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How Would You Handle This?

SalixIncendium

अग्निविलोवनन्दः
Staff member
Premium Member
Yes, I know the title says absolutely nothing about the thread topic, and that's because I couldn't think of an appropriate title.

So I step out for some breakfast this morning and open my garage door to get into my car. I see a note taped to the windshield. At first I assume that I'm finally busted for parking in the middle of a two-car garage and the landlord is telling me to get my stuff over to my side.

But upon opening the letter, it's from a neighbor who parks her car in the next two-car unit. I've chatted with her in passing when we arrived home from work at the same time, but know nothing about her other than the fact that she lives in my complex, drives a gray Camry, and works at a government job. The letter is essentially asking me out, suggesting we get to know each other better, saying she wants to be my friend, checking to see if I'm still single and available, etc.

While I'm sure she's a lovely lady, this is a complication in my life that I neither want nor have time for (well, the latter isn't entirely true, I could probably make time). I love my life as it is, and have no desire to start a new relationship. As a friend to hang out with from time to time...maybe...but we know nothing about each other and she clearly wants more than to just be friends.

I really don't like to disappoint people, but I know I have to take some action here. So my question to you is this. How do I tell her that this is something I don't want in my life without leaving her feeling disappointed?
 

A Vestigial Mote

Well-Known Member
So my question to you is this. How do I tell her that this is something I don't want in my life without leaving her feeling disappointed?
I might take the person on as a friend and just "see what happens", making no statement one way or another about possibilities. But that obviously depends on whether or not I saw any potential for their to even be a friendship. And obviously, if there wasn't even potential for friendship, then there is no way there is potential for "more." A person can be a "lovely lady" and still not be compatible with certain people. There's nothing for anybody involved to be ashamed of in that.
 

SalixIncendium

अग्निविलोवनन्दः
Staff member
Premium Member
Something I did find a bit odd was that she included no contact information other than her first name and last initial. No phone number, apartment number, anything.

So it would appear that my only means of responding would be to write her a note back and tape it to her windshield.

Why do I feel like I'm passing notes in junior high school? :confused:
 

dybmh

דניאל יוסף בן מאיר הירש
Something I did find a bit odd was that she included no contact information other than her first name and last initial. No phone number, apartment number, anything.

So it would appear that my only means of responding would be to write her a note back and tape it to her windshield.

Why do I feel like I'm passing notes in junior high school? :confused:
Maybe she wasn't expecting a response?
 

Vinayaka

devotee
Premium Member
I don't think you need to do anything. She may well have thought it was a one time shot too. If you had a phone number, sure. tell her you're not interested.
 

Terry Sampson

Well-Known Member
without leaving her feeling disappointed?

Too late. She reached out to you for something that you don't want to give her. She's going to feel disappointed whether you like it or not. Tell her "Thanks, but I have an STD and would hate for you to get it." She'll thank you and be glad nothing came of her contact. Of course, the problem with that is that if the lie gets around, your neighbors will be giving you the evil eye for months or years to come, but the good thing about that is: you're not likely to get any other similar "offers of friendship." :D
 

exchemist

Veteran Member
Yes, I know the title says absolutely nothing about the thread topic, and that's because I couldn't think of an appropriate title.

So I step out for some breakfast this morning and open my garage door to get into my car. I see a note taped to the windshield. At first I assume that I'm finally busted for parking in the middle of a two-car garage and the landlord is telling me to get my stuff over to my side.

But upon opening the letter, it's from a neighbor who parks her car in the next two-car unit. I've chatted with her in passing when we arrived home from work at the same time, but know nothing about her other than the fact that she lives in my complex, drives a gray Camry, and works at a government job. The letter is essentially asking me out, suggesting we get to know each other better, saying she wants to be my friend, checking to see if I'm still single and available, etc.

While I'm sure she's a lovely lady, this is a complication in my life that I neither want nor have time for (well, the latter isn't entirely true, I could probably make time). I love my life as it is, and have no desire to start a new relationship. As a friend to hang out with from time to time...maybe...but we know nothing about each other and she clearly wants more than to just be friends.

I really don't like to disappoint people, but I know I have to take some action here. So my question to you is this. How do I tell her that this is something I don't want in my life without leaving her feeling disappointed?
I think you can accept the social interaction of a cup of coffee quite safely - and it is always useful to be on good terms with a neighbour, I find. You learn more about the neighbourhood and you may want someone to have a key and feed the cats or water your plants, at some point. I'm sure you can then subsequently control the degree of further interaction and gently signal that you prefer to keep a certain distance. If she's intelligent and well-adjusted she will take the hint. If she's neither of those things then you may have to be more direct, but in that case you may not want her as a friend anyway!

I had a bit of the same thing from two mothers from my son's school, after my wife died. Each of these charming ladies had a broken marriage and - and after a respectful interval - they seemed to be sniffing around a bit to find out more about my age, background and interests etc. But, not feeling like getting involved, I was able to keep it at the stage of occasional cups of coffee and chats. They mostly leave me in peace now, but it's nice to have them on the Christmas card list.
 

exchemist

Veteran Member
I'm holding out for paisley suspenders.
This conversation doesn't cross the Atlantic very well. To a Brit, suspenders are what women use to hold up stockings (the sort that are not hold-ups.) :D

We call the things that stop your trousers falling down "braces".
 
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