Giving condolences to religious people

[9-10ths_Penguin]

A friend's husband passed away recently. It brought to mind an issue I've wondered about in the past: what's the best way for an atheist to give condolences to a religious person who's lost someone close to them?

It seems awkward when a string of people say to a bereaved person "your family is in my thoughts and prayers", and then someone comes along and just says "your family is in my thoughts." How do you handle it?

I feel like a lot of the "standard" things that people say to people who have just lost a loved one are rooted in religion.

... or maybe I'm looking at this in the wrong way: yeah, it's a bit difficult to give a quick response that I don't have to put much thought into, but maybe putting thought into how I console a grieving person is a good thing.

 

[Koldo]

"I'm sorry for your loss." is pretty standard. But more importantly, whatever you say, say it like you mean it. And sometimes, a hug is far more meaningful than any words that could be uttered.

 

[Laika]

A friend's husband passed away recently. It brought to mind an issue I've wondered about in the past: what's the best way for an atheist to give condolences to a religious person who's lost someone close to them?

It seems awkward when a string of people say to a bereaved person "your family is in my thoughts and prayers", and then someone comes along and just says "your family is in my thoughts." How do you handle it?

I feel like a lot of the "standard" things that people say to people who have just lost a loved one are rooted in religion.

... or maybe I'm looking at this in the wrong way: yeah, it's a bit difficult to give a quick response that I don't have to put much thought into, but maybe putting thought into how I console a grieving person is a good thing.

I haven't been in this situation many times (thankfully) but the way I see it, words themselves may not be the most important thing we can offer. It is the fact you are there to offer support and sympathy and help them get passed the grief.

It is however, pretty awkward- as there is no sense cosmic sense of injustice (implying a deity figure) to mean death is something to apologise for even if it still emotionally difficult. Death happens and grieving is a natural response.

 

[Vinayaka]

This can vary some by religion and individual's personality too. It's always tough. Best wishes on doing something that helps the griever.

 

[McBell]

"I'm sorry for your loss." is pretty standard. But more importantly, whatever you say, say it like you mean it. And sometimes, a hug is far more meaningful than any words that could be uttered.

This is how I handle it.

My experience has been that merely acknowledging their loss is often more than enough.
And that with most people I know, words are not even required.

 

[jeager106]

A real newspaper article I read myself.

"The family of recently deceased John Doe wishes to thank the Church of_____________,
Reverend Smith, the Lions Club, and anyone else that had anything to do with
the death of my husband."

Must have been one heck of a murder conspiracy!

 

[lovesong]

I've often wondered the same thing, especially as someone with a lot of deeply religious family friends. An issue that's come up for me pretty often is whenever something bad happens, whether it's sickness, dept, loss, or just bad luck, the family friends will put a very religious spin on it, saying their faith is slipping or that they know god will handle it, I've even heard in the case of dept "well I trust god to get me out of it so I'm not thinking too much about it." What do we do in those cases? I always just end up giving them an awkward smile and laugh and moving the conversation along, but when someone who is deeply sick asks why god is doing this to her, and a friend in dept says god will fix it, "I'm sure you'll make a good recovery" and "you're gonna stay in dept if -you- don't fix it" aren't the best answer but they're the best I can give. Any advise?

 

[Smart_Guy]

I'm Muslim, and I accept any kind of condolences non Muslims would give to me as long as they feel honest and from the heart. I just personally would avoid giving my Islamic condolences, except for the part I think could overlap with the beliefs of the condoled (err, I mean who gets the condolences by that), to avoid any possible offense.

 

[tth1119]

I'm gonna jump in and be the realist. Why not just be honest? Why not just acknowledge what happened and tell your friend you are sorry. Are you going to really keep them in your thoughts? Probably not. Just don't say you will if not. Are you really gonna go on with your life and all of a sudden say "ohhh, I forgot to think about John (so and so who died), I said I would at his funeral, I better think about him now". No, not likely.

 

[Unveiled Artist]

A friend's husband passed away recently. It brought to mind an issue I've wondered about in the past: what's the best way for an atheist to give condolences to a religious person who's lost someone close to them?

It seems awkward when a string of people say to a bereaved person "your family is in my thoughts and prayers", and then someone comes along and just says "your family is in my thoughts." How do you handle it?

I feel like a lot of the "standard" things that people say to people who have just lost a loved one are rooted in religion.

... or maybe I'm looking at this in the wrong way: yeah, it's a bit difficult to give a quick response that I don't have to put much thought into, but maybe putting thought into how I console a grieving person is a good thing.

I don't know if this is your loss or someone you care for, regardless I'm sorry. When my grandmother passed three years ago, people were always saying "don't worry, she's in heaven now." They'd tell me "god will take care of her." and things of that nature.

I usually nod or say "I understand." Sometimes "that make's sense" (in respect that it makes sense to them) would do. Other times just a "Thank you" is good just so they acknowledge their concern without offending their gesture.

I honestly wish I can say "the spirits are guiding you" but here, I'd probably be crucified. Once in awhile, I'd say your family is taking care of you and leave it general. With general statements, acknowledge what the person says and, like many say here, mean it. Nod if it's just too religious to reply to. That most of the time sends a signal of "I understand, even though I don't share your belief, I respect the condolences you give me".

 

[Altfish]

"I'm sorry for your loss." or similar followed by something like, "Is there is anything I can do to help?"

Offering to do something always seems a lot more useful than saying you'll talk to your imaginary friend on their behalf.

 

[Twilight Hue]

A friend's husband passed away recently. It brought to mind an issue I've wondered about in the past: what's the best way for an atheist to give condolences to a religious person who's lost someone close to them?

It seems awkward when a string of people say to a bereaved person "your family is in my thoughts and prayers", and then someone comes along and just says "your family is in my thoughts." How do you handle it?

I feel like a lot of the "standard" things that people say to people who have just lost a loved one are rooted in religion.

... or maybe I'm looking at this in the wrong way: yeah, it's a bit difficult to give a quick response that I don't have to put much thought into, but maybe putting thought into how I console a grieving person is a good thing.

I would just be human and be mindfull if religion was brought up, I would nod and support their belief approvingly. A religious belief is certainly not going to change the scheme of things in the universe, so it's not something that needs to be center stage upon one's passing and during a time of mourning. Reality is adequate enough with support and understanding as being most appropriate.