I’m sorry. It sounds incredibly complicated. We’re friends and I’m one lucky s.o.b. I shouldn’t have bragged. 99% of my success is attributed to the mental and emotional support I get from my partner. If you are lacking that it can be really hard to have the self confidence and positive momentum needed to find joy in life on the reg. I’m always here to support you in whatever small way I can even it’s just on an Internet forum. You matter and I value our conversations.
No need to feel sorry, as everyone seems to be happy with their life except me. I am used to that, and that is one reason I stay isolated because being around happy people only makes me feel worse, and then I feel guilty because I know it is not their fault that they are happy and I am not. It is even worse around other Baha'is or Christians because they think I should be happy just because I "have God." Have God? I don't see God anywhere except on the pages of a book. I have this discussion with my husband often.
Incredibly complicated and incredibly painful and I am on my own trying to figure out what to do to make it better because my husband only makes it worse, and he is part of the problem. All my husband ever does is complain about his physical problems, as if men who are 79 years old do not have any "physical problems." He is just darned lucky he does not have something serious like cancer, heart disease or Alzheimers, and he is lucky he is not depressed, but I cannot make him see that. The only peace I have is when he is sleeping or watching TV.
Anyway, sorry to unload on you, but the only people I have to talk to are on this forum aside from a new counselor I am seeing, but that is only every three weeks since she does not think I have any "serious" psychological problems. That's because she does not see me when I first wake up in the morning and want to die for at least two hours, until I get too busy to think about my life situation. But I will figure it out, I always do because I have a will of iron. I would not still be alive if I didn't.
Thanks for your kindness and support, you don't know how much that means to me. When i told you a while back that all my best forum friends are atheists I was not kidding, as I get more support from atheists than from believers who expect me to pray and "turn to God." So you see I am in between two worlds.
On a lighter note, I did make a big change in my lifestyle in 1988 when I went on leave from my federal job of 10 years and moved from California to Washington State to attend graduate school, but I ended up working in a state job because I needed to work full time while attending school in order to support both me and my husband since was not working for the first eight years we were married. Eventually I had to resign from my federal job when I determined I was never going back and since then I have been working for the state, for about 33 years. In 1993 my husband got a state job but he never brought in much money so I have always been the primary breadwinner. He adamantly refused to try to work in a higher-paying job, which would have been necessary were I to quit my state job and start out in a new field for which I went to grad school, and that was the beginning of the end of our marriage about 20 years ago.
It is much easier to move and change a lifestyle when we are young or even middle-aged. Does anyone think about how much more difficult it is to change a lifestyle when they get to be older? It is much more difficult and most people don't make major changes in old age, except for people who sell their house and downsize or move into a retirement home. But most older people who have the money I have, or even much less money, would be enjoying their retirement, traveling around the country or the world. Instead I am here on this forum most of the time, whenever I am not working. Will this ever change? I have no reason to think so unless God intervenes, fat chance of that.
That reminds me of my Christian coworker who retired last year, she used to say that God "planned her career." I guess God planned her career right over my career because we both competed for the same job in 2006 and she got the job when I was much much more qualified. I guess God likes her better than me because her life has gone exactly as she wanted it to whereas my life has been hell. Mind you, she and I both had the same job title and we both lost our jobs in 2002 due to state budget cuts, but she stayed afloat in our field by brown-nosing and talking people into hiring her in temp positions, whereas I had to accept the low-paying job in another field that the state put me in for eight years. It helped her to have a husband who had a successful business who could support them both. I never had that so I could not accept temp positions, so I had to struggle to make ends meet for eight years.
Finally, after eight years of beating the pavement looking for a job in my field, in 2010 I finally got a job in the same agency where that woman had procured a job in 2006, and the only reason that job became available was because another woman retired. Mind you, the job I have now has only been occupied by two other people besides me since 1970. Because it is such a desirable job nobody ever leaves it unless they retire, so I count myself very fortunate even though I had to suffer and struggle for the eight years prior to that. There were over 80 qualified job applicants so I guess I must have been qualified.
Anyhow, that is all in the past now, I just wonder about these things and how much God is involved or if He is involved at all. I don't just "believe" like most believers, I question what I do not understand.
Well, now God can step in and plan my retirement, lol. I won't be holding my breath, as I have always gone through this life alone.