Getting over betrayal

[!Fluffy!]

Apologies in advance for writing a book here. This is just sort of free form - it's been on my mind for a long time.

See, I had or thought I had a really good friend, we were very close for almost 12 years. One of the things I liked about our friendship was that we had a couple of pretty major disagreements and managed to get through them with a stronger friendship. I felt we could tell each other anything. Her husband and my husband were best friends too.

Then we did a very stupid thing and mixed business with friendship. In the end, we (my husband and I) have nothing more to do with them. Why? Not because of the money we lost, though that was a factor and there was outright theft involved (which just added to the feelings of betrayal). What hurt more than anything was to be told "I've been wanting to tell you this for years" followed by a hateful diatribe of abuse. As it turns out, we didn't really know them at all. They weren't the people we thought they were at all.

We kept giving them the benefit of the doubt. But when things got rough financially and the truth started to come out, she couldn't wait to tell me what she really thought about me and my husband all those years. We were shocked, and really, really hurt.

Rather than retaliate in kind, we chose at that point to leave the money on the table and walk away saying nothing. We could have filed a lawsuit, legitimately. We could have returned hate for hate. After all, we knew all the skeletons in the closet, all the little personality quirks and stuff - we all have them don't we? We all have failings. But we should in the end choose like Jesus to love people as they are rather than reminding them of who they are not. Even when they are not who we thought they were.

Of course we were hurt and angry and felt we were betrayed. But we didn't give in to the temptation (you don't know how hard it was to do that!!) to give voice to any of it and chose to let God handle the aftermath. The strength and peace we had through the whole thing didn't come from us, but from God. For a year now there has been no contact or apology, but we have forgiven them nevertheless - and that too came from God (we've learned a lot about forgiveness and have much more to learn I'm afraid). For that we have reason to be grateful.

We would have felt so much worse if we had engaged in anger, hate, and confrontation. Though it's hard to be silent while under attack there are some things you can say that can never be taken back. In that way we have nothing to regret, and we thank God for that.

In general - in a fight or confrontation - the less you say now in anger, the less you will have to regret later.

In general criticism in friendship is toxic. Most of us know our failings better than others do, and to have them pointed out doesn't do anything positive imho.

The problem is -- it seems like we have to KEEP on forgiving. Something will remind us, and a lot of those feelings come back. It's like an onion. We keep finding things that were done behind our backs, and find ourselves hurt again. It's like a ripple effect. Without going into all the details, we found out things that were done to our daughter and son in law, that they didn't want to tell us about. It's affected our family, our home, our finances.

And yet I sometimes miss the late night talks, the hours spent out on the deck watching the stars together, taking care of each other's kids and pets, sharing meals, all of it. I get sad all over again. It's crazy. Why can't I just let go -- why does this stuff keep coming up? We just want all of it to go away... yet what we keep being confronted with is another reason to forgive. We are so tired of this. Any thoughts or advice you can offer us would be much appreciated.

 

[fullyveiled muslimah]

And yet I sometimes miss the late night talks, the hours spent out on the deck watching the stars together, taking care of each other's kids and pets, sharing meals, all of it. I get sad all over again. It's crazy. Why can't I just let go -- why does this stuff keep coming up? We just want all of it to go away... yet what we keep being confronted with is another reason to forgive.

I don't know you sound like me a little bit. I been through a few rough ones let me tell you. Without getting into too much detail, I was told where to get off too after helping a certain individual for years sort out their marital problems. This person was always in need of food, which I had no problem to give. Always in need of some type, and if I could help them I would and never say a mumbling word to remind them of it. Once it was done it was done never to be said again. After they got on their feet and didn't need me anymore, I was all kinds of mf's and I never helped them once when they had problems. All kinds of stuff. You never really get over it all the way, you just kinda go one with life. You sound like me, when I say I love you then I love you. I don't play around with that word. It is serious to me, too bad others make it a game.

People are who they are, and as much as it hurts, it is best to see them for who they are eventually even if they did do damage on the way out of your life. You were better than me cuz old girl got a royal cursing out. I told her to kiss my soda cracker AND my acker backer baby. It didn't take away the pain though after all that. I sympathize with you on this. I don't have any friends because of stuff like this. I am already wary of people's intent and very introverted, so when somebody messes up its over. It is difficult to gain my trust and once breached it can never be regained even if I forgive it. Once I get to somebody I call a friend, and then I love them, there is nothing they can ask of me that I will not strive to give them. I will share with them all that I can even if I get the short end of the stick. I am left to think to myself, wow Hakima why are you so hateable? I don't know. Maybe I'll never know, but I know how it feels to be betrayed by those whom you loved and who you THOUGHT loved you back.

 

[EiNsTeiN]

First of all, I'm sorry for you....There is nothing worse than discovering a friend isn't actually a friend..

Second...What you did is something I would really do....
At this point of truth revealance, I prefer to leave the whole thing out rather than being stubborn and face it..

It's really wise what you did there, and it's an act you gotta be proud of..
Instead of raising up your negative energy, you two preferred to quit the whole thing...That looks wise to me..

And yet I sometimes miss the late night talks, the hours spent out on the deck watching the stars together, taking care of each other's kids and pets, sharing meals, all of it. I get sad all over again. It's crazy. Why can't I just let go -- why does this stuff keep coming up? We just want all of it to go away... yet what we keep being confronted with is another reason to forgive.

Well, I really feel you, cuz couple of weeks ago, I was betrayed too from a very close friend, and surprisingly, due to financial issues too!

I know you miss those good days...and I wont ask you not to...It's good to keep remembering good memories (for the sake of your happiness)
But remember how good it was to discover they weren't what you thought..
Imagine if kept on treating them as best friends..while they dont feel the same towards you..

It's good to reveal the truth...And I'm glad you discoverd this truth before going on furthur into this relation

Wish you luck in your life...And hey, take it as a rule or just a thought from a friend: Finantial issues always reveal who people really are..
It's disappointing to discover this fact about people

 

[Scuba Pete]

Rather than retaliate in kind, we chose at that point to leave the money on the table and walk away saying nothing.

You know, it's things like this that make you so endearing (no, not in a romantic way). That you have gone through all this and have CHOSEN to not hate is incredible!

May God bless you and keep you from all harm and all hurt.

Matthew 5:7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God. NIV

 

[!Fluffy!]

I don't know you sound like me a little bit. I been through a few rough ones let me tell you. Without getting into too much detail, I was told where to get off too after helping a certain individual for years sort out their marital problems. This person was always in need of food, which I had no problem to give. Always in need of some type, and if I could help them I would and never say a mumbling word to remind them of it. Once it was done it was done never to be said again. After they got on their feet and didn't need me anymore, I was all kinds of mf's and I never helped them once when they had problems. All kinds of stuff. You never really get over it all the way, you just kinda go one with life. You sound like me, when I say I love you then I love you. I don't play around with that word. It is serious to me, too bad others make it a game.

People are who they are, and as much as it hurts, it is best to see them for who they are eventually even if they did do damage on the way out of your life. You were better than me cuz old girl got a royal cursing out. I told her to kiss my soda cracker AND my acker backer baby. It didn't take away the pain though after all that. I sympathize with you on this. I don't have any friends because of stuff like this. I am already wary of people's intent and very introverted, so when somebody messes up its over. It is difficult to gain my trust and once breached it can never be regained even if I forgive it. Once I get to somebody I call a friend, and then I love them, there is nothing they can ask of me that I will not strive to give them. I will share with them all that I can even if I get the short end of the stick. I am left to think to myself, wow Hakima why are you so hateable? I don't know. Maybe I'll never know, but I know how it feels to be betrayed by those whom you loved and who you THOUGHT loved you back.

Thanks fvm, you've given me a lot to think about. You are right, we sound very much alike in that regard. I think you should give yourself more credit though and just realize like I have had to learn (again) the hard way that friendship can only go so far, and that to step over a certain line can mean the end of the friendship.

For one thing, everything was fine as long as I knew and respected the borders of friendship. I'm old enough to know it doesn't do well to expect more of people than they can deliver, and that you need to listen to that little voice and sometimes just go on gut instinct, which I chose to ignore "just this once".

Second, I knew how she could be when her back was to a wall, I had seen it before and I knew how her first response to anything that threatens her financial security is to attack. She has been insecure for so long, and like me raised two kids alone and she knows what it's like to do without. I think it has left her scarred, though.

But in the end none of it could justify saying the awful things she did, or them doing what they did together other than our friendship wasn't as valuable to them as it was to us.

I think much of this may be due to loneliness for female companionship -- when my sisters came out to visit it was like finding a part of myself that I didn't know was missing for so long. We went shopping and did each other's hair and all that girl stuff that's hard to do without, I cried so hard when they left!

I think rather than praying for her so much and seeking to forgive everything i would do better to remember how much fun it is to have a good friend and ask God to send me someone to hang out with. I actually learned a lot from the experience, and one thing I learned was not to turn my back on the things the past taught me so well... like don't mix business and friendship. I actually did apologize to her for that, and meant it sincerely. I told her if I had paid attention to what was right rather than what I hoped would be okay, none of it would have happened. I don't think she understood though.

I hope you find a good friend worthy of your time and friendship, fvm. I hope the same for me. If you were here in the neighborhood I would come pick you up and go to the mall! :yes:

God bless you for sharing,
!Fluffy!

 

[methylatedghosts]

The problem is -- it seems like we have to KEEP on forgiving. Something will remind us, and a lot of those feelings come back. It's like an onion. We keep finding things that were done behind our backs, and find ourselves hurt again. It's like a ripple effect. Without going into all the details, we found out things that were done to our daughter and son in law, that they didn't want to tell us about. It's affected our family, our home, our finances.

And yet I sometimes miss the late night talks, the hours spent out on the deck watching the stars together, taking care of each other's kids and pets, sharing meals, all of it. I get sad all over again. It's crazy. Why can't I just let go -- why does this stuff keep coming up? We just want all of it to go away... yet what we keep being confronted with is another reason to forgive. We are so tired of this. Any thoughts or advice you can offer us would be much appreciated.

I really feel for you - losing a friend in this way is hard. It's almost like a grieving process! And because of that, I'd say talk to people about how much you miss this particular friend of yours! Talk about the great times you had together and all the things you did! Avoid talking about the negatives - keep focused on why you miss this person being part of your life. I think maybe you will find that it becomes easier when you talk about it like this.

 

[!Fluffy!]

You know, it's things like this that make you so endearing (no, not in a romantic way). That you have gone through all this and have CHOSEN to not hate is incredible!

May God bless you and keep you from all harm and all hurt.

Matthew 5:7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God. NIV

Awesome.

Thank you for acting on God's behalf and blessing me with that post today - because it is exactly what I needed to hear. A light bulb went on, finally.

What could be a better way to rob a Christ follower of joy, than to make them feel guilty or sad or unresolved over a job well done? (Remember Dana Carvey on Church Chat - Saturday Night Live? -- hmmmm..)

all the little 'Gee, I could have done better, why didn't I see it coming, what is wrong with us', all of that is just another way to rob us of joy.

Nah, we just did what we were told, and in the end are better people for having gone through it and come out the other side knowing the truth. End of story.

Thanks everybody for your sweet kindness today, little !Fluffy! was in need. You are all a blessing to me.

 

[!Fluffy!]

I really feel for you - losing a friend in this way is hard. It's almost like a grieving process! And because of that, I'd say talk to people about how much you miss this particular friend of yours! Talk about the great times you had together and all the things you did! Avoid talking about the negatives - keep focused on why you miss this person being part of your life. I think maybe you will find that it becomes easier when you talk about it like this.

you're so right about that, it is a grieving process and i didn't think of it that way in all the digging out of the mess we had to go through - it kept us really busy for months. when ppl brought it up we'd just say hey it's over, we don't want to talk about it. Also there's the thing of not wanting to burden others with your sadness, you know?

Maybe this post is part of the process though, and has been verrry cathartic for me and helped me to unburden a little. I think it's time I do the same for my husband too. I'm very proud of him for having handled everything so well, but I know he misses his friend too. Enough time has passed maybe he will want to open up and we can talk about what we miss, instead of just rehashing "the incident".

thank you all again for your posts, you don't know how much this has meant to me.

gratefully,
!Fluffy!

 

[lunamoth]

Hugs !Fluffly!, what an ordeal. I am sorry that you've had such a heartache, and you have responded admirably. :yes:

I was caught by your sentence, "it seems like we have to KEEP forgiving..." Isn't that the truth though! Even without the restimulation of having the other shoe drop...and the other...and the other, it is hard to forgive and hand it completely over to God. We keep taking it back. IMO, it's a process, and each time we hand it back we can leave it in God's hands a bit longer and longer, until it finally stays there.

As for the torrent of abuse your friend let lose once the relationship dam broke, one thing to keep in mind it that she probably was not harboring ill will for you all those years, even if she did let loose with all her stored up complaints. Even the best of friends irritate each other, but we learn to live with these things and overlook them, even if we don't really forget them. Then, when hurting (or in this case it sounds more like shame on her part), all those little complaints and irritations seem a lot bigger and they can be used like poisoned arrows. I guess I'm just saying...yes, you've been hurt and betrayed, but perhaps you don't have to think that they really were just using you all those years.

Thank you for sharing your story.

luna

 

[Quagmire]

That sucks Fluffy .

I've gotten a few sudden shocks like that in my own life and I've had to spend quite a bit of time trying to understand what all was behind these sudden explosions of venom from someone you thought you were on good terms with (especially when it's someone you've helped).

Some things I've come to believe about situations like this;

1.) If someone owes you money they start to look at you differently; You come to represent personal failure or weakness on their part. They also come to see you and their debt to you as one more hurdle between them and self-suffiency.

2.) If someone's dependant on you, same thing, except that added to that you have their tendancy to watch what they say around you. So, small resentments and annoyances go unexpressed, pile up, and turn into big resentments.

3) Anytime you place anything in someone else's trust you're giving them an opportunity to get something for nothing. This is a huge temptation to alot of people. Of course, before they can take advantage of it they have to find something to justify it with. So, they start looking for "reasons" why they deserve whatever it is they're getting ready to steal from you, and even worse, they start looking for reasons (excuses) to blame you for it; things about you or what you're doing that makes you deserving of betrayal.

At this point everytime they look at you they're looking for something about you that justifies their own actions, and, with people's tendancy to see what they want to see, they'll find it, even if they have to invent it.

At that point they're going to try to put a negative spin on everything you do and say. And anything positive about you, since it runs counter to their agenda, will be purposefully ignored.

On top of all this there's guilt. At some level they know exactly what they're doing, they know it's wrong, and they know what it says about them. All this usually does is add fuel to the fire; now, without any kind of intention on your part, you're a living indictment against them. Without acknowledging the true cause for all this, all they know is they don't like themselves when they look at you.

Of course, this just becomes one more thing to punish you for.

It helps alot to understand these things. I think the worst thing about being on the receiving end of a betrayal is that to some extent we tend to look at it in terms of, "What does this say about me? Were I and my friendship this easily pushed aside by this person who was such an important part of my own life"?

The truth is Fluffy, it probably doesn't have much to do with you personally. At some point, these people stopped seeing you and your husband as friends, or even people, so they could start looking at you both as an opportunity.

It's easier on a persons conscience to tell themselves they're taking advantage of an opportunity rather than a person. Of course, to do that, they have to dehumanize the other people involved first.

It doesn't really work though. The bottom line is no one has a right to treat another person unfairly, no matter what excuses they think they might have or what excuses they may have invented.

I'm betting to some large extent everything your friend said to you can be translated into, "I can't stand myself when I look at you so please go away".

 

[fullyveiled muslimah]

That sucks Fluffy .

I've gotten a few sudden shocks like that in my own life and I've had to spend quite a bit of time trying to understand what all was behind these sudden explosions of venom from someone you thought you were on good terms with (especially when it's someone you've helped).

Some things I've come to believe about situations like this;

1.) If someone owes you money they start to look at you differently; You come to represent personal failure or weakness on their part. They also come to see you and their debt to you as one more hurdle between them and self-suffiency.

2.) If someone's dependant on you, same thing, except that added to that you have their tendancy to watch what they say around you. So, small resentments and annoyances go unexpressed, pile up, and turn into big resentments.

3) Anytime you place anything in someone else's trust you're giving them an opportunity to get something for nothing. This is a huge temptation to alot of people. Of course, before they can take advantage of it they have to find something to justify it with. So, they start looking for "reasons" why they deserve whatever it is they're getting ready to steal from you, and even worse, they start looking for reasons (excuses) to blame you for it; things about you or what you're doing that makes you deserving of betrayal.

At this point everytime they look at you they're looking for something about you that justifies their own actions, and, with people's tendancy to see what they want to see, they'll find it, even if they have to invent it.

At that point they're going to try to put a negative spin on everything you do and say. And anything positive about you, since it runs counter to their agenda, will be purposefully ignored.

On top of all this there's guilt. At some level they know exactly what they're doing, they know it's wrong, and they know what it says about them. All this usually does is add fuel to the fire; now, without any kind of intention on your part, you're a living indictment against them. Without acknowledging the true cause for all this, all they know is they don't like themselves when they look at you.

Of course, this just becomes one more thing to punish you for.

It helps alot to understand these things. I think the worst thing about being on the receiving end of a betrayal is that to some extent we tend to look at it in terms of, "What does this say about me? Were I and my friendship this easily pushed aside by this person who was such an important part of my own life"?

The truth is Fluffy, it probably doesn't have much to do with you personally. At some point, these people stopped seeing you and your husband as friends, or even people, so they could start looking at you both as an opportunity.

It's easier on a persons conscience to tell themselves they're taking advantage of an opportunity rather than a person. Of course, to do that, they have to dehumanize the other people involved first.

It doesn't really work though. The bottom line is no one has a right to treat another person unfairly, no matter what excuses they think they might have or what excuses they may have invented.

I'm betting to some large extent everything your friend said to you can be translated into, "I can't stand myself when I look at you so please go away".

Wow Quag, that was a pretty accurate assessment of the situation. I think you've hit the nail on the head as well. Well said!!

 

[!Fluffy!]

That sucks Fluffy .

I've gotten a few sudden shocks like that in my own life and I've had to spend quite a bit of time trying to understand what all was behind these sudden explosions of venom from someone you thought you were on good terms with (especially when it's someone you've helped).

Some things I've come to believe about situations like this;

1.) If someone owes you money they start to look at you differently; You come to represent personal failure or weakness on their part. They also come to see you and their debt to you as one more hurdle between them and self-suffiency.

2.) If someone's dependant on you, same thing, except that added to that you have their tendancy to watch what they say around you. So, small resentments and annoyances go unexpressed, pile up, and turn into big resentments.

3) Anytime you place anything in someone else's trust you're giving them an opportunity to get something for nothing. This is a huge temptation to alot of people. Of course, before they can take advantage of it they have to find something to justify it with. So, they start looking for "reasons" why they deserve whatever it is they're getting ready to steal from you, and even worse, they start looking for reasons (excuses) to blame you for it; things about you or what you're doing that makes you deserving of betrayal.

At this point everytime they look at you they're looking for something about you that justifies their own actions, and, with people's tendancy to see what they want to see, they'll find it, even if they have to invent it.

At that point they're going to try to put a negative spin on everything you do and say. And anything positive about you, since it runs counter to their agenda, will be purposefully ignored.

On top of all this there's guilt. At some level they know exactly what they're doing, they know it's wrong, and they know what it says about them. All this usually does is add fuel to the fire; now, without any kind of intention on your part, you're a living indictment against them. Without acknowledging the true cause for all this, all they know is they don't like themselves when they look at you.

Of course, this just becomes one more thing to punish you for.

It helps alot to understand these things. I think the worst thing about being on the receiving end of a betrayal is that to some extent we tend to look at it in terms of, "What does this say about me? Were I and my friendship this easily pushed aside by this person who was such an important part of my own life"?

The truth is Fluffy, it probably doesn't have much to do with you personally. At some point, these people stopped seeing you and your husband as friends, or even people, so they could start looking at you both as an opportunity.

It's easier on a persons conscience to tell themselves they're taking advantage of an opportunity rather than a person. Of course, to do that, they have to dehumanize the other people involved first.

It doesn't really work though. The bottom line is no one has a right to treat another person unfairly, no matter what excuses they think they might have or what excuses they may have invented.

I'm betting to some large extent everything your friend said to you can be translated into, "I can't stand myself when I look at you so please go away".

wow, that's an amazingly cogent and articulate analysis Quag. Frubals.

and thanks Luna for your insights. Sorry I took so long to respond, I just saw these today.

thanks again to all,
!Fluffy!