-
Welcome to Religious Forums, a friendly forum to discuss all religions in a friendly surrounding.
Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:- Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
- Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
- Access to private conversations with other members.
We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!
Dating
- Thread starter Deidre
- Start date
Well, that's interesting. I can offer only this.
I am hyper-philosophical, a genetic defect.
My wife is a-philosophical, too wise and practical to concern herself with things she can do nothing about.
I have a relentless big picture focus, my wife is the master of detail.
If you stay married long enough, what tends to happen is that two individuals merge in to a single entity. If those two individuals are different in some respects, the resulting single entity winds up being bigger than if they were the same.
My last date was about 35 years ago, so I guess I won't comment there.
Dating??? What's that???
I am hyper-philosophical, a genetic defect.
My wife is a-philosophical, too wise and practical to concern herself with things she can do nothing about.
I have a relentless big picture focus, my wife is the master of detail.
If you stay married long enough, what tends to happen is that two individuals merge in to a single entity. If those two individuals are different in some respects, the resulting single entity winds up being bigger than if they were the same.
My last date was about 35 years ago, so I guess I won't comment there.
Dating??? What's that???
Marisa
Well-Known Member
No, I wouldnt. I have a dear friend who is atheist and his wife is not.
Last edited:
Okay, so I'm delving back into the mists of time here, since I haven't dated in 20 years (OMG!) but how I acted then still applies to my thinking now, I reckon.
1) Definitely wouldn't only date atheists. If I find someone attractive, and if they find me attractive, then that's good enough to start with. Actually, I've dated people I didn't find particularly attractive, as long as I found them interesting. Sometimes attraction builds, I find. But same basic theory. The dating process should be about getting to know someone. I don't like people to think 'Oh, he's an atheist, I know what he's like', so try not to do the same with others. Plus, I'm unlikely to know if someone I just met is a theist, unless they have they're 'Jesus Loves' t-shirt on, or are carting around Mjolnir in their boot. (see? I don't forget my pagan brothers...lol) Took me a while to work out my now wife's religious beliefs. (agnostic-ish initially, now atheist, but I swear I didn't hide her spirituality under a couch cushion)
2) A few dates in might be time for the first gentle conversations around this. 'Sure, I like you, by the way did you know I'm going to hell when I die?'...that kinda thing. If they don't have a problem with it, then I wouldn't either. Live and let live, upto a certain point.
3) Eventually, you get to know the person pretty well. Eventually, perhaps, you start thinking about longer term. Then it may become important to have a few conversations. For me, the big ticket items were marriage and kids. As in, do you want to get married, how would that work, do you want to have kids, and how would that work. It's really no different for ANY two people, regardless of theism-status, since even different flavours of Christianity, or cultural issues, or socio-economic backgrounds, or anything else can massively influence what you consider 'normal'. If you're at the point of seriousness with someone, then a few serious conversations should come with the territory.
So, on to specifics. I dated a practising Catholic, who happened to be an Anglo-Indian, for long enough to get to point 2 in the little list above. Actually, I was at point 2, but one thing I realised is that for some theists, point 2 and point 3 amount to the same thing.
We had the serious conversations and decided it wouldn't work for us. I can happily be married to someone with different beliefs to me, but I wouldn't make vows I don't believe in, and I was very reluctant to have any children I bore do the same. It was the right decision for me.
Having said that, in no way did it put me off dating either Christians or Anglo-Indians. She was a nice girl, and we had a few things in common. Depends how much time you're willing to invest in just getting to know someone versus finding 'The One' I guess.
Wow, you had a date only 20 years ago??? C'mon, don't be stingy, spill the beans, dish the dirt, give us the gossip. I met somebody once who had a date only 10 years ago! I have to tell you, that was an amazing conversation, they still remembered all kinds of stuff.
LMAO
Actually, the really strange thing is that one of my friends separated from his wife. (They'd been emotionally split for a long time, but hung around while their daughters finished high school).
He's in his fifties, and just keeps telling me how much 'dating' has changed...lol
Well that doesn't help at all. How am I supposed to know what changed if I can't remember what it was before???? Why are you being so uncooperative?? I've decided I'm not going to date you. My wife has decided that too.
Well that doesn't help at all. How am I supposed to know what changed if I can't remember what it was before???? Why are you being so uncooperative?? I've decided I'm not going to date you. My wife has decided that too.
I'm confused. Did your wife decide YOU weren't dating me, or did she decide SHE wasn't dating me?
He was trying to find nice places to meet girls, and it turns out that those places don't really exist (if they ever have).
Instead, people use apps to get hook-ups, and appear to meet life partners via dating sites, or in the same manner they always have (ie. complete accident, or based on one of their mates having a hot sister...)
Wouldn't that make the Christian also gay?
haha okay. This works I'd say in all aspects, except for religion. I have seen friends of mine who are married, and one is an atheist or a non-Christian, the other is Christian...and it's hard on them. Largely, because religion often decides a person's worldview, depending on how devout he/she is...Well, that's interesting. I can offer only this.
I am hyper-philosophical, a genetic defect.
My wife is a-philosophical, too wise and practical to concern herself with things she can do nothing about.
I have a relentless big picture focus, my wife is the master of detail.
If you stay married long enough, what tends to happen is that two individuals merge in to a single entity. If those two individuals are different in some respects, the resulting single entity winds up being bigger than if they were the same.
My last date was about 35 years ago, so I guess I won't comment there.
Dating??? What's that???
Congrats on your long marriage, though.
Yea, I should have clarified my opening post, but if you're just casually dating, it might not even come up...but, for more serious dating relationships, or once two people decide to takes things into becoming ''exclusive,'' that's when it would matter more.
Thanks for your comment! As I replied to Typist, if someone is into their religion, it sort of shapes their worldview...how they see politics, how they see a lot of things. I think ti's not as simple as many think it might be. I have also observed a few married couples whereby they both started out as Christians, and one or the other spouse decides to depart from the faith...and the marriage takes a rocky turn. Everyone is different though, so I can't apply the same broad brush to others, as I might apply to myself.
It could also be too that an atheist hooks up with another atheist...let's say they marry...and then, one or the other...converts to Christianity.
That could happen too. lolThat's just it though, often...many religious people feel the need to 'save' others or recruit them to their way of thinking. I'm happy you came out.
Last edited:
Oh, I totally agree. As I mentioned, once we got to the point of serious conversations, it became obvious to us both that it wouldn't work. But Christianity (I'll stick to what I'm familiar with) comes in such an array of flavours that it starts to depend on specifics. My point really is that you wouldn't know those specifics until you got to know each other reasonably well.
And 'atheism' is even less descriptive than 'Catholic'. It's about as informative as 'theist' really...
Not simple. No, definitely not. But possible. I think it's worth getting to know someone. Just as their religion may be a major hurdle in a marriage (for example) so too could be infertility, temper, incompatibility in bed, or a whole bunch of other things. I don't think religion in and of itself is a show stopper for me. But if forms a part of the whole, and COULD be a show stopper in that context.
I think this can be even tougher than starting off in different faiths. It could conceivably feel to one partner that the other is not growing with them. Equally, it could seem like one has been sold a false product (so to speak) when a previously agnostic partner suddenly becomes an active theist.
I think generalisations are normal, and kinda unavoidable. Recognising where you're applying them, and not holding to them in cases where there seems reason to think a person is different is important, imho.
Uh, @Servant_of_the_One1 , you realize this is the atheist DiR?
I take it you are not an atheist yourself?
I take it you are not an atheist yourself?
Augustus
…
Where I live, you assume everyone you meet is religious, anyone who limited themselves to dating atheists would find it pretty difficult. The word atheist also has strong negative connotations, so I tend to say that 'I'm not really religious' if someone asks. Religion is something that can't be ignored though in the long term.
As for serious relationships, the question is really how religious they are, what their religion is, and their attitude to my lack of religion.
Mixed faith marriages are not allowed here, so both people need to be of the same religion. I have no problem, in theory, converting to any faith for the purpose of marriage as long as it is understood that I am doing this purely for legal reasons and I don't actually believe in it at all. If they expected me to become religious then I would not agree.
Another major issue is children. I know people who have broken off engagements because they couldn't agree about their future child's religious education. These people were very anti-theist though and weren't willing to compromise.
This is the thing that causes me the most difficulties though. I wouldn't mind my wife raising the child in her faith, but I would like them to have a rounded understanding of belief and lack thereof. There are also limits to the kind of levels of religiosity that I could tolerate.
People I have dated tend to be Muslim or Christian (both Protestant and Catholic), and I have to admit I would have less problem with Christianity, although some of the Protestants here are a bit too 'evangelical' for my liking. Would be most comfortable with a Buddhist, but they're like 2% here so it's unlikely.
Ultimately, if I was in love, there would have to be some pretty serious differences before religion became a relationship breaker for me. My lack of religion is the thing that is likelier to be problematic in the long term.
I've yet to go on a date, but I don't think it's the "theism" part that could be a problem. it really depends on the person and whether they are prepared to accept that we can be together and be different. I think differences can enrich a relationship in the right context, and perhaps I would enjoy it as trying to see the world through someone else's eyes can be intimate. its more an issue of healthy boundaries I think.
I'm confused. Did your wife decide YOU weren't dating me, or did she decide SHE wasn't dating me?
Oh crap, now I'm REALLY confused! No wonder I stopped dating.
Well, if he's a fifty year old guy trying to meet girls, maybe he should try the police station. Oh dear, now I'm not going to be able to date him either.
Should I become single again someday, I already have my plan all figured out. I'm gonna hang out with the hot "girls" down at the Alzheimer's Club. That way, when I say a bunch of clueless dumb stuff that's supposedly funny (see this thread for details) they won't remember, and I can say it all again.
Ok, ok, since I have now sufficiently proven that I am a great comodian, and I'll leave this innocent thread in peace. Good luck out there!
Marisa
Well-Known Member
That's how I read your post. I've dated lots of believers and to a one, the relationships all broke up over other reasons. I could not see myself with a devout believer, because my non-belief is not something I am willing to pretend about. I had no intention of raising my kid in religion (which I'm not doing) and I wasn't excited about getting married in a church (which worked out, because none of the churches where I lived in the south were willing to marry an atheist). When I married my husband, his dog tags said "roman catholic" (they now say a6nostic) but he wasn't practicing and if you asked him if he believed in god, he'd go "meh".
It took him quite a while being with me (we celebrate 18 years this fall) me before he was willing to say "no", and I'm sure his family blames his lack of belief on me, though he'd tell you he hasn't believed since he was a kid (neither has his only brother and I had nothing to do with that, either).