AU_001
New Member
Hello,
Please bare with me as this will probably seem like an extreme melodrama being spouted by an internet troll or a psychopath. Believe me when I say I am of no danger to myself or others. My fears surrounding the following dilemma ensure this at all times.
I'm writing this because I have come to realise that I need help in conquering my doubts and fears in life. I myself am not a Christian. I may have been baptized one? I don't even know. Nor have I lived a life in accordance to the tenets of the faith. In fact I have lived a life most likely to be deemed damnable by the standards of your judgement. I have openly challenged the existence of god, used his name in vain, rejected his love and fallen to temptation. Growing up as a teenager I was heavily into the ideas of black magic and Satanism. Nothing overly barbaric, mostly just philosophical. In fact I don't think I have ever once actually performed a single Satanic related ritual or committed any deeds in the name of Satan. Though I did openly desire that demons would embrace me and that I could help destroy Christianity. Finally - thankfully - I came to realise how absurd an idea this was. But now, looking back I realise that it was around this time that I sank into a depression that only grew deeper as I got older. I look back and feel that I have wasted my life. With belief in neither God nor Satan or any other deity for that matter, I became an existential nihilist. I openly challenged the idea of God. I dismissed his followers as intellectually inferior, often engaging in debate against their faith. I rejected the sanctity of God. I saw nothing but dust in an endless infinite chaos to which we are doomed to die without meaning or purpose. This drove me down so deep that I could barely function as an adult. I could not be the man I could be. I could not see the man I was. That I sometimes unintentionally hurt (not physical) or disappointed the people around me only drove me further into my pit. That I feel like I have no purpose leaves me numb and hopeless. Every day I have lived in absolute fear of death and the futility of everything. But I have come to feel that the only way I can accept my mortality is to step up and be a part of the world. But so long was I lost, cursing the idea of God, rejecting his divinity. I was forgotten. And I did suffer in the ruin and disappointment that shadowed me. I became my own enemy, my highest mountain. A shell within which I was nothing but a random oddity derived from neural activity in my brain. That I even would begin to slightly believe in a higher power I would find myself in contempt. For the most part I stand now an Agnostic I suppose. But I do so heavily lean in favor of science, often doubting the existence of any man-made God. If I were to quantify my faith I would say that I believe in Chaos Theory somewhere about 50 percent. Belief in a higher power responsible for reality but not something of human design I would put at about 49%. This includes the possibilities of simulated universes, multiple universes, belief that we are accountable to something much larger than ourselves that we cannot possibly be in a place to determine it. And finally, belief in the existence of Jesus and the Christian God or any other man-made God I would give 1% just because I do not feel I am in the position to claim clarity over reality.
But upon realising what I have written, I begin to question why all of these negative feelings began around about the same time I began entertaining the ideas of Satanism and witchcraft. I feel worthless and exhausted. I feel guilt for my sins and my spite of God. I feel as though I am slowly rotting into dust, a twisted malformed version of my true self. I feel as though this is my punishment for rejecting his love. That I am doomed to this confusion and misery for what I have done. That by cursing his name and by blaspheming so viciously I was condemned to suffer for my abandon. And so I come here to seek help from those who I hope are willing to offer it. I have so many reservations and questions that I am struggling with.
First and foremost I am questioning whether or not, having turned so far away from God, I would be forgiven for my hatred? Would I find in him mercy for having drifted lost and unaccomplished for so long? That I denounced his existence or merely questioned it? I just want to know that I mean something. That there is a point to anything. I don't know if I can completely accept this as an absolute truth - my brain has become so scientific and logical that often I cannot possibly see reason to believe in anything. But I know that unless I do prove my worthiness, whether that be for material reasons or spiritual, I am doomed to die alone and unfulfilled. If I seek to better the world will I be given the strength to pick myself up and shed this weight of evil I have gathered upon me? Will he take away that fear of death and non-existence which haunts me behind all other thoughts? And what if I feel too ashamed to openly declare my feelings? That I might slip and fall into utter hopelessness once again? Am I then to be damned or forgotten? What if I fight so hard in my brain to be the better person and to help those around me but the energy just doesn't come? This is me now - I struggle not to disappoint myself or others and usually fail miserably. Does that make me damned or forgotten?
I am terrified of life itself. I am without guidance, without hope. I am humbled by the possibility of something greater, but challenged by my intellectual curiosity. Can I be forgiven? Will I be given the strength to come back to you? Will this endless suffering be eased that I may once again feel the embrace of innocence and some semblance of joy? Can he take away my fear of the unknown and forgive me of my sins?
I fear for my ability to become the best I can be. I have taken the steps to begin my path into personal and / or divine salvation yet I struggle so hard to overcome the weight that undermines me. I want to be better whether God exists or not - what point is there otherwise? I fear that to fail in this pursuit would fulfill my prophecy of chaos. Yet I am only human and at the mercy of reality whether I understand it or not. Can he forgive me despite my sins? Can I keep this personal matter without admitting to my feelings and still be forgiven so long as I abide and respect God's wills?
Anyway, surely this is a minor novel by now so I will leave it at that. Any mature input or advice from this community would be utterly appreciated and I am happy to discuss any of the matters mentioned.
Please bare with me as this will probably seem like an extreme melodrama being spouted by an internet troll or a psychopath. Believe me when I say I am of no danger to myself or others. My fears surrounding the following dilemma ensure this at all times.
I'm writing this because I have come to realise that I need help in conquering my doubts and fears in life. I myself am not a Christian. I may have been baptized one? I don't even know. Nor have I lived a life in accordance to the tenets of the faith. In fact I have lived a life most likely to be deemed damnable by the standards of your judgement. I have openly challenged the existence of god, used his name in vain, rejected his love and fallen to temptation. Growing up as a teenager I was heavily into the ideas of black magic and Satanism. Nothing overly barbaric, mostly just philosophical. In fact I don't think I have ever once actually performed a single Satanic related ritual or committed any deeds in the name of Satan. Though I did openly desire that demons would embrace me and that I could help destroy Christianity. Finally - thankfully - I came to realise how absurd an idea this was. But now, looking back I realise that it was around this time that I sank into a depression that only grew deeper as I got older. I look back and feel that I have wasted my life. With belief in neither God nor Satan or any other deity for that matter, I became an existential nihilist. I openly challenged the idea of God. I dismissed his followers as intellectually inferior, often engaging in debate against their faith. I rejected the sanctity of God. I saw nothing but dust in an endless infinite chaos to which we are doomed to die without meaning or purpose. This drove me down so deep that I could barely function as an adult. I could not be the man I could be. I could not see the man I was. That I sometimes unintentionally hurt (not physical) or disappointed the people around me only drove me further into my pit. That I feel like I have no purpose leaves me numb and hopeless. Every day I have lived in absolute fear of death and the futility of everything. But I have come to feel that the only way I can accept my mortality is to step up and be a part of the world. But so long was I lost, cursing the idea of God, rejecting his divinity. I was forgotten. And I did suffer in the ruin and disappointment that shadowed me. I became my own enemy, my highest mountain. A shell within which I was nothing but a random oddity derived from neural activity in my brain. That I even would begin to slightly believe in a higher power I would find myself in contempt. For the most part I stand now an Agnostic I suppose. But I do so heavily lean in favor of science, often doubting the existence of any man-made God. If I were to quantify my faith I would say that I believe in Chaos Theory somewhere about 50 percent. Belief in a higher power responsible for reality but not something of human design I would put at about 49%. This includes the possibilities of simulated universes, multiple universes, belief that we are accountable to something much larger than ourselves that we cannot possibly be in a place to determine it. And finally, belief in the existence of Jesus and the Christian God or any other man-made God I would give 1% just because I do not feel I am in the position to claim clarity over reality.
But upon realising what I have written, I begin to question why all of these negative feelings began around about the same time I began entertaining the ideas of Satanism and witchcraft. I feel worthless and exhausted. I feel guilt for my sins and my spite of God. I feel as though I am slowly rotting into dust, a twisted malformed version of my true self. I feel as though this is my punishment for rejecting his love. That I am doomed to this confusion and misery for what I have done. That by cursing his name and by blaspheming so viciously I was condemned to suffer for my abandon. And so I come here to seek help from those who I hope are willing to offer it. I have so many reservations and questions that I am struggling with.
First and foremost I am questioning whether or not, having turned so far away from God, I would be forgiven for my hatred? Would I find in him mercy for having drifted lost and unaccomplished for so long? That I denounced his existence or merely questioned it? I just want to know that I mean something. That there is a point to anything. I don't know if I can completely accept this as an absolute truth - my brain has become so scientific and logical that often I cannot possibly see reason to believe in anything. But I know that unless I do prove my worthiness, whether that be for material reasons or spiritual, I am doomed to die alone and unfulfilled. If I seek to better the world will I be given the strength to pick myself up and shed this weight of evil I have gathered upon me? Will he take away that fear of death and non-existence which haunts me behind all other thoughts? And what if I feel too ashamed to openly declare my feelings? That I might slip and fall into utter hopelessness once again? Am I then to be damned or forgotten? What if I fight so hard in my brain to be the better person and to help those around me but the energy just doesn't come? This is me now - I struggle not to disappoint myself or others and usually fail miserably. Does that make me damned or forgotten?
I am terrified of life itself. I am without guidance, without hope. I am humbled by the possibility of something greater, but challenged by my intellectual curiosity. Can I be forgiven? Will I be given the strength to come back to you? Will this endless suffering be eased that I may once again feel the embrace of innocence and some semblance of joy? Can he take away my fear of the unknown and forgive me of my sins?
I fear for my ability to become the best I can be. I have taken the steps to begin my path into personal and / or divine salvation yet I struggle so hard to overcome the weight that undermines me. I want to be better whether God exists or not - what point is there otherwise? I fear that to fail in this pursuit would fulfill my prophecy of chaos. Yet I am only human and at the mercy of reality whether I understand it or not. Can he forgive me despite my sins? Can I keep this personal matter without admitting to my feelings and still be forgiven so long as I abide and respect God's wills?
Anyway, surely this is a minor novel by now so I will leave it at that. Any mature input or advice from this community would be utterly appreciated and I am happy to discuss any of the matters mentioned.
