Good among You is the One who is Good for Family – How Men can Fulfill their Responsibilities

[DawudTalut]

Peace and mercy of Allah be on you…… The teaching of Islam, the teaching which came to Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) guides us in every matter. If each of us becomes a practitioner of this guidance, a beautiful society can be established.


Today non-Muslim world raises objection against Islam and deeds of Muslims. They would have become follower of Islam by giving examples of models of Muslims if Muslims had practiced teaching of Islam in right way. But unfortunately, majority of Muslims recite this commandment of Allah the Exalted and greatly respect it but ignore it when time come to practice it. There are a lot of commandments in Holy Quran but Allah the Exalted gathered them in one sentence by saying: “laqad kana lakum fi rasullilahe uswatun hasana” … Surely for you, there is good model in the Messenger of Allah.


The whole life of Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him), from home to vast societal relations, was full of practice of the directives of Holy Quran.


So the real success can only be achieved when we keep this model before us in each matter.


Sometimes human show very good models in major issues, but matters which are apparently small are ignored as if these have no significance.


Contrary to this, Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) has drawn our attention to such small issues by his sayings and model.


If we want to make our lives peaceful, and want to get favours of Allah the Exalted then we need to make those morals part of our lives which our Master and Who is obeyed’ Hazrat Muhammad Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) presented before us in each matter, and then in this era, his True Servant presented these to us in detail, and drew our attention to practice these.


Hazrat Khalifatul Messiah V (may Allah be his Helper) said now he will say something about responsibilities of men in various roles s in this regard.


Man has responsibility as head of the house. He has responsibility as husband too. He has responsibility as father too. Further, he has responsibility as offspring. If each man understands these responsibilities and makes effort to fulfill these then it becomes way to establish vast peace, love and fraternity in society. These things become way of training of progeny. This peaceful progeny spreads and establishes human right. These things establish peace of homes.


These days problems and complaints of many houses come forward where the man, thinking he is head of the family and have all authorities, neither respect and pay due right of his wife, nor pay rights of training the children. It is headship by name only…..There are some complaints by women from India and Pakistan that husbands battered wives caused blues on skin or wounded and faces were made swell…..Rather some people in advanced countries commit these things….Some fathers treat little boys and girls badly up to the point of oppression.


IF even after believing Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) they insist to live like ignorant people or like those Muslims who have no knowledge of religion, and treat their wives and children as ignorant people do -- THEN by making the pledge of change in their conditions, there is no benefit of coming in Bait of Hazrat Promised Messiah (a.s.).


Are men, at whom there is responsibility to fulfill their duty to pay right of God and to improve level of their practical conditions, doing so? If yes, then oppression can never take place in their homes.


As the head of house, Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) first of all, made the importance of Tauheed clear to his family. But he did this work with affection and love, not with use of stick. He (s.a.w.) paid rights of his family despite he was head of the family and he was very much occupied in reforming the world and establishment of Shariah. He (s.a.w.) paid these rights with affection, love and kindness.


In paying right of being head of family, he (s.a.w.) first of all created the awareness that their duty was to establish Tauheed and offer worship of Allah the Exalted. Thus Hazrat Aisha (r.a.) said, Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) would wake up at night to offer Nawafil, and then would make us to wake at early morning by sprinkling some water so that we should offer Nawafil and worship of Allah the Exalted -- pay the right which is of Allah the Exalted.


How he (s.a.w.) would pay rights of his family….. He would give helping hand in the works which were of wives’. Hazrat Aisha (r.a.) said, the time he (s.a.w.) would be at home, he remained busy in helping and serving family till he was called for Salaat and he would to mosque.


This is the model which we have to follow, and should follow, not to adopt such attitude with wives which is akin to oppression.


Hazrat Aisha (r.a.) mentions details of his (s.a.w.) domestic works: He (s.a.w.) would sew his dress, stitch shoes and repair bucket etc.


By keeping these models in view, many husbands should make self-accountability and pay attention whether if they have these attitudes in homes.


Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) told Companions (r.a.) about duties of husband [tradition narrated by Hazrat Abu Hurairah (r.a.)] that Perfect in Eman is the one whose morals are the best and the best among you moral-wise is the one who is good for his ladies.


Everyone who does not do good behavior with his wives, should make self review since practicing good morals and good behavior with wives is not only apparent moral. Rather he said, it is the sign of elevation of Eman.


Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) mentions duties of husband and good conduct with wives, he (a.s.) said that Except fohasha [abomination, indecency, obscenity], all weaknesses-in-morals and bitter-nesses of women should be borne. We consider it complete shamelessness that, being man, to fight with woman. We are made man by God and it is actually completion of bounty for us. Thankfulness for this is that we should behave with women with courtesy and kindness.


Once a member’s harsh-temperedness and ill-talk was mentioned that he treats his wife with rudeness. Hazrat Promised Messiah (a.s.) became very sad with this thing. He said: Our friends should not be like this…….[The narrator wrote that] After that Huzur (a.s.) talked for a long time about good living with women and at the end he (a.s.) said: My state is that once I spoke loud to my wife and I felt that loud voice was mixed with sorrow of heart. Except it, I did not utter any harsh sentence. Despite that, I continued to say a lot of Istighfar and offered Nawafil with a lot of humbleness, and offered some charity, that this harshness to spouse is due to any hidden wrongness against God.


This is the model of Hazrat Promised Messiah (a.s.). He expressed his deep concern and pain when a friend acted harshly. He (a.s.) advised that the people who quarrel and hit wives for little matters, these people should come in senses….Those who wound wives, they have to think seriously. According to Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) the Eman of these people is not perfect….They should be worried about their Eman…..Due to this saying of Holy Prophet (s.a.w.), Hazrat Promised Messiah (a.s.) was worried if someone does not have those high levels of Eman he can stumble over at many places.


Apparently, these things seems small, but these are not small. In the advanced countries matters reach to police, then Jama'at gets ill repute. Such people get worldly punishment and displeasure of Allah the Exalted…….Some husband say, wife has this and that weakness that is why he has to be strict. Men should make self reviews from this angle first. Do they fulfill the standard of deen?


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[DawudTalut]

Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) advises such husbands: Husband, if, not righteous then how can wife be virtuous [first condition is that man should be virtuous then his wife would be so]. Yes if husband himself become virtuous then the wife can become virtuous too. Wife should not be advised by words, but if advice is given by deed, it make effect. [do not merely advise with talks and harsh words]. But prove with your act that you are virtuous and each of your step follows directives of God the Exalted. [the advise with deed is effective]. Wife at one side, who else is there who agrees with one. If husband has any wickedness and defect in him, wife is his all time witness. The person who himself is not afraid of God, how his wife will have His fear? Neither the lecture of such clergies makes effect nor of husband. In every situation, practical model make effect…..When husband prays by repeatedly waking at night, weeps, wife will see for one or two days, eventual ly thought will come to her, and she will be impressed surely……. Ability of getting impressed in woman is a lot. No school too can suffice for their reform as much husband’s practical model is sufficient. [for reform of women, husbands should make their own reform with their practical model]……God has said husband and wife are one being. It is oppression by husbands that they given such opportunity to wives that they catch their defect. They should do that they should never give such opportunity to wives that they may say he does such an evil. [The person should be so much clean and pure that] the wife should get tired by repeated tries but she should not able to find any evil. Then at that time she considers about practicing deen and she understands deen.[In state that despite effort, no evil is seen in husband, then the attention of wife will be drawn to deen even if she does not practice deen.]


Some women are more practicing deen, they complaint their husband does not pay attention to deen.


On one hand, Hazrat Promised Messiah (a.s.) has these expectation from those men who came in his Bai'at. On the other side, we see that there are many men, women bring their complaints that they are lazy about Salaat. Salaat in congregation is far, they even do not offer Salaat at home. Knowledge of religion of men is weak. In offering Chandas (alms) men of several houses are weak. Complaints about watching nonsense and indecent programs are of men. Not paying attention to train children is of men. If they try to be head of family i.e. father, they do nothing except yelling and beating.


In many homes, instead of women learning from men, women teach men or draw their attention so that children should not go astray.


Where the children are victims of non-training, there the common reason is father not paying attention or useless strictness to wife and children. Some children too complain, when they meet Hazrat Khalifatul Messiah V (a.t.) that their father’s treatment to them or their mother is not good.


So if houses have to be made peaceful, if training of children is to be done, and they have to be keep connected with deen then men have to pay attention to their conditions.


Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) draws attention of men: Man is the imam of his house, so if he establishes bad impression, then expectation of how much bad impression is there, [if bad effect is taking place due to his act then bad effect will continue to exist in generations]. Man should use his powers at right place and allowed occasion. For example there is a power of rage, when it exceeds balance, it is start of madness. There is very little difference between madness and it. The man who is full of rage, fountain of wisdom is siezed from him. Rather if there is an opponent, one should not speak to him subdued by the rage. [not to others, one should not even speak like this with opponents].


Thus it is the standard regarding being angry with wife and children in home. Leaving this anger aside, even an opponent should not be talked with anger and without wisdom. To reject words of opponent, dirty and full of anger words should not come from the mouth of a believer.


As it is already mentioned, women write from India and Pakistan about oppression of their husbands, at both places Nizarat e Islah wa Irshad and auxiliaries should pay attention to it. And in rest of the world too, more attention should be given to the program of training of selves. Doing Tabligh and learning religious matters but if there is unrest in homes, then there is no benefit of all this knowledge and Tabligh.


Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) mentions about the psychology of wife and how she sees husband: The wife sees all matters and traits of husband. She sees, in my husband, such and such qualities of Taqwa are present in my husband as generosity, kindness, patience [as she get chance to judge him at home daily, none else can]. That is why wife is called Sariq (stealer) because she continues to steal morals silently till she gets whole moral at a time.


He (a.s.) said that it is mentioned about a man who became Christian [leaving Islam], his wife too became Christian with him. She started drinking wine etc at first then gave up Covering, she began to meet others. After sometime, husband returned to Islam [realized mistake]. He asked wife too to become Muslim with him. She said now it is difficult for her to become muslim. These acquired habits of drinking etc and freedom cannot be left.


It is an extreme that husband left Islam, and adopted Christianity. But there are many men who do not leave Islam. They remain connected with Islam only by name. They call themselves Muslims but get involved in many wrong doings in the name of freedom as mentioned earlier. Then by seeing them or due to husband’s demand, wives too get molded in that environment in the name of freedom. After some time, husband think that wife has become too much liberal, and when he tries to bring her back from that freedom, quarrels and beatings begin. These things and events happen here too, police immediately come in between, and organizations of rights of women and children get involved too. Houses break, and children are ruined.


Before houses are destroyed and children are ruined, such men should understand their responsibilities which are placed at them by Deen, appointed by Islam.



Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) said about rights of women and behavior with them: As Islam has protected rights of women, other religion has not done like it absolutely. Said in short words, “wa lahunna mithlullazi alaihinna” i.e as rights of men are over women, similarly rights of women are over men….. The condition of some people is heard that they consider these helpless (women) as shoes of feet and get the lowest services from them, call them names, look down on them, and apply the commandment of Covering in such unpermitted way that (as) they dig them live in grave. [such rigidity in covering of hands and face applied that even the breathing by women become difficult. Such strictness should not be done. Islam is very compact religion. On the other hand, women too should be balanced they should not get more than essential liberty in the name of ease in Covering. It is seen that some have become liberal more than more than needed. Their Covering is left just for name, it is wrong too. So women should remember that is essential to cover head and body by fulfilling demands of modesty. It is commandment of Allah. It should be observed.]


What should be the level of connection of husband and wife. In this regard Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) said: It should be so that connection of husbands with wives should be such that as it is of two true and real friends. The first witness of person’s high morals and connection with God are these women. If their relations with them (women) are not good then how it is possible that peace with God the Exalted exist.[if relations in home are not right then it is not possible there is peace in home and directive of Allah are practiced]….. Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) said that “khairokum khairokum leahlehi” i.e. Good among you is whom who is good for his ahl (family).


Thus it is the standard which each man should achieve.


It is needed to understand about the responsibility of men as father. Do not consider that it is responsibility of mother to train child. No doubt, till an age, time of child is spent with mother. And training given by mother, in very young age plays very important role in training of child but it does make men free from their duties. Fathers too should play their role in training of children especially when boys reach age 7 or 8, after that they become needy of fathers’ eyes and attention. Otherwise, especially in this western environment there are more chances for children to get spoiled. Here too that principle will be applied which has been mentioned in the case of women that men, the fathers, need to show and establish their model. Fathers need to respect children so that their morals become good. In addition to that they need to keep sharp eye on them too so that they remain safe from bad effects of society.


The connection of fathers with children give children a feeling of security. Many fathers complain about attitudes of children that hesitation or lack of confidence is developed in them or they are giving more wrong statements. When fathers are said to be closer to children and make personal and friendly connection with them, then it is mostly seen that child’s weakness begins to decrease. To bring feeling of security in children from external environment, it is essential that fathers should spend some time with children outside.


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[DawudTalut]

It is responsibility of fathers that in addition to paying attention to practical training of children, they should pay attention to pray for them too. It is essential that they should pay attention to children’s training of deen. The real fruits of training come by the favour of Allah the Exalted but person must do personal effort.


About methods of training and drawing attention to do prays for children, Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) says: Guidance and real training is the act of God. Severe chasing and crossing limit to insist on a matter, that is to say, to stop and obstruct children at everything shows as if we are the master of guidance and we shall bring it at a path according to our pleasure. It is a kind of hidden Shirk. Our Jama'at should avoid it.


He (a.s.) said about himself: We pray for our children, and manage generally (they) follow rules and etiquettes of teaching. So not more than it and the we fully trust Allah the Exalted. As one has the kind of seed, accordingly it will grow green at its time.


So we should remember, when Hazrat Promised Messiah (a.s.) says, we pray, the quality of those prays is very high. It should not be considered petty. To achieve these standards of prays we need to do a lot of struggle. It is not trivial, that is why fathers should pay attention to it.


As father, how and how much attention should be paid for the training of children, Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) says about it in detail: Some people think it too that some wealth should be left for children. I am surprised that thought of leaving wealth come to them but this thought does not come that they should worry that children should be virtuous not evil doer. But neither this idea come not it is cared about. Sometimes such people gather wealth for children, and do not worry and care about ability of children. In their very life, they are grieved by the hands of children and fall in difficulties due to their bad characters. And the wealth, they had gathered, God knows, with what tricks and methods, is eventually spent in drinking alcohol and indecencies. And those children are heir of mischief and evil-living for such parents……… The trial due to children is very big trial. If children are virtuous then, about what there can be worry. God the Exalted Himself says “wa howa yatawal lassaleheen” i.e. Allah the Exalted is caretaker and undertaker of His virtuous people. If they are unfortunate, even leave wealth of hundreds of thousand, eventually they will become poor by destroying it in indecencies and they shall fall in troubles and difficulties which are compulsory for them……The person who makes his opinion united with opinion and desire of God the Exalted, he becomes satisfied from the side of children. And that is like it, that he should make effort to their ability, and do prays. [in this state Allah the Exalted Himslef will take care of children – to make effort for their ability means to make lot of effort for their training]…….. There is saying of Hazrat Daud that I was a child, grew adult and now have become old. I have never seen a righteous in condition that he is troubled with lack of Rizq (sustenance), and have not seen his children begging for pieces of bread. Allah the Exalted takes care till many progenies….So be virtuous in self and become a good model of goodness and Taqwa for your children.


The matter is that, to pay rights of children, one has to mold one’s condition according to teaching of Islam. And only then next generation will walk on right path, and will become coolness of eyes for parents.


Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) said: Be virtuous in self and become a good model of goodness and Taqwa for your children. And do effort and pray to make them virtuous and practitioner of Deen. As make effort you do to gather wealth for them, do that much effort in this matter…….Do that work which the best model and lesson for children. And for it , it is essential that first of all, reform yourself. If you will become virtuous and avoider of evil of high standard and will please God the Exalted then, it is sure that Allah the Exalted will do good dealing with your children too.


As Islam tells fathers to pay attention to training of your children and pray for them, Islam commands children too that you have some obligation too. When you become adult, your parents have some rights over you, you have to pay these.


These are chain-links of rights of relations, by mutual linking they create peaceful society. How much great responsibility is there to pay rights of parents and how much this is important, every believer should have its understanding. When a boy become adult, how he has to pay right of parents. Explaining it Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) said at an occasion: It is narrated by Abdallah bin Amr (r.a.) that a person pleaded to Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) that I want to go for Jihad. He (s.a.w.) asked, Are your parents alive. The person said yes they are alive. He (s.a.w.) said, Serve both of them, it is your Jihad.


So the importance of serving parents can be learned from this.


Not only this, Holy Prophet (s.a.w.) said to do good conduct with friends of father to spread mutual love and affection…..He (s.a.w.) said on an occasion that the best virtue by human is that he should do good conduct with friends of his father and his father has died.


Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) further explained it: Abu Usedis Saedi (r.a.) narrated: We were present in the service of Holy Prophet (s.a.w.). A person from Bani Salmah came, and asked O Messnger of Allah, is there any virtue which I can do for them, after the death of parents. He (s.a.w.) said why not, you should pray for them, seek forgiveness for them, fulfill those promises which they had made with anyone, do mercy and good conduct with their dears and relatives as they used to do in their lives, and treat their friends respectfully.


On an occasion, Holy Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be on him) said the one who wants to have long life, and his sustenance is made enhance, he should do good conduct with his parents and blood relations.


Thus children are not only to enjoy parental love. After reaching adulthood they too have some obligations. And they have to pay rights of parents too. Specially after marriages, it is essential to pay attention to these obligations. If person, with wisdom, pay rights of wife and serve parents, and wisely make the wife feel about the importance of parents-in-law, and himself too knows the importance of his parents-in-law, then discords in house would never take place, which sometimes develop.


Sometimes, difference take place among fathers and sons due to difference of deen. Some new Bai'at doers ask this question….. In this situation sons should do good conduct and service fathers. Once during the travel of Batala, Hazrat Promised Messiah (a.s.) was asking about father [non-Musim] of Sheikh Abdur Rehman sahib. After that he (a.s.) advised him, Do pray for him. Make effort to keep heart of parents happy and convince them the truth of Islam by showing thousand times more morals and your purity. Moral model is such a miracle, other miracles cannot be equal to it. The standard of true Islam is that human gets high morals due to it, and he become a distinguished person. Perhaps God the Exalted may put love for Islam by you. Islam does not stop serving parents. In worldly matters, by which deen in not hindered, they should be obeyed in all manners. Serve them with heart and life.


It is general principle in Tabligh, soft language and high morals should be used.


There is another event, Hazrat Promised Messiah (a.s.) gave detailed answer, here father is Muslim too. A person asked question that O Hazrat Allah the Exalted has made obligation to obey and to serve parents but my parents very much unhappy with me because I joined the movement of Bait of Huzur, even they do not want to see my face. Thus when I was about to come for Bai'at of Huzur, they told me not to write letter to them and now we do not like to see your face. Now how can I practice this divine obligation ? [Allah the Exalted said serve parents, thet do not want to see my face, how do I do this obligatory service]


Hazrat Promised Messiah (on whom be peace) said: Holy Quran where orders to serve and obey parents, there it says too “ rabbokum a’lamo bemaa fi nofusekum in takunu salehina fainnahu lil awwabina ghafura” i.e. Allah the Exalted well knows what is in your hearts, if you are saleh, He is Ghafur for those who bow to Him. The Companions (r.a.) too faced such difficulties that due to religious restrictions, they differed with their parents. Anyway, you from your side, should be always ready for their well being and care taking. When there is chance, do not lose it. The reward of your intention will reach you. If you have to get separation form parents only for deen and to give priority to pleasure of Allah the Exalted, then it is a limitation. Keep reform in view. Keep intention healthy and continue to pray in their favour. This matter is not faced today newly. Similar matter was faced by Hazrat Ibrahim (a.s.). Anyway, the right of God is superior, so give priority to God the Exalted and continue to do effort to pay rights of parents from your side and continue to pray in their favour. And keep the intention healthy.


So many people who today too ask this question, how should they fulfill obligation to parents in such conditions, for them this answer is enough.


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[DawudTalut]

The man, in his various facets, should make effort to fulfill his responsibilities. He should make house such model where air of love and affection always exist. A man is husband, father and a son too. In this regard, he should understand his responsibilities. Men have many other facets too but these three are mentioned so that peace should exist in basic unit, the house, which leads to peace in society. And there should be maximum effort to make it beautiful. May Allah the Exalted enable everyone to do so. [Aameen]

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Reference: Based on Friday sermon (May 19, 2017) by Hazrat Khalifatul Messiah V (may Allah help him with His Mighty Help) , UK, alislam.org -- mta.tv