Dating, sex, and marriage

[The Sum of Awe]

Have you considered a relationship where the sex isn’t regular but maybe on occasion rather than not at all? I don’t mean to sound rude but your standards would make it very difficult to meet someone, if not impossible. But at the same time you talk about this frustration a lot on here, so it seems you might truly desire another companionship? Are you sure you’d rather be alone rather than compromise?

if it isn’t too personal, do you find sex unpleasant yourself or do you just see it as dirty in the eyes of God?

 

[Trailblazer]

Without knowing much about your spiritual journey, I would suggest that participating in spiritual activities might be more helpful than simply seeking a relationship. Putting yourself in social situations with like minded people would expose you to relationships (romantic or otherwise) that may provide the companionship you seek.

I am a Baha'i, but unfortunately there are no in-person Baha'i activities in my community anymore, all activities are on Zoom. I became a member of two online Baha'i dating sites hoping to find a Baha'i man who shares my beliefs and values, but those sites are not very active and I have found nobody that I am interested in who is also interested in me on those sites.

Aside from that, I am not a very sociable person and I highly doubt I would meet a man who fits my requirements by attending social activities.

There are men out there who don't put sex on a pedestal, but add that in to a select spiritual perspective and age group with other requirements and that does make for a difficult task, especially since if you find someone who meets those requirements, you may not even be compatible. Letting a relationship grow organically without checking things off a list may be a more practical and fulfilling strategy.

There are men out there who don't put sex on a pedestal, but finding them is another matter altogether. The way I see it, there is no point letting a relationship grow unless it has the potential to lead somewhere, and I think two people need to put their cards on the table before getting very involved. Complete honesty is my policy.

Best of luck!

Thanks, I'll need it.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

My advice might be against-the-consensus and bleak, but...

I say, stick to your standards when it comes to relationships and sex. Dating is an inexact science, so changing yourself for someone, doesn't necessarily guarantee results, but could in fact go the other direction.

 

[Trailblazer]

Have you considered a relationship where the sex isn’t regular but maybe on occasion rather than not at all? I don’t mean to sound rude but your standards would make it very difficult to meet someone, if not impossible. But at the same time you talk about this frustration a lot on here, so it seems you might truly desire another companionship? Are you sure you’d rather be alone rather than compromise?

There might be men who are willing to compromise and I am okay with that. There was one man I met on a dating site who said he's be willing to have sex on an occasional basis, but I did not end up liking that man for other reasons so we parted ways.

The very fact that my standards would make it very difficult to meet someone, if not impossible, says something about a society that is thoroughly entrenched in sexuality, as if it is more important than anything else on earth. That alone is one reason why I want nothing to do with sex, as my attitude is a backlash to the societal norm.

I would rather be alone than forced to have sex when I do not want it. However, as I said in the OP, I don't know if I would want sex if I was in love and got married again. The jury is out.

if it isn’t too personal, do you find sex unpleasant yourself or do you just see it as dirty in the eyes of God?

This has nothing to do with sex being 'dirty in the eyes of God.' I once enjoyed sex but I have changed and I don't know if I could ever enjoy it again. Moreover, I have no sexual desire, so why try to create what is not there? I have no need for sex, so the only reason I would have it is if a man wanted it and we were married. I have no idea how I would feel about that since I am not in that situation.

 

[Trailblazer]

My advice might be against-the-consensus and bleak, but...

I say, stick to your standards when it comes to relationships and sex. Dating is an inexact science, so changing yourself for someone, doesn't necessarily guarantee results, but could in fact go the other direction.

I might be willing to compromise but I would never change myself for someone else. I have always been that way.
What they see is what they get, and if they don't like it they can go shopping somewhere else.

The longer I go being single the less I feel the need for a man. I am in no way desperate since I am financially secure for life and have more financial assets than any men I have met thus far. I don't need sex either, so what do I need a man for? The only thing I would want a man for is companionship and emotional support, and to share some common interests, which is what I had with my late husband.

 

[Evangelicalhumanist]

"I might be willing to have sex or I might even want sex with a man if I fall in love and get married, but I don’t want sex to be the primary focus in the relationship."

Here's something to think about: you can have sex with a person you love (or even just like a lot) every day, and sometimes twice a day -- and that will occupy something like just 3 or 4 percent of the time you have available to spend together. And then you have to consider what you're going to do with all the rest of that time - 96 or 97%.

I happen to think that if you can find ways to give each other comfort, support, just a shoulder, or sometimes even joy, during all the rest of the time you have available (and even give each other permission to spend some of that time on your own individual pursuits) you might find you've landed in what could be an absolutely magical relationship.

And the sex will still be an important, but hardly overwhelming, part of it.

 

[stvdv]

I only have so much time left and I want to spend it on my spiritual growth and helping others

Winner

 

[stvdv]

Men will say that sex is necessary for “bonding” but I don’t see it that way because I think that couples can be bonded together in love without sex. Sex is not love

Love = Heart to Heart
Sex = Body to Body

 

[stvdv]

It would not bother me so much if men would just admit that the reason that they want sex is for physical pleasure, because at least that is honest

I fully agree

At least you know how to know who is sincere. And indeed, I can imagine not many survive this criterion

 

[stvdv]

All that said, I might be willing to have sex or I might even want sex with a man if I fall in love and get married, but I don’t want sex to be the primary focus in the relationship. Maybe a man will come into my life who can understand and respect that, or maybe not. I have made myself available and now it is in God’s Hands.

I love your OP

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

My advice might be against-the-consensus and bleak, but...

I say, stick to your standards when it comes to relationships and sex. Dating is an inexact science, so changing yourself for someone, doesn't necessarily guarantee results, but could in fact go the other direction.

^This. Don't change yourself for a lover, because if they respected you, they would respect that. It's like, with me, I have a very high sex drive so I need someone who is just as horny as me. I'm not going to put up with celibacy.

 

[Truthseeker]

My best friend @Truthseeker has been married for 40 years and he has all those things but he hasn't had any sex since they first got married. They are bonded together in love for God and each other.

Not quite. We have son who born in 1988, and we were married in 1982. After that we still had sex. It stopped pretty soon afer that. My memory is not good on when it stopped, but I clearly remember being terrified that we were going to have another child not long after Michael was born. I can't explain now why I was terrified, because that was so long ago.

 

[Truthseeker]

I am very disheartened and disillusioned by what I have discovered on online dating sites, but I am not going to allow myself to get depressed over this, because I have finally realized that if I don’t get married again it won’t be the end of the world, and maybe it is better that I remain single.

Wow! Quite a long way you've come since July!

 

[Truthseeker]

I don't know if I can be happy on my own since I have never lived alone, except once for about a year before I got married. But I have decided that I would be better off alone than in a bad relationship, so I am going to be very careful who I marry if I marry again. I think I will know if a man is right one for me to marry, just as I knew the first time.

Meanwhile, I have eight cats so I am not all alone.

Good way to look at it.

 

[Truthseeker]

Since then I have not found another man who is a cat lover, they are all dog lovers.

I wouldn't want to marry someone who is a dog lover myself, or wouldn't be willing to give up her dogs.

 

[Trailblazer]

At least you know how to know who is sincere. And indeed, I can imagine not many survive this criterion

Well, I'll see if I can find just one, as I only need one man.

 

[Trailblazer]

I love your OP

Thanks, I worked hard on the OP. After I wrote it yesterday, I edited my Word document a few times before I got it exactly the way I wanted it, to say exactly what I wanted to convey.
It is nice to see that at least someone on here shares my sentiments. I was not expecting that.

 

[Trailblazer]

^This. Don't change yourself for a lover, because if they respected you, they would respect that. It's like, with me, I have a very high sex drive so I need someone who is just as horny as me. I'm not going to put up with celibacy.

It's good that you know that about yourself.
It will be easier for you to find someone like you than for me to find someone like me.

 

[Trailblazer]

Not quite. We have son who born in 1988, and we were married in 1982. After that we still had sex. It stopped pretty soon afer that. My memory is not good on when it stopped, but I clearly remember being terrified that we were going to have another child not long after Michael was born. I can't explain now why I was terrified, because that was so long ago.

So you stopped having sex because you were afraid that Sara might get pregnant? You never told me that. I thought she did not want sex with you because she is a lesbian.

 

[Trailblazer]

Wow! Quite a long way you've come since July!

Well Duane, you know what I went through with William, or whoever the hell he really is, and I learned a lot from that about what I want and don't want from that horrible experience.

I reticently admit that maybe there is a value to the tests, because I have come a long way, as you said.

There is a Russian man on Zoosk who lives up near Seattle and he wants my phone number but I explained why I cannot give it to him unless I can verify his identity.