I Could Use Some Advice

[Rational Agnostic]

I will try to make this story as concise as possible. I became friends with a particular woman about a year and a half ago, and we did various platonic activities together over the course of last year. I asked her out a few months later and we saw each other casually but never had sex. It seemed as though things were going well and she was excited to see me, however, she suddenly started coming up with reasons as to why we could no longer spend time together. Nevertheless, I asked a few more times, but there was always some reason why she was too busy, and occasionally she did not respond to my messages. Now, I like to be direct, so I asked her explicitly if I was annoying her, making her uncomfortable, or if she did not want to see me, so I asked her to tell me to leave her alone if she did not want to see me. However, she made it clear that I was not annoying her at all, but that she simply was extremely busy with work and school (as a college student) but that eventually she would have time to see me. So, I waited a bit and asked again and she was still too busy.

Now, I am not socially inept, and it is quite clear to me that she did not want a relationship at the time, so I dropped it. I texted with her about casual topics on occasion, but we never saw each other, and gradually stopped communicating altogether.

Now fast forward to today. It has now been 2-3 months since I last had any communication with her, and nearly 9 months since we saw each other. She has since graduated from college, and I did not attend her graduation, nor did I think about her until recently because a thought disturbed me. If I do not contact her again, it is likely that I will never see her again in my life. This saddens me, because I saw her as a good friend, even if a relationship was not in the cards, and we talked for hours, and had many things in common. However, I also do not want to be seen as being a creepy stalker with an ulterior motive by contacting her again and attempting to arrange meeting up with her. I worry about being perceived in this way because I already asked her out and received several "implicit" rejections (aka non-responses), and perhaps kept asking a few times too many.

At this point, I do not even want a relationship of a romantic kind with her. I have moved on from her in that regard entirely. I just cannot bear the thought of never seeing her again, in the same sense that I would be saddened if I did not see any friend or relative that I was close to again.

Thoughts? Advice? Or am I just an overthinking, sappy, socially inept moron?

 

[PureX]

People come and go in our lives. Being human is what it is, not what we want it to be. Consider yourself blessed for the experience, and joyfully keep looking ahead for the next one.

 

[Skwim]

I believe your problem could well have arisen may from your reluctance to move your relationship into a sexual one. Many women depend on the guy to take their relationship to the next level, and in as much as you didn't she could well have felt very rejected and belittled. You had your chance and blew it.

As it stands I advise you to burn your emotional bridges and move on. She's essentially liberated herself from you, and there's nothing she's going to let you do about it.

 

[Rational Agnostic]

People come and go in our lives. Being human is what it is, not what we want it to be. Consider yourself blessed for the experience, and joyfully keep looking ahead for the next one.

Perhaps. However, as I stated, I have already moved on entirely as far as a romantic relationship is concerned. Would you give me the same advice if I were referring to any other platonic friend whom I had not seen in awhile? Or can a truly platonic friendship not exist between a heterosexual man and heterosexual woman? Sometimes I wonder about this.

 

[Rational Agnostic]

I believe your problem could well have arisen may from your reluctance to move your relationship into a sexual one. Many women depend on the guy to take their relationship to the next level, and in as much as you didn't she could well have felt very rejected and belittled. You had your chance and blew it.

As it stands I advise you to burn your emotional bridges and move on. She's essentially liberated herself from you, and there's nothing she's going to let you do about it.

You are probably right, although I still question it. Your logic seems to be based upon the idea that a platonic friendship cannot exist between a heterosexual man and woman, since you argue that I should never contact her again. Why do you think this is the case?

 

[Vinayaka]

Perhaps. However, as I stated, I have already moved on entirely as far as a romantic relationship is concerned. Would you give me the same advice if I were referring to any other platonic friend whom I had not seen in awhile? Or can a truly platonic friendship not exist between a heterosexual man and heterosexual woman? Sometimes I wonder about this.

I think a truly platonic relationship can exist. Not for everyone, but for many.

 

[England my lionheart]

Don't other think it or beat yourself up over it,send a text saying hi and how she's doing,future plans etc,if you get nothing back just move on is my advice.

 

[nPeace]

I will try to make this story as concise as possible. I became friends with a particular woman about a year and a half ago, and we did various platonic activities together over the course of last year. I asked her out a few months later and we saw each other casually but never had sex. It seemed as though things were going well and she was excited to see me, however, she suddenly started coming up with reasons as to why we could no longer spend time together. Nevertheless, I asked a few more times, but there was always some reason why she was too busy, and occasionally she did not respond to my messages. Now, I like to be direct, so I asked her explicitly if I was annoying her, making her uncomfortable, or if she did not want to see me, so I asked her to tell me to leave her alone if she did not want to see me. However, she made it clear that I was not annoying her at all, but that she simply was extremely busy with work and school (as a college student) but that eventually she would have time to see me. So, I waited a bit and asked again and she was still too busy.

Now, I am not socially inept, and it is quite clear to me that she did not want a relationship at the time, so I dropped it. I texted with her about casual topics on occasion, but we never saw each other, and gradually stopped communicating altogether.

Now fast forward to today. It has now been 2-3 months since I last had any communication with her, and nearly 9 months since we saw each other. She has since graduated from college, and I did not attend her graduation, nor did I think about her until recently because a thought disturbed me. If I do not contact her again, it is likely that I will never see her again in my life. This saddens me, because I saw her as a good friend, even if a relationship was not in the cards, and we talked for hours, and had many things in common. However, I also do not want to be seen as being a creepy stalker with an ulterior motive by contacting her again and attempting to arrange meeting up with her. I worry about being perceived in this way because I already asked her out and received several "implicit" rejections (aka non-responses), and perhaps kept asking a few times too many.

At this point, I do not even want a relationship of a romantic kind with her. I have moved on from her in that regard entirely. I just cannot bear the thought of never seeing her again, in the same sense that I would be saddened if I did not see any friend or relative that I was close to again.

Thoughts? Advice? Or am I just an overthinking, sappy, socially inept moron?

Well, if you are telling the truth about your age....
Her friends wanted to know if she was on crack cocaine.
She wanted some money, but you weren't giving her.
.............


If you are younger than you have indicated....
She found you boring.
..............


Advice...
Go out with your friends, and shoot some pools, and play dominoes, or golf, or... and leave the young girls alone.
You do have friends, don't you?


Hey Hubert... pal. What's life without a little joke.
Not joking on the advice though.

 

[Nakosis]

I will try to make this story as concise as possible. I became friends with a particular woman about a year and a half ago, and we did various platonic activities together over the course of last year. I asked her out a few months later and we saw each other casually but never had sex. It seemed as though things were going well and she was excited to see me, however, she suddenly started coming up with reasons as to why we could no longer spend time together. Nevertheless, I asked a few more times, but there was always some reason why she was too busy, and occasionally she did not respond to my messages. Now, I like to be direct, so I asked her explicitly if I was annoying her, making her uncomfortable, or if she did not want to see me, so I asked her to tell me to leave her alone if she did not want to see me. However, she made it clear that I was not annoying her at all, but that she simply was extremely busy with work and school (as a college student) but that eventually she would have time to see me. So, I waited a bit and asked again and she was still too busy.

Now, I am not socially inept, and it is quite clear to me that she did not want a relationship at the time, so I dropped it. I texted with her about casual topics on occasion, but we never saw each other, and gradually stopped communicating altogether.

Now fast forward to today. It has now been 2-3 months since I last had any communication with her, and nearly 9 months since we saw each other. She has since graduated from college, and I did not attend her graduation, nor did I think about her until recently because a thought disturbed me. If I do not contact her again, it is likely that I will never see her again in my life. This saddens me, because I saw her as a good friend, even if a relationship was not in the cards, and we talked for hours, and had many things in common. However, I also do not want to be seen as being a creepy stalker with an ulterior motive by contacting her again and attempting to arrange meeting up with her. I worry about being perceived in this way because I already asked her out and received several "implicit" rejections (aka non-responses), and perhaps kept asking a few times too many.

At this point, I do not even want a relationship of a romantic kind with her. I have moved on from her in that regard entirely. I just cannot bear the thought of never seeing her again, in the same sense that I would be saddened if I did not see any friend or relative that I was close to again.

Thoughts? Advice? Or am I just an overthinking, sappy, socially inept moron?

My sister-in-law basically dropped her boyfriend because he was too slow in advancing the relationship to a sexual one.

If a person is interested in having a magnanimous hetrosexual relationship that usually means continued relationship with members of the opposite sex end up being awkward unless it is a mutual friend of both partners. Perhaps why she cut off contact.

Not what every woman is looking for but I suspect it is what a majority want.

 

[Skwim]

You are probably right, although I still question it. Your logic seems to be based upon the idea that a platonic friendship cannot exist between a heterosexual man and woman, since you argue that I should never contact her again. Why do you think this is the case?

I based my analysis on the fact that:

"I asked her out a few months later and we saw each other casually but never had sex. It seemed as though things were going well and she was excited to see me, however, she suddenly started coming up with reasons as to why we could no longer spend time together."
​

If she was excited to see you she was letting you know she wanted to take the relationship forward. But by not doing so you, in effect, said, "I don't care to." Thing is, sometimes a woman can be shy or coy about letting a guy know what they want, yet still expect him to not only pick up on their signals but act on 'em, and if not immediately then pretty darn soon. It isn't fair to us guys, but there you are. So, failing to do so was not only embarrassing to her, but made her want to "run" from the situation and the relationship. Hence her suddenly coming up with reasons as to why you could no longer spend time together.

And, I believe you shouldn't pick up or pursue relationship further because having been spurned, she could very well still feel uncomfortable about it all, and would rather not be reminded of it. So I believe any further pursual would be in vain, and might well hurt what good memories she has of you.

.

 

[Hockeycowboy]

I will try to make this story as concise as possible. I became friends with a particular woman about a year and a half ago, and we did various platonic activities together over the course of last year. I asked her out a few months later and we saw each other casually but never had sex. It seemed as though things were going well and she was excited to see me, however, she suddenly started coming up with reasons as to why we could no longer spend time together. Nevertheless, I asked a few more times, but there was always some reason why she was too busy, and occasionally she did not respond to my messages. Now, I like to be direct, so I asked her explicitly if I was annoying her, making her uncomfortable, or if she did not want to see me, so I asked her to tell me to leave her alone if she did not want to see me. However, she made it clear that I was not annoying her at all, but that she simply was extremely busy with work and school (as a college student) but that eventually she would have time to see me. So, I waited a bit and asked again and she was still too busy.

Now, I am not socially inept, and it is quite clear to me that she did not want a relationship at the time, so I dropped it. I texted with her about casual topics on occasion, but we never saw each other, and gradually stopped communicating altogether.

Now fast forward to today. It has now been 2-3 months since I last had any communication with her, and nearly 9 months since we saw each other. She has since graduated from college, and I did not attend her graduation, nor did I think about her until recently because a thought disturbed me. If I do not contact her again, it is likely that I will never see her again in my life. This saddens me, because I saw her as a good friend, even if a relationship was not in the cards, and we talked for hours, and had many things in common. However, I also do not want to be seen as being a creepy stalker with an ulterior motive by contacting her again and attempting to arrange meeting up with her. I worry about being perceived in this way because I already asked her out and received several "implicit" rejections (aka non-responses), and perhaps kept asking a few times too many.

At this point, I do not even want a relationship of a romantic kind with her. I have moved on from her in that regard entirely. I just cannot bear the thought of never seeing her again, in the same sense that I would be saddened if I did not see any friend or relative that I was close to again.

Thoughts? Advice? Or am I just an overthinking, sappy, socially inept moron?

Did you ever tell her how much you enjoyed her company? Let her know!

Do you know any of her other friends? Ask them, discreetly of course, if she is seeing someone. Other guys can be hard on their girlfriends having another male friend.... That could be it.

 

[Hockeycowboy]

I based my analysis on the fact that:

"I asked her out a few months later and we saw each other casually but never had sex. It seemed as though things were going well and she was excited to see me, however, she suddenly started coming up with reasons as to why we could no longer spend time together."
​

If she was excited to see you she was letting you know she wanted to take the relationship forward. But by not doing so you, in effect, said "I don't care to." Thing is, sometimes a woman can be shy or coy about letting a guy know what they want, yet still expect him to not only pick up on their signals but act on 'em, and if not immediately then pretty darn soon. It isn't fair to us guys, but there you are. So, failing to do so was not only embarrassing to her, but made her want to "run" from the situation and the relationship. Hence her suddenly coming up with reasons as to why you could no longer spend time together.

And, I believe you shouldn't pick up or pursue relationship further because having been spurned, she could very well still feel embarrassed by it all, and would rather not be reminded of it. So I believe any further pursual would be in vain, and might well hurt what good memories she has of you.

.

That's a great assessment, Skwim! I think you're right.
@Hubert Farnsworth , tell her!

 

[Estro Felino]

It is evident you just want her as a friend because she must be special to you...
But when a woman says no to a male friendship it is probably because she thinks you might not do for her, so she is scared that you might fall in love with her and suffer.
So she is trying to protect you, so to speak.

 

[sun rise]

Unlike others, I don't know enough to offer special advice. And in my past there were people I lost track of that I wonder about on rare occasions.

Whether or not you reach out with a "hi. I hope things are going well for you" is up to you. You might think about what could happen depending on her reply and what you might be wanting from her and how you might feel if you did or did not get a response.

 

[Rational Agnostic]

I based my analysis on the fact that:

Thing is, sometimes a woman can be shy or coy about letting a guy know what they want, yet still expect him to not only pick up on their signals but act on 'em, and if not immediately then pretty darn soon. It isn't fair to us guys, but there you are. So, failing to do so was not only embarrassing to her, but made her want to "run" from the situation and the relationship.

.

You may very well be right. And yet, if I had misinterpreted the signals, she may have viewed me as a perverted creep. I guess that it's a situation that I ruined by overthinking, and just need to learn from. As I said before, I realize that the relationship is highly unlikely to ever occur and I am perfectly fine with that. I just wish I could get a chance to see her again. It sucks to get really close to someone and then realize that they may be out of your life forever. In any case, I don't know if I will contact her again or not, but in either case I'll avoid overthinking it and try not to be emotionally invested.

 

[Rational Agnostic]

Did you ever tell her how much you enjoyed her company? Let her know!

At one point, yes.

The scenario is perhaps even more complicated than presented in the OP, but I do not care to divulge everything here.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

However, I also do not want to be seen as being a creepy stalker with an ulterior motive by contacting her again and attempting to arrange meeting up with her.

It honestly would look like that, and I agree with Skwim. I'm afraid.

I've been around the block a few times.

 

[Koldo]

You are probably right, although I still question it. Your logic seems to be based upon the idea that a platonic friendship cannot exist between a heterosexual man and woman, since you argue that I should never contact her again. Why do you think this is the case?

My advice would be: Move on.
She's clearly not interested in having any sort of relationship with you, be it as a friend or as a lover. Not anymore.

The best thing you could do for yourself is to move on. Why ? It is never a good idea to try to have any sort of relationship with someone that keeps rejecting you.

 

[Father Heathen]

Let her go. Trust me, if she had any interest in maintaining even a platonic friendship, she would've put forth some effort to keep in touch. She wasn't honest or strait forward with you because she wanted to be "polite" and spare your feelings, which is course is bull**** because it's misleading and in the long run more painful than upfront rejection.
It's best to wash your hands of her and move on.

Out of curiosity, when you were spending time together did she often ask for favors, like borrowing cash?

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Let her go. Trust me, if she had any interest into maintaining even a platonic friendship, she would've put forth some effort to keep in touch. She wasn't honest or strait forward with you because she wanted to be "polite" and spare your feelings, which is course is bull**** because it's misleading and in the long run more painful than upfront rejection.

Even so, in my experience it's the norm in the 21st century, so one has to get used to it and move on.