimes "tough love" is true love.

 

[lunamoth]

The above is a good perspective to hear, so thank you for that. Actually, I do not encounter pan-handlers very often because, well, I live in the 'burbs and I just don't get out much. But, if people do ask me for money on the street and if I have a couple of bucks in my pocket and I can get to without fumbling around, I will give it to them. Even though I know they may (probably) just use it towards drugs or alcohol. But I figure I don't know that ahead of time. They tell me they need a couple of bucks, I have a couple bucks, it might must be used to buy food or something necessary. They might think I'm just another sucker, and resent me, or they might just view it as an act of much needed kindness. <shrug> I think I would have a different strategy if I was accosted all the time near my home. Those you suggest are very good.

Part of the reason I want to give them a couple bucks is this. One time after just finishing reading Atlas Shrugged I passed a person asking for money on the street. Instead of my usual confusion between compassion and thinking this person will just use the money for drugs I found myself thinking "ha, if he wants money he can work for it like the rest of us! Why should I support his habits and bad decisions! Better for the rest of us if he just gets eeked out of this niche of begging on the corner."

My lack of compassion shames me to this day. And it's not that I did not give him a couple of bucks, because as you say it probably would have been a waste, or worse. It was how I thought about him, how hard my heart felt.

So, am I giving money out of guilt? No, I really don't think that is it. I do do some of the other good stuff you suggest above. I do it to remind myself, 'there but for the grace of God go I."

2 c,
lunamoth

 

[Booko]

How do the rest of you feel? Do you agree that it's categorically wrong to give money to strangers who ask you for change?

Yes.

And it's not like there isn't anything else you can do. You can take to the grocery food and get them some food. You can drive them to the local social service or Salvation Army who whoever there is to help.

What amazes me is how often people come up to me asking for money for food, and when I offer them food, they won't take it. I don't mean partially eaten crummy food or anything. I just mean the lunch I have packed in the cooler.

There's one lady in downtown Atlanta who has been asking for money for food because she's pregnant...let's see...I think she's been pregnant about 5 years now?

 

[nutshell]

Thanks for the post Karl R. I agree with you. There are plenty of programs set up to help people in these situations --- generally, they shouldn't need to pan handle (but I'm sure they bring in more than gov't. assistance would give them).

Two days ago, there was a woman at a stop sign on a busy road. She had a sign, was holding her hand out, and was groovin' to some music she was listening to on her iPod!

I don't have an iPod! If I give her money, what's she going to spend it on? Some iTunes???

 

[Yerda]

What amazes me is how often people come up to me asking for money for food, and when I offer them food, they won't take it.

Really? Beggars really can be choosers.

I normally give some change to people on the street. I know people who've been there. Regardless of addictions homeless people have to raise the money to feed themselves.

If my change is going to feed addictions I can live with that, I'm positive if I was sleeping on the streets I'd be drunk beyond oblivion every night.

 

[Mike182]

hmmm, i normally don't give money to homeless people, instead i give money to one of our local charities that help the homeless.

i cna remember walking through town one day though, and a homeless guy came up to us, and said "sorry mate, but ive got an addiction to crack, and i'm desperate......."

yer, i gave him money for his honesty more than anything else. maybe i was an idiot, maybe i was wrong to do it, but he didn't think so........ i guess thats the point your trying to make though, isn't it? he is not in a state to think properly about his life, how to get out of the rut he is in, and we keep allowing him to feed his addictions.

 

[kevmicsmi]

I find it interesting when I see the same guy on the same corner holding up the same sign saying he ran out of gas on the way to california. That poor guy must have horrible luck. Hes been trying to pay for gas for months:bonk:

 

[mr.guy]

I don't have an iPod! If I give her money, what's she going to spend it on? Some iTunes???

What a con! She probably had both of her kidneys, too!

 

[MysticSang'ha]

In the sense of "idiot compassion," I don't believe that the blind actions of the giver is truly compassionate. I know the statistics, too, but I still give change every now and then to panhandlers. I can't predict which ones will spend their offerings needlessly on addictive substances.



I feel one isn't truly compassionate when one throws money at them, feeling like this money that "I" gave them is making "ME" look better. Idiot compassion is also not only being blind to the other person completely by making the act of charity all about the giver winning points, but being blind to the homeless' state of awareness. If I refuse money to a homeless person based solely on the statistical probability that he or she will spend it on booze or drugs, I am being blind and void of compassion.




I wouldn't give money to the woman with the iPod, either. What a laugh!





This is definitely a sticky issue. This is a good thread.





Peace,
Mystic

 

[michel]

I will never give money (we are even asked not to, by our local government). But before that rule (which is basically to stop the homeless from coming here for easy pickings), I gave once or twice, only to see the guy dive into an off-licence (to buy alcohol).

Now, when someone asks for money, I do what you suggest, Karl. I offer to buy them some food.

The first time it happened, the guy looked surprised and said "Oh well, I can't accept that, because I am waiting for my friend to come back"......of course, I thought....oh well, but I told him I'd pass by againg in half an hour.

I did so, and he was still there, but this time accepted. I took him into a local cafe and bought him a good meal (I even had a cup of coffee and chatted to him for a while); he was a nice guy.

The last time I was tempted to do that (I was walking the dog) and I offered the guy to come home, and I'd give him food. Good thing he turned down the offer, because when i told my wife and son, they weren't too impressed on down and outs knowing where we live. I guess I can see their point of view..............

In Spain, Gypsy women borrow a child from one of their kind, to pretend the child is theirs, to beg for money..........that's even worse to deal with.

 

[dawny0826]

I agree with you.

Especially with this:

There's one more way you can show compassion without feeding someone's addiction:
Treat them like they're human. Make eye contact. Exchange pleasantries. You don't have to become their friend. Just show them the same courtesy you'd show another total stranger. Most people treat them like trash, so it does mean something to them.

For the fellow Christian, we're told to be the hands and feet of Christ. Christ himself said that HE IS the begger on the street.

Sometimes...reaching out to people isn't about GIVING something tangible like money or food.

Sometimes...a simple 'God Bless' and a pleasantry goes MUCH further than a buck or two to buy a beer. A 'God Bless', a kind hello and genuine warmth...can uplift and evoke conviction.

 

[Ori]

I don't believe it's wrong, but it can be a dangerous thing if given to the wrong person, especially if they are using it to buy lighter fluid to drink etc

But what can you do other then what has already been specified?

I think at the end of the day you just have to treat them well and hope they put whatever you give them to good use.

 

[Feathers in Hair]

"Idiot compassion"... I don't think any compassion given out of love is idiotic, but ah, well.

 

[lilithu]

How do the rest of you feel? Do you agree that it's categorically wrong to give money to strangers who ask you for change?

No. I usually give money when asked, and like you I live in a neighborhood where this is not uncommon. Yes, I am aware that the money more likely will be spent on beer than on food. When people start in on a long story about why they need it, I usually tell them that it's not necessary to tell me why thereby preventing them from needing to lie.

Why do I give them money? Because life on the street is hard. And my refusing them a little charity does not make their lives easier. Yes, I agree that just giving a dollar here and there does nothing to fix the situation. It is not enough by itself. But in the mean time, while we're talking about the need for permanent solutions but not achieving them, people are suffering. And that beer (or whatever) may just make life a little bit easier to take for today. We can't just look for short-term fixes and ignore the long-term, but we also can't just look for long-term solutions and ignore the suffering in the short-term.

If I happen to have food on me, like if I'm coming from a restaurant with leftovers or from the grocery store, I may give food too. But I don't make a point of giving food instead of money. Just because these people are on hard times doesn't mean that they no longer have the capacity to decide for themselves what they want. I will give them the money and leave them the dignity of self-determination, even if that means drugs and alcohol.

You may consider this "idiotic compassion." I feel that I've given it a lot of serious thought.

 

[Sunstone]

A few years ago, I sort of "adopted" a homeless man here in town. By that, I mean that I look him up every now and then and give him a little money. He's not strictly homeless: He has a tiny camper he lives in (A camper off the back of a pick-up truck, the pick up truck long ago sold). I'm especially concerned, when the weather gets cold, to give him some money to buy fuel for his space heater. I always give him enough for both fuel and tobacco, since he smokes, and since I don't want him to feel forced to make a rash choice between fuel and his addiction. From time to time, I also put together care packages with things I know he uses, such as duct tape. He eats at a soup kitchen, so food's not a problem.

I figure it would rob him of dignity if I ever told him he could have money for heat, but not for tobacco.

 

[Karl R]

And my refusing them a little charity does not make their lives easier... And that beer (or whatever) may just make life a little bit easier to take for today.

I'm not interested in making their lives easier. I'm interested in making their lives better. Each time an addict gets another drink or another rock, his or her life gets a little bit worse.

Recovering from addiction is incredibly difficult. Most people won't do it when they have an easy way to escape.

I don't care if it goes to food or an addiction, ... I'm not here to judge what people spend the money on

I'm going to borrow you to illustate a parallel situation.

Hypothetical Scenario #1
A friend of yours (let's say Buttons*) has been depressed lately. You even suspect she might be suicidal. She comes up to you and asks if you can help her get a gun "for protection". Would you help her get a gun, or would your judgement tell you to do something different?

Hypothetical Scenario #2
Buttons* is still depressed and possibly suicidal. Instead of going to you, she comes to me and asks for a gun "for protection". I loan her one, show her how to handle it safely, and give her a few tips for shooting it.

When you find out that she got a gun from me, you come to me and ask me if I knew that she was depressed and possibly suicidal. I reply, "I noticed that, but she said she needed 'for protection', and who am I to judge how she uses it?"

How would you judge my actions?

The Real Scenario
Addicts are killing themselves; they're just doing it across a few years. Almost every addict on the street has a parent, child, sibling or close friend who wishes they would get better. How do you think the family members feel about the strangers who help their loved ones feed their addictions?


In my opinion, if you're giving someone the means to kill themselves, it's not only your right to judge their actions, it's your obligation.

I figure it would rob him of dignity if I ever told him he could have money for heat, but not for tobacco.

Find out the type of fuel he uses, then bring him the fuel in a care package, but leave out the tobacco. These quandries can be solved with a little creativity.

If I refuse money to a homeless person based solely on the statistical probability that he or she will spend it on booze or drugs, I am being blind and void of compassion.

And what if you buy him or her food instead? That is not only compassionate, but also wise.

It also takes statistical probabilities out of the equation.

I'm positive if I was sleeping on the streets I'd be drunk beyond oblivion every night.

For the amount of money it would cost to keep you drunk every night for a month, you could possibly afford the rent on my apartment. You could definitely afford rent on several of the apartments within a mile of here. Stop drinking, afford rent, no longer sleep on the streets.

Getting drunk every night is what put the addicts on the streets, and it's what keeps them there.

I don't think any compassion given out of love is idiotic

Borrowing another quote from Lama Surya Das:

"If it looks like wisdom, but is unkind rather than loving, it's not wisdom.
If it feels like love, but it's not wise, it's not love."

How wise is it to give someone the money to feed their addiction, when you can buy them food to live on?

Love isn't an emotion. Love is a conscious decision to do what's right for other people.

Pity is an emotion. Sometimes it's hard to control your pity enough to make the loving decision.


I'm glad that all of you make an effort to help.

 

[Feathers in Hair]

Borrowing another quote from Lama Surya Das:

"If it looks like wisdom, but is unkind rather than loving, it's not wisdom.
If it feels like love, but it's not wise, it's not love."

How wise is it to give someone the money to feed their addiction, when you can buy them food to live on?

An intresting question. I'm afraid I phrased myself poorly, however. Instead of "I don't think any compassion given out of love is idiotic", I should have clarified "given and recieved in love". It is painfully unwise, in my opinion, to recieve a gift from another and spend it on something that will cause pain. However, some people will use this clarification to justify giving a multitude of riders on their own kindness or as an excuse to insult the dignity of others. If I were having to beg, I would rejoice in a gift of food, especially if it were given in a cheerful way. If somehow, however, were to give me food while stating "I can't give you the money for it, because you might use it to drink"... To me, it would imply that they thought that, as a person who had to beg, I would be more prone to spending their gift unwisely.

Love isn't an emotion. Love is a conscious decision to do what's right for other people.

Perhaps that is where we disagree. I believe that it is an emotion and a state of mind, and one that makes one realize that one doesn't not always know what's right for other people. If one uses the alchohol/ iPod example, naturally it's easy to see that there is harm there and perhaps no ultimate good there. In other areas, it's harder to see, and making the differentiation of what's right for other people comes down to deciding that one knows better for other people than they do for themselves.