Dating

[Deidre]

Seeing as I married a Christian twenty-something years ago, I might be expected to say "it's not really relevant, but I'd be quite happy dating a theist".. but, it's getting relevant again as we separated in January.

As I feel now, I would be far happier dating an atheist.. part of it is me: I've become far less tolerant of religious silliness, and there is a lot of it. Even though my wife (we haven't divorced yet) is not particularly religious, there were still times I had to bite my tongue to maintain marital harmony. We basically got through decades of marriage avoiding god & religion as topics. I'm not going to do that again.

sorry to hear of your marital troubles.
in truth, she probably wants to talk about her religion with a like minded person, and who better than her spouse? that is the difficulty, with this type of thing. it isn't to be exclusionary,but rather it prevents future fall out and pain, if you just realize up front that dating a theist isn't going to work in the long run.

 

[philbo]

sorry to hear of your marital troubles.
in truth, she probably wants to talk about her religion with a like minded person, and who better than her spouse? that is the difficulty, with this type of thing. it isn't to be exclusionary,but rather it prevents future fall out and pain, if you just realize up front that dating a theist isn't going to work in the long run.

On re-reading, I think I might have made the religion side sound more of an issue than it has been - it was never that big a thing. We have three completely atheist children and one who's going through what I hope is only a Christian phase (her boyfriend is the child of evangelical missionary types, the poor chap hasn't had any choice; the church they go to is a friendly & welcoming community, but I've noticed my daughter still uses her own values over the ones preached when they differ, especially regarding homosexuality. Which is gratifying )

The separation's a bit of a culture shock more than anything else, though we've pretty much been living our own lives for a few years now & I'm fairly sure that in the not too distant future we'll both be happier. At least we've split while we're still on good terms & talking - sorting stuff out has been tortuous enough as it is, I don't know how couples manage it when they're not on speaking terms.

 

[Deidre]

On re-reading, I think I might have made the religion side sound more of an issue than it has been - it was never that big a thing. We have three completely atheist children and one who's going through what I hope is only a Christian phase (her boyfriend is the child of evangelical missionary types, the poor chap hasn't had any choice; the church they go to is a friendly & welcoming community, but I've noticed my daughter still uses her own values over the ones preached when they differ, especially regarding homosexuality. Which is gratifying )

The separation's a bit of a culture shock more than anything else, though we've pretty much been living our own lives for a few years now & I'm fairly sure that in the not too distant future we'll both be happier. At least we've split while we're still on good terms & talking - sorting stuff out has been tortuous enough as it is, I don't know how couples manage it when they're not on speaking terms.

No I took it as her religion wasn't thrown in your face or anything. That's pretty cool that your kids are thinking for themselves. You did good.
Marriage has always been something that mystifies me. I understand why people do it, I understand that people get swept away in the romantic side of it...but, bringing the government into your love life (to me) is and has proven to be...a recipe for disaster. If the divorce rate was hovering around 30%, I'd think differently about the paradigm, but as it sits...over 50% of couples get divorced. Now, that stat could also be taking into account second and third marriages...but they all started from one marriage, at one point. lol

I think once you separate, enjoy your own peace and freedom, and if and when you decide to date again, choose someone who isn't a mirror of you certainly, but someone who can truly identify with these bigger issues. Religion is a big deal to a religious person, and that is also why I wouldn't want to bother dating a theist. It is for their own sake too, not just mine, that I think it would be best for them to meet someone who shares the same love for their faith.

 

[Typist]

I dunno...

I sense it's not really about theist vs. atheist. It's about respect. As example...

As reported above, I'm hyper-philosophical. I do share many of my musings with my wife, but only as many as she finds acceptable. After that, I come to places like this where everybody is by their presence volunteering to be philosophical, and nobody has to read my posts if they don't find them interesting.

My wife does the same thing. She is intensely interested in wildlife rehab. She tells me her stories, but she doesn't shove them on me. She has friends who will talk rehab 29 hours a day, so that covers what I can't do.

I don't see why theists and atheists can't do the same thing. Share where sharing is welcomed, and take it elsewhere after that.

If a partner won't do that, it's not really about their ideology, it's about their relationship with you. As example, how about a couple who are weak atheist / strong atheist? What if the strong atheist is always ranting about theists night and day? Does it really matter that they are an atheist, or is the problem that they are an inconsiderate ranter?

 

[philbo]

I think once you separate, enjoy your own peace and freedom, and if and when you decide to date again, choose someone who isn't a mirror of you certainly, but someone who can truly identify with these bigger issues.

Thank you.

..I couldn't choose someone who's a mirror of myself. I'd drive me mad

 

[Deidre]

I dunno...

I sense it's not really about theist vs. atheist. It's about respect. As example...

As reported above, I'm hyper-philosophical. I do share many of my musings with my wife, but only as many as she finds acceptable. After that, I come to places like this where everybody is by their presence volunteering to be philosophical, and nobody has to read my posts if they don't find them interesting.

My wife does the same thing. She is intensely interested in wildlife rehab. She tells me her stories, but she doesn't shove them on me. She has friends who will talk rehab 29 hours a day, so that covers what I can't do.

I don't see why theists and atheists can't do the same thing. Share where sharing is welcomed, and take it elsewhere after that.

If a partner won't do that, it's not really about their ideology, it's about their relationship with you. As example, how about a couple who are weak atheist / strong atheist? What if the strong atheist is always ranting about theists night and day? Does it really matter that they are an atheist, or is the problem that they are an inconsiderate ranter?

In theory what you are saying is possible, but in reality, many theists live their faith...and by that, they put God first. And often times, it is not unusual for them to wish for their partners to, as well. That is where the difficulties come in. It's not ...'I like tennis and my partner doesn't.' It's an entire worldview for many theists. (and atheists have a very different worldview, in the same respect)

 

[suncowiam]

When it comes to dating as an atheist, do you tend to only date atheists? If you were to meet someone say, out at a club or wherever...and after a few dates, you discover that the person is a devout theist...would you continue dating the person?

Just curious.

I dated a Christian once. Didn't work well, and I vowed not to date religion again. LOL

Being serious now. From her perspective, she felt a hole with me as a companion for not understanding her beliefs. I didn't follow the same customs like going to church or praying before a meal.

From my perspective, I was really horny and she would always stop us at the concept of virginity. ARRGGGHHHH! =) But there were always loopholes to take advantage.

There's more to this of course...

Let's just say she was more conflicted and felt more guilt than me in that particular relationship but that's just my biased perspective.

 

[Deidre]

I dated a Christian once. Didn't work well, and I vowed not to date religion again. LOL

Being serious now. From her perspective, she felt a hole with me as a companion for not understanding her beliefs. I didn't follow the same customs like going to church or praying before a meal.

From my perspective, I was really horny and she would always stop us at the concept of virginity. ARRGGGHHHH! =) But there were always loopholes to take advantage.

There's more to this of course...

Let's just say she was more conflicted and felt more guilt than me in that particular relationship but that's just my biased perspective.

lol ^_^

That's just it. It isn't so much that I would have a terrible time dating a theist, especially a nominal one...but sooner or later, their beliefs would take over the relationship. Sooner or later, they would want someone to share in their belief system...which is understandable. Cohesiveness is important in theist relationships.

 

[Mequa]

lol ^_^

That's just it. It isn't so much that I would have a terrible time dating a theist, especially a nominal one...but sooner or later, their beliefs would take over the relationship. Sooner or later, they would want someone to share in their belief system...which is understandable. Cohesiveness is important in theist relationships.

Some atheists are like that too. I remember someone in Atheist Nexus chatroom asking me about converting my girlfriend to atheism.

Disgusted doesn't even begin to describe how I felt about that suggestion.

 

[Deidre]

Some atheists are like that too. I remember someone in Atheist Nexus chatroom asking me about converting my girlfriend to atheism.

Disgusted doesn't even begin to describe how I felt about that suggestion.

haha converting. as though atheism is a religion unto itself. ^_^

 

[Mequa]

haha converting. as though atheism is a religion unto itself. ^_^

I guess it is to some! hahaha

 

[Deathbydefault]

When it comes to dating as an atheist, do you tend to only date atheists? If you were to meet someone say, out at a club or wherever...and after a few dates, you discover that the person is a devout theist...would you continue dating the person?

Just curious.

Current girlfriend is agnostic

I would prefer not to date a religious girl, as I am always ranting irl about this and that concerning religion.
But if I feel as though I "love" that girl I doubt it will even cross my mind as a concern.
At that point it would be a 'cross that bridge when we come to it' situation.
Girl comes first, any issues can wait.

"The person is more important than the position" -unknown
Don't know what this person meant by "position" but let's keep our minds clean here

[edit] Switch "position" with "situation" it was a mis-translation on my part, sorry.

 

[Underhill]

When it comes to dating as an atheist, do you tend to only date atheists? If you were to meet someone say, out at a club or wherever...and after a few dates, you discover that the person is a devout theist...would you continue dating the person?

Just curious.

I've been married for over 20 years. But I married a christian girl when I was in transition into being an atheist. It has caused some issues over the years. But generally we manage okay. Sunday mornings she goes to church and I watch the DVR'd Bill Maher from the night before (she hates the show). During the week it almost never comes up.

 

[Yerda]

When it comes to dating as an atheist, do you tend to only date atheists? If you were to meet someone say, out at a club or wherever...and after a few dates, you discover that the person is a devout theist...would you continue dating the person?

Just curious.

I depends on what else I'd discovered.

 

[Deidre]

I've been married for over 20 years. But I married a christian girl when I was in transition into being an atheist. It has caused some issues over the years. But generally we manage okay. Sunday mornings she goes to church and I watch the DVR'd Bill Maher from the night before (she hates the show). During the week it almost never comes up.

good that you have managed to make it work out.

i dislike bill maher too...overrated but that's another story. lol

 

[Kilgore Trout]

At the age of 40, if I ever found myself single again, I would probably not date anyone who was overly-attached to irrational nonsense. I wouldn't date anyone much younger than I am, and the kind of differences I could find charming at 20 would just be sad and/or irritating at 40. If you haven't developed a rational/skeptical view of the world by this age, then you're not going to. And I wish you the best - I just couldn't be around it all the time.

 

[Deidre]

At the age of 40, if I ever found myself single again, I would probably not date anyone who was overly-attached to irrational nonsense. I wouldn't date anyone much younger than I am, and the kind of differences I could find charming at 20 would just be sad and/or irritating at 40. If you haven't developed a rational/skeptical view of the world by this age, then you're not going to. And I wish you the best - I just couldn't be around it all the time.

what a thoughtful response, thank you!

 

[Penumbra]

People that I've been attracted to tend to be rational/skeptic as well as socially liberal.

Being devoutly religious to some particular religion or dogma probably wouldn't match with me at all.

 

[Deidre]

People that I've been attracted to tend to be rational/skeptic as well as socially liberal.

Being devoutly religious to some particular religion or dogma probably wouldn't match with me at all.

That's how I feel as well. Funny, even when I was a Christian, I didn't adhere to strict dogma and had a hard time dating hard line Christians. Probably had more arguments as a Christian with Christian men I dated, than I do now, as a non-theist. lol

 

[Underhill]

I dunno...

I sense it's not really about theist vs. atheist. It's about respect. As example...

As reported above, I'm hyper-philosophical. I do share many of my musings with my wife, but only as many as she finds acceptable. After that, I come to places like this where everybody is by their presence volunteering to be philosophical, and nobody has to read my posts if they don't find them interesting.

My wife does the same thing. She is intensely interested in wildlife rehab. She tells me her stories, but she doesn't shove them on me. She has friends who will talk rehab 29 hours a day, so that covers what I can't do.

I don't see why theists and atheists can't do the same thing. Share where sharing is welcomed, and take it elsewhere after that.

If a partner won't do that, it's not really about their ideology, it's about their relationship with you. As example, how about a couple who are weak atheist / strong atheist? What if the strong atheist is always ranting about theists night and day? Does it really matter that they are an atheist, or is the problem that they are an inconsiderate ranter?

I agree in part. The problem is, I have a hard time respecting a view based in ignorance. I don't rant, but it can be hard to hide my feelings.

Which means I have to avoid the subject completely when talking with my wife.