I'm trying to understand why I want to believe so bad. The thing is, that it's not just religion. I want to believe in magic and fairies and dragons and portals to another world and that The Doctor could land on my balcony in his big blue box and whisk me away to another world. I want the possibility to be there.
I never want to lose the perspective of a child, where anything can happen just around the corner. I want it
ALL to be real. And similarly I want faith, I want there to be
something out there, but I'm not happy unless I actually feel like I
know what it is. I can't just guess, I have to
know what truth is.
But I don't believe.
Can anyone else relate?
There are people, perhaps, who never believed, because they never needed to believe. I mean, if a person doesn't need to believe, he is actually a person who is quite evolved, not immoral, even if the person be an atheist. I was not a believer in God, because I didn't understand, what God meant. I am a believer, not because I understand the word 'God' but I believe in what the meaning is personally, perhaps very well. I was in a situation, where I needed to believe completely, having no belief at all, and I did know what God signified. It didn't occur to me, to think about God, in this situation, for many years after. I didn't believe in my intellect, my reason, the reason of others, their intellect, and this situation, made me completely helpless. There was something in me, which recognized this situation, in a way, which I appreciated very well, in a way, which I valued immensely. A time came, when I lost this sense of value, and I recognized this also, as I did, and I felt completely helpless. I thought religion might help me think, and I did find a master in Hinduism, who is supposed to be like Jesus. I didn't know that he is supposed to be a Hindu incarnation. I found, his teachings were so simple, yet, so truthful, and so elevated, that I found no questions to ask myself on the matter. The teachings were like, "If you want money dearly, you will not find God, and you will be unhappy." I didn't actually want money dearly, or otherwise. "Every woman is like the Divine Mother". (I dearly love my mother, and the idea was very precious). In Hinduism, you can think of God as divine, and also as father or mother. I thought of this man, undoubtedly as God. I say man, because he thought of and worshipped his wife, as he did his Hindu diety, whom he called the Divine Mother. He also did this with all the women he met. He had an aversion for money, and didn't stand the touch of money. I felt, that he was living his life, in a manner, that I didn't know, and he was speaking of his devotion for God, with an assurance, not to have followers, but because of his conviction. Other people could promise help, but only helped, according to themselves, which is natural. I didn't believe in what he said, before I read his sayings, and I didn't believe that what was contrary to his perception was wrong at all. People's lives are not seemingly certain to their own perception, and perhaps also to those of others, and people actually want to help their own uncertainty, when they try to help others. I don't think they succeed, because this process seems to be continuous. This Avatar spoke of loving God, when God did not give a perception of helping in a way, which could change, and human help is of this nature, which may be no help in some situations. He loved people dearly, who loved God. He believed God is with form and without form, and he said, in effect that devotion to God, for material gain, is like walking on water, when one can cross the river, paying the boatman a small amount. This is why I know this man to be the incarnation of the Avatar.
