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Dealing with resentment

Mark Dohle

Well-Known Member



Dealing with resentment

These are notes for my first talk. I believe that the picture I used for this essay
does show the inner state of resentment when it is extreme.
The quotes I am using come from GoodTherapy® webpage


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Resentment is not the easiest subject to talk about, even if it is a very common problem for many people. There is no easy answer on how to deal with these painful issues, and no matter what one thinks about how it can be done, it still takes a deep inner struggle.

To be disregarded, or treated with contempt, can cause deep wounds in the soul, and every time it is relived, it only rips off the scape that has formed over it. The dark side of this issue is that it can become a sort of melancholy pleasure. The inner tapes can so ingrained in the mind that whole days can be spent in reliving different episodes in one’s life that only deepens the initial wound. To cling to these wounds only leads to further wounding.

When we lose our true-north, our inner lives are easily controlled by outer events and can lead to a great deal of turmoil in our relationships. It is easy to fall under the sway of outer events when we are not rooted in a reality that will keep us centered. It is like, are our lives built on sand, or on a solid foundation?

What many do not realize is that we give up our independence, healthy sovereignty, when we enter the deeply intimate relationship with some who have made us resentful. Without a true-north, we are lost on a vast ocean that is whipped up by our inner, often compulsive responses to those we give power to. Being pulled in many directions.

When we grow in self-love, we will understand the futility of holding onto resentment and anger, it only poisons us.

The image I get when I am struggling with resentment is having a fishbone stuck in my throat.

One way of dealing with resentment is to find out from experts what it entails, and ways of dealing with it in a healthy manner.

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“Those who experience resentment may have feelings of annoyance and shame—they might also harbor a desire for revenge. A person may become resentful as a result of a slight injustice or a grave one, perhaps harboring the same bitterness and anger over a small matter as they would over a more serious issue.” (Good Therapy Web Site)

Thoughts of getting even, or of hurting the one who causes resentment is understandable but still destructive to the person who is experiencing this desire. The more it is given in to, the more power it has. It is our releasing of our own autonomy and giving it over to another, even if they do not know they are the cause of our discomfort and pain. People, myself included, of course, can also be the cause of resentment and shame in another without realizing it. Perhaps one way of dealing with my own struggle with negative feelings, and emotions, is to understand that I am also the author of the above for others. This type of self-knowledge I find can help me to more easily, over time to forgive and to let go, releasing both the one who hurt me, as well as myself.

Sometimes, what helps me is to actually think about what has been done to me, or told me, and see what part I have played in the situation. It is often a two-way street. The less responsibility I will take for my situation, the deeper I will fall into resentment and anger, and making it all that much harder for me to forgive.

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“Shame is a painful emotion caused by the belief that one is, or is perceived by others to be, inferior or unworthy of affection or respect because of one's actions, thoughts, circumstances, or experiences: felt shame for having dropped out of school”. (Good Therapy Web Site)

There are times when shame comes up, is when I need to look at what has been told to me. Often people will shame us when we continue to do actions that cause trouble to others. I have found that many addicts become angry at the way people ‘judge’ them, without them looking into the matter and allow that to spur them on to change. Yes, there are times when shame can be helpful, but most of the time this is not the case.

It can be used as a way to control, to force someone into ways of actions, or living, that make the accuser feel more comfortable. When this is the case, it is a call to develop one’s ability to love oneself, as we are actually commanded to do. Without self-knowledge, we only become more defensive, which actually increases the shame. If there is truth in what is being told to us, no matter the reason, it can be used for growth

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“Though resentment can be fleeting, dissipating when someone realizes an event was misinterpreted or receives an apology from the person who committed the offense, it can also be a persistent emotion. An individual may hold on to negative feelings, revisiting the distressing event again and again and becoming unable to let go of anger or a desire for revenge. In this instance, resentment may come to affect an individual’s mental health. .” (Good Therapy Web Site)

There are people who through no fault of their own, are mentally ill. Then for the majority, mental health is not a steady-state. For instance, when I am resentful and it becomes prolonged, is that a healthy mental state? I would say, no. I become overly focused over an occasion that will lead me to lose touch with everyday reality. This can have a detrimental effect on other areas of my life. Any strong emotion, can over a short period of time, or a longer one, can be considered mentally unhealthy, and during that time, it is best not to do anything rash. Those who hurt us, more often than not, do it in ignorance, not understanding the depth of pain that their words, or actions, can cause. Again, this can be a call to growth. For in this we learn how we do not want to be treated, and it will lead us not to inflict this same sort of pain on others. We learn about the meaning of the “Golden-Rule”, from this kind of experience. Or not, which is a real tragedy. I guess, for me, mental health means that when I am in a state of deep emotional turmoil, I can still deal with it in a way that is not harmful to me or the other.

Prayer and meditation can help us to become more objective about the situation. Again, the growth in self-knowledge, the ability to not make oneself a victim, can be a great help in keeping more balanced in a world that tries all of us. --Br.MD
 

pearl

Well-Known Member
If a victim of resentment allows the desire for revenge to fester overtime he/she is quite possibly on the road to a tragic ending, either for him/her self or for those blamed for the resentment. I think this accounts for so much of the violence today that could be avoided with 'therapy'. As Catholics we have the opportunity in Confession, more than a place for confessing sins but for spiritual direction. And its 'free'.
 

metis

aged ecumenical anthropologist
There's no guarantee that life will be easy. Certainly wasn't for Jesus and the Apostles.
 

pearl

Well-Known Member
There's no guarantee that life will be easy. Certainly wasn't for Jesus and the Apostles.

We were never promised life would be a rose garden or some utopia, but were promised strength in our faith to overcome our weaknesses, our sometimes false pride in ourselves that hinders letting go of wanting payback for rejection. I think its especially difficult for our young people who are bullied in school, in social media etc., and driven to either payback or suicide and are reluctant to talk with anyone for help.
 
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