I think I'm going to tell her

[PoetPhilosopher]

You're over-thinking it. Just ask her out. That will tell her that you're interested in something more than being just work friends.

Ask her out. She can only say yes or no.

I'd probably listen to these two people, in this case, and in cases where their ideas overlap mine, as I see them as having a lot of wisdom in general.

 

[exchemist]

What if I make it clear that I don't need an answer, that I just want to throw it out there and tell her my feelings?

It still makes you a supplicant, which is a position I personally never liked to be in. I think @PureX is more or less right: just ask her out, but do so in fairly low key, i.e. reversible way so nobody feels a statement of intentions is called for.

I'm old now, and things have changed, but in my day, in the UK, the test usually came at the end of the evening, when it was normal to exchange a quick goodnight kiss on the cheek, just as a normal gesture of friendship. Very often, if the girl had decided you were the guy for her, she would use that to give you a signal of physical interest. In other words you could quite elegantly let her decide, without having to say anything. And if she just gave you a perfunctory air-kiss back, there was always a next time, so no wounded feelings and no door permanently closed.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Ask her out. She can only say yes or no.

@Snow White
What is your opinion on me saying it this way (shortened from what I typed earlier because Snow White agreed it might be a little too much):

"M, you don't have to answer right now and, in fact, you don't even have to say anything. I just want to throw it out there that... I like you a lot. It's really fun to talk to you, about anything. You're a really nice and friendly person and you're so, so beautiful. It'd be really cool to get to know you more."

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

@Snow White
What is your opinion on me saying it this way (shortened from what I typed earlier because Snow White agreed it might be a little too much):

"M, you don't have to answer right now and, in fact, you don't even have to say anything. I just want to throw it out there that... I like you a lot. It's really fun to talk to you, about anything. You're a really nice and friendly person and you're so, so beautiful. It'd be really cool to get to know you more."

I think asking her out has a better shot.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I think asking her out has a better shot.

Hmm. So instead of saying "It'd be really cool to get to know you more" I could say "It'd be really cool to get you coffee sometime."

There are three reasons why I want to keep the rest the same:
1) I don't want her to feel like she needs to say yes or no in that moment. Asking her "I was wondering if I could get you coffee sometime?" or anything like that would be a bit forceful, right? Like making her feel obligated to decide in that moment? I want her to feel like she can take her time and consider what I said.

2) Once, a while ago before I had a good connection with her and while she was only a few months into the relationship, I asked her if she wanted to go to the gym together (since I found out she goes) and it was pretty clear, yet indirect, 'no'.

3) Just the other day she told me that her boyfriend went through her phone without asking her and she was upset that he didn't trust her. She told me something like 'I wish he'd trust me. I'd never sabotage my relationship.' but the way she said it sounded more like she wouldn't want to sabotage a relationship (in general) she's in, it didn't seem like she meant the one she's in with him. So I don't think she'd want to actually go on a coffee date with me because it might be against her morals.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Hmm. So instead of saying "It'd be really cool to get to know you more" I could say "It'd be really cool to get you coffee sometime."

There are three reasons why I want to keep the rest the same:
1) I don't want her to feel like she needs to say yes or no in that moment. Asking her "I was wondering if I could get you coffee sometime?" or anything like that would be a bit forceful, right? Like making her feel obligated to decide in that moment? I want her to feel like she can take her time and consider what I said.

2) Once, a while ago before I had a good connection with her and while she was only a few months into the relationship, I asked her if she wanted to go to the gym together (since I found out she goes) and it was pretty clear, yet indirect, 'no'.

3) Just the other day she told me that her boyfriend went through her phone without asking her and she was upset that he didn't trust her. She told me something like 'I wish he'd trust me. I'd never sabotage my relationship.' but the way she said it sounded more like she wouldn't want to sabotage a relationship (in general) she's in, it didn't seem like she meant the one she's in with him. So I don't think she'd want to actually go on a coffee date with me because it might be against her morals.

I don't know. Sounds like a complicated situation.

 

[exchemist]

@Snow White
What is your opinion on me saying it this way (shortened from what I typed earlier because Snow White agreed it might be a little too much):

"M, you don't have to answer right now and, in fact, you don't even have to say anything. I just want to throw it out there that... I like you a lot. It's really fun to talk to you, about anything. You're a really nice and friendly person and you're so, so beautiful. It'd be really cool to get to know you more."

To be honest, I would find it a bit creepy, pressuring - and very uncool.

My advice would be to think it, by all means, but resist the urge to say it. Say instead at the end of the evening that you found it fun and suggest perhaps you might do something else together some time, ideally based on something you have learnt about her - shows you are paying attention to what she says.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

To be honest, I would find it a bit creepy, pressuring - and very uncool.

My advice would be to think it, by all means, but resist the urge to say it.

Ah, okay, so you're saying I should just directly ask her to go out for coffee without saying anything else?

I always felt like if I asked her to go out for coffee that'd pretty much be like asking her to go on a date with me - which I figured would lose her respect just as much as me telling her how I feel unless she says yes. But perhaps if I don't tell her how I feel and just ask her on a date it would be less bad?

 

[ChristineM]

@Snow White
What is your opinion on me saying it this way (shortened from what I typed earlier because Snow White agreed it might be a little too much):

"M, you don't have to answer right now and, in fact, you don't even have to say anything. I just want to throw it out there that... I like you a lot. It's really fun to talk to you, about anything. You're a really nice and friendly person and you're so, so beautiful. It'd be really cool to get to know you more..."

Forget the crossed out bit, it should be irrelevant to you like of her

Add
"...Would you like to go out with me sometime "
Or similar to the end.

 

[exchemist]

Ah, okay, so you're saying I should just directly ask her to go out for coffee without saying anything else?

I always felt like if I asked her to go out for coffee that'd pretty much be like asking her to go on a date with me - which I figured would lose her respect just as much as me telling her how I feel unless she says yes. But perhaps if I don't tell her how I feel and just ask her on a date it would be less bad?

Not at all. Coffee can be just friendship, and even an evening out can also be dressed up that way: "I'd really like to go and see/do such and such and, when went for that coffee the other day, it seemed the sort of thing you might like/I seem to have a spare ticket for so and so: would you be free to join me by any chance?" to keep it reversible. Thinking back, I've done that a few times, but often there is a bit of twinkle in the eye so we both know what's really going on - or could be - but nobody is forced to make an overt statement before they are ready.*

Again, my instinct is to avoid pressure. Telling her your feelings puts her under pressure and is potentially embarrassing for her - which is offputting. Think about it from her point of view.

But I'm 67 and have not been in the girl market for a couple of decades or more, so what I say is what worked for me in the 1980s and 90s. Feel free to ignore what I say.

*One girl I knew had a 6 date rule: she would give a guy 6 dates before making up her mind. Bear in mind she may not even know what she thinks about you, yet.

 

[It Aint Necessarily So]

What would it hurt, though? If the relationship she's in is already bad and her and I are on good terms, what does it hurt to just tell her what I think of her? As long as I'm just throwing it out there and not asking her to make a decision, it should be fine right?

Personally, I'd avoid doing anything at work more that let her know that you'd like to speak with her outside work, and that you're not asking for a date now. And then I wouldn't ask her out outside of work, either, but just let her know that if she becomes uninvolved in the future, you would like to ask her out then, and nothing more, such as what you like about her.

That seems safe and smart. You'll get the feedback you need to know where you stand without any workplace sexual harassment risks, less ex-boyfriend risk if she leaves him before you're in the picture, and a chance to test her character and reveal something about yours.

 

[Viker]

Quit sitting on your hands and ask her out, maybe for just some coffee or tea or whatever you may drink. You'll find out then where she stands.

 

[Brickjectivity]

Hmm.... What would it hurt, though? If the relationship she's in is already bad and her and I are on good terms, what does it hurt to just tell her what I think of her? As long as I'm just throwing it out there and not asking her to make a decision, it should be fine right?

I have been in a situation where someone felt guilty and was going to say yes for that reason, and I had to back out for that reason. From that experience I offer two cents worth of advise to you:

As long as she doesn't pity you, and as long as you don't convey that you are somehow going to be destroyed if she says no. As long as you don't have power over her, and as long as she doesn't feel pressured afterwards. If she can say yes or no and both of you move on without much rejection and pain, then its probably Ok. If she pities you it will be a bad experience for you both. If she is afraid to offend you then it is bad for you both. If you will be destroyed by 'No', then it is a bad idea to say anything at work. That is all I know to say, and I've very little experience other than that. Perhaps someone else can give you more or better advise.

 

[Brickjectivity]

I've had a crush on this girl at work for months

I will add this that sometimes the easiest way to break a crush on someone is to trick the crush. What you do is, you give the object of your crush an astounding compliment or two without telling her that you like her. Make it awkward maybe even gushing or embarrassing, but it should be honest. It should be an awkward moment for both of you, but remember your goal is to satisfy your crushy feelings not to reveal your attachment to the object of the crush. Crushy feelings draw you closer to this person to force you to interact with them, and these feelings are (often) beyond reason. They beyond reason, so you can fool them! It goes both ways.

If you fool them well enough, they will give you some relief. You may even feel some dislike and some judgement against the person! Once you have given the compliment, get away quickly. Let the person be confused as to why you suddenly complimented them. It should be something that satisfies your crushy feelings that you made an attempt. This may well give you relief from your crush, because you will have fooled nature's mental mechanism. Try it. You'll still like her, but you might get some relief.

Be very careful afterwards, for the crush will not be fully gone; but very likely you will have more control. The object of your crush still going to be amazing and distracting whenever you get near.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I don't know. Sounds like a complicated situation.

I just wanted to say, don't be disappointed if for some reason, after taking our advice or not taking our advice, that it doesn't work out. I feel it really is a numbers game with dating women. Confidence, but not arrogance, is sometimes useful, but also, I feel like, at least these days, it's never 50/50. It just feels 70/30 to me. If a man asks a woman, he has like a 30 percent chance she'll say yes. If a woman asks a man, there's probably like a 70 percent chance he'll say yes. Two gay men, it probably is 50-50. And when two gay women get together, they usually just talk about how lonely each of them are, and give each other hints, but neither one takes the other's advances as any more than out-of-the-blue statements, and they just kind of end up both mourning loneliness together (sometimes).

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I just wanted to say, don't be disappointed if for some reason, after taking our advice or not taking our advice, that it doesn't work out. I feel it really is a numbers game with dating women. Confidence, but not arrogance, is sometimes useful, but also, I feel like, at least these days, it's never 50/50. It just feels 70/30 to me. If a man asks a woman, he has like a 30 percent chance she'll say yes. If a woman asks a man, there's probably like a 70 percent chance he'll say yes. Two gay men, it probably is 50-50. And when two gay women get together, they usually just talk about how lonely each of them are, and give each other hints, but neither one takes the other's advances as any more than out-of-the-blue statements, and they just kind of end up both mourning loneliness together (sometimes).

I understand that this advice isn't a guaranteed yes, I will always be grateful for the advice. I just needed help finding the best way to go about this. Thank you.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Update:

I'm almost certain now that she and I won't happen. She likes her boyfriend's brother (D) a lot, I can tell by the way they talk. And D sort of hinted at it that he likes her but wouldn't full out say it, and then he admitted it to me. I was telling him that he should just tell her, because he would definitely get a yes. I think it's really going to happen between them, and granted at least they'd be good for each other - seeing the way they get along.

On the other hand, I'm pretty upset about it. There hasn't been a day I haven't thought about her for over half a year, and I've been working up to it, building up to it slowly, patiently waiting before I even hint that I like her that way, and then... nothing.

What I worry is that I'll never feel for another person what I've felt for her. She was everything I've ever wanted; beautiful, many common interests, a friendly/loving/caring personality, every time I have conversations with her they just flow so smoothly and they're fun moreso than any person (male or female) I've ever met. -- The worst part of it is that she used to like me, I'm 99% sure I wasn't reading into things, there were so many times she hinted at it and looking back it was crystal clear, I was just in denial when she'd give these signs (and didn't act on them because she's in a relationship).

On the bright side, the whole thing was a learning experience, though. I learned to not be afraid to be a little flirty, I learned to not be so reserved about myself, and I learned to accept the type of person I am (ultimately defeating my self-doubt and social anxiety). I think it's good preparation for next time I run into a person I get feelings for (hope it happens again).

I don't know what to do now. I feel like I've finally gotten the tasty treat at the end of the Rat Maze and it turns out to be plastic. Should I just wait to fall in love again or should I just start talking to strangers and see if anything goes?

....

PS I'm still going to try to ask her out for coffee when the next opportunity arises, I don't think I have a chance but I just want to. I'd at least feel somewhat fulfilled.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I really wish I had been more flirty, just playful. There's a lot of regret and missed opportunities...

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Yeah it's hurting a lot more than I thought it would. In the back of my mind I keep telling myself "there's still a chance with M" but really I don't think there is, she definitely likes this other guy more than she likes me and he likes her.

I'm on Tinder and I've had matches but the conversations have fallen through, it's just the lack of a vibe.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm not giving up on myself or anything, but it's just that I've been anticipating this for so long. I know I'll be alright, it's just very disappointing. Especially since I've never been in a relationship in all 26 years of my life, but to be fair I've only recently been putting effort into trying. I can't help but worry in the back of my mind that I'll never find what I'm looking for, presumably because she's the only one I've ever wanted this badly.

Sorry I sound desperate here. I assume this is all normal feelings though, right? It's just something I need to work through.