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Help! Relatives coming to town.

Vinayaka

devotee
Premium Member
Idea, the only thing I have ever known to work in real life is to keep changing the subject back to non-political topics.
What color to paint the kitchen? Haircuts. Which flowers to plant in the spring.

Any -- any -- conversation with fanatics on any topic they are fanatic about will NEVER end well. You can't win, and they are too fanatic to grasp when they've lost.

In my case, I make a list of topics and keep it in a pocket to refer to just in case their rants make my brain freeze.

EDIT: Forgot to tell you, make the conversations about paint, hair, flowers, etc -- make them about them. Best way to get someone off a political rant is to get them talking about themselves on some non-political topic.
I worked with a grump. Others took her bait, but there was simple strategy to avoid it ... ask about her grandchildren. Thanks for reminding folks of this strategy: make it about them.
 

Revoltingest

Pragmatic Libertarian
Premium Member
Sometimes, when you know no matter what you say, the other person is going to refuse to see your point of view, all you can do it say "I know where you stand, and you know where I stand. We're not going to change each other's minds. Lets talk about something else" and let it lie there.

If you are unable to do this, perhaps you could ask them to stay elsewhere(like a hotel, or another nearby relative's house). Or allow them use of your house(not sure if you're comfortable with this) while you stay elsewhere, and spend time on a limited basis with them while they're in town.



Your above idea works, too. Or a simple "not going there, sorry."

Though I'd be tempted to make fart noises, or a buzzer sound. I do that with the kids, and it makes them laugh. But, if your guest is a hot head, that might make it worse.

Its a shame we can't all giggle at fart noises...
Gourmet cheese soothes the savage.
 

Vee

Well-Known Member
Premium Member
So.... advice? I'm not one to allow others to make snarkey untrue hateful remarks without correcting them. I am very good at keeping a level voice, no emotion - which infuriates them more. (They call me callous for not showing emotion when they attack me).

Ok - go - let's hear the best advice rf has to offer :)

Anxious anticipation :)

I would tell everyone that, as long as we're together, political discussions are banned for the sake of peace and harmony within the family. Actually, make a list of subjects that might cause problems and ban them all. People can talk about other things and get along. Works for my family ;)
 

Left Coast

This Is Water
Staff member
Premium Member
Ok, all you peace-zen-love everyone enlightened people, I need your help finding enlightenment. Remember the George Floyd protests earlier this year? Well, I was 110% in agreement with those who were protesting, am liberal etc. and..... the conservative relatives have invited themselves into our home ... after threatening me and my kids on social media for our political stance. I love their kids, I love them (even the cop), just one in particular I can see fireworks starting up. They are an abuse victim, and tend to go postal on people and are really on the MAGA / cops bandwagon.

So.... advice? I'm not one to allow others to make snarkey untrue hateful remarks without correcting them. I am very good at keeping a level voice, no emotion - which infuriates them more. (They call me callous for not showing emotion when they attack me).

Ok - go - let's hear the best advice rf has to offer :)

Anxious anticipation :)

I sympathize with your situation as one of the minority of lefties in a family of mostly conservative Christians. People have made some very good suggestions, but the one I'd endorse most is just to agree not to touch those topics while you're together.

Another strategy, if you must engage, is to not be completely stoic. Empathize with the emotions behind their views, even if you don't agree with them on the substance. You love them, right? Show them your love. Connecting with them on an emotional level might help build a bridge to open one another's hearts and minds to the perspective of the other.
 

idea

Question Everything
Some really good words of advice everyone, thank you!! Whenever I feel the uglies coming on, I will just re-open this thread to re-center. Thank you so much again.

this strategy: make it about them.

Such a good strategy, yes and yes again.

Gourmet cheese soothes the savage.

I can and will provide food :) double yessss!!

Empathize with the emotions behind their views, even if you don't agree with them on the substance. You love them, right? Show them your love. Connecting with them on an emotional level might help build a bridge to open one another's hearts and minds to the perspective of the other.

Yessss - all you need is love :)

Thank you!!!!
 

Cooky

Veteran Member
Ok, all you peace-zen-love everyone enlightened people, I need your help finding enlightenment. Remember the George Floyd protests earlier this year? Well, I was 110% in agreement with those who were protesting, am liberal etc. and..... the conservative relatives have invited themselves into our home ... after threatening me and my kids on social media for our political stance. I love their kids, I love them (even the cop), just one in particular I can see fireworks starting up. They are an abuse victim, and tend to go postal on people and are really on the MAGA / cops bandwagon.

So.... advice? I'm not one to allow others to make snarkey untrue hateful remarks without correcting them. I am very good at keeping a level voice, no emotion - which infuriates them more. (They call me callous for not showing emotion when they attack me).

Ok - go - let's hear the best advice rf has to offer :)

Anxious anticipation :)

You don't have to be "right"... Nobody has to be "right"...

...Just enjoy each other's spirits aside from politics altogether, even if that means letting them be right. Love is about giving, and giving them a win (should they bring up controversial politics) would be an act of love itself.
 

Vinayaka

devotee
Premium Member
Some really good words of advice everyone, thank you!! Whenever I feel the uglies coming on, I will just re-open this thread to re-center. Thank you so much again.

Such a good strategy, yes and yes again.

I can and will provide food :) double yessss!!

Yessss - all you need is love :)

Thank you!!!!
The other factor we (my wife and I) always kept in mind was that those interactions usually only happened 2 or 3 times a year. it wasn't like we had to interact every day. We're good now. All 4 parents are deceased, and we've had several amiable friendship divorces.
 

idea

Question Everything
Just one more night and then they will be gone. Ugh, really really trying to be positive - it is something else to cook, and clean up after (I ALWAYS help with dishes etc. at others houses??) buy dinner for, buy all the groceries for.... I'm just staying very quiet. It is just one in particular that really really rubs me the wrong way, and they are really really controlling and entitled - refuse to do anything anyone else suggests so.... they just stayed in our house, eating food, playing video games allll day,,, and the next day.... and the next day.... that is their vacation, mooch off relatives. I escaped her screaming at her kids yesterday (really feel badly for those kids) and today with jogging, and long bike rides, so the good news is I'm off to a great start health wise for the new years! Haha. Deep breath - so happy they are almost gone!!! Can't wait to do a full-house de-tox thorough cleaning.
 
Last edited:

Heyo

Veteran Member
Just one more night and then they will be gone. Ugh, really really trying to be positive - it is something else to cook, and clean up after (I ALWAYS help with dishes etc. at others houses??) buy dinner for, buy all the groceries for.... I'm just staying very quiet. It is just one in particular that really really rubs me the wrong way, and they are really really controlling and entitled - refuse to do anything anyone else suggests so.... they just stayed in our house, eating food, playing video games allll day,,, and the next day.... and the next day.... that is their vacation, mooch off relatives. I escaped her screaming at her kids yesterday (really feel badly for those kids) and today with jogging, and long bike rides, so the good news is I'm off to a great start health wise for the new years! Haha. Deep breath - so happy they are almost gone!!! Can't wait to do a full-house de-tox thorough cleaning.
I'm staying with my parents (both well over 80) and they don't like their routines to be broken. After two weeks I am today allowed to cook dinner (and I bet I'll have my mother at my back asking to help).
I do repairs, installed some lights, fixed the computer, that's OK.
 

oldbadger

Skanky Old Mongrel!
Ok, all you peace-zen-love everyone enlightened people, I need your help finding enlightenment. Remember the George Floyd protests earlier this year? Well, I was 110% in agreement with those who were protesting, am liberal etc. and..... the conservative relatives have invited themselves into our home ... after threatening me and my kids on social media for our political stance. I love their kids, I love them (even the cop), just one in particular I can see fireworks starting up. They are an abuse victim, and tend to go postal on people and are really on the MAGA / cops bandwagon.

So.... advice? I'm not one to allow others to make snarkey untrue hateful remarks without correcting them. I am very good at keeping a level voice, no emotion - which infuriates them more. (They call me callous for not showing emotion when they attack me).

Ok - go - let's hear the best advice rf has to offer :)

Anxious anticipation :)

Hi......... I haven't seen this thread before this morning, 2nd Jan. :)

You are probably very family orientated, so I would not presume to advise you about what to do......... but speaking for myself....... :D

For myself, anybody who even slightly looked as if they would bring argument or turmoil in to our home here......... would be asked for a raincheck on any proposed visits.

That's a nice way of saying that they wouldn't get through our front door! That's it!
 

oldbadger

Skanky Old Mongrel!
I'm staying with my parents (both well over 80) and they don't like their routines to be broken. After two weeks I am today allowed to cook dinner (and I bet I'll have my mother at my back asking to help).
I do repairs, installed some lights, fixed the computer, that's OK.

My parents died so long ago that I sometimes forget how strange it could be when staying with them. My Grand parents were even worse! :)
 

idea

Question Everything
That was nice of you, to let 'em in! :D
Oh, maybe most of your guests are polite......... :)

It was just one of them, and unfortunately her family allows her to control and boss everyone. Strange thing, she plays the victim card, and she really did come from an abusive patriarchal family (abused by siblings, girls always ate last, etc.), and now she is doing exactly what her father did - controlling, not listening, yelling at everyone else to cook and clean while she sits on couch doing nothing. The kids cry, and cringe around her, husband shrugs, whispers sorry when she has her mind set no one can change it. It is strange how bad family situations repeat themselves in one way of another generation after generation. Some people smile, ignore - at first you think wow they rose above it! Then you find they smile and rationalize their son being an abuser, have taken the stance of turning a blind eye to escape pain. Some who fight and complain, and first you find them unpleasant, then realize they are doing what is needed. Some who fight have not escaped being a victim, like a dog who barks and attacks everyone. :( Just hope I'm not a horror to my kids.
 

oldbadger

Skanky Old Mongrel!
It was just one of them, and unfortunately her family allows her to control and boss everyone. Strange thing, she plays the victim card, and she really did come from an abusive patriarchal family (abused by siblings, girls always ate last, etc.), and now she is doing exactly what her father did - controlling, not listening, yelling at everyone else to cook and clean while she sits on couch doing nothing. The kids cry, and cringe around her, husband shrugs, whispers sorry when she has her mind set no one can change it. It is strange how bad family situations repeat themselves in one way of another generation after generation. Some people smile, ignore - at first you think wow they rose above it! Then you find they smile and rationalize their son being an abuser, have taken the stance of turning a blind eye to escape pain. Some who fight and complain, and first you find them unpleasant, then realize they are doing what is needed. Some who fight have not escaped being a victim, like a dog who barks and attacks everyone. :( Just hope I'm not a horror to my kids.

Wow...... I suppose that not many families are all completely at peace and together. I hope that you are able to cope with occasional visits from this person.
All the best, :)
OB
 

Subduction Zone

Veteran Member
Lose lose is right, I'm not sure why this last year politics got so ugly between everyone. It will not be me that brings it up, but it is a sore spot with me. My job (teacher) vs. their job (cop). I'm a teacher, work with people who have been unjustly accused, get pulled over more than their fair share, the whole thing was not about Floyd - that was just a catalyst for everything that had been building and building. Judge, jury, and executioner all in one vs. the right to a fair trial. There are good cops, but there are a few who are not so good.... as in any profession there are those who are not so good.

As a cop, they are on the blue lives team.... As someone who went through police busting down doors, causing panic attacks, taking over our school over a car backfiring... Example, I work late, was chatting with an officer after work - they told me how they almost shot someone on campus. They came up on a car that had bullet holes in the back (common - just hill-billy stuff). The door of the car was open, and a leg was sticking out - the officer did not see the leg move, and their first instinct was to pull their gun on the car.... The person's leg finally moved, and the officer freaked out.... Mind you, this was a student - sitting next to tennis courts in their car, getting a drink of water, and they were almost shot because their car was old and had some bullet holes in it. Why the officer told me this story I don't know??

So, how do you have a rational conversation with someone who goes into victim/defensive/attack mode?
A lot of the problems may be due to cities trying to get police to do jobs that they should not be doing and not paying enough for the police they have. Cities go cheap and ultimately unrest is the result.

For example I am uncomfortable with the idea of "School safety officers". Armed police at schools just seems like a bad idea to me. It would be better to have people that are specifically trained to deal with adolescents rather than figuring that an officer could pull his gun if needed.

I would like to see an attempt to go back to police from the neighborhoods that they patrol. As it is now there is an "us against them" mentality built into the police force. That leads to using force at times when it is not needed.
 

idea

Question Everything
A lot of the problems may be due to cities trying to get police to do jobs that they should not be doing and not paying enough for the police they have. Cities go cheap and ultimately unrest is the result.

For example I am uncomfortable with the idea of "School safety officers". Armed police at schools just seems like a bad idea to me. It would be better to have people that are specifically trained to deal with adolescents rather than figuring that an officer could pull his gun if needed.

I would like to see an attempt to go back to police from the neighborhoods that they patrol. As it is now there is an "us against them" mentality built into the police force. That leads to using force at times when it is not needed.

Yes, I attended a town hall mtg and police there agreed that reorganization was needed, our police supported "defunding" police, and switching to programs for homeless, programs for mentally ill, for drug addicts etc. Some cities have made great changes, and others did not. I am a moderate / independent. Relatives happened to be in a city were police decided it was better to put on riot gear and attack the community ... rather than march with protesters, pray together, cry together, meet and talk as they did in my city - where no vandalism occurred. Hoping new administration will bring communities together, replace corrupt groups, find fair accountability practices.
 

Subduction Zone

Veteran Member
Yes, I attended a town hall mtg and police there agreed that reorganization was needed, our police supported "defunding" police, and switching to programs for homeless, programs for mentally ill, for drug addicts etc. Some cities have made great changes, and others did not. I am a moderate / independent. Relatives happened to be in a city were police decided it was better to put on riot gear and attack the community ... rather than march with protesters, pray together, cry together, meet and talk as they did in my city - where no vandalism occurred. Hoping new administration will bring communities together, replace corrupt groups, find fair accountability practices.
And "defund the police" has to have been the dumbest self defeating slogan ever. It makes too many people, on both sides, to think that it calls for a total elimination of the police force. Cop haters loved it and those for law and order were scared. They reacted by still electing Republican House and Senate members, and it made the election close enough so that Trump could convince his minions that cheating occurred. If anything that slogan will make it take longer to reformulate how we enforce laws in cities.
 
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