Family advise...

[Comet]

I have discussed this issue with my friends and family. I have gained new insights but still remain with lack of action. I thought I'd ask it here to see other opinions.

I am having issues with my step-son (18). He was busted for marijuana awhile ago. His mother had to drive him to drug classes twice a week. His reply was, "I won't do it again". After his mother and I got serious, we had our own places. I noticed some missing things in her apartment that I had brought over. She searched his room and wondered why the aluminum foil and lighter for the candles was under his bed. I found pot seeds on the balcony and told her. His reply, "I won't do it again".

After all these talks by the mother, our marriage, and his living with us and rules stated to him along with consequences:

I found his pipe, empty pot bag, and lighter by the balcony. I let my wife handle it.... NOTHING HAPPENED BUT, "I won't do it again".

He is 18, his mother refuses to punish him, and I am at the end of the line. I let her handle it, which I know will lead to more disrespect of my wife and OUR home. I talked to her and told her that next time = consequences. Yet, I know she will refuse to punish him. Where do I go from here?

(more to the story - but I'm sure you see the situation) NOT IN OUR HOME!

 

[InChrist]

I have discussed this issue with my friends and family. I have gained new insights but still remain with lack of action. I thought I'd ask it here to see other opinions.

I am having issues with my step-son (18). He was busted for marijuana awhile ago. His mother had to drive him to drug classes twice a week. His reply was, "I won't do it again". After his mother and I got serious, we had our own places. I noticed some missing things in her apartment that I had brought over. She searched his room and wondered why the aluminum foil and lighter for the candles was under his bed. I found pot seeds on the balcony and told her. His reply, "I won't do it again".

After all these talks by the mother, our marriage, and his living with us and rules stated to him along with consequences:

I found his pipe, empty pot bag, and lighter by the balcony. I let my wife handle it.... NOTHING HAPPENED BUT, "I won't do it again".

He is 18, his mother refuses to punish him, and I am at the end of the line. I let her handle it, which I know will lead to more disrespect of my wife and OUR home. I talked to her and told her that next time = consequences. Yet, I know she will refuse to punish him. Where do I go from here?

(more to the story - but I'm sure you see the situation) NOT IN OUR HOME!

You could express love and tell your son you care for him very much, but that does not mean he can disregard your rules and standards while living in your home. If he feels he much have his marijuana despite your feelings and the rules you have set then he could be told to move out. Also, if he has been arrested before, is there a probation officer you could report him to for continuing to use marijuana?

 

[Comet]

You could express love and tell your son you care for him very much, but that does not mean he can disregard your rules and standards while living in your home. If he feels he much have his marijuana despite your feelings and the rules you have set then he could be told to move out. Also, if he has been arrested before, is there a probation officer you could report him to for continuing to use marijuana?

The older 21 year old son, yes. I have almost turned him in for a "failure to appear" warrant. I still might. I have had this conversation with both of them... but they back down to me, do wrong again, and cry knowing their mother will not do anything. They need to grow up and succeed in life. I have their best interests in mind... it does not involve drugs and jail. Though, jail is a given for the older one. I have hope for the 18 year old....

I would show them both the consquences of their actions, but the mother/wife still thinks they are 5 and should protect them. She can't, a warrant is a warrant and the older one WILL GO BACK TO JAIL. I am trying to save the younger one still with us (18=adult). They aren't kids any more....

18 year old was a minor, just got drug classes and a fine his mother paid for him.

 

[InChrist]

The older 21 year old son, yes. I have almost turned him in for a "failure to appear" warrant. I still might. I have had this conversation with both of them... but they back down to me, do wrong again, and cry knowing their mother will not do anything. They need to grow up and succeed in life. I have their best interests in mind... it does not involve drugs and jail. Though, jail is a given for the older one. I have hope for the 18 year old....

I would show them both the consquences of their actions, but the mother/wife still thinks they are 5 and should protect them. She can't, a warrant is a warrant and the older one WILL GO BACK TO JAIL. I am trying to save the younger one still with us (18=adult). They aren't kids any more....

18 year old was a minor, just got drug classes and a fine his mother paid for him.

Well, you may need to lovingly share your concerns with your wife and and get together on the same page with this issue. Your sons need to see you two as a team. Maybe if they saw their mom and dad working together with love and concern it would speak volumes to them and cause them to pause and reconsider their own actions.

 

[methylatedghosts]

Ok, I assume then, that you're not in one of those states that has allowed marijuana use?

Put it this way. He's 18, and he seems to want to show that he can make his own decisions. He needs to know that there are always consequences to every decision he makes. He's broken trust on the "I won't do it again" front, and so there must necessarily be some consequences for this.

1) No pot in your home. You don't want it in your home, and (I suspect) neither does your wife. He needs to put it, and his paraphernalia, in some other place. You don't want to get arrested for possession or supply, neither does your wife, and you definitely don't want to take the fall for him. That would hardly teach him anything about natural consequences. You could say to him you don't necessarily mind that he uses it, and that he is old enough to make that decision himself, but that you don't want to find it in or around the house. If he wants to keep it in his room, or on his person, then his room or his person needs to be not on your property.

2) The broken trust. This one's relatively easy, and he's definitely not going to like it. He has said he wouldn't do it again, yet on 2 occasions, you've found evidence of the opposite. You can't trust his word on it, and so, naturally, you need to be able to find out if he's keeping his word. Every time he comes home, you will need to search his bag and his pockets and his shoes (I don't know how, but marijuana does tend to find it's way into people's shoes somehow...) to make sure that he's not bringing it into your home. This is a natural consequence to broken trust. You simply can't trust him, and so it must be done. A weekly search of his room (on a different day each week) wouldn't go amiss either. Again, natural consequence. If he doesn't want to be searched, he needs to prove once again that he is trustworthy (which is a simple matter of time and not finding evidence for x amount of time, unknown to him of course) OR he needs to not come home to be searched - which has the additional plus of not bringing pot into your home.

Now, what seems to be the biggest issue here is, that his mother seems to let him walk all over her. Before you implement anything, talk with her. Let her see that to let him get away with this is no way to win friendship or respect. Let her see that he needs to be able to show his maturity in being able to take responsibility for his own actions, and to be able to face the consequences thereof. To not allow him to do so would have a negative impact on him, further on down the line, when he moves out and becomes fully independent. "Tough love" might be an answer here. This is not about withholding privileges, that he may still come and go as per normal, but that there are consequences to the actions he's taken so far, and those must be implemented for your own and your wife's protection.

 

[methylatedghosts]

Well, you may need to lovingly share your concerns with your wife and and get together on the same page with this issue. Your sons need to see you two as a team. Maybe if they saw their mom and dad working together with love and concern it would speak volumes to them and cause them to pause and reconsider their own actions.

This, exactly.

 

[Comet]

Well, you may need to lovingly share your concerns with your wife and and get together on the same page with this issue. Your sons need to see you two as a team. Maybe if they saw their mom and dad working together with love and concern it would speak volumes to them and cause them to pause and reconsider their own actions.

I have been trying for over 2 years now. She agrees with me, then backs down to them. The back down to me, but I can't enforce any consequences due to her. It sucks. She agrees but won't back it when confronted by them. She gets it but won't do it. I'm at a loss... I care, they all know that. She wants them to grow up but babies them. I'm not going anywhere but she refuses to put her foot down with me....

 

[methylatedghosts]

I have been trying for over 2 years now. She agrees with me, then backs down to them. The back down to me, but I can't enforce any consequences due to her. It sucks. She agrees but won't back it when confronted by them. She gets it but won't do it. I'm at a loss... I care, they all know that. She wants them to grow up but babies them. I'm not going anywhere but she refuses to put her foot down with me....

You need to make these concerns clear with her. Help her see that by undermining you, she's losing respect from them. Their view will be something like "Oh, I'll just talk to mum, she doesn't care anyway, she'll do x y or z for me. I've got her wrapped round my pinky."

 

[YmirGF]

It doesn't sound like you have won the respect of the young fellow just yet and it might be a bit premature to start making demands. In theory, you have to be accepted as an authority figure before he will give a rat's hindquarters about what you think... especially when his mom will do little.

 

[methylatedghosts]

I'm wondering... how would she deal with view the responses in this thread? Maybe letting her read them is an option? Maybe she could put in a post too, just so we get her story as well. Not that I think you're misrepresenting her, but her view is equally important here

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Sit down and smoke a joint with him and talk it out.

 

[Comet]

Ok, I assume then, that you're not in one of those states that has allowed marijuana use?

Put it this way. He's 18, and he seems to want to show that he can make his own decisions. He needs to know that there are always consequences to every decision he makes. He's broken trust on the "I won't do it again" front, and so there must necessarily be some consequences for this.

1) No pot in your home. You don't want it in your home, and (I suspect) neither does your wife. He needs to put it, and his paraphernalia, in some other place. You don't want to get arrested for possession or supply, neither does your wife, and you definitely don't want to take the fall for him. That would hardly teach him anything about natural consequences. You could say to him you don't necessarily mind that he uses it, and that he is old enough to make that decision himself, but that you don't want to find it in or around the house. If he wants to keep it in his room, or on his person, then his room or his person needs to be not on your property.

2) The broken trust. This one's relatively easy, and he's definitely not going to like it. He has said he wouldn't do it again, yet on 2 occasions, you've found evidence of the opposite. You can't trust his word on it, and so, naturally, you need to be able to find out if he's keeping his word. Every time he comes home, you will need to search his bag and his pockets and his shoes (I don't know how, but marijuana does tend to find it's way into people's shoes somehow...) to make sure that he's not bringing it into your home. This is a natural consequence to broken trust. You simply can't trust him, and so it must be done. A weekly search of his room (on a different day each week) wouldn't go amiss either. Again, natural consequence. If he doesn't want to be searched, he needs to prove once again that he is trustworthy (which is a simple matter of time and not finding evidence for x amount of time, unknown to him of course) OR he needs to not come home to be searched - which has the additional plus of not bringing pot into your home.

Now, what seems to be the biggest issue here is, that his mother seems to let him walk all over her. Before you implement anything, talk with her. Let her see that to let him get away with this is no way to win friendship or respect. Let her see that he needs to be able to show his maturity in being able to take responsibility for his own actions, and to be able to face the consequences thereof. To not allow him to do so would have a negative impact on him, further on down the line, when he moves out and becomes fully independent. "Tough love" might be an answer here. This is not about withholding privileges, that he may still come and go as per normal, but that there are consequences to the actions he's taken so far, and those must be implemented for your own and your wife's protection.

My old friend! #1 is a given and that talk has been had a few times with all.

#2 I agree with but my wife won't turn them in, search them, nor condone me doing such.

You hit the nail on the head here. Consequences have been listed, she KNOWS and ADMITS they walk all over her, but she continues to condone their actions. I cannot. She is on the same page as me but when push comes to shove, she backs down to them when I am not around and asks me to let it be since "they won't do it anymore". There is the PROBLEM. PS- pot is legal here now, but only for over 21 and less than an ounce. Both sons are in violation.....

 

[Comet]

Now, what seems to be the biggest issue here is, that his mother seems to let him walk all over her. Before you implement anything, talk with her. Let her see that to let him get away with this is no way to win friendship or respect. Let her see that he needs to be able to show his maturity in being able to take responsibility for his own actions, and to be able to face the consequences thereof. To not allow him to do so would have a negative impact on him, further on down the line, when he moves out and becomes fully independent. "Tough love" might be an answer here. This is not about withholding privileges, that he may still come and go as per normal, but that there are consequences to the actions he's taken so far, and those must be implemented for your own and your wife's protection.

I agree 100%, but she does not have any consequences for them! She backs down even though we have all had this conversation many, many times.

 

[Comet]

You need to make these concerns clear with her. Help her see that by undermining you, she's losing respect from them. Their view will be something like "Oh, I'll just talk to mum, she doesn't care anyway, she'll do x y or z for me. I've got her wrapped round my pinky."

Again, nail on the head. This is the way it is.... They back down to me, she agrees with me, they corner her when I'm not home... she backs down... REPEAT pattern.

 

[Comet]

It doesn't sound like you have won the respect of the young fellow just yet and it might be a bit premature to start making demands. In theory, you have to be accepted as an authority figure before he will give a rat's hindquarters about what you think... especially when his mom will do little.

He can hate me, that is fine as I've layed out. Yet, he will respect the home rules of my wife and I: which has been layed out numerous times. I can't enforce the consequences though... so no respect as he doesn't respect mom.:sorry1:

 

[methylatedghosts]

My old friend! #1 is a given and that talk has been had a few times with all.

#2 I agree with but my wife won't turn them in, search them, nor condone me doing such.

You hit the nail on the head here. Consequences have been listed, she KNOWS and ADMITS they walk all over her, but she continues to condone their actions. I cannot. She is on the same page as me but when push comes to shove, she backs down to them when I am not around and asks me to let it be since "they won't do it anymore". There is the PROBLEM. PS- pot is legal here now, but only for over 21 and less than an ounce. Both sons are in violation.....

What could be the natural consequence for her not standing fast? Loss of respect from you? A growing distance between you, seeing as you are at odds? Not as a vindictive response from you, but simply that it will make you feel more apart and less as a team.

 

[Philda Tressie]

I have been trying for over 2 years now. She agrees with me, then backs down to them. The back down to me, but I can't enforce any consequences due to her. It sucks. She agrees but won't back it when confronted by them. She gets it but won't do it. I'm at a loss... I care, they all know that. She wants them to grow up but babies them. I'm not going anywhere but she refuses to put her foot down with me....

What about the help of a mediator such as clergy, psychologist or social worker?

 

[Comet]

What could be the natural consequence for her not standing fast? Loss of respect from you? A growing distance between you, seeing as you are at odds? Not as a vindictive response from you, but simply that it will make you feel more apart and less as a team.

She has stated that she doesn't want the kids to make "me leave". I will not, she is my wife and has the only "contract" with me: our marriage. Yet...? I won't leave. She won't let them stay and do nothing, but she does nothing to help correct the situation....

 

[Comet]

What about the help of a mediator such as clergy, psychologist or social worker?

I have put that idea out there, but a no go. When it comes to school for the 18 year old, who we got into an alternitive highschool so he can graduate: The wife/mom says, "They'll make him do school work, I don't have to."

Just yesterday I came home and told him I'd be up to drive him to school for his one day a week meeting (after working the night shift and giving up sleep as I have always done to take him). His reply? "Today is Tuesday? S#@!, I have two weeks of homework to do now in 4 hours". His mother's responce? "I'll call him in so he will have another week to do it". My responce? "HELL NO, he knew he had school and if he doesn't complete the homework then maybe the teacher/advisor will get on him as I am trying to do!!!"

 

[Comet]

She avoids and deflects the issue... every time. No more.