Desperately need advice; in love with my best friend

[Humanistheart]

I didn't see a friendship/romance section so I hope this forum is the place for this. My apologies if it's out of place.

While I've concously avoided thinking about it for some time, for some reason I'm having trouble ignoring the feelings I've developed for my friend. We've known each other for over 3 years now, but we didn't become especially close until this last year but in that time she's become my best friend, or at least my best female friend. We work together, she's way out of my league, and I have no daubt she would not give me a chance to take her out in a romantic capacity. In fact she refurs to me as her big brother now, which is a pretty clear indicater of a close but plutonic relationship.

My question is, what do I do to stop feeling this way about her? I'm blessed just to have her freindship and I can't risk loosing that, but every week that goes by I find myself becomming more and more smitten with her. Any advice?

 

[StevieHummingbird]

I think it is important to find where the other person stands.
even if she has given you the cursed "big brother" notion.
Otherwise try finding someone new, that is the only way I can could help something like that, advert my attention somewhere else.

 

[Demonic Kitten]

Let me tell you a little story.... 3 or so years ago I started going to a dojo (martial arts school). I met this family (mother, sister, brother) and they took me under their wing. Pretty soon I was an adopted part of their family. Their mother was my mother and they were like siblings to me. The longer I knew them the closer we got. I was introduced to the grandparents and they adopted me as well. Almost 2 years ago I noticed that things had changed between my and the brother. I didn't want to deal with it so I pushed it aside, I mean after all he is 10 years younger than I so it would never work out. So I continued thinking of him as a brother, but soon he became my best friend. We had a lot more in common than we realized. All this is to say that you never know what is going to happen. I agree with stevehummingbird, you should find where the other person stands.


Oh yeah....I forgot to mention.... At the end of december we will have been dating for a year. ^_^ He's still my best friend and in ways he is still like a brother to me....but in the end we over came the age difference and labels.

 

[Humanistheart]

Let me tell you a little story.... 3 or so years ago I started going to a dojo (martial arts school). I met this family (mother, sister, brother) and they took me under their wing. Pretty soon I was an adopted part of their family. Their mother was my mother and they were like siblings to me. The longer I knew them the closer we got. I was introduced to the grandparents and they adopted me as well. Almost 2 years ago I noticed that things had changed between my and the brother. I didn't want to deal with it so I pushed it aside, I mean after all he is 10 years younger than I so it would never work out. So I continued thinking of him as a brother, but soon he became my best friend. We had a lot more in common than we realized. All this is to say that you never know what is going to happen. I agree with stevehummingbird, you should find where the other person stands.


Oh yeah....I forgot to mention.... At the end of december we will have been dating for a year. ^_^ He's still my best friend and in ways he is still like a brother to me....but in the end we over came the age difference and labels.

Kitten, if you dont' mind my asking, how did you, to use steve's words, find where the other person stood? How did your relationship with your psuedo brother develope?

 

[Humanistheart]

I think it is important to find where the other person stands.

Thanks for the advice, but I don't think I'd even know how to go about that. And I have tried to find someone new, but the last couple of girls I went out with didn't work out. Only made it to a 2nd and 3rd date.

 

[Baydwin]

My question is, what do I do to stop feeling this way about her? I'm blessed just to have her freindship and I can't risk loosing that, but every week that goes by I find myself becomming more and more smitten with her. Any advice?

I've been exactly where you are Humanistheart. I didn't act and years later they told me that they had known I had feelings for them the whole time we were friends, so my guess would be that on some level she is already aware you're "smitten" with her.

My advice would be to carry on maintaining the relationship as just friendship for the time being, if down the line you notice a change in her body language i.e. she touches you more, looks into your eyes more, then you could maybe try asking her out. If you try something and she doesn't feel the same then the friendship will change, unfortunately.

As for the feelings, believe me you can't just make them disappear, it'll take time or someone else coming along.

Good luck with it all, the whole unrequited love thing really stinks.

 

[Demonic Kitten]

Kitten, if you dont' mind my asking, how did you, to use steve's words, find where the other person stood? How did your relationship with your psuedo brother develope?

Honestly, both of us would still be in the dark if it hadnt been for our sensei. I guess sensei got tired of watching us flounder around and decided to give us a little help. Sensei knew that I liked him and he also knew that he liked me. He played match maker...plain and simple.

How did it develop? I'm still trying to figure that one out. He went from being this geeky looking kid to someone I could spend the rest of my life with. I know...I'm not much help on this. I'm still trying to figure things out myself.

 

[StevieHummingbird]

Thanks for the advice, but I don't think I'd even know how to go about that. And I have tried to find someone new, but the last couple of girls I went out with didn't work out. Only made it to a 2nd and 3rd date.

I think it will require, something in which you are laking in this situation, which is confidence.
Well, there is a lot more then a few girls out there.

 

[Draka]

It's a really touchy situation. If you make your feelings known it could go either way. She may really have feelings for you as well and things could go great, or she might not think of you in that way at all and the exposing of your feelings may make the relationship awkward from then on. Unless you could find some way of knowing how she felt without exposing yourself. Like through another friend perhaps. I know this may sound childish or immature, but possibly the best route is to have someone else bring up to her how close you guys are and they were "just wondering" if there was more to it than that. If she hints to the person that she cares for you more than she has let on to you, then letting her know of your feelings may be a good thing. If she is nonchalant about just what good buddies you are, then maybe better to keep it to yourself.

As to how you deal with unreciprocated feelings, I don't quite know. I know I was the girl in the best friend scenario like this and I don't know how he did it. My best friend for a long time was this really terrific guy and I loved him like a close brother, but wasn't attracted to him in any way. I didn't think he was either until I was getting out of the Navy and right before I left town to come back home I stopped on base at his barracks to say goodbye and he hugged me and said how much he was going to miss me and that he loved me and he never said anything because he knew I didn't feel the same way as him. At which point he told me to leave before he cried. god I miss him.

 

[Mr Cheese]

women are funny creatures...

my best advice..is really to move on as tough as it may sound...draka's story illustrates that.... touching story it is too.

I think we've all been where you are, in some way....

and tis tough..really tough...

I still miss a few people from england....
I left and declared my unrequited undying love for one, with a cowardly note in her door, ten years ago..before dropping off her map..only to leave the country two years later...

the important thing is to not let it tear you apart too much...although it probably will, its ten years later...i still think of what might have been

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I didn't see a friendship/romance section so I hope this forum is the place for this. My apologies if it's out of place.

While I've concously avoided thinking about it for some time, for some reason I'm having trouble ignoring the feelings I've developed for my friend. We've known each other for over 3 years now, but we didn't become especially close until this last year but in that time she's become my best friend, or at least my best female friend. We work together, she's way out of my league, and I have no daubt she would not give me a chance to take her out in a romantic capacity. In fact she refurs to me as her big brother now, which is a pretty clear indicater of a close but plutonic relationship.

My question is, what do I do to stop feeling this way about her? I'm blessed just to have her freindship and I can't risk loosing that, but every week that goes by I find myself becomming more and more smitten with her. Any advice?

These situations rarely end well.

If the girl was already interested in you, you'd know. That being said, that doesn't mean that she couldn't be interested in you, but the dynamic of the relationship needs to change for that to happen.

First, you need to let her know how you feel. Be direct, honest, and mature about it. Don't be coy - don't play games - don't be apologetic. It's possible that this in itself will make her see you in a new light and could spark interest.

However, if this doesn't work, at least you'll know. And still all may not be lost.

If you tell her how you feel and she rejects you, the friendship is kind of doomed for awhile anyway. You're going to feel rejected and hurt - and she'll feel awkward and guilty.

If she rejects you, you need to instantly change the dynamic of the relationship. You need to see her less, but when you do, you need to be confident, upbeat, and avoid any outward signs of dejection or hurt. She needs to see that you're not bothered. In fact, you're absolutely okay, and even better than before. Make yourself busy doing things with other people and improving yourself. This will make you both more rare, and more valuable.

If she has any interest in you whatsover, once she sees that you are more valuable, and more rare, and it sinks in that she could have had you, she'll start calling more, and wanting to hang out more. You'll sense a shift in the dynamic of the relationship. This is the point that you make a move.

I haven't been single in a long time, but when I was younger, I turned a few friendships into relationships like this. Some of the best relationships I've had in fact.

The key is, that once you're a friend with most girls, your value is that of a friend, not a boyfriend. You need to change what kind of value you have to them.

 

[enchanted_one1975]

When you do get married, they say the best way to be successful is if your wife is your best friend. You seem to already be halfway there. The next step is to see how she feels. Get her alone, but in a comfortable, non-romantic setting to talk to her. Before you spill your feelings, let her know that your friendship is more important than what you are about to tell her, as I know it has to be. If it wasn't you wouldn't be concerned about this issue. Take it slow, but don't hold off and stew over it. She has to know how you feel and you have to know how she feels. Hey, I was in love with my best friend when I was a teenager. I was scared to say anything. Imagine my shock when he brought it up. We had a great time for 6 years, until our lives led us in different directions. I got lucky there and you may get lucky with your situation. Please do let us know what happens though!

 

[Smoke]

My question is, what do I do to stop feeling this way about her? I'm blessed just to have her freindship and I can't risk loosing that, but every week that goes by I find myself becomming more and more smitten with her. Any advice?

I don't know, but I don't think just keeping your mouth shut about it helps. I've been in love with my best friend a couple of times (different friends separated by many years), and in each case I did my best not to let on or do anything that might possibly disrupt the friendship. The result: I always wondered what might have happened and I have unresolved feelings about those people to this day.

On the other hand, you can't singlehandedly change the nature of your friendship, either. If this woman is as good a friend as you say, you should talk to her about it. Your talk should not be an attempt to woo her, and you shouldn't go into it unless you're prepared to take rejection with equanimity. You should just tell her what you've told us: she's your best friend, and you're troubled by your romantic feelings for her because you're afraid you'll make her uncomfortable and end up losing the friendship. The emphasis should be on how much you value your present relationship, and not on the relationship you hope to have.

Begging somebody to please, please love you is perhaps the least attractive thing you could possibly do. However, most people are prepared to live with, and may even feel flattered by, an unrequited love that is prepared to remain unrequited. And there's always the chance, however slight, that your feelings may be reciprocated -- and if, as you expect, that's not the case, at least you won't go through life wondering what Might Have Been.

 

[Alceste]

I've been on both sides of that equation. From the perspective of the crushee, I can give you a few tips.

If she gets hit on a lot and feels comfortable with you because you don't hit on her, it might come as a bit of a blow for you to suddenly unveil your romantic feelings. I've been in that situation and felt I couldn't continue the friendship after the proclamations of love. I tried, but it was just too awkward. The guys were a bit resentful, bewildered and hurt and I didn't feel like I could make them feel any better about things without giving off "the wrong signals". I was a bit upset because I thought they liked my company and (it seemed to me, silly as I was at the time) they just wanted sex.

So, anyway, try launching lots of compliments and flattery instead of a big revealing speech about your feelings. Tell her "you do ___ really well - I admire that" or "that dress is a really flattering colour" etc. That will demonstrate your feelings without putting her on the spot.

Everybody loves a compliment (even those who say they hate them). A well-placed compliment can do a lot more to knock down her defenses than proclamations of love out of the blue. Just make sure your compliments are genuine, and have something to do with HER, not some fantasy girl in your head you think she resembles. (Although none of us can ever tell the difference, really).

Anyway, pay very close attention to how she reacts to such things, and if you want to maintain your friendship, don't go any further unless you can see from her body language that she might share your feelings.

From the perspective of the crusher, I've never told anyone how I feel when I've been in a situation like that. I can tell they know anyway, and if they're interested it's easy enough to manoeuvre them into a situation where they make the first move.

 

[Smoke]

Everybody loves a compliment (even those who say they hate them). A well-placed compliment can do a lot more to knock down her defenses than proclamations of love out of the blue. Just make sure your compliments are genuine, and have something to do with HER, not some fantasy girl in your head you think she resembles. (Although none of us can ever tell the difference, really).

In my experience, most women react in one of two ways to compliments: Either they can't believe any compliment, no matter how genuine and how obviously true, or they will believe any flattery, no matter how outrageous. Of course there are exceptions to every rule.

From the perspective of the crusher, I've never told anyone how I feel when I've been in a situation like that. I can tell they know anyway, and if they're interested it's easy enough to manoeuvre them into a situation where they make the first move.

One friend of mine, when I told him many years later about my feelings, said he wished I'd acted on them. Of course, there's no guarantee he would have felt that way at the time.

 

[Smoke]

One friend with whom I had a close and occasionally sexual relationship said something once about our having been a couple at one time, and it came as a great surprise to me. If I had realized we were "a couple" I wouldn't have started a new relationship.

 

[Autodidact]

I didn't see a friendship/romance section so I hope this forum is the place for this. My apologies if it's out of place.

While I've concously avoided thinking about it for some time, for some reason I'm having trouble ignoring the feelings I've developed for my friend. We've known each other for over 3 years now, but we didn't become especially close until this last year but in that time she's become my best friend, or at least my best female friend. We work together, she's way out of my league, and I have no daubt she would not give me a chance to take her out in a romantic capacity. In fact she refurs to me as her big brother now, which is a pretty clear indicater of a close but plutonic relationship.

My question is, what do I do to stop feeling this way about her? I'm blessed just to have her freindship and I can't risk loosing that, but every week that goes by I find myself becomming more and more smitten with her. Any advice?

Hold up just a cotton picking minute. Is she single? Is she heterosexual? Aren't you jumping to negative conclusions a little too quickly?

 

[Autodidact]

One friend of mine, when I told him many years later about my feelings, said he wished I'd acted on them. Of course, there's no guarantee he would have felt that way at the time.

I had a similar experience. SUCKS ROCKS. I'll never make that mistake again. I say give it a shot.

 

[Humanistheart]

Hold up just a cotton picking minute. Is she single? Is she heterosexual? Aren't you jumping to negative conclusions a little too quickly?

She is single at the moment, although she never stays that way long, and decidedly hetero.

And I do wonder sometimes what I'd regrett most. Trying and damaging the freindship or not trying at all and wondering years later.

 

[Katzpur]

Well, I've been married to a man for almost 40 years who at one time saw himself as much too old for me. He was only 6 years older, if you can believe that, but in his mind, I was just a little kid. He drove me home from work (we, too, worked together) and as we pulled up in front of my house and I thanked him for the ride, he said, "Oh, you're welcome. I've enjoyed out little father-to-daughter talk."