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How do you get rid of hatred for someone and forgive them?

Discussion in 'Hinduism DIR' started by Thorbjorn, Nov 1, 2011.

  1. Thorbjorn

    Thorbjorn Vikingr vald eda matnadr!!! Staff Member Premium Member

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    Ásatrú
    I'm wrestling with this (I definitely need to increase my Valium dosage). I have a sister-in-law whom I absolutely detest and despise because of her actions. I try to see God in her and everyone, but it is her material self I hate with such an unbridled passion, I actually wish her dead. It is for the selfish reason that she would finally be out of my life.

    For over 15 years being with my partner, his sister has caused one problem after another. The latest was calling Social Services on my partner and me and falsely accusing us of mistreating and neglecting their mother (who was ill and lived with us, being a co-owner), and defrauding her of her money. Funny, it is I who supported the house for the past 8 years, paying out over $265,000 to support us. The old lady only had a $910 Social Security check. Without me, she would have lost the house and been in a nursing home several years ago.

    So the s-i-l takes her mother to live with her, transfers insurance beneficiary, power-of-attorney, bank account, and Social Security to her address, claiming her mother said she couldn't trust us. She's all about getting money, and is a consummate liar. She even wanted to cheapen the funeral so there would be more insurance money left over for her.

    But in the 8 years we lived in the house, my m-i-l was fed, clothed and cared for, in her own home. Since her daughter took her to live with her in June, the mother has been in and out of the hospital due to infections, going on a hunger strike, and seeing quack doctors who said her diabetes was cured, no need to take her medicine. The daughter refused to let her mother speak to my partner, which upset him greatly.

    My m-i-l died on Sunday. Now we have the viewings and funeral to deal with. I have no intention of even looking at my s-i-l. I don't talk to dead people, and she is dead to me. She went one step too far in accusing us as she did. To me that was unforgiveable.

    Now, why am I saying all this here? Because I do not know how to get past my hatred for this creature and find it in my being to ever forgive her. After the funeral I have no intention of ever seeing her again. While she will inherit part of the house, I will threaten a lien on her portion for the amount of money I put out to support her mother. She could never repay me. But it's the only way I can stop this greedy @#$*%&! in her tracks and be done with her.

    My hatred for her is consuming me and turning me into something I don't like. I can barely look my images of Krishna in the eye during prayers knowing what a hypocrite I am. I've prayed to Maa Kali and Maa Durga to remove the negative energy; I have their icons in various places (including on the window of the house door).

    This is totally adharmic of me, but I don't know how to let it go. I talk to my therapist about it, but it's as if I need this hatred. God, I hate myself for it.
     
  2. Antiochian

    Antiochian Seeker

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    355
    I don't know if a response from a non-Hindu will help you, but I know about hatred. I have spent over a decade hating my mom's brother who sold drugs while living with my grandmother, emotionally and physically abused my grandmother until she had a stroke and had to go to a home, and threatened to kill my mother and other relatives.

    Grandmother's been dead 8 years now, and I haven't seen the uncle for several years, but I still get furious when I think about the pain he caused so many.

    People say that what goes around comes around. Or basically, karma will get them. Last time I heard anything about this uncle, he was diagnosed with lung disease from smoking. I'd like to think that people reap what they sow in the end, and it may take years, but all bills eventually come due. I think evil has a way of coming back to those who send it out. At least, that's how I make sense of the bad things in life and the bad people.

    I don't know if that helps. Your m-i-l was lucky to have you and her son. Lots of old people have no one.
     
  3. Vinayaka

    Vinayaka devotee

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    14,527
    This may sound harsh, but: Find a nice picture of her, put it on the altar beside Krishna, and place a flower there every day, just as you do with Krishna. The Hindu path is one of love. She is a daughter of Krishna.
     
    Wannabe Yogi likes this.
  4. Thorbjorn

    Thorbjorn Vikingr vald eda matnadr!!! Staff Member Premium Member

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    Thanks.

    My sister also told me the wheel turns, her version of "Instant Karma's Gonna Get You". And I know that. It's not my place to adjudicate karma or judgment. I know karma will get this woman.

    I wish I could get rid of the hatred, let it go and forgive her. Not necessarily ever have contact with her, but to just let it go. Maybe I'm not praying enough for the help.
     
  5. Thorbjorn

    Thorbjorn Vikingr vald eda matnadr!!! Staff Member Premium Member

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    No, it's not harsh. As I said, I do know that Krishna is within her too. Hatred is as much himsa as physical hurt. It harms the hater and the hated. I won't lie and say your suggestion will be an easy one, but it may be the right one.
     
  6. Me Myself

    Me Myself Back to my username

    Messages:
    18,748
    Dead might be too much. Tell Krishna to play a life-changing prank to her :D You deserve to laugh at her after so much frowning at her ;)

    Many blessings in your practise, and may it bare very good fruit! :namaste
     
  7. Thorbjorn

    Thorbjorn Vikingr vald eda matnadr!!! Staff Member Premium Member

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    The dead part is definitely from selfish motives, that I won't deny. I wouldn't laugh at it, though. In a way I actually pity her. I know what punishments probably await me, and I deserve them, but I don't she think has any concept of it. And more's the pity.

    I really wish she would have some life altering experience that makes her see the light. Maybe I don't really hate her the way I'm saying; I just hate what she does and why.

    Thank you. ;)
     
  8. Thorbjorn

    Thorbjorn Vikingr vald eda matnadr!!! Staff Member Premium Member

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    Turning it over in my head, I've come to the conclusion that I have to start letting it go, or it will consume me. Moreover, how can I expect to be forgiven my sins by whatever karma there is if I refuse to do the same?

    Ignoring or snubbing her would say more about me than it would about her. I have more class than that. Now, there won't be any deep tongue kisses :no: :facepalm: maybe just an air kiss and an "I'm sorry about Mom".

    I have to spend more time praying for the strength to overcome this. Though I cannot forget it, because "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it".
     
  9. Marble

    Marble Rolling Marble

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    1,973
    Perhaps you can find a symbol for your hatred (such as a deep red flower, a flame, or whatever) and mentally offer it to the feet of you Ishtadevata in Mediatation?
    When you do puja and if your symbol is one that can me found in material world (red flower for instance) you could also offer it at the end of your puja saying "My Lord! For you, god and bad, love and hate are equal. I offer you thos feeling. Please take it, I don't want it anymore.".
    Than you lay the symbol for your hate down at the picture of your Ishtadevata.
     
  10. Kilgore Trout

    Kilgore Trout Misanthropic Humanist

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    22,701
    Forgive me for not being a Hindu and posting here. However, people need to realize that forgiveness is for one's self, not for the other person. Holding on to grudges or negative feelings only hurts yourself. Additionally, you need to see that people who do such things, generally can't help themselves, or don't think about what they do. Looking at it this way, it's like being mad at the mountain for having a landslide, or being mad at the river for flooding. It serves no purpose to harbor blame or negative feelings about something that just is, and these feelings only harm yourself. When you see forgiveness in this light, I find it becomes a much easier, and natural thing to do.
     
    Wannabe Yogi likes this.
  11. kaisersose

    kaisersose New Member

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    686
    Hatred is a natural emotion. Regardless of what religious books may say, a conscious attempt to cut hatred down is working against nature and is unlikely to truly succeed. I hate pedophiles, terrorists, etc., and I do not see anything wrong with it.

    It may help to try and minimize associating with this person and avoid thought and discussion on her. As long as she is not on your mind, there is no hatred.
     
  12. Thorbjorn

    Thorbjorn Vikingr vald eda matnadr!!! Staff Member Premium Member

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    Very good idea. I've heard of acts like that. One is to write what you feel on paper, then burn the paper. I don't know what tradition that is. But I know that for us fire is sacred and not to be used for destruction, but for enlightenment. So, offering the flame is a good way to achieve it. Or the flower... when it is dried, I'd offer it back to Nature and with it go the ill feelings.
     
  13. Thorbjorn

    Thorbjorn Vikingr vald eda matnadr!!! Staff Member Premium Member

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    I have no problem with your post, and in fact I appreciate it.

    I agree with everything you say. It's easy to know this intellectually; it's the emotional part that's hard to control. True, you don't curse the river when it floods your land and destroys your harvest.

    The irony is that I tell other people who have a particular problem "it is what it is" or "people use the tools they have to work with". Would that I took my own advice.
     
  14. Thorbjorn

    Thorbjorn Vikingr vald eda matnadr!!! Staff Member Premium Member

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    That's a solution right there that I'm striving for. Someone told me that she takes up too much room in my mind, and this is not worth it.
     
  15. ratikala

    ratikala Istha gosthi

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    Religion:
    Sanatana Dharma
    dear touched by the lord ,

    I am sorry to hear your sad situation ,

    a few sugestions which might help ,

    firstly remember krsnas words ,

    bhagavad gita ch ..12 v ..17

    one who neither rejoices nor greives , who neither laments nor desires , and who renounces both auspicious and inauspicious things ....such a devote is very dear to me .

    sit somewhere quiet , maybe with your deitys , and reflect on this verse ,

    (are you familiar with breathing meditation ? ) ..simply by observing , concentrate on the rising and falling of the breath , letting go of all thoughts and distractions a they arrise ,and returning again to the focus on the breath ... when you feel you have reached a level of calm gently raise your hands in to the position of salutation for prayer :namaste still with your head and eyes lowered , still concentrating on your breath , imagine with your in breath receiving krsna's grace and mercy , his kindness and his love , and on the out breath allow all tension and concerns to ebb away , all negativity all anger , let it go , breath in krsna's blessings , breath out all tensions , reflect on this as long as you feel that you need ... when you have finnished and you wish to raise your head from meditation look first to the feet of your lord , offer to his feet a flower , reflecting again on his mercy ... then with a mind of thanks and gratitude offer incence , circleing first to the feet (4 times) , to the waist (3 times) , then circleing around the full figure (7 times) , then after krsna , offer to all deitys on your shrine , bowing your head between each receiving allso their blessings . when you have offered to all present turning clockwise into the room gently circle the incence into the air , immagining that you are now offering the darshan of the lord (his mercy and blessings)to all the people in all directions .... as you turn think of the people as you pass the direction in which they reside , as you follow this procedure keep a mind of evenness , of equanimity , allowing the lord to deal with that which you cannot .

    sit again for a short while reflecting on what buddhists call metta (loving kindness) asking the lord to grant blessings to even the most troubled and troublesome people , as they realy need it , this will help you ballance your mind and to let go of the negative aspects of this situation , and will help you remain calm and to be free of anxiety and better equiped to support your partner through this difficult time .

    wishing you well ,

    jai sri krsna :namaste ....ratikala
     
  16. Thorbjorn

    Thorbjorn Vikingr vald eda matnadr!!! Staff Member Premium Member

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    Thank you. :namaste

    I have a copy of 12.13-15 printed and framed. I love those verses. :)

    I don't have breathing meditation established a routine, but it's something Iknow I have to start. I'm just getting used to a regular breathing pattern doing japa, which I am ashamed to say is not as regular as I would like.

    The good news however, is that we seem to have buried the hatchet, at least a few inches deep. )( At my m-i-l's viewings today we were cordial, even friendly. I did go to my s-i-l, kiss her and say "I'm sorry about Mom". She turned around and said "I know you guys took good care of her". Tomorrow (later today? I have to get to bed :facepalm:) is the funeral. I will be one of the pallbearers, as I was for my f-i-l. They asked me if I could do it because of my back (surgery last December). I said yes, of course I would do it.
     
  17. Thorbjorn

    Thorbjorn Vikingr vald eda matnadr!!! Staff Member Premium Member

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    It's over, the funeral that is. I was indeed a pallbearer. It was a Catholic Mass, so of course I just stood on the sidelines, mute, but mentally reciting some of our prayers. I said the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra a few times for her, though I did it in English; I haven't memorized it in Sanskrit yet. I took a couple of the flowers, offered them to Lord Krishna and put them in my shrine. With that, I hope the animosities and this story have come to an end.
     
  18. waitasec

    waitasec New Member

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    21,014
    i agree with kilgore...
    if one does not choose to forgive they keep an open wound and never heal from it.


    if you don't mind my 2 cents either...
    :)
     
  19. Thorbjorn

    Thorbjorn Vikingr vald eda matnadr!!! Staff Member Premium Member

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    No, I don't mind at all. I'm learning that hatred poisons you from the inside out.
     
  20. indian_buddhist

    indian_buddhist New Member

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    I am not a Hindu so i dont know if I should be replying to you.......But I have been through this before......

    Hatred is a very powerful emotion and it is indeed the most powerful to overcome. I generally feel Greed and Delusion can be conquered but Hatred is a tough enemy.
    In my personal life, I too had a problem with my Sister-in-law(Brothers wife) and had a lot of hatred for her.........

    I am just giving which I exactly did to try to overcome Hatred:

    1. There is a concept in Buddhism(Anatta - No-soul). At a very larger scale it generally means you dont exist at all. In a minor scale it means you have No soul. (Unlike the Hindu permanent soul concept).......With this concept in mind I got a very large amount of relief and it reduced my anger by 30%..........Knowing that I as a permaneny entity dont really exist meant that I could tolerate insults that much more.....I compared this with when I was a Hindu and I used to get angry for even small amounts of insults...........In fact my parents too noticed this that since I converted to Buddhism I have become much more quiet and peaceful.

    2. After doing meditation I came to a conclusion is that when we Hate others even though others are actually harming you.......It is due to your own inner weakness or inner fault that you start hating others........Its like if the Seed inside the fruit is spoiled then automatically the fruit also will be spoiled.......So if you have some inner apprehensions or weakness or anxiety that causes hatred to build inside you......Try to find out what that inner weakness is within you........

    3. In Buddhist philosophy, having Hatred directly leads to birth in realms of Hell.......Once I understood this.......I tried to control my hatred since I knew that the consequences of this would be very bad.

    4. As a Buddhist (though I was a Hindu before I converted), we dont believe in GOD. So Krishna, durga, maa kali or whatever is not going to help you to remove this hatred in the long run or even the short term........What will certainly help you is if you use your own Reason and Intelligence to come out of it..........How it should be done is simple..........Sit in a quiet room with absolutely no sound and ponder about the Hatred ........Ponder as to why you have the Hatred........Ponder as to what is the root of the Hatred.......Ponder over if the Hatred is really affecting you personally.........Ponder over if the Hatred is harming you in the short term(destroying ur mind) and in the long term(birth in realms of hell)........

    As Buddha said.......You urself is the Master........Noone (including God) can help you.

    I am just giving u what I went through and it may help you.

    thanks
     
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2011
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