Ideas for reducing and counteracting effects of psychological abuse

[Jim]

From the eSafety Commisioner page:

What to do
DM your friend
Message your friend to make sure they’re ok and remind them how awesome they are. Even a simple message can go a long way and make your friend feel like they have support. ...

Call it out
If you feel confident and safe, stand up to the person doing the bullying, and make it clear that what they’re doing is wrong. It can be tricky going about this without getting too involved, but sometimes just commenting *Thumbs down emoji*, or your negative emoji of choice, or NOT COOL on the mean post can get your point across.

Get extra help
If your friend seems like they’re really down — maybe they’re not turning up to school or they seem really withdrawn or less talkative — it might be time to get some extra help. You could talk to a trusted adult or teacher.

Help your friend to report cyberbullying

Sometimes I’ve seen people responding to toxic online behavior with preaching and personal attacks against people they see attacking others, which I think only encourages that behavior and magnifies its effects. When people are counterattacking they seem to be as impervious to reasoning as when they are attacking. I’ll try once or twice, then ignore it, like I do with other personal attacks. Mostly what I think is needed is encouragement and support to targets of cruelty and personal attacks. That gives me a new idea about what to do in another thread.

 

[Jim]

Some thoughts came to me in the middle of the night that I want to try to explain, about reducing and counteracting the damage from some kinds of behavior. Part of it can be summarized as everyone continually learning, practicing and teaching better ways to not help bully, fool, traumatize or oppress anyone, and to not be demoralized, traumatized, fooled or disabled by the behavior of others. It started with some new thoughts about what’s impeding progress, then some old and new thoughts about what to do. I’ll start with thoughts about what to do.

• Stop and think about the good in me, and think that’s who I want to be.
• Spend some time with some people in healthy friendships and in some healthy kind of community service.
• Spend some time doing some things that I do well and like doing.
• Practice healthy ways of using stigmatized feelings, thoughts and impulses.
• Put “maybe” in front of every thought about what’s happening and what people are thinking and doing,
• Learn to think about social issues without thinking of people in terms of groups and categories. For example, instead of “some people...” think “sometimes people...”
• Learn to be aware of my impulses to want to intimidate, incriminate or disparage people, or to counterattack when they do that to me.
• Stop, go outside, try for a few minutes to put what’s happening down beside me, lose myself in nature, pray, and remember what my life is all about.
• Be openly friendly to people when they’re targets of potentially damaging behavior.
• Openly disapprove of some behavior sometimes without arguing or counterattacking.

 

[Jim]

I think that the popularity of cruelty, personal attacks and other toxic behavior in Internet discussions might be closely intertwined with all kinds of cruelty, violence and oppression in the world around us. Maybe most of what needs to happen is offline, but I think that what people do online might do a lot to help it happen. I’m not thinking that what I’ve been doing is all good or that it will make much difference. I just haven’t learned yet how to do any better.

 

[Jim]

One way I think that people’s efforts might be more fruitful and beneficial in reducing and counteracting effects of cruelty and personal attacks is to learn to be aware of their own unfriendly thoughts, feelings and impulses when they’re writing a post, to welcome and embrace those and think about healthy ways of using them, then to look for honest ways to have more friendly feelings before posting.

 

[sciatica]

i like what you are doing Jim. There are not enough of these kinds of threads on here.and to me that is surprising for a Religion forum..Peace and goodwill the mantra for RF? Not what Ive seen.

 

[sciatica]

I think that the popularity of cruelty, personal attacks and other toxic behavior in Internet discussions might be closely intertwined with all kinds of cruelty, violence and oppression in the world around us. Maybe most of what needs to happen is offline, but I think that what people do online might do a lot to help it happen. I’m not thinking that what I’ve been doing is all good or that it will make much difference. I just haven’t learned yet how to do any better.

there is definitely a " hey toughen up" underlying theme on RF.

 

[Jim]

I think that if a person really wants to help, they need to be continually working on improving their own behavior. and sharply and clearly distance themselves from denunciations of behavior across belief lines.

 

[Jim]

there is definitely a " hey toughen up" underlying theme on RF.

I see it as a form of gaslighting, and I’ve seen it in other forums too. I don’t mean that people always do it consciously and intentionally for that purpose. Just that it has the same effects. Another part of popular thinking is that any amount and kind of cruelty, violence and vandalism is okay if it’s for a good reason, and people can always find good reasons for it. That’s part of the moral vacuum that I see in today’s society that I think is the biggest reason for all kinds of cruelty, violence and vandalism.

 

[Jim]

there is definitely a " hey toughen up" underlying theme on RF.

Not only here but in other forums too. Sometimes discussions about toxic online behavior are derailed by denials, excuses, red herrings and personal attacks. I’m surprised not to see that happening in this thread.

As I said in another thread, saying that people are being hurt has become popular as an abuse and bullying tactic, political and fundraising tool, excuse for censorship and repression, and theme for writing and speaking careers inducing people to feel injured. That might create a lot of suspicion and resentment against any discussion of toxic behavior.

 

[sciatica]

I think that if a person really wants to help, they need to be continually working on improving their own behavior. and sharply and clearly distance themselves from denunciations of behavior across belief lines.

ive let myself get caught up in the mire. and come out just as dirty as others. im no saint.
but i think should aspire to nicer brhaviour.

 

[Jim]

I’ll review my ideas about this again:
- Practice and promote spiritual growth and community service.
- Continually work on reducing my own toxic behavior.
- Sometimes, openly denounce cruelty and personal attacks as morally wrong, inexcusable, harmful to everyone, and a serious social issue that urgently needs more attention from more people.
- Sharply and clearly distance myself from denunciations of behavior across belief lines.
- Be openly friendly to people when I see cruelty and personal attacks against them.
- Sometimes, openly disapprove of a person’s toxic behavior without arguing or counterattacking.
- Try to find things to like in people when I see them practicing toxic behavior, and give them more friendly attention when they aren’t.

 

[sciatica]

Twitter has influenced other social media. Bad behaviour there has seeped into other places like RF.
We start to see each other as a "type" rather than individuals.
simple example...liberals versus conservatives.
we gradually lose our ability see others objectively. they become just a rep. for their paradigm.

 

[sciatica]

Speed
Speed is another issue.
somehow yesterdays sins are forgotten as we rush into the next "hot" thread.
reflection is for losers?

 

[Jim]

Speed
Speed is another issue.
somehow yesterdays sins are forgotten as we rush into the next "hot" thread.
reflection is for losers?

Twitter has influenced other social media. Bad behaviour there has seeped into other places like RF.
We start to see each other as a "type" rather than individuals.
simple example...liberals versus conservatives.
we gradually lose our ability see others objectively. they become just a rep. for their paradigm.

Some of the worst behavior I’ve seen has been personal attacks from people denouncing other people’s toxic behavior. That is not a way to help stop it from happening. It might be a way of feeling virtuous or looking good to some other people, but it is not a way to help stop toxic behavior.

 

[Jim]

“Were you sheltered as a child? Did you miss out on the rough and tumble of the schoolyard?”

That’s an example of a popular way of responding to people talking about adverse experiences in Internet discussions, coming from someone that I recently saw denouncing someone and preaching at them for not caring about other people’s feelings. That’s an example of what I think helps perpetuate toxic behavior in Internet discussions, fooling and intimidating people into silence about it and submission to it. It’s a blatant and shameless personal attack and an example of the kind of behavior that I denounce as morally wrong, inexcusable, harmful to everyone, and a serious social issue that i think urgently needs attention from everyone.

 

[Jim]

One thing that has fooled me sometimes is seeing people denouncing some toxic behavior. I imagine that they have a common interest with me in trying to help stop it, which has always turned out to be false. It always turns out that it’s only part of their denunciation campaign across some factional divide.

 

[Jim]

After that example of toxic behavior, I’ll post again what I’m practicing and promoting to help stop it, and reduce and counteract its effects.
- Practice and promote spiritual growth and community service.
- Continually work on reducing my own toxic behavior.
- Sometimes, openly denounce cruelty and personal attacks as morally wrong, inexcusable, harmful to everyone, and a serious social issue that urgently needs more attention from more people.
- Sharply and clearly distance myself from denunciations of behavior across faction lines, including identity and belief lines.
- Be openly friendly to people when I see cruelty and personal attacks against them.
- Sometimes, openly disapprove of a person’s toxic behavior without arguing or counterattacking.
- Try to find things to like in people when I see them practicing toxic behavior, and give them more friendly attention when they aren’t.

 

[Jim]

I’m not really sure about this, but part of what needs to happen to reduce the popularity of toxic behavior in Internet discussions might be more open discussions about it between people who are actually trying to help stop it, revolving around personal development and community service, ignoring personal attacks and other distractions, and clearly distancing themselves from denunciations across faction lines, including identity and belief lines. Some examples of other distractions are demands for examples and definitions, questions designed to create doubt and confusion about the issues or divert attention from them, and flooding with off-topic posts. Anyone in those discussions who is actually trying to help stop toxic behavior might also need to be prepared to be followed around and harassed by a few people, wherever they post in the forums.

 

[Jim]

Here’s an idea for people who want to help stop toxic behavior online. I think that part of what helps perpetuate it is the attention, friendly and hostile, that people get for doing it. My idea is to not give any attention at all to cruelty and personal attacks, no matter how much you like them or agree with them. No ratings, no replies, no mention of them at all, even indirectly. If a post openly displays contempt or says or insinuates anything at all about the character, capacities, motives or intentions of any person or any group or category of people, don’t give that post any rating at all, and don’t respond to that part of the post, not even to object to it.

 

[oldbadger]

Here’s one resource that I found:

Responding to Emotional Abuse: How You Can Help Someone You Know | Springtide Resources

That’s specifically about emotional abuse of women, but it has the best ideas that I’ve seen so far, in my searches, for anyone who wants to help reduce and counteract the harmful effects of psychological abuse. People can practice these ideas right here in these forums, because it happens here all the time. I’ve even seen a few people bragging about doing it, and actually doing it in the same posts where they’re bragging about it.

Hello Jim.
I'm just interested in why you pick a resource that offers help only to women? That's gender-prejudiced before you start!

Leaving that to one side I'll go have a look at it, and then come back.

EDIT: OK, I'm back.
You've selected an organisation that helps women in physically or emotionally violent relationships. That is not much help when trying to help people who are being or have been deeply upset through IT communications.

My very first thought when considering IT emotional abuse is folks being tempted in to revealing themselves in any way which can lead to them being harassed, blackmailed, victimised, made fun of or being deeply upset. The suicide rate involved in such cases is probably huge, if we could only measure it.

Most countries in the West do have Samaritan-like institutions where trained people can help such victims, and although they tend not to offer solutions or advice they are especially trained to ask questions which motivate, provoke or lead to new ideas and thoughts in callers swhich can help immensely.

My advice to anybody who is committed to helping IT victims of bullying and crime is to apply for membership and training in Samaritan type organisations. I can tell you for certain that just the induction course will change your life even if you don't go on to working for them.