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I need answers

Discussion in 'Family and Personal Living' started by SoliDeoGloria, Sep 13, 2007.

  1. SoliDeoGloria

    SoliDeoGloria Active Member

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    I don't expect to get answers right now. I come to you a desparate man. I am experiencing more pain than I know how to deal with right now. This is coming from someone who vainly assumed that the worst he would have to deal with is four years of prison.

    This has been an unbelievably hard year for me. Late last year my wife decided to go to school, which I didn't have a problem with. After getting laid off at one factory, I took a graveyard shift job at another factory for the money to support us. For part of the year, I was doing sidework ( masonary ) to help out. Last spring my wife decided to get a part time job against my wishes at a restaurant. She also started to make friends at school of questionable character. One of which had a porn website and was a married "swinger". About a month and a half ago she started telling me that she was tired of being married, while swearing that it had nothing to do with me, and spending the night at "friend's" houses and drinking. She also had gone out of state a couple of times this year to spend time with friends.

    One night, about four weeks ago, I had gotten up to use the bathroom, and I heard our home phone ringing at 2 in the morning. I decided to answer it and was hung up on. I decided to check out my wife's cell phone out of suspicion and saw that there was 5 missed calls and voice mails betweeen the hours of 1 am and 2 am. I called the number and was answered by a female. I asked her if she had been calling and she told me no. I asked her who else was in the house and she wouldn't answer me. I apologised for calling so late and listened to the voice messages to my despair. The owner of the restaurant's brother was having an affair with my wife. Anger that I have never known boiled in me and I called the number again and demanded that the lady put the man on the phone. Her husband answered thew phone and told me that he would come over and I told him to be sure to bring his brother and asked him if he wanted to listen to the voice messages on my wife's cell phone. He hung up on me and never showed up. I then woke my wife up and told her that her boyfriend was coming over. I asked her if she wanted me to leave or if she was going to leave and she told me that she would leave. The kids stayed with me. After about 2 weeks and another trip out of state for her. She decided to tell me that she wanted to try to work it out. I forgave her and we started seeing a pastor once a week. She had revealed to me that her spending the night at "friend's" houses was actually her spending the night at the man's house and she stayed working there until she eventually gave them her two week's notice and eventually stopped working there. I have done more crying in the last two months than I ever have and still cry. I took out a loan so that she wouldn't have to worry about money despite that fact that I work lots of 12 hour days and weekends. We even got matching tattoo's last weekend.

    Tonight, she told me that the only reason she has tried to work it out is because feels bad for hurting me so bad and that she can't do it any more and decided to leave once again. So, here I sit, about as lonely as it gets and reaching out to anywhere desparately. I hope that I can make it through but doubt my endurance to. She wants me to have the house and the kids and not fuss with child support. While I would love nothing more than to get answers and for everything to be alright, I have given up on the idea that I will get any and just barely hope for the strength to make it through, if nothing else than for the kids.

    Sincerely,
    SoliDeoGloria
    James
     
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  2. lunamoth

    lunamoth Will to love

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    So sorry to hear all of this James. :hug:

    I can only imagine the pain you are going through...I hope that somehow out of all this you can come out strengthened on the other side, as hard as it is right now. No matter the circumstance, a break in a relationship is like tearing flesh.

    I'll keep you in my prayers tonight for peace, strength and courage.

    luna
     
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  3. Aqualung

    Aqualung Tasty

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    Wow, that sucks hard. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, except that the RF community cares about you in your troubles and will help you see it through.
     
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  4. Kungfuzed

    Kungfuzed Student Nurse

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    Everyone is different so I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, but I have been through my wife cheating on me and then getting divorced. It's a terrible, demoralizing, and very depressing situation. I don't even like to think about it because it was one of the lowest points of my life. You might be really down right now, but just push through it. After my divorce I felt a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. And when I started dating again I discovered that I really could be loved and appreciated and that there are many other women who I could be much happier with. Now I'm married to someone new and happier than I've ever been. It took a few years and the process was gradual but it was all worth it. If she's offering the house and the kids I'd say take it. Get it all in writing with lawyers present and be done with it. You deserve some happiness.
     
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  5. SoliDeoGloria

    SoliDeoGloria Active Member

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    The hardest part has to be that after being married for over 11 years, knowing her for 13+ years and the whole prison ordeal (which was over in 03), having four kids, buying a house, and doing at least what I thought was everything that I could; despite the fact that she claims that I have done nothing to warrant this; I am left wondering what I should've or could've done more or less and still end up with no answers and am left feeling more lonely and painfull than I ever have before.

    I've searched the Bible and begged God for help and can't seem to get the sadness to end.

    Thank you so much. I desparately need all the help I can get.

    Sincerely,
    James
     
  6. SoliDeoGloria

    SoliDeoGloria Active Member

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    Couldn't agree more. With the fact that sleeping is hard enough as it is working a graveyard shift job along with this happening, I was prescribed some lunesta pills to help me sleep. Sometimes, depending on what's happening at the time, I need to take more than one. The last therapist the parole board forced me to see was very antichristian and all we did was argue about religion plus I have a brother who takes medicine for a mental illness and I am not impressed with the help it gives him so my opinion of seeking help in that direction is not a very good one.

    Sincerely,
    James
     
  7. Booko

    Booko Deviled Hen

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    Take her at her word on this, James. You don't need to carry that extra baggage around, really. This will be a difficult time for you, but you will need what energy you have for your kids. They will be wondering the same sort of thing, and they're going to need Dad to help them through it.

    You will go through a grieving process, and it will take as long as it takes. Please please be patient with yourself.

    None of this will make much sense now, because you're in the center of the whirlwind. There will come a time when it does make more sense, if you are persistent.

    If you are not having much luck with counselors, keep in close contact with your pastor at least. I know what you mean about some counselors not being so useful for those of us approaching life from a religious view.

    In the meantime, our family will keep you in our prayers. :hug:
     
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  8. angellous_evangellous

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    James,

    My only advice is that if you're drinking, you need to stop. Prayers and blessings during this time of loss.

    A_E
     
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  9. jacquie4000

    jacquie4000 Well-Known Member

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    You and your children are in my thoughts. Keep busy with your children and the church.
     
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  10. ayani

    ayani member

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    sweetheart- prayers for you and your kids.... i am so sorry for this trouble. take care of yourself, James. this is not your fault, my friend. she has made choices, and you are not responsible for them. i agree with Jacquie- i encourage you to stick by the church if it gives you comfort and strength, and keep talking to people.
     
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  11. Hema

    Hema Sweet n Spicy

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    I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Please keep faith in God. You might think you're alone but you're never alone. God is always there and knows what you're going through. He knows all of your pain and your suffering. We sometimes face challenges in life to test our faith, to see if we believe in God during the good times only or the bad times also. Leave it in God's hands. Let go and let God. Let God carry that burden for you. For now, find happiness and comfort in the Lord and even your friends and family members. You sound like a kind gentleman and you deserve someone who will love you the way you deserve. You deserve to be treated with dignity. As I see it, she is the one who made ridiculous mistakes and she is the one who is losing out on a great husband. I know I mentioned that you must keep faith, but I would just like to add that the purest love that we can get is from God. Sometimes we invest our feelings in people and they let us down but God will never let us down. He will always love us and always be there for us. Forget about the past. It is dead and gone. It doesn't exist anymore. Don't let your mind control you and bring up those negative feelings. When the thoughts come, just watch them and let them pass. Don't let them have power you and make you sad. The present moment is a gift from God. Tomorrow might never come. Live for the moment. You have a chance at a new beginning. Ask God to guide you. All the best dear uncle. :hug: :flower2:
     
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  12. SoliDeoGloria

    SoliDeoGloria Active Member

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    Thank tou everyone for the advise that has come from more wisdon than I seem to have right now. Please do not take this personal, but an old clichet comes to mind right now that goes "it a lot easier said than done"
     
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  13. PureX

    PureX Veteran Member

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    The only advice I know to offer is to try and stay focussed on your immediate needs. The kids will be needing your help with this. They'll be going through a grieving process, too. They'll be hurt and angry and confused. Try to keep your mind task-oriented, and don't waste time asking yourself a lot of questions that no one can answer, nor would the answers do you any good even if you had them. One day at a time. One hour at a time. What's the next task that needs to be dealt with? That's how you get through these tough times. You can beat yourself up later, if you think you must, after the kids are settled.

    Hang in there. Life is change. No matter how bad it gets, know that it will change for the better soon. It's like gravity.
     
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  14. angellous_evangellous

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    No kidding.
     
  15. Mister_T

    Mister_T Forum Relic
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    James, I am terribly sorry to hear that you have to go through such an experience. I have been cheated on and can relate, but only to a certain degree: I can't imagine what kind of pain you must be experiencing with an 11 year marriage.

    First off, don't come down on yourself. I agree with Booko and Ayani when they say it's not your fault. In fact, you've done the opposite: You gave it your all and tried to make things work, even when your wife didn't deserve it. You're a hard working man who cares about his wife and his family and she obviously doesn't appereciate that. As cliche' as it sounds, you can gurantee the loss is most definitely hers my friend. You definitely don't deserve someone who would sleep around behind your back while giving you the illusion that you were still monogomous towards one another. She should have at least had the common courtesy of breaking it off with you before she consciously made the decision to sleep with another man. What she did was very underhanded.

    With that said, It's easy to become bitter with people when faced with this type of situation. Even with people besides your wife. Don't let one person's negetive actions towards you compromise who you are. Take this time to reflect on yourself and if you need to, make a list of all the good things that people, including yourself, like about you. A lot of times, we as humans tend to focus on the negetive aspects of life, even if they are miniscule. Don't fall into this trap. Use this time to build an appreciation for yourself.

    Also, be sure to surround yourself with people. Try to get involved in church activities as much as you can. Have fun with your children and take them out places. Go out and make new friends. That helps a lot too!

    It also helps to talk to people who have experienced what you are going through. You can find many of them on this forum. Getting things of your chest does wonders.

    As for the matching tattoos: You can let those be a testament to what kind of person you are. Let that be symbolic of showing love and compassion (not to mention the financial care) to a person who didn't deserve it. It's your essence captured as a symbol. :)

    If you ever need to talk James, my door is always open. Feel free to PM or email me anytime. :hug:
     
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  16. SoliDeoGloria

    SoliDeoGloria Active Member

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    Thank you everyone for the comforting words and words of wisdom. I'm not going to claim that everything is alright now, but they help out emmensily. I needed a lot of help getting through last night and am still in need of lots of help. I moved to Iowa in 95 so my family is still in CA. As pathetic as this sounds, I feel the need for your friendship a lot. Some of the words that have been put here have helped to wake me up for the moment and give comfort. I have to work tonight, but I will probably be in here a bit this weekend. If it is not too much, I would like to ask who ever prays to help get me through tonight as best as possible.

    Sincerely,
    James
     
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  17. MysticSang'ha

    MysticSang'ha Big Squishy Hugger
    Premium Member

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    If I may quote the Dalai Lama for a sec..........

    :hugehug:

    You and your children will be kept in my prayers, James. Should you ever feel the need for a Big Squishy Hug, don't hesitate to ask. I fully acknowledge how shredded you feel right now, and I pray that you find peace of mind sooner than later.




    Peace,
    Mystic
     
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