I can relate to much of what you say, but I have not abandoned my faith. I too was raised in a Baptist church and cannot for the life of me harmonize the teachings of Jesus with the things written in say the book of Judges where you had one so called man of God actually offer up his virgin daughter as a burnt offering to God, not to mention the ISIS type tactics that the Hebrew people used against the native people of the promised land as well as even their own people. My church has lately been studying the book of Judges and I just feel very bad after reading the barbaric acts committed against people in Gods name. I don't believe that God intended for things to be that way, in fact Jesus preached compassion and "you who are without sin cast the first stone." So yes I have similar feelings concerning some things in the Old Testament.Growing up as a Baptist and spending 30 years in that religion/denomination, I did a lot of Bible study sessions, but it was not until I was in my 30s and I really started paying attention to what was actually written in the Bible, that I drifted away from my upbringing and eventually walking the path of the deist. These are some of the things that after reading them, I became further removed from my childhood religion:
All of these things are found in the OT and they were all SUPPOSEDLY ordered by God. First born animals and children were to be sacrificed as a burnt offering. Slavery was encouraged and there were laws that governed its practice. When the Israelites conquered a city, they murdered every man, woman and child in it. Virgin girls were kidnapped, taken as wives and forcefully raped.
As an adult, when I actually understood what those things were and how heinous and immoral they were, to go back and re-read the Bible and see them throughout the OT, I could not help but drift away. Hell, I am a cop (CSI) and help send people to prison for doing those things.
It really gripes me to read about ancient priests and how they lived. "God" demands a 10% tribute (tithe), payable to the priesthood. There was to be a weekly feast prepared a certain way and with the best morsels, also given to the priesthood. The priests did not work in the fields or tend to the flocks...they sat around in their shaded tents and lived an easy, rich life. It was the biggest con game of its time...and proliferates to this very day.
I have always said that the god of the OT and the god of the NT seem to be two different individuals.
"Bow down before me! Tremble before me! Fear me! You will burn in hell!" That sounds more like the directives of a diabolical, self righteous dictator than it does a benevolent, loving deity.
That is one of the bigger reasons why I am a deist. Deism, as a theological concept, denies the drivel found in the OT as being divinely inspired. We can clearly see where it was a person, or group of people, that were using religion and the threat of divine wrath to live a fat, easy life. There was a reason only the priests could go inside the temple...they did not want their secret to get out!