How To Strenghten Your Marriage

[Nubialy]

IMAGINE a house that has fallen into a state of disrepair. The paint is peeling, the roof is damaged, and even the lawn lies untended. Obviously, this building has weathered some severe storms over the years, and it has suffered from neglect. Should it be demolished? Not necessarily. If the foundation is strong and the structure is stable, the house can likely be restored.


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Does the condition of that house remind you of your marriage? Over the years, severe storms, so to speak, may have taken a toll on your marital relationship. A degree of neglect may be involved on the part of one or both of you. You may feel as did Sandy. After 15 years of wedlock, she stated: "We had nothing in common but being married to each other. And that wasn’t enough."​

Even if your marriage has reached this point, do not hastily conclude that it should be terminated. Likely, your marriage can be restored. Much depends on the level of commitment that exists between you and your mate. Commitment can help to give a marriage stability in times of trial. But what is commitment? And how can the Bible help you to strengthen it?​

Commitment​

Involves Obligation


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According to one dictionary, commitment refers to "the state of being obligated or emotionally impelled." At times, the word is applied to something impersonal, such as a business agreement. For example, a builder might feel obliged to fulfill the demands of a contract he has signed to construct a house. He may not personally know the one who commissioned the work. Still, he feels compelled to live up to his word.


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Although marriage is not a cold business deal, the commitment involved includes obligation. You and your mate likely have solemnly vowed before God and man to stay together, come what may. Jesus stated: "He who created [man and woman] from the beginning made them male and female and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will stick to his wife.’" Jesus added: "What God has yoked together let no man put apart." (Matthew 19:4-6) When problems arise, then, you and your mate should be firmly resolved to honor the commitment you made. Says one wife: "It wasn’t until we stopped considering divorce as an option that things began to improve."​

There is more to marital commitment, though, than obligation. What else is involved?​

Teamwork​

Strengthens Commitment to Marriage


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Commitment to marriage does not mean that marriage mates will never disagree with each other. When a conflict occurs, there should be an earnest desire to resolve the matter not only because of an obligatory vow but because of an emotional bond. Regarding husband and wife, Jesus said: "They are no longer two, but one flesh."


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What does it mean to be "one flesh" with your mate? The apostle Paul wrote that "husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies." (Ephesians 5:28, 29) In part, then, being "one flesh" means that you feel as concerned with the welfare of your mate as you are with your own. Married people need to shift their thinking from "mine" to "ours," from "me" to "we." One counselor wrote: "Both partners must stop being single at heart, and come to be married at heart."​

Are you and your spouse "married at heart"? It is possible to be together for many years and yet not be "one flesh" in that sense. Yes, that can happen, but the book Giving Time a Chance says: "Marriage means sharing a life, and the more two people share, the more there is to grow on."

Some unhappy couples stay together for the sake of their children or for financial security. Others endure because they have strong moral objections to divorce or because they fear what others will think if they break up. While it is commendable that these marriages endure, remember that your goal should be to have a loving relationship, not simply a lasting one.​

Unselfish​

Acts Promote Marital Commitment


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The Bible foretold that during "the last days," people would be "lovers of themselves." (2 Timothy 3:1, 2) True to that prophecy, the emphasis today seems to be on a worshipful devotion to self. In all too many marriages, to give of oneself without guarantee of reciprocation is viewed as a sign of weakness. In a healthy marriage, however, both mates display a self-sacrificing spirit. How can you do so?


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Instead of dwelling on the question, ‘What am I getting out of this relationship?’ ask yourself, ‘What am I personally doing to strengthen my marriage?’ The Bible says that Christians should be "keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just [their] own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of the others." (Philippians 2:4) While pondering this Bible principle, analyze your actions during the past week. How often did you perform an act of kindness solely for the benefit of your spouse? When your mate wanted to talk, did you listen—even if you did not feel particularly inclined to do so? How many activities did you engage in that interested your mate more than you?​

In weighing such questions, do not worry that your good deeds will go unnoticed or unrewarded. "In most relationships," says one reference work, "positive behavior is reciprocated, so do your best to encourage your partner to behave positively by behaving more positively yourself." Self-sacrificing acts strengthen your marriage because they show that you value it and want to preserve it.​

A​

Long-Term View Is Essential


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Jehovah God values loyalty. Indeed, the Bible states: "With someone loyal you [Jehovah] will act in loyalty." (2 Samuel 22:26) Remaining loyal to God entails remaining loyal to the marriage arrangement that he instituted.—Genesis 2:24.


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If you and your mate are loyal to each other, you enjoy a sense of permanence about your union. When you think about the months, years, and decades ahead, you see yourselves together in the picture. The thought of not being married to each other is utterly foreign, and this outlook brings security to your relationship. One wife says: "Even when I’m maddest at [my husband] and I’m most upset about what is happening to us, I’m not worrying about our marriage coming to an end. I’m worried about how we are ever going to get back to where we were. I don’t have a doubt in the world that we’re going to get back—I just can’t see how right then."​

A long-term view is an essential part of commitment to one’s mate, yet it is sadly lacking in many marriages. During heated exchanges, one spouse may blurt out, "I’m leaving you!" or, "I’m going to find someone who really appreciates me!" Granted, most often such words are not meant literally. Still, the Bible notes that the tongue can be "full of death-dealing poison." (James 3:8) Threats and ultimatums send out the message: ‘I do not view our marriage as permanent. I can leave it at any time.’ Implying such a thing can be destructive to a marriage.​

When you have a long-term view, you expect to be with your mate through thick and thin. This has an added benefit. It will make it far easier for you and your mate to accept weaknesses and mistakes and to continue putting up with each other and forgiving each other freely. (Colossians 3:13) "In a good marriage," says one handbook, "there’s room for both of you to fail, and for the marriage to hold together in spite of it."​

On your wedding day, you made a commitment, not to the institution of marriage, but to a living person—your mate. This fact should have a profound effect on the way you now think and act as a married person. Do you not agree that you should remain with your mate not only because you strongly believe in the sanctity of marriage but also because you love the person you married?​

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[EnhancedSpirit]

This was a nice start to an old problem. Only you have used the same generalities that has been used for eons. It's too easy for people to back out when the going gets tough. But I will agree that unless there is an immediate danger to someone, a marriage should be nurtured and salvaged, not just tossed aside. But why do we fall in and out of love. My website has a section on the truth about relationships, and links to where one can go to help save their marriage. Here is an excerpt from this information:
Why do people fall in love? Why do they fall out of love? What do they want most in marriage? How can a bad marriage become a great marriage?

Inside all of us is a Love Bank with accounts in the names of everyone we know. When these people are associated with our good feelings, "love units" are deposited into their accounts, and when they are associated with our bad feelings, love units are withdrawn. We are emotionally attracted to people with positive balances and repulsed by those with negative balances. This is the way our emotions encourage us to be with people who seem to treat us well, and avoid those who seem to hurt us.

The emotional reactions we have toward people, whether its attraction or repulsion, is not a matter of choice. Love Bank balances cause them. Try "choosing" to be attracted to those you associate with some of your worst experiences -- it's almost impossible. Or try to feel repulsed by those associated with your best feelings. You do not decide whom you will like or dislike -- it's their association with your feelings, whether they have made Love Bank deposits or withdrawals, that determines your emotional reactions to them.

We like those with positive Love Bank balances and dislike those with negative balances. But if an account reaches a certain threshold, a very special emotional reaction is triggered -- romantic love. We no longer simply like the person -- we are in love. It's a feeling of incredible attraction to someone of the opposite sex.

When a man and woman are both in love, their emotions are encouraging them to make each other happy for life. In fact, the thought of spending life apart is usually frightening. It seems to them that they were made to be together for eternity. In almost every case, a man and woman marry because they are in love, and they are in love because their love bank balances are above the romantic love threshold.

But what goes up can usually come down, and Love Bank balances are no exception. As almost every married couple has discovered, the feeling of romantic love is much more fragile than originally thought. The currency used is the fulfillment of your most important needs. When you do something to please your spouse, a deposit is made. When you neglect your spouse, a withdrawl has ocurred. And if Love Bank balances drop below the romantic love threshold, a couple not only lose their feeling of passion for each other, but they lose their instinct to make each other happy. What was once effortless now becomes awkward, and even repulsive. And without love, a husband and wife no longer want to spend their lives together.

 

[Scuba Pete]

A couple of good friends told me the best thing to do for your marriage, is to turn the TV off!

 

[johnnys4life]

This is slightly off track but I have a problem with my marriage, because every time my husband and I fight I get so mad and so hurt I tell him I'm thinking about leaving. Like, I know that divorce isn't an option and I know I would never actually do it. But, when we fight, for that one minute when I say it, I mean it. I just want get away. I feel like I can't take it, like it isn't worth all the pain. And because he does this one thing that drives me NUTS.

HE WALKS AWAY. That's it. He doesn't stay and talk things out. He just ignores me and walks off in the middle of an argument. I can't even explain why that gets to me so much. He'll even walk away and go to bed still angry, or leave the house so I can't even talk to him when I cool down.

Sorry if this is too personal. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice about it. Cause I don't know what to do. It kills him when I say that. Sometimes he even cries, and I feel so bad after, but during, I think GOOD. Because then he doesn't ignore me anymore. Then he tries to work things out, and we do. But I don't want it to come to that. And someday what if he doesn't believe me, and I end up having to?

 

[ayani]

johnnys-

my mother and father would have this problem... my mom would be trying to argue a point with my dad and he'd just get ticked off and leave mid-conversation to get a beer downtown. my dad wasn't the most mature guy in the world...

i feel that if you don't want to end your marriage, don't. have you thought about seeing a marriage counselor with him, to sit down and work some of this out?

 

[Scuba Pete]

Learning how to argue or disagree is probably the hardest part of ANY relationship. It takes a commitment from both sides to work through it.

No one can hurt me as deeply as my wife. Fortunately, she does not elect to abuse that power. When we hurt each other, we rally try to see it from the other's perspective. It's not always pleasant, but it is always worth it.

 

[cardero]

Sorry if this is too personal. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice about it. Cause I don't know what to do. It kills him when I say that. Sometimes he even cries, and I feel so bad after, but during, I think GOOD. Because then he doesn't ignore me anymore. Then he tries to work things out, and we do. But I don't want it to come to that. And someday what if he doesn't believe me, and I end up having to?

The most productive arguments are the ones that are planned, that are thoughtful and most of all quiet. Mrscarrdero and I set some time periodically to talk about all the things that bother us, this way we get our points over clearly and sincerely. Even if you have to resort to writing these problems down for future discussion it is very important how each of you sees each other. If an argument does erupt, stop immediately at that point where it becomes loud and walk away or cool down and bring it up at a later date where you can discuss or debate it rationally, considerately. After awhile these round table discussions will recede because both people will know what is expected of them. If you need a mediator or an outside observer, do not neglect the help of a professional marriage counselor.

 

[cardero]

A couple of good friends told me the best thing to do for your marriage, is to turn the TV off!

People who quote this usually do not have an understanding of the fine moments of what sharing a great movie or program with a love one means to a relationship. If it wasn't for mrscarrdero's love for movies I would have never met her and Star Trek Voyager-well that was just the cement that bonded the relationship. Today, we usually try to watch a movie every night, this will include popcorn, blankets, cuddling and all the necessities. To put a wild spark in your marriage and if it is within your means, pick a nice evening to visit a drive-in preferrably that is supporting a double feature, this way you get one movie to watch and another movie for smooching.

 

[michel]

Johnnys4life; I have been through patches similar to the one you have described with your husband; I found that when I felt a need to talk, and find a solution to whatever was bothering the two of us, emotion would get in the way of any 'logical' and constructive discussion.

Have you ever thought of writing 'a letter' to your husband ?; that way, he gets to read what you have to say, and can't interrupt you - he can, if necessary, reply to you in the same way. Even if he runs away, and disappears, the chances are that he will read what your thooughts are, and, because you are not in front of him, he will not 'loose it'.

 

[johnnys4life]

Thanks u guys.

 

[EnhancedSpirit]

This is slightly off track but I have a problem with my marriage, because every time my husband and I fight I get so mad and so hurt I tell him I'm thinking about leaving. Like, I know that divorce isn't an option and I know I would never actually do it. But, when we fight, for that one minute when I say it, I mean it. I just want get away. I feel like I can't take it, like it isn't worth all the pain. And because he does this one thing that drives me NUTS.

HE WALKS AWAY. That's it. He doesn't stay and talk things out. He just ignores me and walks off in the middle of an argument. I can't even explain why that gets to me so much. He'll even walk away and go to bed still angry, or leave the house so I can't even talk to him when I cool down.

Sorry if this is too personal. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice about it. Cause I don't know what to do. It kills him when I say that. Sometimes he even cries, and I feel so bad after, but during, I think GOOD. Because then he doesn't ignore me anymore. Then he tries to work things out, and we do. But I don't want it to come to that. And someday what if he doesn't believe me, and I end up having to?

I sent you a PM. but then decided that others may be having problems too. There is a website called Marriage Builders. Dr Harley does not use generalities. He explains the dynamics of relationships and takes the mystery out of it. He explains how there are 10 basic needs of every human, and the order in which we prioritize them is what makes us unique. I am no good at explaining this so I will leave it to the expert. But please, any one who is having trouble with their relationship visit the site. And read through his concepts. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

 

[michel]

I sent you a PM. but then decided that others may be having problems too. There is a website called Marriage Builders. Dr Harley does not use generalities. He explains the dynamics of relationships and takes the mystery out of it. He explains how there are 10 basic needs of every human, and the order in which we prioritize them is what makes us unique. I am no good at explaining this so I will leave it to the expert. But please, any one who is having trouble with their relationship visit the site. And read through his concepts. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

I've had a look at the site you quote; I don't mean to put anyone 'off' it - it might work for some, but it sounds a tad contrived. How about the book 'Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus' ?

 

[EnhancedSpirit]

I've had a look at the site you quote; I don't mean to put anyone 'off' it - it might work for some, but it sounds a tad contrived. How about the book 'Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus' ?

It's funny that you use the word contrived followed by Men are from Mars . . .:jiggy:

I read that book, it was too general. Dr. Harley is very specific, and it makes so much sense. An example is this. I used to work really hard trying to make sure everything in the house was done. I loved my husband and wanted to be a good wife. And I did what I thought a good wife should do. But then he would get upset cause the clean clothes were still in the garage, and not in his drawer. OR I was too tired to do things he wanted to do . I felt like I was giving a lot, and getting very little. I had a new baby, and was very run down physically and emotionally. Dr. Hurley explained that what I saw as important for a wife to do was not neccessarily what my husband cared about. I found that it made him extremely happy to have his socks matched and in his drawer, but a spotless kitchen floor did not impress him in the least. I learned that I was using up all my energy on things that didn't matter and inadvertantly ignoring his needs.

 

[michel]

It's funny that you use the word contrived followed by Men are from Mars . . .:jiggy:

I read that book, it was too general. Dr. Harley is very specific, and it makes so much sense. An example is this. I used to work really hard trying to make sure everything in the house was done. I loved my husband and wanted to be a good wife. And I did what I thought a good wife should do. But then he would get upset cause the clean clothes were still in the garage, and not in his drawer. OR I was too tired to do things he wanted to do . I felt like I was giving a lot, and getting very little. I had a new baby, and was very run down physically and emotionally. Dr. Hurley explained that what I saw as important for a wife to do was not neccessarily what my husband cared about. I found that it made him extremely happy to have his socks matched and in his drawer, but a spotless kitchen floor did not impress him in the least. I learned that I was using up all my energy on things that didn't matter and inadvertantly ignoring his needs.

I'm really sorry you've had such a hard time. I must admit, the harder I try to do things to please my wife, the more trouble I seem to get into.............

 

[michel]

Hi Orichalcum; Namaste.

Welcome; hope you like it here.

 

[Melody]

This is slightly off track but I have a problem with my marriage, because every time my husband and I fight I get so mad and so hurt I tell him I'm thinking about leaving. Like, I know that divorce isn't an option and I know I would never actually do it. But, when we fight, for that one minute when I say it, I mean it. I just want get away. I feel like I can't take it, like it isn't worth all the pain. And because he does this one thing that drives me NUTS.

HE WALKS AWAY. That's it. He doesn't stay and talk things out. He just ignores me and walks off in the middle of an argument. I can't even explain why that gets to me so much. He'll even walk away and go to bed still angry, or leave the house so I can't even talk to him when I cool down.

Sorry if this is too personal. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice about it. Cause I don't know what to do. It kills him when I say that. Sometimes he even cries, and I feel so bad after, but during, I think GOOD. Because then he doesn't ignore me anymore. Then he tries to work things out, and we do. But I don't want it to come to that. And someday what if he doesn't believe me, and I end up having to?

J4L,
Don't take your husband's communication style as an indication of his feelings for you. When things get too much for me emotionally, I will walk away in the middle of an argument...not because I don't care but because I care a lot and I'm afraid I'll say something I won't be able to take back.

After 15 years of marriage, I still wouldn't consider myself an expert but I would offer one piece of advice...which I think is better than the "never go to bed angry."

When a discussion becomes yelling or stoops to the level of insults, stop and take a deep breath and tell your spouse that this discussion is really important...so important that you want to have it when you're both calmed down. Then walk away and calm down. This gives you time to think about what you were just arguing about and get to the root of the problem. Then make sure you go back and discuss it...don't just let it drop. Unles, off course, you decide it was a ridiculous argument to start with.

Personally, if I were you, I'd try to get your husband to sit down and talk about why he walks away. Let him know that it bothers you and why. Do it without tears, accusations or guilt trips. Maybe talk over some strategies you can both use when a sensitive subject starts to get out of control.

Take the time to learn to communicate with each other. It will make the rest of the marriage so much easier.

 

[EnhancedSpirit]

I'm really sorry you've had such a hard time. I must admit, the harder I try to do things to please my wife, the more trouble I seem to get into.............

Do you feel like this sometimes :banghead3 :bonk: Any one who has been in a relationship, will sometimes feel like they are living with two different people. And they are. In each of us is a giver and a taker. Usually these two work in harmony with each other. When you go to the store, you take food, and you give money. But when two people are 'in love' the giver takes over completely. You give freely to each other, and find balance in the giving and recieving of each other. However, when one person feels like they are giving more than they are getting, his/her owner 'taker' will take over and demand a balance in the scales.

Michel. Back to the love bank. While taking your wife out to dinner, or calling her just to say Hi, or picking up your socks are all deposits, each one is of different value. Same with 'withdrawls' against your wife. And only your wife's individual wants and needs will determine the value of each deed. All the effort you make, might be little $1 deposits, against $50 withdrawls. And your wife might see and appreciate the effort you are making, however this only causes frustration, because of what she feels in her heart, the love bank. What you need to do, is forget what you think your wife would like. Find out what her $1000 deposits are. And do those things. Once her needs are being filled, she will have no option but return the same, for the balance between the givers and takers will always come.

An example is this: My ex would call me everyday to tell me he loved me and see how I was doing. But I had a new baby, and almost always, he would call while we were trying to nap. I knew he was only acting out of love, but I would get frustrated it was a $1 deposit AND a withdrawl at the same time. But, he would also come home after working all day and give ME a message. Now this, my friends was a $1000 dollar deposit and usually made up for any withdrawls he made throughout the day.

 

[lasthope]

I am really enjoying this thread so far. I have been married almost 12 years. My wife and I got married very young. (which i think it has helped us, since we have pretty much grown up together) I do like the deposit and withdrawl idea. But I think if it is truly love, then you can overdraw that acount time and time again and know that your true love will always be there to give you a loan until you can bring your account back to a positive balance.