... Helps Those Who Can't Help Themselves

[SalixIncendium]

I have a friend and coworker who is an addict.

She is great at what she does, is very smart, but is hindered by her addiction brought forth by lack of self-worth and depression.

Her parents are both dead, and she lost her sister to an overdose. She has a living brother, who, by my assessment, as all but disowned her as a result of her addiction. She has a 6 year old son who is currently living with her ex-mother-in-law who admires her and wants to be a part of her life.

She still struggles with her depression and her lacking sense of worth, and I find myself often offering her more aid than she is willing to lend herself.

She spent a year sober, relapsed in the last month, has detoxed, and is currently clean, but shows signs of relapsing again for the same reasons as above.

As much as I want to help her (and I find myself predisposed to doing so), I find myself torn between responsibility for her well-being and responsibility to self. I don't want to fail her, as am not sure how I'd handle finding out that she was dead as a result of an OD, but I feel that I risk sacrificing self should I continue my obsession with making sure she's okay.

I'm looking for a moral compass here. What are your thoughts?

 

[Sunstone]

Some of my thoughts about your situation, Scott, are very personal, so I'll PM you with those. But I feel comfortable publicly telling you that I admire your deep concern for her. Not many people would care so much about an addict.

 

[Sunstone]

One thing I do know is that for anyone in her position to pull herself up almost always takes a small community, a support group of at least six or so people. It's nearly impossible to really, permanently, and decisively get out of such situations alone.

So think about putting together such a group for her, if she doesn't already have the best one she can have. And include some professionals. Like both a therapist and a psychiatrist, if you can.

 

[SalixIncendium]

Thanks, Phil. I look forward to your PM.

She is currently in group and attending meetings, but she tends to share with me what's going on in her head, probably out of trust and due to her abandonment issues.

So she is getting help, but I find myself concerned about what's in her head due to previous experience.

 

[Infinitum]

I've been in similar situations as yours many times and as much as I hate to say it, that fear and responsibility can very easily consume you and destroy the relationship you have. Which is not to say you shouldn't care, only that you need to understand where your personal limits lie.

Depression is tough, like really tough. Self-worth doesn't come easy, but believe me when I say you being there for her is a big deal. Your friendship alone is immensely valuable, but the real change has to come from her. If she isn't seeing competent mental health professionals already she needs to start to, but in the meantime you can talk to her about dreams of the future, of tangible goals that make the rough road lead somewhere. Hope is an amazing thing, but it's so easy to lose. But hope just might be the best gift you can give to a friend.

Edited to add: when I say mental health professionals, I mean psychotherapy or some other form of intense one on one therapy.

 

[Onyx]

I think detachment is in order here, as you can't really control the situation. That doesn't mean you can't be an encouraging friend, but boundaries must be in effect for any positive change to occur. She needs to understand that you can't fix her problems, and that the best friends in life are the most honest ones. Be supportive, but not subservient to a problem that is not one you can solve.

 

[Buddha Dharma]

I offer for your consideration that doing the right thing is not always easy, but you are doing a good thing by helping her. Especially since she is intensely suffering. At present, she cannot help herself. Helping others that need you is admirable. I know one can make arguments against doing it, but I question how often that's letting oneself off the hook, so to speak. My opinion...

 

[ADigitalArtist]

I have some similar experience with a friend with pretty severe bipolar and some pretty self destructive behavior. I'm not sure there's any easy answers in how best to temper helping others with helping yourself in these severe cases. I hope the best for both of you. If you are into grounding exercises I highly recommend them to help keep your boundaries and emotional energy up.

 

[Mindmaster]

She spent a year sober, relapsed in the last month, has detoxed, and is currently clean, but shows signs of relapsing again for the same reasons as above.

As much as I want to help her (and I find myself predisposed to doing so), I find myself torn between responsibility for her well-being and responsibility to self. I don't want to fail her, as am not sure how I'd handle finding out that she was dead as a result of an OD, but I feel that I risk sacrificing self should I continue my obsession with making sure she's okay.

I'm looking for a moral compass here. What are your thoughts?

She's not going to change her ways unless she wants to, accept that the continued drug use can lead to death or get out of the situation. It's just not good for you, or her. She needs the kind of help that most of us cannot provide - like getting herself into a rehab living arrangement in a remote place so she can't keep taking the drugs because she always has access to them locally. Until she's willing to change and stop relying on the dope to solve her problems, it's just going to be more of the same.

If you can be stronger and not blame yourself for what she is doing you can continue to be a support. You're going to have to make that call yourself, but you have to be the sort that can do your best and ignore the results. If that's not you, then she might just be gaming you for attention when she falls into the relapse and then using the guilt/shame of that to launch herself on another bender. You may be doing more damage than good in that instance. You're just going to have to do the math and make that determination yourself - it's nothing anyone else here can really help you with.

 

[sayak83]

I have a friend and coworker who is an addict.

She is great at what she does, is very smart, but is hindered by her addiction brought forth by lack of self-worth and depression.

Her parents are both dead, and she lost her sister to an overdose. She has a living brother, who, by my assessment, as all but disowned her as a result of her addiction. She has a 6 year old son who is currently living with her ex-mother-in-law who admires her and wants to be a part of her life.

She still struggles with her depression and her lacking sense of worth, and I find myself often offering her more aid than she is willing to lend herself.

She spent a year sober, relapsed in the last month, has detoxed, and is currently clean, but shows signs of relapsing again for the same reasons as above.

As much as I want to help her (and I find myself predisposed to doing so), I find myself torn between responsibility for her well-being and responsibility to self. I don't want to fail her, as am not sure how I'd handle finding out that she was dead as a result of an OD, but I feel that I risk sacrificing self should I continue my obsession with making sure she's okay.

I'm looking for a moral compass here. What are your thoughts?

First, try to adopt an attitude recommended by Gita. Concentrate only on your own proper actions towards your friend and don't worry about whether success or failure accrues from those actions. Your responsibility is for your actions alone, the result is determined by many other karmic factors and will be out of your control.
Second, if you find yourself fearing failure or feeling exhausted in giving too much, do not reject these negative feelings. Instead do as Buddha says. Mediate and mindfully watch as these feelings arise, reflect on the cause of their origin. Watch them grow and then dissolve. Seek out the root cause of these negative feelings, and alter your actions in life to see if their intensity is diminished or not. In all positive and negative feelings, instead of grasping the good and averting the bad, be mindful, watch, reflect, breathe and meditate.
Third. Find a good group that supports you in this endeavor to help your friend. They can lift you up, and warn you if you are in danger of drifting into the negative maelstrom that afflicts her life. If possible, see your friend as a dynamic conglomeration of negative and positive psychological dharmas and tune your own actions and responses so that her negative afflictive dharmas are altered to positive ones by contact with your own action dharmas. Mindfully watch the success or failure of this process and share it with the people who can support you.

Hope this helps.

 

[Sunstone]

Thanks, Phil. I look forward to your PM.

She is currently in group and attending meetings, but she tends to share with me what's going on in her head, probably out of trust and due to her abandonment issues.

So she is getting help, but I find myself concerned about what's in her head due to previous experience.

Dear Scott,

If you can find a way to get her into one on one sessions with an excellent therapist do it. If you can't find a way, keep trying! Then get her to sign a release of information letter authorizing the therapist to talk with you about her case.

If you're really dedicated to this, consider going to her group sessions with her (with her permission of course).

And Sayak gives excellent advice about staying focused on doing what you can do, without concern for the outcome of your actions.

 

[SalixIncendium]

She's not going to change her ways unless she wants to, accept that the continued drug use can lead to death or get out of the situation. It's just not good for you, or her. She needs the kind of help that most of us cannot provide - like getting herself into a rehab living arrangement in a remote place so she can't keep taking the drugs because she always has access to them locally. Until she's willing to change and stop relying on the dope to solve her problems, it's just going to be more of the same.

If you can be stronger and not blame yourself for what she is doing you can continue to be a support. You're going to have to make that call yourself, but you have to be the sort that can do your best and ignore the results. If that's not you, then she might just be gaming you for attention when she falls into the relapse and then using the guilt/shame of that to launch herself on another bender. You may be doing more damage than good in that instance. You're just going to have to do the math and make that determination yourself - it's nothing anyone else here can really help you with.

A bit more background...

She was in rehab and lived in a "halfway house" until she attained a year sobriety. Her relapese occurred while living in a "sober-house." She has sought and continues to receive professional help, but shares with me her thoughts, which lead me to my concern.

I assure you that I do not blame myself for her actions. But I do feel a sense of responsibility as a mentor to keep her on the right path.

 

[Mindmaster]

A bit more background...

She was in rehab and lived in a "halfway house" until she attained a year sobriety. Her relapese occurred while living in a "sober-house." She has sought and continues to receive professional help, but shares with me her thoughts, which lead me to my concern.

I assure you that I do not blame myself for her actions. But I do feel a sense of responsibility as a mentor to keep her on the right path.

She has to determine that emotional reasons why she's doing what she does or the rationality she is putting to it to make it seem like a good option. As far as the current help providers, they're all trash or it would be done, being slightly better than no help but not much better. Most people doing these things actually have serious untreated mental issues and those need to be addressed. The drug use will end up in jail or death, no one wants either of these.

You are not responsible for her, so stop feeling that way. Give the help because it's the right thing to do, but realize it is her choice to accept and utilize that help. Has she been evaluated for mental conditions in the past? Are those medicated? She may feel no need to go to the addictive drugs if her real problems are being handled. I'm just saying ultimately these problems are bigger than you, not that you shouldn't do anything reasonable to assist - just realize she needs 'teams' of support on the psychiatric end not just on the level of kicking the drug habit. The drug habit is just masking something else that is much more of a problem, she needs to know what that is - it is the root cause. Perhaps suggesting that would be the prudent option if it hasn't already been considered. She deserves to have those problems resolved and enjoy her life without the drugs that will get her in trouble.

 

[sun rise]

As much as I want to help her (and I find myself predisposed to doing so), I find myself torn between responsibility for her well-being and responsibility to self. I don't want to fail her, as am not sure how I'd handle finding out that she was dead as a result of an OD, but I feel that I risk sacrificing self should I continue my obsession with making sure she's okay.

I'm looking for a moral compass here. What are your thoughts?

You can't be responsible for her well-being. Only she can do that.

And I wonder if you are too attached to the results based on your use of the word "obsession". That you are asking the questions you did to me is a clue you are giving yourself.

To your question about morality: it's wonderful to be able to help someone by listening. And if someone asks for help to be able to give some help. But there is a line where you've done all you can and you have to be detached about the results and to let go. Only you can decide where that line is for you.

 

[PureX]

I have a friend and coworker who is an addict.

She is great at what she does, is very smart, but is hindered by her addiction brought forth by lack of self-worth and depression.

Her parents are both dead, and she lost her sister to an overdose. She has a living brother, who, by my assessment, as all but disowned her as a result of her addiction. She has a 6 year old son who is currently living with her ex-mother-in-law who admires her and wants to be a part of her life.

She still struggles with her depression and her lacking sense of worth, and I find myself often offering her more aid than she is willing to lend herself.

She spent a year sober, relapsed in the last month, has detoxed, and is currently clean, but shows signs of relapsing again for the same reasons as above.

As much as I want to help her (and I find myself predisposed to doing so), I find myself torn between responsibility for her well-being and responsibility to self. I don't want to fail her, as am not sure how I'd handle finding out that she was dead as a result of an OD, but I feel that I risk sacrificing self should I continue my obsession with making sure she's okay.

I'm looking for a moral compass here. What are your thoughts?

You may find this an odd suggestion, but if you will find an Alanon meeting nearby you, and go to it, you will find other people who also care about alcoholics and addicts, and who are feeling many of the same things that you are feeling. If nothing else, you will find a lot of very valuable information regarding how to deal with addicts and alcoholics without being drawn into their addictive cycles and dramas.

I suggested this to my sister years ago, and to my real surprise, she actually went. And it helped her, immensely! You can't fix the addict, but you can learn how to be supportive without being sucked in and sucked dry by the endless needs of their disease.