The Sum of Awe
Brought to you by the moment that spacetime began.
I had fallen in love for the first time in December 2021. It was my first love, and it was unrequited. But, I hold onto the belief that maybe love will find me in the future.
I stopped trying to rush it. I'm just living my life the way I want to until I run into that person some day. No more dating apps or ideas of starting a part-time job or going to meetup groups when I really don't want to. I have faith that love can find me again; I am doing outgoing things I enjoy (Starbucks, going to work, mall shopping, bike riding) who knows if I may run into someone doing these hobbies.
In the meantime I'm just enjoying my life while being mindful of my future self. The questions I often consider day to day are; "Where would I like to be in the future?" and "How do I behave to not regret my life when I die?" - These are challenging questions, because they force me to find a means to be comfortable in the moment while building a better future for myself. That means having hobbies that are healthy and productive (art (writing), exercise, learning about topics I'm interested in, going to diners or cafes)
Whether love will come into my life or not, it's impossible to say. But my social skills have been improving, I've made a few friends at work that I've gotten much more comfortable around and I feel like my social anxiety has been 90% gone these last two/three weeks.
All of these things, becoming a completely different person from who I used to be: pill-addict, depressed, selfish, antisocial, rude, extremely anxious... It has all been based on this proverbial carrot on a stick that I have no proof even exists in the future. But I also found it good to not have expectations, which is why I have writing as a second goal.
And you may think this may sound unhealthy, because what if neither goal is reached and I wasted all this time doing productive things instead of just staying in my comfort/relaxed bubble all the time? It doesn't matter, it hasn't been a waste of time, I've learned to enjoy these things much better than getting buzzed all the time, sitting around watching youtube videos, eating unhealthy.
I've ran into doubt many times, it made me feel completely hopeless for the future, but the thing about faith is: you hold onto it, no matter what, and every time you have doubt and pull yourself out of it with faith your faith becomes stronger. I like to think of it as doing a push-up: it's a struggle but it makes you stronger.
And over time, my faith turned into contentment and acceptance, while the inertia of my healthy habits continue to prevail in my daily routines. (of course with periods of relaxing, that's a must)
I stopped trying to rush it. I'm just living my life the way I want to until I run into that person some day. No more dating apps or ideas of starting a part-time job or going to meetup groups when I really don't want to. I have faith that love can find me again; I am doing outgoing things I enjoy (Starbucks, going to work, mall shopping, bike riding) who knows if I may run into someone doing these hobbies.
In the meantime I'm just enjoying my life while being mindful of my future self. The questions I often consider day to day are; "Where would I like to be in the future?" and "How do I behave to not regret my life when I die?" - These are challenging questions, because they force me to find a means to be comfortable in the moment while building a better future for myself. That means having hobbies that are healthy and productive (art (writing), exercise, learning about topics I'm interested in, going to diners or cafes)
Whether love will come into my life or not, it's impossible to say. But my social skills have been improving, I've made a few friends at work that I've gotten much more comfortable around and I feel like my social anxiety has been 90% gone these last two/three weeks.
All of these things, becoming a completely different person from who I used to be: pill-addict, depressed, selfish, antisocial, rude, extremely anxious... It has all been based on this proverbial carrot on a stick that I have no proof even exists in the future. But I also found it good to not have expectations, which is why I have writing as a second goal.
And you may think this may sound unhealthy, because what if neither goal is reached and I wasted all this time doing productive things instead of just staying in my comfort/relaxed bubble all the time? It doesn't matter, it hasn't been a waste of time, I've learned to enjoy these things much better than getting buzzed all the time, sitting around watching youtube videos, eating unhealthy.
I've ran into doubt many times, it made me feel completely hopeless for the future, but the thing about faith is: you hold onto it, no matter what, and every time you have doubt and pull yourself out of it with faith your faith becomes stronger. I like to think of it as doing a push-up: it's a struggle but it makes you stronger.
And over time, my faith turned into contentment and acceptance, while the inertia of my healthy habits continue to prevail in my daily routines. (of course with periods of relaxing, that's a must)