I think I'm going to tell her

[The Sum of Awe]

I've had a crush on this girl at work for months, we talk now and again and have pretty good conversations when we do. There are sometimes signs that she likes me but it's hard to tell if I'm reading into things or if she really likes me.

She's in a relationship, has been for almost the same amount of time I've been working with her. This relationship isn't going good for her, she often complains about the guy. The guy's brother I believe also likes her and could very well ask her out before I can, but he's in a relationship and has a kid (afaik he's not totally happy in his relationship either).

I don't know if it's the right move or not. It's really hard - I don't want to miss my opportunity to ask her out, but at the same time I wonder if I should just be patient and wait until she becomes single and hope that she'll be single long enough for me to ask her out. That's a lot of 'if's though. Because what if the guy's brother does ask her out? I mean they are both somewhat flirty with each other but maybe they're just really good friends?

Hmm.... What would it hurt, though? If the relationship she's in is already bad and her and I are on good terms, what does it hurt to just tell her what I think of her? As long as I'm just throwing it out there and not asking her to make a decision, it should be fine right?

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Sounds like a power move.

I don't know if it's the right move or not. It's really hard - I don't want to miss my opportunity to ask her out, but at the same time I wonder if I should just be patient and wait until she becomes single and hope that she'll be single long enough for me to ask her out.

In my experience, sometimes that doesn't end well, either.

Hmm.... What would it hurt, though? If the relationship she's in is already bad and her and I are on good terms, what does it hurt to just tell her what I think of her? As long as I'm just throwing it out there and not asking her to make a decision, it should be fine right?

Yeah, I'm not sure. A million ways this could go.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Sounds like a power move.

What do you mean by that?

In my experience, sometimes that doesn't end well, either.



Yeah, I'm not sure. A million ways this could go.

So, really, either way it's 50/50? Or would patience be better over all?

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

What do you mean by that?

Sometimes I refer to a bold move in dating as a "power move". And to get her attention in this context, might require a bold solution, which I term a "power move".

So, really, either way it's 50/50? Or would patience be better over all?

Honestly, knowing most women, it's more 70/30, with you being the 30. But sometimes that 30 is worth taking a chance on too.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

In my experience, sometimes that doesn't end well, either.

Why not?

 

[exchemist]

I've had a crush on this girl at work for months, we talk now and again and have pretty good conversations when we do. There are sometimes signs that she likes me but it's hard to tell if I'm reading into things or if she really likes me.

She's in a relationship, has been for almost the same amount of time I've been working with her. This relationship isn't going good for her, she often complains about the guy. The guy's brother I believe also likes her and could very well ask her out before I can, but he's in a relationship and has a kid (afaik he's not totally happy in his relationship either).

I don't know if it's the right move or not. It's really hard - I don't want to miss my opportunity to ask her out, but at the same time I wonder if I should just be patient and wait until she becomes single and hope that she'll be single long enough for me to ask her out. That's a lot of 'if's though. Because what if the guy's brother does ask her out? I mean they are both somewhat flirty with each other but maybe they're just really good friends?

Hmm.... What would it hurt, though? If the relationship she's in is already bad and her and I are on good terms, what does it hurt to just tell her what I think of her? As long as I'm just throwing it out there and not asking her to make a decision, it should be fine right?

It might make things awkward if she has not yet given up on this guy, though. I've never been a believer in declarations of love, until things are are really secure between me and the girl, because it looks like forcing the pace. You are in effect demanding that she says yes to you. Or no, which might be what she does if she is put on the spot too early.

I think I'd be tempted to be friendly and maybe see if you can do a few things together without overtly threatening the existing relationship, and see if you can win her confidence. If she decides to break up with the guy I think it unlikely she will want to take up with his brother. Imagine the grief that could cause!

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Why not?

Because while on the rebound, or sometimes even when not so, people sometimes jump into another relationship pretty quickly - especially if they're super attractive, as sometimes, attractive women have another 5-10 men lined up.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

It might make things awkward if she has not yet given up on this guy, though. I've never been a believer in declarations of love, until things are are really secure between me and the girl, because it looks like forcing the pace. You are in effect demanding that she says yes to you. Or no, which might be what she does if she is put on the spot too early.

I think I'd be tempted to be friendly and maybe see if you can do a few things together without overtly threatening the existing relationship, and see if you can win her confidence. If she decides to break up with the guy I think it unlikely she will want to take up with his brother. Imagine the grief that could cause!

You're right. Thank you for talking me away from this.

I think we are on good enough terms to where if I had asked her if she were single she'd likely say yes (I think) but I'm just constantly worrying that someone else is going to get there before I can.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

It might make things awkward if she has not yet given up on this guy, though. I've never been a believer in declarations of love, until things are are really secure between me and the girl, because it looks like forcing the pace. You are in effect demanding that she says yes to you. Or no, which might be what she does if she is put on the spot too early.

Such a move does bring a "yes" or "no" answer, and can strain a friendship with someone if the answer is "no". However, some women like that confidence too, and it does make one stand out in cases where there are multiple men competing for a woman's heart. But I'd say not to take things super fast, either.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

It might make things awkward if she has not yet given up on this guy, though. I've never been a believer in declarations of love, until things are are really secure between me and the girl, because it looks like forcing the pace. You are in effect demanding that she says yes to you. Or no, which might be what she does if she is put on the spot too early.

Such a move does bring a "yes" or "no" answer, and can strain a friendship with someone if the answer is "no". However, some women like that confidence too, and it does make one stand out in cases where there are multiple men competing for a woman's heart. But I'd say not to take things super fast, either.

What if I make it clear that I don't need an answer, that I just want to throw it out there and tell her my feelings?

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

What if I make it clear that I don't need an answer, that I just want to throw it out there and tell her my feelings?

What I'd do is slip yourself in, say that you're a friend and that you care about the person, and say that they're an attractive person. And see their response. And just talk. Sure it could backfire still. But it's the best solution I can think of.

Also, definitely don't tell her that at work. Only if you and her meet at an after-work, comfortable setting.

 

[PureX]

You're over-thinking it. Just ask her out. That will tell her that you're interested in something more than being just work friends.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

You're over-thinking it. Just ask her out. That will tell her that you're interested in something more than being just work friends.

It's not a bad idea. As good as any I have thought up, if not better. However, I've known women that didn't take the hint, where I took them out, and they still didn't see any romantic reasoning behind it. Though, I think most women get the hint.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

What I'd do is slip yourself in, say that you're a friend and that you care about the person, and say that they're an attractive person. And see their response. And just talk. Sure it could backfire still. But it's the best solution I can think of.

Thank you for the advice. I've been thinking of phrasing it something along these lines, preferably after a short warming conversation:

"M, you don't have to answer right now and, in fact, you don't even have to say anything. I hope we can still be friends after I tell you this but I just want to throw it out there that... I like you. A lot. I mean you're so beautiful; mind, body, and soul. See, you're mind: you're just as smart as you are funny, you know how to make any conversation fun and interesting; I like talking to you, about anything.
And your body? Well, your eyes are so pretty - I know sometimes I'm shy and avoid looking into them but when I do look into your eyes I get so lost in them, I just want to look in them forever. Your blonde hair, your pretty face. And your smile! I love seeing you smile. Just seeing you smile makes me want to smile.
And your soul... that's the best part. You're such a kind and caring person. I see it in the way you talk to people, the way you help people. You love your friends, you care about people so much!
One time that stands out for me is the time you, me, and Ashley were working together and Ashley was assembling a part and her hand started shaking and you grabbed it to support it. It's like, woah! That blew my mind, it was so nice! And the fact that I used to be so quiet and shy and you just started talking to me, getting me to open more. I don't know if that was intentional or not but, M, you're such a great person for it!

All in all, M, you're definitely one of a kind and... sometime in the future I hope I get a chance to take you out for coffee and get to know you more."

Of course it won't come out like that, but that's the gist of what I want to say. I feel like that might be too much though?

Also, definitely don't tell her that at work. Only if you and her meet at an after-work, comfortable setting.

Why definitely? I suppose it would make things awkward for the rest of the work day but couldn't we both just play it off as nothing happened and everything would be alright - maybe we'd work in silence but whether it's on the same day or not we'd encounter that awkwardness at work eventually, right?

I never see her outside of work, very unlikely to happen.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Thank you for the advice. I've been thinking of phrasing it something along these lines, preferably after a short warming conversation:

"M, you don't have to answer right now and, in fact, you don't even have to say anything. I hope we can still be friends after I tell you this but I just want to throw it out there that... I like you. A lot. I mean you're so beautiful; mind, body, and soul. See, you're mind: you're just as smart as you are funny, you know how to make any conversation fun and interesting; I like talking to you, about anything.
And your body? Well, your eyes are so pretty - I know sometimes I'm shy and avoid looking into them but when I do look into your eyes I get so lost in them, I just want to look in them forever. Your blonde hair, your pretty face. And your smile! I love seeing you smile. Just seeing you smile makes me want to smile.
And your soul... that's the best part. You're such a kind and caring person. I see it in the way you talk to people, the way you help people. You love your friends, you care about people so much!
One time that stands out for me is the time you, me, and Ashley were working together and Ashley was assembling a part and her hand started shaking and you grabbed it to support it. It's like, woah! That blew my mind, it was so nice! And the fact that I used to be so quiet and shy and you just started talking to me, getting me to open more. I don't know if that was intentional or not but, M, you're such a great person for it!

All in all, M, you're definitely one of a kind and... sometime in the future I hope I get a chance to take you out for coffee and get to know you more."

Of course it won't come out like that, but that's the gist of what I want to say. I feel like that might be too much though?

It'd be a little too much if it were me being addressed that way.

Why definitely? I suppose it would make things awkward for the rest of the work day but couldn't we both just play it off as nothing happened and everything would be alright - maybe we'd work in silence but whether it's on the same day or not we'd encounter that awkwardness at work eventually, right?

Some people who value their jobs get into "work mode". If your talking to her affectionately gets in the way of her work, even in cases where she might in a normal setting enjoy it - there's always the chance she could tell the boss.

 

[PureX]

It's not a bad idea. As good as any I have thought up, if not better. However, I've known women that didn't take the hint, where I took them out, and they still didn't see any romantic reasoning behind it. Though, I think most women get the hint.

Don't worry about what she's thinking. Just ask her out and if she goes, don't dump your 'crush' on her. Keep it relaxed and fun. Remember, it's "attraction, not promotion".

If she says no to a date. Wait a month and ask her again, with no pressure or expectations. You wanna be the guy that's not being a pain in her a$$.

 

[stvdv]

I've had a crush on this girl at work for months, we talk now and again and have pretty good conversations when we do

Gives going to work quite a positive boost

I don't know if it's the right move or not

I don't know about women thinking/logic

Personally:
I would not like another man trying to "steal" the one I date, so I would not do that.
I also know karma is a *****, and I experience that karma usually takes very little time (sometimes days) to materialize in my life

I would not like a woman who flip-flops easy

I think a woman, if smart, selects a man she really feels good about. If you are "the perfect gentleman", she will think twice to marry someone who only gives her headaches. And if she does, then she won't choose you anyway, right?

Send out" Love" vibes will do miracles

 

[stvdv]

Don't worry about what she's thinking. Just ask her out and if she goes, don't dump your 'crush' on her. Keep it relaxed and fun. Remember, it's "attraction, not promotion".

If she says no to a date. Wait a month and ask her again, with no pressure or expectations. You wanna be the guy that's not being a pain in her a$$.

I like your practical approach

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Gives going to work quite a positive boost


I don't know about women thinking/logic

Personally:
I would not like another man trying to "steal" the one I date, so I would not do that.
I also know karma is a *****, and I experience that karma usually takes very little time (sometimes days) to materialize in my life

I would not like a woman who flip-flops easy

I think a woman, if smart, selects a man she really feels good about. If you are "the perfect gentleman, she will think twice to marry someone who only gives her headaches. And if she does, then she won't choose you anyway, right?

Send out" Love" vibes will do miracles

That's fair. I think love vibes are the answer and not straightforwardness. I suppose that sending love vibes is a way of getting my foot in the door without kicking the door in lol.

Thank you everyone in this thread for your advices! (even though there was some disagreement )

 

[ChristineM]

I've had a crush on this girl at work for months, we talk now and again and have pretty good conversations when we do. There are sometimes signs that she likes me but it's hard to tell if I'm reading into things or if she really likes me.

She's in a relationship, has been for almost the same amount of time I've been working with her. This relationship isn't going good for her, she often complains about the guy. The guy's brother I believe also likes her and could very well ask her out before I can, but he's in a relationship and has a kid (afaik he's not totally happy in his relationship either).

I don't know if it's the right move or not. It's really hard - I don't want to miss my opportunity to ask her out, but at the same time I wonder if I should just be patient and wait until she becomes single and hope that she'll be single long enough for me to ask her out. That's a lot of 'if's though. Because what if the guy's brother does ask her out? I mean they are both somewhat flirty with each other but maybe they're just really good friends?

Hmm.... What would it hurt, though? If the relationship she's in is already bad and her and I are on good terms, what does it hurt to just tell her what I think of her? As long as I'm just throwing it out there and not asking her to make a decision, it should be fine right?

Ask her out. She can only say yes or no.