Runt
Well-Known Member
No original source listed...
God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working orderand with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
___ NoIf not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to **** off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, by which false godwere you fooled? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in additionto God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Other:___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve thebalanced level of felt presence and blind faith.Which would you prefer? (circle one)
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know ... What's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 his handling of the following(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
disasters: 1 2 3 4 5
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
Corporate Ownership 1 2 3 4 5
Jerry Lewis 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving thequality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of ourconveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31, you will be entered inthe "One Free Miracle of Your Choice" drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^23, depending on number of beings entered).
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working orderand with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes
___ NoIf not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus on whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to **** off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, by which false godwere you fooled? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in additionto God? Please check all that apply.
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Ann Landers
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
___ Human sacrifice
___ Pyramids
___ Other:___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve thebalanced level of felt presence and blind faith.Which would you prefer? (circle one)
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know ... What's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 his handling of the following(1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
disasters: 1 2 3 4 5
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
Corporate Ownership 1 2 3 4 5
Jerry Lewis 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving thequality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of ourconveniently located drop-off boxes by December 31, you will be entered inthe "One Free Miracle of Your Choice" drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^23, depending on number of beings entered).
