Gaura Priya
IRL
Okay, so I'll bite the dust.
As you all have known, I have been a Vaishnava for some years now. Although I have wavered from time to time, I have been mainly active. I left my entire family's value system (aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents, siblings, cousins, etc.) and religious culture (Christianity), internalised since four generations, to convert to Hinduism.
As you all may have or not have known, I also am a woman with transsexual history. I keep this part private since it is a part of my psychological and medical history from birth to now, and many people are prejudiced with 'true transsexuals'.
When I converted, I became quickly active back then in my old self. I learned how to wear temple clothes, began chanting 16 to 20 rounds every day for years. I followed the four regulations of spiritual life very quickly: no meat eating (to follow daya, or compassion), no gambling (to follow satyam, or truth), no illicit sex (to follow tapah, or self-discipline), and no intoxication (to follow shaucham, or cleanliness). I did puja at home every day, and committed to reading Vaishnava Scripture every day.
I also was very active at my local Vaishnava temple. I helped volunteer with preaching activities: going out on the streets a few times a month to sing God's names, distributed books about Krishna, and talked to strangers about Krishna. I also distributed flyers, brochures, and temple invites. I helped washing temple dishes, helped the elders close by, by bringing them temple prasadam, walking them to temple, etc. I did service once a week in the pujari room polishing the silver for the altar Deities, went to Sunday feast regularly and accomodated guests and visitors there, participated in home programs, attended classes and workshops (and listened to everyone on the vyasasana), aspired for gurus, volunteered time for festivals and other preaching activities. I helped serve prasadam for lunch hours at temple, and did other services such as cleaning and tidying.
Maintaining my sadhana and seva was a balancing act for me. Then I found out about my past medical history, had a psychological assessment, and got myself medical care two years ago, so I could continue with stri-dharma. The temple council, who I tried to talk to, did not allow me allotted time, even when I created a compilation of Vedic references to my transsexuality and distributed them to the temple presidents.
I certainly am NOT a hijra, and I intended to follow stri-dharma as I could. But I heard from another devotee that they rather laughed at my plight, and I've had a guru (Sankarshan das Adhikari) tell me that a), I would never go back to God, b) I should never take a guru because I will drag him down through samsara, and c) I could even be born in a lower species of life. During class, even this same guru would mention my plight in public, and then demonise it in front of other devotees! I felt humiliated, and cried, and did not associate for a while.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Skip into the present, I celebrated Sri Chaitanya's Appearance Day (or Gaura-Purnima) just last week, which is one of the most auspicious days of the year for us, and considered the new year for all Gaudiya Vaishnavas. I haven't been attending temple regularly, but at this particular festival, I've had half the local congregation pass by me or look briefly at me and completely ignore me, or look away. They would in discomfort say hi, or 'Hare Krishna!' and then either move away, or merely glance away from me.
I certainly hope I didn't look horrid, but I was appalled by this very un-Vaishnava behaviour. Although some devotees (actually many) still talk to me, a good many do not, and I can see in their eyes a sense of disgust. What hit me the most was that they were looking at me, not because of my sadhana, or my spiritual life, or how I was such a dedicated devotee (yes, that's my ahamkara talking!), but rather because of my body.
I have been told by some devotees to be transcendental above this matter, and that there will always be people who will accept me and not accept me. But it is very hurtful sometimes to come for darshan, and then have some people who used to associate with you regularly suddenly stop talking to you. I should go to temple just for Krishna to see me, but sangha is an INTEGRAL part of the Vaishnava religion! How can we be told that we constantly need the mercy of the other Vaishnavas, when they themselves chose to not associate with me? I gave my heart and soul to my local community, and they literally turn their backs to me.
I wish that there was another Vaishnava temple in my locality, but unfortunately there are none. I wish I could just be transcendental to such mundanities, and go without hesitation. But it disheartens me and I haven't really done much sadhana lately. I just feel hurt, and I do not know what to do. Am I being selfish by assuming that everyone is going to like me?
Sometimes I feel that maybe I was better off in the religion of my family - they have been very accepting of me, especially my very religious grandmother, and I have seriously been thinking of reconverting. My boyfriend suggests that I convert to Unitarian Universalism. At the heart of the matter, I just do not know anymore.
Practicing Vaishnavism is best done communally, but where can I seek refuge except through Krishna?
As you all have known, I have been a Vaishnava for some years now. Although I have wavered from time to time, I have been mainly active. I left my entire family's value system (aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents, siblings, cousins, etc.) and religious culture (Christianity), internalised since four generations, to convert to Hinduism.
As you all may have or not have known, I also am a woman with transsexual history. I keep this part private since it is a part of my psychological and medical history from birth to now, and many people are prejudiced with 'true transsexuals'.
When I converted, I became quickly active back then in my old self. I learned how to wear temple clothes, began chanting 16 to 20 rounds every day for years. I followed the four regulations of spiritual life very quickly: no meat eating (to follow daya, or compassion), no gambling (to follow satyam, or truth), no illicit sex (to follow tapah, or self-discipline), and no intoxication (to follow shaucham, or cleanliness). I did puja at home every day, and committed to reading Vaishnava Scripture every day.
I also was very active at my local Vaishnava temple. I helped volunteer with preaching activities: going out on the streets a few times a month to sing God's names, distributed books about Krishna, and talked to strangers about Krishna. I also distributed flyers, brochures, and temple invites. I helped washing temple dishes, helped the elders close by, by bringing them temple prasadam, walking them to temple, etc. I did service once a week in the pujari room polishing the silver for the altar Deities, went to Sunday feast regularly and accomodated guests and visitors there, participated in home programs, attended classes and workshops (and listened to everyone on the vyasasana), aspired for gurus, volunteered time for festivals and other preaching activities. I helped serve prasadam for lunch hours at temple, and did other services such as cleaning and tidying.
Maintaining my sadhana and seva was a balancing act for me. Then I found out about my past medical history, had a psychological assessment, and got myself medical care two years ago, so I could continue with stri-dharma. The temple council, who I tried to talk to, did not allow me allotted time, even when I created a compilation of Vedic references to my transsexuality and distributed them to the temple presidents.
I certainly am NOT a hijra, and I intended to follow stri-dharma as I could. But I heard from another devotee that they rather laughed at my plight, and I've had a guru (Sankarshan das Adhikari) tell me that a), I would never go back to God, b) I should never take a guru because I will drag him down through samsara, and c) I could even be born in a lower species of life. During class, even this same guru would mention my plight in public, and then demonise it in front of other devotees! I felt humiliated, and cried, and did not associate for a while.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Skip into the present, I celebrated Sri Chaitanya's Appearance Day (or Gaura-Purnima) just last week, which is one of the most auspicious days of the year for us, and considered the new year for all Gaudiya Vaishnavas. I haven't been attending temple regularly, but at this particular festival, I've had half the local congregation pass by me or look briefly at me and completely ignore me, or look away. They would in discomfort say hi, or 'Hare Krishna!' and then either move away, or merely glance away from me.
I certainly hope I didn't look horrid, but I was appalled by this very un-Vaishnava behaviour. Although some devotees (actually many) still talk to me, a good many do not, and I can see in their eyes a sense of disgust. What hit me the most was that they were looking at me, not because of my sadhana, or my spiritual life, or how I was such a dedicated devotee (yes, that's my ahamkara talking!), but rather because of my body.
I have been told by some devotees to be transcendental above this matter, and that there will always be people who will accept me and not accept me. But it is very hurtful sometimes to come for darshan, and then have some people who used to associate with you regularly suddenly stop talking to you. I should go to temple just for Krishna to see me, but sangha is an INTEGRAL part of the Vaishnava religion! How can we be told that we constantly need the mercy of the other Vaishnavas, when they themselves chose to not associate with me? I gave my heart and soul to my local community, and they literally turn their backs to me.
I wish that there was another Vaishnava temple in my locality, but unfortunately there are none. I wish I could just be transcendental to such mundanities, and go without hesitation. But it disheartens me and I haven't really done much sadhana lately. I just feel hurt, and I do not know what to do. Am I being selfish by assuming that everyone is going to like me?
Sometimes I feel that maybe I was better off in the religion of my family - they have been very accepting of me, especially my very religious grandmother, and I have seriously been thinking of reconverting. My boyfriend suggests that I convert to Unitarian Universalism. At the heart of the matter, I just do not know anymore.
Practicing Vaishnavism is best done communally, but where can I seek refuge except through Krishna?
