Finding my way back onto my path

[Pyre]

Well heres me starting to unwind my thoughts ( aka ramble )
Anyones personal insight is welcome in my journey because I believe everything has meaning and seeds of truth grow everywhere

Its been a long while since I sought religion or practiced it. For the longest while it was simply because I couldn’t believe any higher being would ever do more than answer my prayers with punishment ( and many times did I pray to the opposite outcome - albeit that most often it was the prayers of child sneaking out at night not to get caught and other things of nature’s im sure god would haven’t approved of )

A few times I have come back to soul searching though.
In my life oddities are frequently unexplained by most logic , and always I have been attracted to and attracted attention of similar people.
And for that reason and the many unexplained situations that occur in my life on the regular I keep coming back to seek out where this all comes from and what for. I feel like the key to this answer lies in religions from multiple perspectives and cultures and slowly I have been rebuilding what feels like my spiritual roots. Yet still I feel like I am in the dark grasping at straws because I come short of finding the specific beliefs my spirit feels like it’s calling out too.
And more than once gifted spiritual people have told me my spirit is calling this to me. Though what it is nobody seems to say.
So I keep reading the signs and symbolisms, researching religions and myths and hoping I find my answer eventually.

I hope I find it soon or I will eventually just cave to the belief have lost my mind

First I plan on resuming my search to learn more about shamanism in the cultures I descend from first and expanding from there as most of my spiritual pull seems to be towards shamanism and my ancestors ( including my last best friend to perish, who was foretold would carry shamanic powers by his elders but was unfortunately unable to achieve that direction as his life ended too soon)

Golden eagles, all three of my best friends; All flew back to their maker too soon.

It was really creepy when I found out each of their gifted names were identical in meaning.

All from different backgrounds, all special. Each Gifted with the sight of angels and spirits and premonitions from birth. Each of them called me best friend behind my back, so I didn’t find out till each one died and their parents told me. 3 times.
3 different people, 3 different families, 3 different unexpected ways. And I was one of their best friends and I never knew.

The last one had tremendous signs they brought me later during a hard time.
I was walking home and ran into a wandering dog, curious I followed it since it evaded my grasp and I followed it to what I assumed was its home while not looking up once from the dog till it stopped to eat vomit from the outside of this home - I looked up to go knocking on the door and to my shock it was the old house of the best friend whom passed away last. I hesitated but knocked anyway not wanting to leave their dog outside eating vomit - and the new occupant informed me the dog actually lived down the street and that it was unusual for him to wander that far from where his owner let him relax off leash near his yard… the dog looked up and trundled off back where it belonged on its own.

Thats my usual unusual.

Though just a drop in the bucket of how odd my life can be, I will end on that for now since the whats hows and whys I have already had shape my path could go on for days I am sure.

 

[Pyre]

I decided to go see the place I started my religious journey , where I decided to look into the many paths before me instead of staying to the one I was on.

Its changed as much as I have.

Even churches with their immovable feel are not unchanging in the procession on time.

I wonder when it happened?

The place has less meaning than the people whom used to be there and the profound influence they had on my progress forward. Despite the fact it was the moment I started to turn my back on Christianity that Started me truly on a journey of discovery- I hold no resentment or regret of my time there.

It was the bible and its harsh views on the other’s beliefs that turned me away, I had just began to expand my mind to others views and could not fathom the animosity towards others that this scripture had and so I sought guidance from my reverend and he applauded my view to seek myself before committing to a religion. I went to him shamed and was shocked by the acceptance and left the church proud to have called it part of my past that I continue to incorporate into my future.

For that reason Amongst others I am proud to have anglican roots amongst the tree of what is my life

 

[Pyre]

The reason I went back to see the church was a symbol carved into the railing when I was a child.

I would sit out on the railing listening to the beeping crosswalk counting out the time before I knew the light would change.

This symbol captivated me I never could figure it out it was like a 4 but not directionally correct for any way someone standing or sitting there would have been and one arm of the 4 had a extra line off the side, I have looked at many symbols over the years and astrological symbols come close but don’t match.

Though I know the wood is still the same, the paint has been redone at least once covering the symbol.

Curiosity remains even if the symbol and its meaning may have long gone from there.

Many times in my life I run into symbols in strange places - some have explanations, others perplex me still.

Symbols numbers and strange luck , many times I question my sanity just to be steered back towards the spiritual by people who sometimes literally enter my life just long enough to convince me I am not actually imagining these things.

I don’t know what to think, I once was told I had an old soul and that had something to do with it.

For now I will just keep looking through the religions that call to me and finding my path

 

[Pyre]

Once again I am lost in thoughts about my life with numbers jumping out at me like little bookmarkers I couldn’t see before - I dont even like dealing with numbers. But they like me fine I guess. I always get weird numbers assigned too me that even leave the people around me perplexed ( how I get so lucky to have easy to remember repeating numbers I dont know , so I don’t get the jealousy though I get the surprise )

Dates in time practically repeat themselves or are symbolically repeated often even though I neither acknowledged nor understood it was repeated until I look to the dates in the calendar which I all to often don’t pay enough attention to.

My accomplishments, my **** ups, my life. Repeating itself in a new rehashed way semi-annually

I don’t know if thats just me being paranoid but why does it feel like life’s keeping me circling the same space.

It’s like life’s repetitively bonking me in the head and being like you’re missing something and you keep literally walking right by it.
Well sorry to whatever divine beings trying to give me those signs I am infinitely daft and therefore doomed to keep looking the wrong way.
Especially if there is something sparkly or bright to look at since in my gloomy state my mind seeks comfort in such stark contrasts.

So I will trudge along this path trying to piece it together in hindsight hoping this next time I don’t miss the REASON there’s a sparkle in the air being distracted by the pretty lights themselves.

 

[Pyre]

Haha the little **** reminding me that despite trying not to let my sailoresque cussing bleed into my typing it consistently does.

 

[Pyre]

I’m looking for signs.
Signs that I am looking in the right directions for establishing my faith and sense of self.
Signs that life is more than just the physical aspects of living.
Signs of if theres a reason to keep trudging forward.
So many different signs.
Problem being with so many different things some can get mixed up in the crossfire or worse yet completely ignored.

Every year of my life has been some kind of test of faith and this last one has been a doozy.

I just need to hold out and keep looking to see the signs that tell me if I am on the right path still.

But if this is the wrong ideas I am following will there be any other signs to tell me if I am on a pointless endeavor?
Is the reason I still feel something important is out there real or just a residual feeling from a missed connection or opportunity that has passed ?
I feel like in seeking my spirituality I might find the thing I am missing , but will I?
Am I just chasing a figment of my imagination or is my metaphorical shadow tangible?

 

[Pyre]

I’m always falling into the cracks, if there is a way for me to slip through a safety net I find it.
I’ve been told its for a reason probably, I mean half the time the broken system gets patched up shortly after my demise; so theres that I guess.
Lots of weird things happen to or around me “for a reason” I suppose - I would just be a little more chipper about it if I knew why I think.

An old soul - thats the most rich excuse I have been given. Does that mean I have more advanced lessons to learn? Or am I just the equivalent to a teaching example? (Makes more sense to me lol)
Why the suffering in areas others walk peacefully through and doors that open where others would have fallen into pits of despair?

These thoughts are reminders of why I am trying to learn my path, I want to be able to make sense of it all eventually.

I have been tested and tested by life over and over again , therapists and counselors have literally asked me how I make it through - so they can coach their other clients through situations like mine… I was the only one they knew that didn’t resort to much more extreme coping mechanisms or just gave up.
That made me proud of myself, and very very scared because I was there for help I now realized wasn’t there.
I already was managing the best I possibly could. That’s utterly devastating to someone who just wanted to feel happiness like everyone else described having.
There has to be a reason there has to be.
There has to be a higher being than I that sees this suffering as necessary, so I feel my way blindly back onto my path to discover an answer. Any answer.
Because I think I am finally crumbling to pieces.

I am hoping by spewing this nonsensical mess I either re read and understand it all better in the future or perhaps (fingers crossed) someone else has some or all of the answers I am looking for and sees this

 

[Pyre]

Reasons , I keep looking for reasons in a world where little is reasonable.
Stuck in the dead drift of “but if I can have just a little more hope, or see a reason, or an answer to why”
I don’t want to lose hope or faith again but I can’t say I am a fan of being made the fool.
Often the punchline of the joke , clown to everyone’s personal party's.
Its like the more morally upright I try to be the quicker I take the blow to the head. (But its not like being a bad person pays out either)

Maybe I strayed from my path too far and that’s what I need to get back to maybe even add back elements of my actually giving more attention to the deities of my life, or I am just rambling on and grasping at straws to try to fill a void that this isn’t going to bring any answers too. Who knows but I guess I might as well try before I let despair win.

 

[WonderingWorrier]

Anyones personal insight is welcome in my journey because I believe everything has meaning and seeds of truth grow everywhere

I learned a specific sign language from the bible, an international sign language that weaves its words/symbols into the twelve positions in four directions. Its like a Zodiac wheel language weaving different symbols into their specific places. Thats how the bible nonsense actually makes sense. The wheel is its truth. This symbol weaving can also be found in other religions, myths, and fairytales. I believe this worldwide sign language could be a map of the heavens.

My Avatar is of the twelve position wheel of symbols found in Egypt.

Can you tell me about your twelve spoked Avatar. Is it a shield on fire?
What does it represent, why did you choose it?

I would like to learn from your answer.

 

[Pyre]

I learned a specific sign language from the bible, an international sign language that weaves its words/symbols into the twelve positions in four directions. Its like a Zodiac wheel language weaving different symbols into their specific places. Thats how the bible nonsense actually makes sense. The wheel is its truth. This symbol weaving can also be found in other religions, myths, and fairytales. I believe this worldwide sign language could be a map of the heavens.

Thank you for sharing your personal perspective
That’s quite fascinating especially about the overlap of the different variations of the 12 spoked wheel.
It was specifically the overlapping of different religions that had me so interested in studying them and then building my own beliefs in religion back up based on the synchronization of my previous beliefs and experiences and the new ones that I am still finding and learning today.

Its quite fascinating finding the places in life where we all have a deeper connection between people that overlaps despite religious or cultural differences as well, and sometimes can be uplifting to feel like the path I am on isn’t so far from what others are ; its more like its just a different perspective.

My Avatar is of the twelve position wheel of symbols found in Egypt.

Can you tell me about your twelve spoked Avatar. Is it a shield on fire?
What does it represent, why did you choose it?

I would like to learn from your answer.

So personally for me , I believe the symbolic nature of the wheel on fire represents my newly reignited desire to acquire my faith in it many aspects as I picked the username Pyre as representative of my rekindled spiritual fires.
And as a reminder not only to my deep spiritual connections to death and dying represented as a funeral pyre - and also serves to remind me how many times losing my faith has nearly brought me to the funeral pyre itself.

I hope that answers your questions and made any sense I have been told I have a tendency to ramble in a nearly unintelligible way frequently,
And thank you again for your input and interest

 

[Pyre]

I also forgot to add that Egyptian mythology and deities also were a large part of my formation of my spiritual identity so far so I am surprised I never found that connection with the wheel symbolism thank you

 

[WonderingWorrier]

I hope that answers your questions and made any sense I have been told I have a tendency to ramble in a nearly unintelligible way frequently

Yes it did. Thank you for your answer. I think you sounded intelligent and also wise.

It was specifically the overlapping of different religions that had me so interested in studying them and then building my own beliefs in religion back up based on the synchronization of my previous beliefs and experiences and the new ones that I am still finding and learning today.

Religions also overlap within themselves. Each word overlaps with other words that share the same position. Thats why they sound like they are speaking nonsense. The wheel is the sense in the nonsense. Listen to them specifically positioning their words, and it speaks simple clear sense.

Its quite fascinating finding the places in life where we all have a deeper connection between people that overlaps despite religious or cultural differences as well, and sometimes can be uplifting to feel like the path I am on isn’t so far from what others are ; its more like its just a different perspective.

Yeah its like seeing the perspective of a glass that is both half full, and half empty of water, that they are the same.

And the perspective of a glass that is both half full of air, and half empty of air, that they are the same.

These four different opposite perspectives can be seen as the one glass.

I also forgot to add that Egyptian mythology and deities also were a large part of my formation of my spiritual identity so far so I am surprised I never found that connection with the wheel symbolism thank you

Wheel symbolism is how you can connect a man to an animal and not be saying nonsense. So the overlap forms something part man and part animal relevant to its shared position on the wheel. It therefore exists (as a position). Mythical creatures being part one animal and part another animal can exist if they share the exact same position, because they overlap they can be seen as being one thing.

The perspective of wheel symbolism can show exactly how religions are true in what they are saying. It changes how you hear the words.

 

[Pyre]

Warning I am in a rambling mood again

I feel like I am struggling to stay on my journey.
I am looking for more commonality between religious beliefs to find my next points of discovery and all its doing is make me feel smaller and like its more pointless than anything.

I keep finding numerous connections but for what?

All I have done is prove to myself how futile my existence has been.

I sought religious guidance to find a balance or footing and instead I am finding what I believed to be solid ground was in fact ice melting below my feet.

It’s like if I had carried on without worry I would be across but by standing and pondering the situation I have stranded myself.

I keep being pulled to the past though, like an echo that just keeps whispering into the void.

Its weird, its upsetting in an oddly comforting way.
Or is it comforting in an oddly upsetting way?
I’m not sure to be honest.
But its getting to me.
I’m forgetting something important or missing something important or something else.
I feel so hollow without it, but I don’t know what it is.
I just know I have never had it. But I can FEEL it.
This indescribable feeling from an indiscernible source that is the most mystifying and frightening and amazingly beautiful.
I keep thinking I have found peace but until I find this no amount of peace will outlast the torment my soul feels without it.
I just don’t understand

 

[Pyre]

Am I finding my way or am I just losing myself?
By finding my spiritual path am I giving up on my individuality?

Am I buying slowly into the common path instead of forging/finding my own?

When do I give up pursuit of a particular piece of the puzzle?

Or when do I accept a piece I thought fit actually only fit on the one side I saw?

And most importantly, am I seeking the pieces based on what I want to believe?

Should I let my mind guide my path?
Or should I just wait for signs of what way to go?

So many questions

 

[Pyre]

I am so lost.
Its hard finding my way spiritually when my life is so chaotic.

My heart’s filled with turmoil.
Signs in my life repeating over and over with no discernible meaning I can interpret through this darkness cast over me by the hopelessness my life experiences have left me with.

I am trying to push through.
But it feels like even if something is out there worth hanging on for I will just drag it down with me.

The harder I have tried to be a better person, the deeper I have gone in search of meaning.
The farther I have felt from it all, the more futile it becomes.

Like adding numbers from my past that keep resounding into my future. Without knowing the why - the answers meaningless.

 

[Pyre]

What or who is it causing ripples in my connections to the world.
What is it or who is it or what is the the whom?
I don’t know.
Maybe I am imagining something that isn’t there.
Maybe I am crazy.
Maybe something is there and I am imagining I am crazy?
Could be a number of things. Could be nothing.
Or it could be nothing but numbers.

A family friend used to do palmistry and tarot astrology and numbers ect…

I wish I still knew her maybe she would make sense of some of this.
Especially because alot of the numbers that keep popping up have to do with the address of where I grew up.
She seemed well versed in that kind of thing.
So many reoccurring numbers that I don’t understand :/

 

[Pyre]

I’m stumbling off my path again.
I’m trying to learn more about myself and my beliefs but its so hard with all of the constant negativity in my life.
Its a few steps forward and a huge leap backwards every bit of the way.

I have discovered some of my hurdles in seeking my religious beliefs are very likely because of my anxieties and need to push past and have the faith to let go of the traumas

But it sounds simpler than it is because that trauma feels neglected and ignored because of my lack of social connections

It almost feels insulting even if I am the one saying I need to let it go and move on because I am still hurt it was all bottled up in the first place.

Its like putting food away just to toss out later - I feel like I was storing it for no reason and wasted my time hoping someone would eventually let me sort it out or acknowledge it idk.
I am rambling.

Otherwise I’m hoping to start an altar or something to express my worships and I have no idea where to begin

 

[Pyre]

Signs in strange places or am I just being weird looking at coincidences like they actually mean something?

I don’t honestly know but I follow them boldly at times and blindly at others.

It eases the heartache in my soul that sings loudly that I want to go home but holds no answer to where or what this home is if it ever even existed to begin with.

I’m so lost.

How can I move forward if I don’t know where forward is?

I’m giving up my identity piece by piece searching for forward.

Searching for hope.

Searching for reason to continue despite the darkness consuming everything I hold dear.

Im not finding anything

I am floundering in the dark.

My light to guide my path is a dimming flame