Help! I'm frustrated....

[Runewolf1973]

I'm frustrated....

I have a full time job that entails shift work and I live with my fiancee who used to work part time. Now she is a stay at home mom with a 6 year old daughter that goes to school during the days. The problem is, when I come home from a 12 hour shift I usually come home to find that nothing was done. There is usually garbage and mess left lying around on the counters and tables, the dishes are not washed and the laundry keeps piling up. It really gets on my nerves when I spend all day at work and come home to a messy house. I don't get mad about it, but it does frustrate me. I will ask her if she is going to do the dishes or the laundry and she just gets mad at me, yells, and tells me that all she does around the house is clean and it's never good enough. So when I stop asking if it will get done, it still doesn't and I am still left frustrated. This is when I usually take it upon myself to do the dishes or the laundry or the tidying up. Then she gets ****** off and says that I'm just trying to make her feel useless. All I want is a house that is clean and tidy to come home to. I thought having a stay at home wife was a good thing, but I'm starting to think otherwise. I just don't know what to do anymore. I do love her and want her to stay, but every time it seems we'll get into a fight about the same thing every couple weeks or so and she'll threaten to leave. She says all I ever do is complain and it's never good enough. Thing is I am not a clean freak, I just feel as though she could do more. I just don't know what to do anymore. She does pay for some bills and stuff with the bit of money she gets, but somehow it just doesn't seem like things are 50-50. I really don't know anymore. Every so often she will get up and clean a lot, but that usually goes in spurts. She'll clean lots for a couple days then she'll go for three or four and do very little. The way I see it is the housework for a day could easily get done in just a few hours or so every day, but that's too much work? I don't get it. Am I just being unreasonable or is she just being lazy?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

You're definitely not unreasonable to want to live in a clean environment.

I had a sort-of reverse situation for a long time with my now wife. Although we both worked, she did most of the housework (although her standards of clean were far more stringent than mine). I would get defensive anytime she brought it up, or even if she started cleaning when I was relaxing.

Over time, we met half-way. Her standards slowly lowered, and I stopped being such a lazy, selfish jerk and started cleaning - not too get her off my back, but because I care about how she feels. She still does about 2/3 of the housework, but it seems to be a balance we can both live with.

 

[Watchmen]

I'll be blunt.

It's not going to work.

You two should separate so she can put ALL her energies into her child and you can get on with your life.

 

[Runewolf1973]

You're definitely not unreasonable to want to live in a clean environment.

I had a sort-of reverse situation for a long time with my now wife. Although we both worked, she did most of the housework (although her standards of clean were far more stringent than mine). I would get defensive anytime she brought it up, or even if she started cleaning when I was relaxing.

Over time, we met half-way. Her standards slowly lowered, and I stopped being such a lazy, selfish jerk and started cleaning - not too get her off my back, but because I care about how she feels. She still does about 2/3 of the housework, but it seems to be a balance we can both live with.

Yes, that's what I'm looking for is a balance.

 

[Phasmid]

The thing that stood out to me about your post was, "it seems we'll get into a fight about the same thing every couple weeks or so and she'll threaten to leave".

Now I can only give you my opinion, but that right there would make me say, "Fine, leave". Anyone who uses emotional blackmail like that doesn't deserve your time, pal, especially when it's over the little things.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Yes, that's what I'm looking for is a balance.

In most relationships, this only occurs over time - some longer than others. However, at the core, both people want to have to achieve this balance through compromise and understanding. If she has no interest in even listening to your concerns, let alone working on them, it's going to be a long road.

 

[Runewolf1973]

The thing that stood out to me about your post was, "it seems we'll get into a fight about the same thing every couple weeks or so and she'll threaten to leave".

Now I can only give you my opinion, but that right there would make me say, "Fine, leave". Anyone who uses emotional blackmail like that doesn't deserve your time, pal, especially when it's over the little things.

That's what I've been thinking. I can be a rather tough decision, especially in these times, I can hardly afford to live where I am myself and I've had really rotten luck with roommates in the past. Hate for it to come to that though.

 

[Draka]

Well, here's where I'm embarrassed. my house is definitely not the cleanest it could be. I am a stay at home mom of a 2 year old and a 7 month old. My home ranges from immaculately clean to pigsty and back again depending on the week. Now, in my defense, look at the ages of my children. Chasing and/or dealing with an obstinate temper-tantrum throwing 2y/o and a breastfeeding 7 month old who screams at the mere sight of the vacuum cleaner doesn't exactly make for the easiest time of cleaning the house. When I get downtime from the kids it's not like I want to scrub the dishes or sort the laundry so it builds up to a messy situation. To the point I can't stand to look at it anymore and I go on a cleaning binge screaming kids be damned.

For your situation though, if the child is in school during the day and she is home alone with no distractions at all...I do have to wonder why she couldn't do a little clean up everyday. Once I clean my house, even with the kids and us making messes, if I pick up a little here and there as I can it doesn't get so bad so quickly. It does eventually build up, but if I didn't have to deal with the little ones I'm pretty sure my house would be passibly clean all the time. I would have to question just what it is she does during the day, everyday.

 

[Watchmen]

That's what I've been thinking. I can be a rather tough decision, especially in these times, I can hardly afford to live where I am myself and I've had really rotten luck with roommates in the past. Hate for it to come to that though.

I'll be blunt.

The fact you're treating this as a financial decision is further evidence, IMO, that you two need to split.

 

[Alceste]

I'm frustrated....

I have a full time job that entails shift work and I live with my fiancee who used to work part time. Now she is a stay at home mom with a 6 year old daughter that goes to school during the days. The problem is, when I come home from a 12 hour shift I usually come home to find that nothing was done. There is usually garbage and mess left lying around on the counters and tables, the dishes are not washed and the laundry keeps piling up. It really gets on my nerves when I spend all day at work and come home to a messy house. I don't get mad about it, but it does frustrate me. I will ask her if she is going to do the dishes or the laundry and she just gets mad at me, yells, and tells me that all she does around the house is clean and it's never good enough. So when I stop asking if it will get done, it still doesn't and I am still left frustrated. This is when I usually take it upon myself to do the dishes or the laundry or the tidying up. Then she gets ****** off and says that I'm just trying to make her feel useless. All I want is a house that is clean and tidy to come home to. I thought having a stay at home wife was a good thing, but I'm starting to think otherwise. I just don't know what to do anymore. I do love her and want her to stay, but every time it seems we'll get into a fight about the same thing every couple weeks or so and she'll threaten to leave. She says all I ever do is complain and it's never good enough. Thing is I am not a clean freak, I just feel as though she could do more. I just don't know what to do anymore. She does pay for some bills and stuff with the bit of money she gets, but somehow it just doesn't seem like things are 50-50. I really don't know anymore. Every so often she will get up and clean a lot, but that usually goes in spurts. She'll clean lots for a couple days then she'll go for three or four and do very little. The way I see it is the housework for a day could easily get done in just a few hours or so every day, but that's too much work? I don't get it. Am I just being unreasonable or is she just being lazy?

Sounds like there is a lot more going on than a few dirty dishes. Do you talk about how she feels, generally? Sounds to me like she's depressed or understimulated.

I don't know anyone who does "a few hours of housework" every day. Apart from cleaning ladies, that is.Speaking of which, if the housework really is the only problem, consider splashing out for one once in a while if it's in your budget. They're not that expensive. To me it sounds like communication is the problem.

There's all kinds of advice like this on the internet.

I know how you feel though, I feel like I am always picking up after my partner, even though things are actually pretty fair (he cooks, I clean). It was very hard for me to understand why he had to leave garbage all over the house instead of putting it in the bin. I sometimes felt like he was taking it for granted that I'd be following around after him moving his trash from the table to the bin, so why bother? Now it's become clear that he's actually more comfortable in a messy, chaotic environment. It makes perfect sense now - he grew up with a messy mum, I grew up with a clean one. Who am I to say "clean" is qualitatively better than "messy", and that he should adapt himself to creating an environment I feel comfortable in, rather than the other way around?

Now we go through cycles - yesterday the house was so awful I could hardly bear to leave the bedroom. Today it's clean. Ish. I halfheartedly helped him mess it up for a few days, then he halfheartedly helped me tidy up. Eventually maybe we'll find that happy equilibrium Stranger has with his wife.

 

[3.14]

she's a woman hate to break it but you could have seen this comming, and unless this is the result of some unfulfilled wish of her's this isn't going to go away (if it is endulge her if possible and she will come around) if its not then your in luck that she's still your fiance

 

[Watchmen]

Question: You say she's your fiance - do you have a ring and a date?

 

[Runewolf1973]

Question: You say she's your fiance - do you have a ring and a date?

A ring, but no date as of yet.

 

[Dezzie]

I feel that she is a bit lazy in a sense. It doesn't seem that she cares too much about how you feel about the situation and that is also making things harder. The fact that she automatically puts up her gaurd when you ask her about it, is not how anyone should be. She needs to be a little bit more understanding that you work 12 hour shifts and just want to relax a little when you come home. I can understand that feeling. Of course, it should be split evenly. It is not fair if you need to come home to a disaster everyday. There shouldn't be too much of an excuse if the 6 year old has school in the day time. Plus, the child is 6. If there is enough disipline in the house, there should be control on the toys staying in their room and for no dramatic mess to be made. I am only 20 but that is just the way I see it.

 

[Dezzie]

she's a woman hate to break it but you could have seen this comming, and unless this is the result of some unfulfilled wish of her's this isn't going to go away (if it is endulge her if possible and she will come around) if its not then your in luck that she's still your fiance

I really hope this is not directed towards all women. I am most certainly understanding and like things to be 50/50. Not all women are this way.

 

[Janette]

If you are thinking of quitting the relationship, maybe you need to look at yourself & if you are ready for marriage. Already you have discovered the picture isnt quite as pretty as you thought, and now you want out? Marriage is a contract of committment, that means you stay (with the exception of certain abuses). If she loses a leg..you stay, if she farts in her sleep, picks her nose, spends too much money, you stay....you make adjustments & revise them until something works. That is marriage. If you cannot pull this off, I dont see much hope for future "prospective pretty pictures". The next one likely wont cook or clean or shower..... suggested relationship reading topics codependency & control. I like Pia Melody. "compelled to control" is good too, forgot the author. Been married twice, just didnt get it the first time, barely could swallow it the second time but Ive hung in there & now have one of the most peaceful relationships Ive ever had.

 

[Comicaze247]

Sorry Runewolf, but I have to agree with Watchmen. It sounds like it's not gonna work. Emotional threats should be a red flag, especially if the threats come because of little things like housework. She's being very manipulative, it seems. She's not worth your time.

 

[dawny0826]

I'm frustrated....

I have a full time job that entails shift work and I live with my fiancee who used to work part time. Now she is a stay at home mom with a 6 year old daughter that goes to school during the days. The problem is, when I come home from a 12 hour shift I usually come home to find that nothing was done. There is usually garbage and mess left lying around on the counters and tables, the dishes are not washed and the laundry keeps piling up. It really gets on my nerves when I spend all day at work and come home to a messy house. I don't get mad about it, but it does frustrate me. I will ask her if she is going to do the dishes or the laundry and she just gets mad at me, yells, and tells me that all she does around the house is clean and it's never good enough. So when I stop asking if it will get done, it still doesn't and I am still left frustrated. This is when I usually take it upon myself to do the dishes or the laundry or the tidying up. Then she gets ****** off and says that I'm just trying to make her feel useless. All I want is a house that is clean and tidy to come home to. I thought having a stay at home wife was a good thing, but I'm starting to think otherwise. I just don't know what to do anymore. I do love her and want her to stay, but every time it seems we'll get into a fight about the same thing every couple weeks or so and she'll threaten to leave. She says all I ever do is complain and it's never good enough. Thing is I am not a clean freak, I just feel as though she could do more. I just don't know what to do anymore. She does pay for some bills and stuff with the bit of money she gets, but somehow it just doesn't seem like things are 50-50. I really don't know anymore. Every so often she will get up and clean a lot, but that usually goes in spurts. She'll clean lots for a couple days then she'll go for three or four and do very little. The way I see it is the housework for a day could easily get done in just a few hours or so every day, but that's too much work? I don't get it. Am I just being unreasonable or is she just being lazy?

You can't change people. And not everyone is cut out for house wife detail. I suggest telling her that you need to have a serious conversation and ask her what's going on.

You may find that she's not happy with her current responsibilities or maybe it's something different, altogether. If she's not willing to speak honestly with you, then it might be beneficial for you both to step back from your relationship and evaluate your feelings and expectations for/of one other.

 

[ranjana]

i agree, your fiance does not sound happy at all. it stands out to me like depression, and a lot gets amplified and projected onto those she is close to (YOU). Can you ask her bluntly about it? Can you afford some short term couples therapy? It may lead to some insight beyond the cleaning.

 

[tomspug]

See, my wife is a neat-freak, so this would never happen to me. If you work 12-hour shifts, maybe she resents being locked in the house and being defined by the state of the house. Maybe if you communicated to her that her worth is defined by who she is, not what she does, she wouldn't have a problem with making the house comfortable for you. All I know is that being results oriented makes everything worse. Just do your best to put yourself in her position, and if she thinks you understand her, she will appreciate that and put herself in your position. That's the give and take of love.

Communication, above all else, and counseling if you can afford it!