Guilt and Chaos

[dannyfrankszzz]

I have a guilty conscience because I think terrible thoughts. For the most part, I can repress these and hide them away but they’re always lurking in my consciousness. I feel guilty because if I do not express these thoughts to people, then I am not being honest. If I express these thoughts, then I am immediately considered a terrible person. I find any sort of expression very difficult to translate across. A consequent result of this contradiction is my mind slips into despair at the impossibility of being able to find a satisfactory resolution to this.

My mind then wanders into a debate about predetermination; how can I be guilty about impulses and thoughts if I am thinking these things as a result of genetic predetermination, then surely this absolves me of guilt. Whilst my mind whirrs in this pattern, the usual conclusion that I reach is a shrug of the shoulders and an unconscious acceptance of my own innate, unrelenting, stubborn will to live as the fundamental driving force stopping me from committing suicide at the despair of my predicament.

Whilst I understand the nature of my own problem, my own instincts also tell me that other people are affected by these things to varying degrees.

I always feel that I need to bury this stuff and move on with my life but I just can’t seem to get over these problems. I live in perpetual fear of being found out – of exposing my weaknesses. I feel that my entire existence is based on maintaining the illusion of sanity that is acceptable to my fellow man in spite of the fact that my own nature is despicable.

I would even go so far as to say that almost my every waking thought has to be controlled and tamed so as to appear acceptable. If I hold a knife, the instinctive reflex to stab someone with it occurs to me. I get nervous holding a knife in the kitchen when people are around me.

I need to confess to achieve a redemption; alas, there is no redemption except death. I sometimes wonder if the Catholic faith might help me here – a religion designed to try and deal with the guilt part but then many would argue that free will must always exist.

I live a very narrow existence – where I feel I have some control over things around me and over myself; at least that is passable although many would say that my existence is a living death.

Why can’t it be easy? Why does there have to be perpetual conflict and strife? Living is a kind of hell. I think it takes a strong will to control this state.

 

[swingin' n]

don't worry! i'm pretty sure that most people have terrible thoughts (at least, i know i do!)- just as long as you don't act upon them. I have been taught that repressing bad thoughts and impulses is wrong because it can be harmful to yourself and others around you. admitting them can be relieving and can get them out of your system, instead of brooding and rotting inside of you where no one can help you.

even if you only admit them on this forum, where you are guaranteed privacy (because nobody knows who you are) you will lighten your conscience, because you can be totally honest without being immediately judged as a bad person. everyone should have somebody that they can say anything to.

I always feel that I need to bury this stuff and move on with my life but I just can’t seem to get over these problems.

that would be because in 'burrying' those bad thoughts, they never have a chance to be addressed properly and expelled, rather than kept in the back of your mind.

I live in perpetual fear of being found out – of exposing my weaknesses. I feel that my entire existence is based on maintaining the illusion of sanity that is acceptable to my fellow man in spite of the fact that my own nature is despicable.

what are you afraid of being found out about? that you're not perfect, that you have imperfect thoughts? although i am a christian, i have been led to believe that a perfect state as not possible to acheive until you reach enlightenment. please correct me if i'm wrong.

I need to confess to achieve a redemption; alas, there is no redemption except death. I sometimes wonder if the Catholic faith might help me here – a religion designed to try and deal with the guilt part but then many would argue that free will must always exist.

the catholic faith is not specifically designed to deal with guilt, although that is the religious stereotype. and there are many ways of acheiving redemption rather than death. personally, meditation helps me. However relieving it is to confess your sins to a priest in strict confidence and have him say that God forgives me, ultimately, i believe that to achieve redemption you need to find a peace within that comes from having a clear conscience. but what has free will to do with it? i'm sorry, i don't understand that last part.

Why can’t it be easy? Why does there have to be perpetual conflict and strife? Living is a kind of hell. I think it takes a strong will to control this state.

at times, life CAN be hard, but it doesn't always have to be as hard as you seem to be making it for yourself. Repressing any or all of those thoughts will just lead to an even more tortured existance.

i'm very sorry if i have come across as preachy and patronising at all in replying to your message, but i have tried my best to express my honest beliefs. feel free to ignore any/all advice given by me. :mrgreen:

you have certainly given me a lot to think about....

 

[Master Vigil]

I have bad thoughts, and a horrible temper. This is why I do martial arts and meditation. I can get rid of my anger through training and beating up my body (which in turn makes it stronger.) And I learn to control my thoughts through meditation practice. I've been doing it for around 9 years, and it has worked wonders. Just an idea.

 

[dannyfrankszzz]

Thanks for your responses. It's good to hear other people's points of view.

As for training, I do a lot of physical exercising - swimming, cycling, yoga, which definitely help.

As for martial arts, that is certainly something I'll give some more thought to.

 

[anders]

Your thoughts are inside you. They can't hurt anybody or anything. That you don't like a certain thought or is disturbed by it, is a sign that you don't think it actively in your conscious mind, so you can't be blamed. Regard the thought as a message from your subconscious that here is something that might be worth reflecting on. In that way, you will be prepared if a situation occurs when you might be tempted to do something rash. Having already thought it over, you will be able to act in a responsible way and not just on impulse.

Everbody has crazy thoughts now and then, like the very common "What if I jumped into the street in front of that approaching car?" As long as you don't follow that thought, no harm is done. There is no need to feel remorse or guilt or ask for forgiveness.