Faust
Active Member
Forgive me for unburdening myself, but I am not one to unload my tribulations on those whom I share a close relationship with. Perhaps because I'm too close to their burdens to add to them with my own petty self indulgent problems. This is why I will indulge myself here. Anonimnity, blessed state of incognito!( Oh how humble I sound, how noble, how far from the truth!)
When we brought her home she fit in the palm of my hand, fat little bundle of love, rub my belly object of affection. She has been with us for 12 years. So many health problems, so needing of care and affection, so giving. We knew the time would come, but that doesn't prepare you. Cancer, aggressive, death sentence. All the care, all the attention, all the love. It only makes the relationship stronger. She was like our child. I hear her, I see her, everywhere. Its been a week, I'm crying. We had to make the decision for her, she could not tell us. That hurts the most. When does the selfish need outweigh the obligation. I'm crying.
The vet administered an overdose of anesthesia, she went to sleep, at peace, no more pain, no suffering. I'm grieving, grieving.
My daughter was home, she is having problems, I can pronounce it but probably not spell it, I'll try, endometriosis. Thats what they expect to find when they do her laparoscopy next week. She lives so far away. Little princess,light of my existence. They say we should not expect grandchildren. I would be such a great grandpa. There is still our son, he doesn't show much interest at this point. His choice.
I'm a step grandpa, he's my buddy, might as well be my own blood, feels that way. My step daughter may have cervical cancer. It continues to pile on.
We arrived at the hospital at around 9:30 this mourning. My mother was scheduled for quadruple bypass at 12:00. She is old, I feel older than my years. She was in good spirits,she's a wirey old bird with more energy than most people I know. They prepped her, druged her, we had a regular family reunion. Children, grandchildren,(great and great great stayed home)surviving siblings. At around 2:00 in the afternoon they informed us that the patient before her was in need of far more attention than they anticipated. Someone elses loved one, in desperate need, how can you fault them? If it were my mother I would want that. Go the extra mile, do what has to be done! Save life!
They dressed her,still druged, little old fireball, packed her up and sent her home with my sister (bless her heart, sis ). It's a week after her cardiologist said she should have the operation. She is scheduled for this Friday at 7:00 am. Get there at 5:00, fingers crossed.
Todays proceedings have taken me back, back to my fathers death, so many years ago. Cancer, death sentence, failed treatments. No heroic efforts, that was his wishes, Doctors don't take the word of intermediaries, even family, even when they ask you to provide them with the answer. Save life! I don't believe you! I will ask him myself! Same answer. Everyone was falling apart. He was the center of everything. Father, husband, surrogate father to my mothers family. Sureal, thats what it was, bad dream, night terror, I felt like a child,frightened, take control, swallow the fear, do what has to be done. He was passing his life through his bowels, Oh the stinch, unbearable, no one can stand it, I must preserve his dignity! Clean him, care enough to overcome the overwhelming stinch! I still wake at night with that smell in my nose, my throat, my lungs. I grieve, I still grieve. I'm crying. I'm crying.
This is life, this is a life well lived, a life of value! For everything made of nightmares, there is something just as wonderful, just as full of joy, just as hopeful!
With that I'll put an end to my self indulgence, and thank you all for the opportunity to pour out a little bit of my raw humanity.
Faust
When we brought her home she fit in the palm of my hand, fat little bundle of love, rub my belly object of affection. She has been with us for 12 years. So many health problems, so needing of care and affection, so giving. We knew the time would come, but that doesn't prepare you. Cancer, aggressive, death sentence. All the care, all the attention, all the love. It only makes the relationship stronger. She was like our child. I hear her, I see her, everywhere. Its been a week, I'm crying. We had to make the decision for her, she could not tell us. That hurts the most. When does the selfish need outweigh the obligation. I'm crying.
The vet administered an overdose of anesthesia, she went to sleep, at peace, no more pain, no suffering. I'm grieving, grieving.
My daughter was home, she is having problems, I can pronounce it but probably not spell it, I'll try, endometriosis. Thats what they expect to find when they do her laparoscopy next week. She lives so far away. Little princess,light of my existence. They say we should not expect grandchildren. I would be such a great grandpa. There is still our son, he doesn't show much interest at this point. His choice.
I'm a step grandpa, he's my buddy, might as well be my own blood, feels that way. My step daughter may have cervical cancer. It continues to pile on.
We arrived at the hospital at around 9:30 this mourning. My mother was scheduled for quadruple bypass at 12:00. She is old, I feel older than my years. She was in good spirits,she's a wirey old bird with more energy than most people I know. They prepped her, druged her, we had a regular family reunion. Children, grandchildren,(great and great great stayed home)surviving siblings. At around 2:00 in the afternoon they informed us that the patient before her was in need of far more attention than they anticipated. Someone elses loved one, in desperate need, how can you fault them? If it were my mother I would want that. Go the extra mile, do what has to be done! Save life!
They dressed her,still druged, little old fireball, packed her up and sent her home with my sister (bless her heart, sis ). It's a week after her cardiologist said she should have the operation. She is scheduled for this Friday at 7:00 am. Get there at 5:00, fingers crossed.
Todays proceedings have taken me back, back to my fathers death, so many years ago. Cancer, death sentence, failed treatments. No heroic efforts, that was his wishes, Doctors don't take the word of intermediaries, even family, even when they ask you to provide them with the answer. Save life! I don't believe you! I will ask him myself! Same answer. Everyone was falling apart. He was the center of everything. Father, husband, surrogate father to my mothers family. Sureal, thats what it was, bad dream, night terror, I felt like a child,frightened, take control, swallow the fear, do what has to be done. He was passing his life through his bowels, Oh the stinch, unbearable, no one can stand it, I must preserve his dignity! Clean him, care enough to overcome the overwhelming stinch! I still wake at night with that smell in my nose, my throat, my lungs. I grieve, I still grieve. I'm crying. I'm crying.
This is life, this is a life well lived, a life of value! For everything made of nightmares, there is something just as wonderful, just as full of joy, just as hopeful!
With that I'll put an end to my self indulgence, and thank you all for the opportunity to pour out a little bit of my raw humanity.
Faust
