How to be a man

[Stevicus]

How to be a man | Psyche Guides

In the conversation around what it means to be a man, there’s a tug-of-war between two sides that control much of the public discourse. On one side, there are people complaining that young men are too ‘soft’, that they need to stop whining, ‘suck it up’ by swallowing back their feelings – other than anger – and start ‘acting like a man’. On the other side are people insisting that all traditional masculine behaviour is ‘toxic’ and needs to be thrown out with the trash.

Missing from these opposing claims is a discussion about a more nuanced and customised form of gender identity that meets men’s individual emotional needs. And that’s what is needed to be a man today: the freedom to customise one’s gender identity and not be forced into what’s on the rack. One essential article we all need in our wardrobe is emotional resiliency.

Given all the stress and distractions in modern life, it’s hard enough to maintain a dialogue with our inner selves about who we are and want to be. For men, the war over our identity makes it all the more tempting to table deep, explorative thoughts about our own masculinity. But if there was ever a time that we needed to think about, reassess and reimagine what it means to be a man, it’s now.

Why now? Guys: a lot of us are struggling. Even if we no longer buy into many of the traditional and dangerous masculine behaviours – such as hiding our real feelings and reacting aggressively anytime our masculinity feels threatened – many men still unwittingly cling to vestiges of the old scripts that no longer serve us. We might still buy into the beliefs that we’re supposed to avoid asking for help and that we should not talk about our fears, sadness or emotional isolation. After all, competent men – the buffed, cocksure heroes of pop culture – don’t do these things, right?

Well, holding on to that kind of old-school belief could be hurting us. Men are at the fore of multiple public health crises. Worldwide, they die by suicide at more than twice the rate that women do. In the United States, almost three quarters of deaths from excessive drinking occur in men. A study of thousands of Australians found that, while a greater proportion of women than men said they ‘often feel lonely’, men indicated a lack of social support at higher rates (based on their agreement with statements such as ‘people don’t come to visit me as often as I would like’). And the loneliness experienced by many men is associated with increased risk of mental illness and life-threatening diseases. All these public health threats are likely connected, to some extent, to traditional or mainstream masculine norms that teach men to separate from their deeper emotional needs.

The truth is, a lot of men are depressed and might not realise it; there is evidence that depression in men is underdiagnosed. Have there been times you’ve lashed out hard at family members, a partner or child over small things? Risky behaviours you’ve been leaning into more often, such as drinking heavily or driving fast? These and other patterns can point to untreated depression in men. Trying to simply swallow back difficult feelings comes at a cost. Judging rather than accepting ‘negative’ emotions, research suggests, could contribute to worse mental health, including symptoms of depression as well as anxiety.

I thought this was an interesting article. It's a bit long; might take a few minutes to read, but it raises some interesting points about how masculinity has been changing and how men can often struggle to adapt. Over the course of my life, I've seen a lot of mixed messages which took some time to sort through.

Ask questions about masculinity

For men to succeed in the classroom and workplace, a new toolkit is required, one that includes self-awareness, self-restraint, empathy, tolerance, collaboration and strong communication skills. Usually, we’re expected to figure this out on our own. Why not start learning together?

One way to do that is to sit down with a male friend or two and have a conversation about traditional or mainstream masculinity. Questions to consider asking are:

• What qualities of traditional masculinity are worth ‘keeping’? Why?
• Which ones are worth letting go of? Why?
• What kinds of things should men be able to discuss openly without judgment?
• What kind of behaviors should men be allowed to engage in without judgment?
• What feelings should men be able to feel and show without judgment?

Discuss these or write down your responses.

What qualities of traditional masculinity are worth ‘keeping’? Why?

Which ones are worth letting go of? Why?

What kinds of things should men be able to discuss openly without judgment?

What kind of behaviors should men be allowed to engage in without judgment?

What feelings should men be able to feel and show without judgment?

I think these questions should be explored, although I recall in the past when there was the "sensitive male" movement of the 70s which degenerated into a parody of itself. Then a few years later, there was the "male bonding" movement, which also turned into a bit of a parody, as shown here:

On the other hand, I've heard people who say that "being a man" is not an option - it's a requirement for survival. Just like in the famous Johnny Cash song:

"Son, this world is rough
And if a man's gonna make it
He's gotta be tough"

I'm also not sure if men are about "burying" their emotions. There's nothing wrong with emotions, in and of themselves, but I also think it's more practical to let the head rule over the heart. I think there is some truth in the ideas about logic over emotions as presented regarding the Vulcans. I don't think they buried their emotions as much as compartmentalized them, so that they wouldn't cloud or interfere with their rational thought processes. They were still keenly aware of their emotions, and that awareness allowed them to process their emotions and keep them under control.

I always somewhat resisted the idea that a feeling is automatically valid just because it exists. I grew up hearing phrases such as "I'm sorry, but that's just the way I feel" and that the feeling is all-important, even if someone doesn't know why or how they came to that feeling. They may not even want to know or even care, which seems to be a barrier to problem-solving and conflict resolution.

For men, anger is one emotion that "real men" can still express openly, but they still may not be able to understand why they're angry or articulate it in rational, coherent terms.

 

[Left Coast]

 

[ChristineM]

 

[Stevicus]

I've never seen that one before. What is it from?

That seems a rather grueling, yet musical form of basic training. I was rejected for military service myself, so I never went through any basic training, but I wonder how it might compare to this:

 

[Stevicus]

There's also this one:

 

[JustGeorge]

What qualities of traditional masculinity are worth ‘keeping’? Why?

Honestly, the idea of traditional masculinity might be worth exploring. Not to shove it on all men as 'you must be this!' but to identify what it was then, what it is now, and how it got there.

Which ones are worth letting go of? Why?

That there is a 'right way' and 'wrong way' to be a man. Just let men be people... If a man has a negative(or several) negative qualities, I think it would do good to stop screaming 'toxic masculinity'. That, in a way, pins the behavior on all men. Why can't we just say "Joe is kind of a jerk"?

What kinds of things should men be able to discuss openly without judgment?

What kind of behaviors should men be allowed to engage in without judgment?

I don't really feel there are any behaviors that should always be allowed by all men(or women). Time and place... But that's not really a gender thing. Its just a human behavior thing. Assess your surroundings and determine if now is the time to do/say what you're thinking. If its not, you may be judged. If one is okay with that, proceed. If not, stop.

Feelings in general are problematic. I don't think we'll ever(as a society) hammer this out. Men with too many feelings get picked at. Women with too few feelings get picked at. I think it would do good to examine what feelings are, how to control them, and how to use them. It seems people spend time telling small children about their feelings, but not really what to do with them. They're just a small fragment on a situation for most people, but so many seem to think they're the be all-end all of everything. If we could use them as a tool rather than part of who 'we' are, perhaps we could remove the gender stigma from any of them and make them more acceptable to be had(and expressed) by all.

Regarding anger, when I married my husband, he was only 23. We went through our 'attack' maybe a year or so into our marriage; he had a whole mess of pent up anger over it. At everybody. My uncle at one point took him aside, and told him "a man is not a man until he learns to control his temper." And then he walked off. That really stuck with him. I think there's value in this. My husband had every right to be angry; someone had threatened his life, his family's lives, and he'd lost his home over it. But, what to do with the anger? Gnashing teeth at everybody you come into contact with doesn't cut it. My dad was an angry man for most of his young life; he eventually learned to use the fuel for exercise, and at 70, he's still able to run several miles a day(he says its usually over 6, but not more than 10).

 

[Left Coast]

I've never seen that one before. What is it from?

Mulan of course! Circa 1998.

 

[Kooky]

I've never seen that one before. What is it from?

The Disney movie Mulan (after the Chinese legend of Hua Mulan). The song gets a short reprise at the climax of the movie, in an interesting twist on the first scene:

I heartily recommend the movie, by the way; it's fun and colorful and, while remaining mostly a lighthearted action-comedy, does have some points to make re: gender roles. Just don't watch the most recent remake, which is, in my humble opinion, a travesty of both the original material and the original Disney movie, and not the fun kind of travesty.

 

[Kooky]

What feelings should men be able to feel and show without judgment?

All of them?

I don't think there is such a thing as having "wrong" feelings. What matters, in my opinion, is how we act on feelings, not that we have them. In fact, I'd argue that it can be positively cathartic for some people to be able to express their emotions without fearing social reprisal; in some situations, that may even be all we need. In a few situations, maybe all we need is to cry, or shout in anger, or howl in frustration or despair, and that can in some cases be enough to allow us to look at what brought us there and help us deal with that in some way.

I personally think that a lot of personal or social tragedy can be mitigated or perhaps outright prevented, if people were more allowed and guided to express negative, destructive emotions in healthier and more productive ways - but that require knowing that we have them, and expressing them first in a safe environment. In my opinion.

 

[exchemist]

How to be a man | Psyche Guides



I thought this was an interesting article. It's a bit long; might take a few minutes to read, but it raises some interesting points about how masculinity has been changing and how men can often struggle to adapt. Over the course of my life, I've seen a lot of mixed messages which took some time to sort through.



What qualities of traditional masculinity are worth ‘keeping’? Why?

Which ones are worth letting go of? Why?

What kinds of things should men be able to discuss openly without judgment?

What kind of behaviors should men be allowed to engage in without judgment?

What feelings should men be able to feel and show without judgment?

I think these questions should be explored, although I recall in the past when there was the "sensitive male" movement of the 70s which degenerated into a parody of itself. Then a few years later, there was the "male bonding" movement, which also turned into a bit of a parody, as shown here:

On the other hand, I've heard people who say that "being a man" is not an option - it's a requirement for survival. Just like in the famous Johnny Cash song:

"Son, this world is rough
And if a man's gonna make it
He's gotta be tough"

I'm also not sure if men are about "burying" their emotions. There's nothing wrong with emotions, in and of themselves, but I also think it's more practical to let the head rule over the heart. I think there is some truth in the ideas about logic over emotions as presented regarding the Vulcans. I don't think they buried their emotions as much as compartmentalized them, so that they wouldn't cloud or interfere with their rational thought processes. They were still keenly aware of their emotions, and that awareness allowed them to process their emotions and keep them under control.

I always somewhat resisted the idea that a feeling is automatically valid just because it exists. I grew up hearing phrases such as "I'm sorry, but that's just the way I feel" and that the feeling is all-important, even if someone doesn't know why or how they came to that feeling. They may not even want to know or even care, which seems to be a barrier to problem-solving and conflict resolution.

For men, anger is one emotion that "real men" can still express openly, but they still may not be able to understand why they're angry or articulate it in rational, coherent terms.

I always thought Kipling's "If" was the definitive guide.

 

[ChristineM]

There's also this one:

I rather like this one

Quite a covered blues song

 

[Stevicus]

Mulan of course! Circa 1998.

The Disney movie Mulan (after the Chinese legend of Hua Mulan). The song gets a short reprise at the climax of the movie, in an interesting twist on the first scene:

I heartily recommend the movie, by the way; it's fun and colorful and, while remaining mostly a lighthearted action-comedy, does have some points to make re: gender roles. Just don't watch the most recent remake, which is, in my humble opinion, a travesty of both the original material and the original Disney movie, and not the fun kind of travesty.

I'll check it out. I must have missed it back in 1998, although there were quite a few movies I did see that year.

 

[The Hammer]

What qualities of traditional masculinity are worth ‘keeping’? Why?

Which ones are worth letting go of? Why?

What kinds of things should men be able to discuss openly without judgment?

What kind of behaviors should men be allowed to engage in without judgment?

What feelings should men be able to feel and show without judgment?

A few positives: Courage, Honor, Respect for others, Protecting ones loved ones.

A few negatives: Machoism, Violence, misogyny.

They should be able to discuss anything, and engage in whatever behaviours are acceptable for the given situation.

Feelings. This old trope? They should be able to feel whatever it is they are feeling right then. The trick is knowing how to appropriately deal with those emotions.

 

[Mock Turtle]

Oh well, why not this too.