Giving up on dating (why women are difficult to date today)

[oldbadger]

Thanks but no luck needed, I'm taking a break from dating and working on my career.

What do you do?

 

[Dan From Smithville]

I said only to consider one's own role in the problem.
But as every man knows, all women are crazy.

At least three crazy, baseline.

 

[Dan From Smithville]

Somehow, I'm a girl, so I'll give some thoughts. I tend to prefer women but I like men too and when I fall, I fall hard and fast. That said, here goes:

In my experience I need (or in some cases don't) these things to fall for a bloke:

• To feel vulnerable. I need him to make me feel in a way less than him because when I feel I'm his match, so to speak, I am made to think I may as well go forward in life on my own because I don't need him. What can he do that I can't do myself? How can he protect me if a murderous rapist breaks into our house? I'm not saying this in terms of physical requirements at all, but in terms of mental ones. How mature and mentally prepared is he to deal with difficult, stressful situations with which I can't? So is he naturally confident and does he make me want to submit to his natural authority?
• Is he a go getter? Or does he just talk about video games and imaginary politics all day? If his main interest is the next comic-con and he's 21+ but knows next to nothing about real world issues then I don't even give him a chance. He doesn't need to be working, but showing that he's not content not to work either.
• Are we sexually compatible? Is he a dom who is going to be in charge in bed, with a playfully sadistic bent, who makes me want to sexually submit to him? If not, he can have everything else on this list and still be crossed-off. Sexual attraction and compatibility is always a priority for anyone, male or female.
• Is he trying too hard to pursue me? This always comes off as desperate and needy before he even knows me, and it's just cringeworthy. In fact, every man I've ever fallen for has had near to no sexual or romantic interest in me whatsoever and I find that much easier to deal with and it makes me feel less uncomfortable. If he's constantly trying to impress me by talking about all his accomplishments and buying me stuff, I will quickly turn away. If he shows me his accomplishments and asks me if I want things, I'll draw closer.
• Has he opinions? Or is it, 'whatever makes you happy'? If he's not prepared to discuss his real opinions with me, or anyone, and instead defaults to trying to keep things palatable I'll walk away. Similarly, if his opinions are basically non-existent by way of having little to no interest in religion or politics, he also gets ****ed off. I need him to show that he's alright having a debate with me and doesn't need us to agree on everything all the time, because that's setting up the relationship to fail with unreasonable expectations as well as setting a precedent never to share anything serious with me.
• Does he let me do all the talking while he sits there smitten? Please, blokes, do you realise how terrible this looks and how awkward it makes things? This goes back to point 1, essentially - take some control and have a real conversation about actual things that aren't how pretty I am and what your favourite car is.
• Don't touch me. I mean it. No arms around shoulders, no hugs, no kisses. Do. Not. Touch. Me. Until. We. Are. In. A. Relationship.

Are number 3 and number 7 compatible pre-requisites? They seem to me to be at odds in some way.

 

[oldbadger]

I think he said the same thing you quoted...

Yes. It helps to repeat stuff back to some folks.

again me dating is not the issue, the issue is the quality of the person.

They probably think you're a total fail, mate. Honest, as soon as your mindset starts considering how worthy a woman is they'll start checking you out, and they'll see all the stuff that you can't.

You see, we all put our best foot forward when we meet new people, but once the "fog of war" is removed, I realized that this person may have certain emotional issues that they haven't fixed.

They are humans.
Humans all have emotional issues.
You have emotional issues. That's obvious from reading some of your posts.

You don';t realize how many women in California at least walk around thinking they got over their last boyfriend/husband only to meet someone new and many rehash these feelings.

If you can't listen to a person's sadnesses then you'd better stay home, which is what you're going to do which is a really good idea for now.

There are women seriously convinced they don't have issues simply because they're not thinking about the last guy, but they don't realize it's not about thinking about the last guy that doesn't make you completely healed, it's what you do in the present.

You ain't healed yourself!
You ain't!

You seem to think that you are the balanced foundation of emotional stability, but I'll bet that you just want women to be and do what will serve your body and ego best.
But it's not just men that can be like this. A colleague of my wife's has many boyfriends; they very soon move in with her and get called 'her partner' and she speaks of each one as if her life's love. The relationship is very close until 'one day' the man says or does something that shows that he is settling in to the humdrum of a life together (like couples up and down the road) and lickety-split she dumps him, because she needs the excitement of the courting and romance, not considering how many toilet-rolls they need for a week.

But anyway, I really want to know:-
How would you describe your ideal perfect partner?
..... if you were looking, that is, which you're not.

Bachground?
Mindset?
Education?
Phisique?
Hobbies/sports/pastimes?
Culture?
Beliefs?
Politics?
Dress sense?
etc....

Who is this perfect woman, and why the hell would she be interested in you? My Missus reckons the smart females are dodging you like when at the fairground.

 

[oldbadger]

Are number 3 and number 7 compatible pre-requisites? They seem to me to be at odds in some way.

Bullseye!
The 'We need to be sexually compatible' and the 'Don't touch me!' sections of the contract just bust it all up.

And I'll bet that 'Don't touch me' folks can bust their own rules 'cos just love being held, kissed, and maybe more....... by the right person.

 

[Dan From Smithville]

Bullseye!
The 'We need to be sexually compatible' and the 'Don't touch me!' sections of the contract just bust it all up.

And I'll bet that 'Don't touch me' folks can bust their own rules 'cos just love being held, kissed, and maybe more....... by the right person.

I respect and abide by a person's personal space. But touching is a part of human interaction and not every touch is suggestive or an invasion. Some is not even sexual or a sexual overture. Small attempts may be how one person determines if they are going too far into another's space. Personally, I like those small gestures when a woman touches my arm or shoulder while we are talking. It is positive, but I don't read it as 'she's ready' either. That type of social touching is common with women without meaning anything sexual, but I can still appreciate and enjoy it none-the-less.

That is not so much what confuses me about this. Some space on early encounters is not unusual nor necessarily unwarranted. It just seems like a very marked dichotomy between point 7 and point 3 in light of point 3. I wonder if it is more about the assumption of familiarity prior to actually getting to know each other. I can see where a preemptive expression of that behavior in a man might send a signal to a woman that he may have some very different expectations about where things are going to go and how quickly he thinks they might get there.

 

[Epic Beard Man]

You do not know jack about women and the sooner you accept that fact, the better for you. You know so little that you can't even get a date, but you think -- you think -- you know enough to pronounce exactly why you can't get a date. Has it occurred to you just how crazy that sounds?

I used to like you, I used to respect you, but then you came out swinging against women like some Incel.

The fact that I read your post as if you stuttered I'm going to come back to you later on. Out of respect for you because Sunstone I respect you especially as someone willing to help with me resume I'm going to make my response private and not here. You're still good with me though cause I still respect you

 

[Epic Beard Man]

And at what point are men going to take at least some responsibility for creating the current situation. All good questions. I don't know.

The whataboutism is cool but doesn't address the issue

 

[Epic Beard Man]

What do you do?

I'm a clinician I deal with psychiatric patients for a living at a hospital. I spend 12 hours a day talking to people with problems.

 

[Rival]

Are number 3 and number 7 compatible pre-requisites? They seem to me to be at odds in some way.

I have to know he's my type in bed. Masochists and sadists can usually sniff each other out with no sexual intimacy because we tend to behave in certain ways. Or just, you know, ask. I can talk about my sexual fantasies with ease and just assumed that is what most people do before having sex so they know what the other wants and is into.

Him touching me before we are in a relationship is not on. That is what I'm saying.

 

[Revoltingest]

There is a difference between us because my wife and I love each other and accommodate each other.

Aye, the Pa Taitai Club member's way.

 

[sun rise]

Aye, the Pa Taitai Club member's way.

You can call it whatever you like, of course. But after 50 years with most of them being happy, I'll "keep on keeping on".

 

[Revoltingest]

You can call it whatever you like.....

Mrs Revolt's uncle founded & named the club.
No need to rename it.

 

[Stevicus]

I realize many of the people on these forums are a lot older than me and are married with grand children, but when I speak on my experiences I'm referencing what I've experienced and by no means what I say is universal to the experiences of others or women who've I never met. When I say dating sucks, it really does suck. In some small way I understand why some men create groups like MGTOW or create Incel groups. I think with the advent of technology such as social media, human beings are increasingly less inclined to mentally know their partner or value relationships. But I also think the standards in how we value each other have changed and have become unfair. Although celebrity relationships aren't necessarily reflective on everyday relationships, I do feel women like Miley Cyrus a self declared pan-sexual who married Liam Hemsworth, on social media kissing another woman and in response to her split have the audacity to have these care free quotes about being yourself. I see this everyday in the women I meet. It's like how do you get involved in a serious marriage, split, then take pictures as if you are living a care free life although knowing the other person you married is hurt? I heard some people say that women today are acting like men which is really not something I find even fair to us men because many of us don't behave like that.

I really feel like it really is unfair to some men when it comes to the dating pool because now the standards of courting has shifted. I'm always bombarded with women who feel the need to value my manhood based on their own unrealistic standards. For example, a woman doesn't have to have a car, but a man does. A woman can live at home with her parents, but a man shouldn't. A woman doesn't have to work and be on government assistance, but a man shouldn't. In my dating experience I've dated the car less, house less, job less, and even the immature. I think I've compromised certain values I hold dear all because I want to overlook my own values to get to know the person. But it not only has damaged my perspective of dating but I'm increasingly realizing that mentally there are a lot of women that don't have their s**** together mentally.

Now, I'm not making a universal judgment but simply based on what I've encountered, there are far too many women who are mentally damaged by their last relationship, and unfortunately tend to view men who they've encountered, and unconsciously judge the present man based on the last man. I was told by a friend of mine to "not look and let them come to you" but in those types of truisms I don't see how me intentionally not searching for something makes something come to me and even if that is true is it compatible? I swear nowadays women want a man that is 6'6 making six figures with a 12 inch member. These unrealistic standards women have, and women not being honest with themselves is really making the dating pool hard

I've seen some of those MGTOW sites and things like "The Red Pill." They come across as rather toxic to a large degree. There are a lot of crappy people in the world, both male and female, and perhaps they kind of feed of each other.

I've also heard of WGTOW for women who are equally fed up with all the BS in the dating world.

There are others who go on "dating strikes" or "marriage strikes," and then there are those who search overseas for companionship. They're not against all women, just women in Western countries who they believe to be "spoiled," "entitled," etc., while also believing that women in non-Western countries are raised to better appreciate men and to take care of the men in their lives.

My own parents broke up when I was 6, and my father remarried when I was 16. I think I was put off on the idea of marriage at an early age. It just seemed a pointless exercise in futility.

 

[sun rise]

My own parents broke up when I was 6, and my father remarried when I was 16. I think I was put off on the idea of marriage at an early age. It just seemed a pointless exercise in futility.

Personal experience counts for a lot.

Both my parents and my wife's parents stayed married mostly happily. So my wife & I expected to have the same outcome. It took a lot of work for the first few years, but both of us were supremely stubborn and refused to give up until we had ground down the very rough edges of our relationship. It was red-hot fiery for a while but it was worth it.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I remember one of my best relationships. It was pretty great and I was happier with her. But I ended up leaving her because she couldn't get along with my family. Maybe her and I should have just moved far away together.

 

[Dan From Smithville]

I have to know he's my type in bed. Masochists and sadists can usually sniff each other out with no sexual intimacy because we tend to behave in certain ways. Or just, you know, ask. I can talk about my sexual fantasies with ease and just assumed that is what most people do before having sex so they know what the other wants and is into.

Revelations of sexual fantasies isn't something I lead with. For later dates, after we know each other bit better. I don't want to scare them off right out of the gate.

I have yet to hear a woman's sexual fantasies that compare with the depravity of a man's, but I have not heard them all.

Him touching me before we are in a relationship is not on. That is what I'm saying.

This was just clarification for me. I was just curious how your rules fit together and not calling you out on them. Curiosity may kill me regularly, but I am not suicidal.

 

[Epic Beard Man]

I've seen some of those MGTOW sites and things like "The Red Pill." They come across as rather toxic to a large degree. There are a lot of crappy people in the world, both male and female, and perhaps they kind of feed of each other.

I've also heard of WGTOW for women who are equally fed up with all the BS in the dating world.

There are others who go on "dating strikes" or "marriage strikes," and then there are those who search overseas for companionship. They're not against all women, just women in Western countries who they believe to be "spoiled," "entitled," etc., while also believing that women in non-Western countries are raised to better appreciate men and to take care of the men in their lives.

My own parents broke up when I was 6, and my father remarried when I was 16. I think I was put off on the idea of marriage at an early age. It just seemed a pointless exercise in futility.

You know I don't know why people put much emphasis on me saying that I understand these types of groups. These men are no different than rap artists making music talking about "b**** aint sh**." When I say I understand why these groups form I'm talking about how men who come from a place where we are taught chivalry and respect can become hurt and bitter when used by a woman. Despite women being a historically discriminated demographic there are toxic women ought there who create cycles of pain because of their ow chemical and environmental imbalances.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

You know I don't know why people put much emphasis on me saying that I understand these types of groups. These men are no different than rap artists making music talking about "b**** aint sh**." When I say I understand why these groups form I'm talking about how men who come from a place where we are taught chivalry and respect can become hurt and bitter when used by a woman. Despite women being a historically discriminated demographic there are toxic women ought there who create cycles of pain because of their ow chemical and environmental imbalances.

I disagree. Really, the men you speak of, weren't taught well by their families if they think that as soon as they date, they will be in some fantasy land and not dating a real person with baggage.

 

[Epic Beard Man]

I disagree. Really, the men you speak of, weren't taught well by their families if they think that as soon as they date, they will be in some fantasy land and not dating a real person with baggage.

You don't know that? In fact I implore you to actually listen to the lyrics of this:

Spoiler: Viewer discretion is advised

If you listen to the lyrics it'll tell you how "nice guys" turn bitter after being hurt....If you get past the name of the song and actually listen to the lyrics. The same can be said about men who form these groups. Now, i'm sure you'll have pockets of men who have mental instability, but for me, and growing up in "the hood" you're taught to not respect females on the strength that women will use you. Some will create this self-fulfilling prophecy some don't, but more importantly the behavioral cycle that exist is there.