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How to be a better conservative

Discussion in 'Games / Pics / Jokes / Stories' started by sun rise, Feb 26, 2020.

  1. sun rise

    sun rise "Let there be peace and love among all"
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    Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A #1: Two, one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

    A #2: None, they only screw the poor

    Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

    A #1: One, after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the
    previous bulb.

    A #2: Four, one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot better.

    Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.

    Q: How many members of the Trump Administration does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Ten...
    1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed
    2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed
    3. One to blame Obama for burning out the light bulb
    4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either "for" changing the light bulb or "for" darkness
    5. Trump to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to a Trump friend for the new light bulb
    6. One to arrange a photograph of Trump , dressed as an emperor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: "Light Bulb Change Accomplished"
    7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Trump was literally in the dark
    8. One to viciously smear #7
    9. Trump to campaign on TV and at rallies on how Trump has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along
    10. One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
    11. One to tell Trump he's the best light bulb changer ever.
    12. Trump to TWEET ABOUT HOW HE'S THE BEST EVER LIGHT BULB CHANGER.

    Security Check Required for many many more
     
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  2. Harel13

    Harel13 Well-Known Member

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    I do feel like a better conservative now. Thanks.
     
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  3. Revoltingest

    Revoltingest I am the one who naps.
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    The socialist jokes were so much better.

    What was the conservative's answer to question #3 on his Biology test?
    "Jesus"
     
    #3 Revoltingest, Feb 26, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2020
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  4. shmogie

    shmogie Well-Known Member
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    How many liberals does it take to to appear mentally challenged? Obviously, just one.

    How many liberals does it take to suck the taxpayer dry, all of them,
     
  5. Guitar's Cry

    Guitar's Cry Verisimilitudinous

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    What is a conservative's favorite ingredient for wine?

    Sour grapes.
     
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  6. Guitar's Cry

    Guitar's Cry Verisimilitudinous

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    Isn't that also the answer on the Sex Ed test?
     
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  7. beenherebeforeagain

    beenherebeforeagain Rogue Animist
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    Ewww!
     
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  8. Daemon Sophic

    Daemon Sophic Avatar in flux

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    Step 1. Get a really thin skin that allows you to be triggered by just about anything.

    2. Recognize (loudly) that America was founded as a Christian theocracy, and remains so to this day.

    3. Lament ad nauseum the loss of the “good ‘ol days” when white men ruled without question; women were barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen; and blacks were safe and comfortable on their owners’ plantations.

    4. Deny reality. Deny science, statistics, economic studies, the history of warfare, sociology.....prit much anything but the rules of American football.

    5. Shout down any and all opposition to your “thoughts”, using juvenile meme catch-phrases about unconstitutionality, nazism=atheism=communism, unpatriotic snowflakes, etc....

    6. Ignore any and all facts that centrists or liberals (your enemies) may raise.

    7. Whenever you do something illegal and/or immoral, claim that liberals are always doing it, but you’re not.

    8. Find a male white elitist autocrat, and support him without question. And when he takes your money to gives it to his elitist rich friends, know in your heart that they are making America better.

    9. Hate an entire group of people (your choice) for no reason, and be ready to bring your guns to a rally against them. (be sure to say the rally is for your group and not against their group). ;)

    and 10. When in doubt, don’t retreat! Reload.....at Fox News, listening to Rush Limbaugh, Info Wars, or almost any political memes website; and KNOW that GOD (the real Christian God) blesses America, and America alone.
     
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  9. shunyadragon

    shunyadragon shunyadragon
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    First one must deny the light bulb exists.

    The humor aside, I am from a moderate conservative Republican Family with my uncle a congressman. There is no place in the Republican party for any of us, except my racist brother in-law.
     
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  10. Revoltingest

    Revoltingest I am the one who naps.
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    Yes, for question #1.
    But it's "Satan" for #2, #3, & #5.
     
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  11. Audie

    Audie Veteran Member

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    Humour with a light touch.
     
  12. Stevicus

    Stevicus Veteran Member
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    Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
    A2: None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen.
    A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
    A4: None. There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place.
    A5: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!
    A6: None; they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.
     
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  13. shunyadragon

    shunyadragon shunyadragon
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    How many Conservatives does it take to appear mentally ? Obviously ALL of them.

    How many conservatives does it take to suck the taxpayer dry?

    The wealthy Republicans suck all the rest dry both Republicans and Democrats.
     
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  14. We Never Know

    We Never Know Well-Known Member

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    I can tell you're a liberal. You say the answer is ten but give twelve answers because you really aren't sure :)
     
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  15. sun rise

    sun rise "Let there be peace and love among all"
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    Conservatives are the gift that keeps on giving opportunities for humor.
     
  16. We Never Know

    We Never Know Well-Known Member

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    Did you not say the answer is ten then gave twelve answers? I rest my case.

    "Q: How many members of the Trump Administration does it take to screw in a light bulb?

    A: Ten...
    1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed
    2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed
    3. One to blame Obama for burning out the light bulb
    4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either "for" changing the light bulb or "for" darkness
    5. Trump to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to a Trump friend for the new light bulb
    6. One to arrange a photograph of Trump , dressed as an emperor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: "Light Bulb Change Accomplished"
    7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Trump was literally in the dark
    8. One to viciously smear #7
    9. Trump to campaign on TV and at rallies on how Trump has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along
    10. One to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
    11. One to tell Trump he's the best light bulb changer ever.
    12. Trump to TWEET ABOUT HOW HE'S THE BEST EVER LIGHT BULB CHANGER."
     
  17. Heyo

    Heyo Well-Known Member

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    Those are ten. Count them. (Trump is referred three times but there is only one Trump.)
     
  18. We Never Know

    We Never Know Well-Known Member

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    Is that the way a liberal counts? :)
     
  19. sun rise

    sun rise "Let there be peace and love among all"
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    The jury exonerates me from your charge.
     
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  20. Heyo

    Heyo Well-Known Member

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    Yep. One person one count. No extras just because you are in the news more often.
     
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