Dear Revoltingest,
Once again I have found myself in a quandary. This time it isn't about the lack of butt wipes, but the proliferation of them.
You see, once again it's political season here, and I find I'm surrounded by nothing but butt wipes Just when I think maybe I can escape them, it seems they are multiplying at a dizzing pace.
What should I do? Do I just ignore them and hope everything works out in the end? What do you think will happen? Will it be a clean sweep? Will we end with a sticky situation? Is it all just a lot of hot air, and nothing to really worry about?
Sorry if I seem hot under the collar. I feel flushed.
Signed,
Shredded to Pieces and Stuck to the Bottom of Shoes
Dear Shredded to Pieces and Stuck to the Bottom of Shoes,
Thank you for your timely tussle with tedium, and for reanimating this long forgotten advice column.
The most important consideration when dealing with butt wipes is that they be compatible with
one's plumbing. This means they should continue their journey without hanging up in drain lines.
Otherwise, one could face a fixture revolution, wherein they all simultaneously regurgitate one's
"deposits". Is there any greater horror than seeing yesterday's corn on the cob clashing with one's
lime green shag bathroom carpeting? Heavens, no!
Moreover, this can cost one thousands of dollars per year in cleaning services & Roto Rooter reamings.
To avoid this unpleasantness, consider your home's age. If you have a modern well constructed
dwelling with PVC waste lines, you should have no worries. But older abodes are often afflicted with
rusting & scaling cast iron lines. And if you have silver maple trees nearby, their roots will seek out
every crack & crevice leading to this moisture source.
In this case, you should avoid brands like Charmin Ultra-Tough & Cottonelle Everlast.
Instead, buy a quickly disintegrating product like Scotts Cheaporama.
As a final caution, ensure that all feminine product users place them in the trash. The infamous
"red bellied whitefish" is particularly prone to taking up permanent residence in one's drain lines.
For more information, please purchase my book, "The Effluent Society".
Sincerely,
Revoltingest