Half thoughts, mid-thoughts, and random images from a mind

[amorphous_constellation]

- mustard goes with pretzels, and cheese with other chips, but this mustard is an uncommon import

- was coming home, and someone put glowsticks on the trees up there. I thought maybe it was a dog collar at first, or something paranormal. Always a new little detail here and there, but not many major changes, which I think is good

...to play the guitar or the mandolin. Well the mandolin is hard to record. You think it's easy, but it's not. Why don't you stick to the guitar, this time.

..to finally retire, surreal. I guess that's the last time I will see you come in, and drive off? I hope you have a good one, go hunting and fishing. Forget this place

...causes my scalp to fulminate, globs of ghost pepper sauce on the pizza. For a few moments, the whole thing seems to shift in a tectonic-ish way.

 

[amorphous_constellation]

- to be older, and grayer. My hair hasn't even changed color yet, except a few beard lines, out of a thousand.. At 35, you find that novelty is hard to come by. I find that I have to work with what I know, as things out there fail to surprise me

-Better sleep today after two days with 5 hours. Though maybe it's because it's warmer? No, maybe because it just takes that long to shift back into better sleep

I don't know anything about Ukraine, but that sounds rather concerning

..It's time for me to get up, and go to work again. Repetition, certainly.

If I will be wiser in 10 years, in 20 years, 30 years, to what end? How many books will I have in my kindle by then? Hundreds? What will be the product that will result from all that, the product that is then within me? Knowledge? A foundation, but then, by then, I will be retired. And then, how is it even to be used.

 

[amorphous_constellation]

- Where is my energy, who has stolen it. Caught in a tired stasis

- A few choices to make with my free-time, caught between them, I seem to do nothing

- Stop playing video games. It doesn't do anything for your life, it is just a waste of time. So easy just to lay there, and do it. Well you don't have time to do that. You just don't.

They can be good, but you have other things to do. If you didn't have other things to do, you could play video games. The games aren't a waste of time, they just aren't for you

Listening to music. Trying to be inspired, but I lose focus, midway through songs that used to inspire

 

[amorphous_constellation]

Have the rest of year off, till the 3rd of next year. I am unsure how to use this time productively, yet the bottom of the hourglass collects its sand, whether I do things or not. I suppose you have to give yourself some leeway, as it is supposed to be a 'break' for 'rest.' But life is meant to be lived, and you don't want blank spots in your life, even if it is 23 degrees Fahrenheit

The thing to do is to take pictures of ice, and that put weird photo effects on it. Or any little thing outside covered in frost as the dawn rises. Someone told me once, you can take a picture of mud and make it look incredible, if you do it right

Or maybe that's a boring thing to do.

I already read enough tonight, and played enough video games. Are these both wastes of time? You will forget what you read, and playing video games doesn't produce much of anything. I am frustrated by music projects, because I keep changing my mind constantly. Or, I reach creative dead-ends, or I fail to mix things correctly, but I keep working on that stuff for hours anyway.

 

[amorphous_constellation]

Just waiting to feel tired so I can go to sleep, but maybe I'll shift my schedule to be up during the day for a while here. But That means, I should stay up the entire day today, which is not fun. Anyway, the problem with journals, or the journalism of the self, to me anyway, is that it is obviously creating a mirror of introspection. I think I come off as negative, and I don't want to have imperfect points, be notable points

Anyway

-A heavily frosted landscape greeted me this morning, followed by a startling 20 degree temperature rise, and heavy fog
-There is a spot on the trail where, someone left some old cabbage or something, or composting vegetation. Which I find somewhat pleasant
- I dodged around the loose dogs, per usual

 

[amorphous_constellation]

- In the middle of a book about railroad hoboes, 'Rolling Nowhere' by Ted Conover. From the early eighties. To review it slightly, it seems like somewhat of a romantic take, but I think I like the book. I doubt you could do much of that stuff now
- Drank a wee bit too much coffee tonight. I'm alright, but it makes me feel a bit anxious after a certain point. I will walk off the feeling in about an hour

- Merry Christmas, if that's what you're into.

 

[amorphous_constellation]

:A few bitterly cold days since Christmas, though there's usually an ever so slight incline from here. I was able to take a walk earlier, and there wasn't any windchill, or wind. So the silence made me turn off my podcast for a bit and just appreciate the winter silence

:Now who in the world can consume all of the podcasts that are available each day? They pop out of the internet instantly, like the multiplication of bacteria or rabbits. The man on the outside, is inundated. 3 hours each, who has walking feet that can stand it? Who has a brain that stand still for it?

:Macro photography, weird and somewhat entertaining to me anyway. Can I sell these pictures? I can't be good enough. Everyone must be doing this

Almost 7 now, my 3rd shift weekend is almost done. I have to go to sleep somehow, as everyone else's day starts. I feel a need to tire myself out. How shall I do that?

 

[amorphous_constellation]

I don't know anything about Ukraine, but that sounds rather concerning

And now, I think I know all I want to know. Does that sound terse? Time to go back to focusing on other things. If I evaporate through the hand of those who are crazy, what is there that I can do? Good luck world, leave me to meditate. There are those who ring the world round, with nuclear subs. A monk meditates in total peace. He sends out his peaceful thoughts, and they descend on those nuclear subs. They all dismantle themselves, and dissipate back into foul imagination. And even that, breaks apart

-Better sleep today after two days with 5 hours.

Today I chose little sleep. I did not want to go back to bed. I slept well yesterday. But today I am tired, and waste time. I struggle through a few pages, in the books. But they still mean something, those words that I strain to read.

- I must somehow make another cup of coffee. I am out of paper filters. However, I have these little packets of Vietnamese style coffee, from an Asian grocery store. Next time, I want to buy a durian fruit. To see what it is like.

- In the vikings show, the seer rambles on about 'stones and bones.' But why do those words rhyme? They certainly never had to rhyme. Well maybe it is because, the english/germanic peoples thought about Ymir, and how the earth had his bones in it. That's why they rhyme.

- What to do at work. Another slow night? Or will it be one where i have start a bunch new orders running. Sweeping burns time a little faster than doing nothing does. Though it is irritating - need better brooms again. Oil wrecks broom bristles

And I am trying to rebuild calluses, so I can play guitar better again. I lost my stupid calluses, of all things. This is because I focused on the violin. And also, that messed by finger coordination a little bit, going back to the guitar. Because you know, the violin is so much smaller. So I trained my fingers to squeeze together more, that seems to be what happened. It is 25 degrees outside. I am going to drink a coffee, and then brush my teeth and floss. Then I will go out and walk a little, and get blood moving, even if the outside world is now mud

 

[amorphous_constellation]

I asked the Tarot for thoughts concerning the Ukraine situation today.

The reading was this: The Ace of Cups - The Pope - The Lovers - The Tower - The World - The Fool

I might have some ideas about what this means. To outline this, the ace of cups might represent a city, or the cities undergoing the general tragedy, while the lovers represent the primary leader figures.The last three cards, from the bottom of the deck, seem to represent the conclusion; the way out. The fool walks backward from the world, toward the rest of the deck.

I wrote down a few more thoughts on it elsewhere, that I won't bother you with, unless you want them

 

[JustGeorge]

I wrote down a few more thoughts on it elsewhere, that I won't bother you with, unless you want them

I'm interested.

I rather like your tarot insights.

 

[amorphous_constellation]

I'm interested.

Keep in mind I could be completely wrong, as it seems this is a difficult one. And also as well, that I think the Tarot is an encyclopedia of possibilities, as well as description. Anything could still happen

- The ace of cups, from what I kind see, is a city. And we can see that it is on a river, and that the city is bleeding, in tragedy. But the city has achieved a moral high-ground. Its wings, which you can see all around it, even propel it toward heaven. And as well, its top has seven points

- The pope is next in the progression, and after him, the lovers. The interplay between these two cards seems important. The pope looks toward the lovers with concern. It seems important that the lovers not be distracted. They represent all the people in the situation that are talking, and saying important things. Perhaps, all of the leaders and diplomats involved, on every side.

- The next three cards are drawn from the bottom of the deck, and they seem more vague. They are perhaps, more about the possibilities that may occur in the future. Perhaps even three separate ones?

The first is the eruption of the tower. Ostensibly, this represents chaos. Things coming apart. Though perhaps it also signals possibility. Next is the world, and the world is a portal, and it represents the apex of a cycle. I suppose this is an optimistic card, for it says that somehow, everything comes into balance, and there is a way to the next world.

The last card is the fool. But since he appeared last, I feel that he is walking backwards from the world, and from the tower, and toward the rest of the deck? Or perhaps, he is walking forward, if one was to place the cards regularly from left to right - tower, world, fool. In any case, maybe that doesn't matter

The fool is the first Arcana in the progression of the deck, and the world is the last - card 0, and card 21. The pairing of these two cards at the end of this large draw, might signal hope. Balance is somehow achieved, and the next journey can begin? Obviously with so much tragedy having occurred already in this situation, hope might be hard see

I think that maybe this draw just represents the opinion of my deck, from how it saw things going as of yesterday.

 

[JustGeorge]

I think the Tarot is an encyclopedia of possibilities, as well as description.

Those have always been my thoughts, though you put it more eloquently than I could have.

- The ace of cups, from what I kind see, is a city. And we can see that it is on a river, and that the city is bleeding, in tragedy. But the city has achieved a moral high-ground. Its wings, which you can see all around it, even propel it toward heaven. And as well, its top has seven points

- The pope is next in the progression, and after him, the lovers. The interplay between these two cards seems important. The pope looks toward the lovers with concern. It seems important that the lovers not be distracted. They represent all the people in the situation that are talking, and saying important things. Perhaps, all of the leaders and diplomats involved, on every side.

- The next three cards are drawn from the bottom of the deck, and they seem more vague. They are perhaps, more about the possibilities that may occur in the future. Perhaps even three separate ones?

The first is the eruption of the tower. Ostensibly, this represents chaos. Things coming apart. Though perhaps it also signals possibility. Next is the world, and the world is a portal, and it represents the apex of a cycle. I suppose this is an optimistic card, for it says that somehow, everything comes into balance, and there is a way to the next world.

The last card is the fool. But since he appeared last, I feel that he is walking backwards from the world, and from the tower, and toward the rest of the deck? Or perhaps, he is walking forward, if one was to place the cards regularly from left to right - tower, world, fool. In any case, maybe that doesn't matter

The fool is the first Arcana in the progression of the deck, and the world is the last - card 0, and card 21. The pairing of these two cards at the end of this large draw, might signal hope. Balance is somehow achieved, and the next journey can begin? Obviously with so much tragedy having occurred already in this situation, hope might be hard see

I think that maybe this draw just represents the opinion of my deck, from how it saw things going as of yesterday.

I find this all very intriguing. I thank you very much for sharing.

 

[amorphous_constellation]

I suppose now it must finally warm up some. I walk outside, I can finally smell the planet, in hints. The only thing I could smell before, were these thick, horrific car fumes that would cut through the icy air, as I walked back and forth from work, during rush hour.

This winter, I started to practice the wim hof method, somewhat. Does it work for me? I think maybe it actually does, somewhat. It seems like I was able to focus a bit better, in places. And it makes winter less daunting to me, in a weird way, because now it seems like I'm trying to get something out of it, as opposed to generally avoid it.

However, I have not fully escaped the sense of doom & anxiety that I have seemed to have cultivated, over the course of my life. Or maybe, it's just the fact that 'time' seems to chew me down. The mid-life part of life, a man half-eaten by a clock. Still confused

Another thing, is that I started reading the tarot a bit. But that's another story, for another time, I guess

As dawn absorbs the world, I walk in the morning's glory, and listen to jack endino talk about 90's records. I need some inspiration to play music more, and listening to politics has become disgusting

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The tartar spots on my teeth are returning. I went to the dentist a year ago, and they chipped it all off. But now, it's kind of there again. Right where the coffee goes past, I posit. Because I lie here in bed, and drink coffee, and it always glides past my bottom two front teeth. And so now, I have to avoid licking them with the tip of my tongue, because it cuts my tongue

 

[JustGeorge]

This winter, I started to practice the wim hof method, somewhat.

What's the win hof method?

 

[amorphous_constellation]

What's the win hof method?

Wim hof seems to basically be a person who meditates in the cold, to describe him in my own words, and he set various records in the cold. Since I'm in wisconsin, I realized at some point that I should try to get a better relationship with winter.. rather than just hating it. So i decided maybe I should try to actually like it

 

[JustGeorge]

Wim hof seems to basically be a person who meditates in the cold, to describe him in my own words, and he set various records in the cold. Since I'm in wisconsin, I realized at some point that I should try to get a better relationship with winter.. rather than just hating it. So i decided maybe I should try to actually like it

I've been trying to better adjust to winter, myself(I'm in Iowa). I don't think I'll ever get used to the extreme cold, but winter can be pretty. I do like the dark.

 

[amorphous_constellation]

I've been trying to better adjust to winter, myself(I'm in Iowa). I don't think I'll ever get used to the extreme cold, but winter can be pretty. I do like the dark.

Apparently wim can go all winter long, barefoot with only shorts on. And he claims to have changed his biochemistry so that it feels good. I'm not sure I could reach that point.

 

[JustGeorge]

Apparently wim can go all winter long, barefoot with only shorts on. And he claims to have changed his biochemistry so that it feels good

That's admirable.

I hate shoes. I'd love to be able to ditch 'em in the winter.

 

[amorphous_constellation]

That's admirable.

I hate shoes. I'd love to be able to ditch 'em in the winter.

Well it does seem controversial at least, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't even recommend doing the more dangerous things he's done, like swimming in ice cold lakes in the middle of winter etc.

 

[amorphous_constellation]

- random coworkers, acquaintances, and even family giving me random life advice, at worked junctures. I myself try never to solicit advice - though sometimes I know it seems natural, and so I do it. And so, this complaint isn't one-sided. I suppose it's just annoying when someone says things that get stuck in your head. About what they think you should do. Or how they see it: how you are, and why it is good. When you were not trying to see it that way

In any case, I want to develop a better answer to certain questions. Before telling the person how things are with me, I want to ask them questions about their questions. Though I lack the wit to pull this off. But in any case, I would ask them to imagine all the different ways they might imagine, about I could be handling a certain thing. Because maybe then I will see more fullness in how they might react, to any given thing. I don't know, maybe it wouldn't work

- I lost my earbuds in the swamp. The marsh was at a sort of peak frost point, so I could then walk on the whole thing. And it was 33 degrees, and a lovely morning. So I walked where-ever I wanted on it, and it was great. At the river, there was a massive beaver that I filmed. I never crossed that river. I suppose I could carry some waterproof boots

- Which I saw that day, at the tack sale with my mother. I went to several horse tack sales with her, and was bored out of my mind, but she liked it. I of course didn't express it, but instead tried to become interested, temporarily, in the mountains of gear that I didn't understand.