Crying When Angry

[Fireside_Hindu]

So I have had an embarrassing problem for as long as I can remember, and while it's always bothered me I've gotten to the point where I feel like I really need to change.

When I get really angry - usually during a difficult conversation or argument - I reach a point where I can't control my emotions and I start to cry out of frustration. And once it starts, I can't stop it.

I recognize that this reaction is inherently unfair to the person I'm talking to. How are you supposed to talk to someone and accomplish anything when they're reacting like that? I worry that eventually, people will avoid discussing important things with me because they want to avoid my unreasonable reaction.

I've read a little bit online about it and it seems like a pretty common problem, but just because something is common doesn't mean it's healthy. I certainly don't want to bottle up my emotions but I want to be able to get to the root of my sensitivity.

I have considered therapy but I wanted to know if anyone here knew of any resources for cognitive behavior changes I can make in my everyday life in order to improve.

 

[jeager106]

I am likely much older than you. I'm 68 and learned long ago to control my emotions.
I had to as I was a police officer and an emotional cop gets into trouble quickly thus
I learned to take NOTHING personally and avoid getting angry at all cost.
I doubt you need therapy.

 

[Revoltingest]

So I have had an embarrassing problem for as long as I can remember, and while it's always bothered me I've gotten to the point where I feel like I really need to change.

When I get really angry - usually during a difficult conversation or argument - I reach a point where I can't control my emotions and I start to cry out of frustration. And once it starts, I can't stop it.

I recognize that this reaction is inherently unfair to the person I'm talking to. How are you supposed to talk to someone and accomplish anything when they're reacting like that? I worry that eventually, people will avoid discussing important things with me because they want to avoid my unreasonable reaction.

I've read a little bit online about it and it seems like a pretty common problem, but just because something is common doesn't mean it's healthy. I certainly don't want to bottle up my emotions but I want to be able to get to the root of my sensitivity.

I have considered therapy but I wanted to know if anyone here knew of any resources for cognitive behavior changes I can make in my everyday life in order to improve.

A useful trick is to make a conscious decision to not get angry.
Distance yourself from rage inducing thoughts by reminding yourself that the other person simply has opinions you disagree with.
Remind yourself that your state of mind is yours to control, not someone else's.
Take a moment to think of how you're above it all, & rooted in a calm place.

I use these tips when negotiating difficult matters IRL.
It lets me crush my opposition with greater ease & efficacy.

 

[Nakosis]

I had the same problem and I was more upset at my inability to control my emotions than the person who angered me.

Like jeager I had to learn to control my emotions. I basically never take any conversations personal regardless of how intentional it comes from the other party to make them so now.

And it was a long introspective process. I'd fail a lot to control my emotions, so I'd examine the conversation and try to understand what exactly caused the emotional feeling and decide on a way to better handle the conversation the next time. Each time I got a little better.

 

[Revoltingest]

I had the same problem and I was more upset at my inability to control my emotions than the person who angered me.

Like jeager I had to learn to control my emotions. I basically never take any conversations personal regardless of how intentional it comes from the other party to make them so now.

And it was a long introspective process. I'd fail a lot to control my emotions, so I'd examine the conversation and try to understand what exactly caused the emotional feeling and decide on a way to better handle the conversation the next time. Each time I got a little better.

So many people here could benefit from this.
They confuse how they feel with intentions towards them.
Disagree about something....then they rage & accuse.
Life must be so needlessly stressful for them at times.

 

[RedDragon94]

I worry that eventually, people will avoid discussing important things with me because they want to avoid my unreasonable reaction.

Don't worry, I have already gotten to this point on this site whenever I try to post something. I guess in life you have to find people that will love you no matter what kind of shananigans you're going through, which can be rough. But this is one of the reasons for spirituality, healing. If you distance yourself from the thing that you think you need you may find that you don't need it after all. At least that's what Buddha taught.

 

[Curious George]

So I have had an embarrassing problem for as long as I can remember, and while it's always bothered me I've gotten to the point where I feel like I really need to change.

When I get really angry - usually during a difficult conversation or argument - I reach a point where I can't control my emotions and I start to cry out of frustration. And once it starts, I can't stop it.

I recognize that this reaction is inherently unfair to the person I'm talking to. How are you supposed to talk to someone and accomplish anything when they're reacting like that? I worry that eventually, people will avoid discussing important things with me because they want to avoid my unreasonable reaction.

I've read a little bit online about it and it seems like a pretty common problem, but just because something is common doesn't mean it's healthy. I certainly don't want to bottle up my emotions but I want to be able to get to the root of my sensitivity.

I have considered therapy but I wanted to know if anyone here knew of any resources for cognitive behavior changes I can make in my everyday life in order to improve.

I do not think it is a problem at all. Don't be confused by people talking about "control" of their emotions.

The fact is, people are often emotional invested in positions. Thus, frustration abounds when dealing with those of a different position. Many can emotionally divorce themselves from a given topic. Many more pretend they can. If the conversation is about whether someone says po-tay-toe or po-tah-toe chances are no one is too emotionally invested.

But if the argument rests on core beliefs, then people are not going to give up their positions so easily. In fact, because of these emotional attachments we do not see core beliefs change quickly at all. Rather core beliefs change over time.

That you begin crying when you feel emotionally overloaded is reason to table the discussion and return. Some who pretend to be "in control" of their emotions are either not emotionally invested in a position or are masking the emotional impact.

In the latter case, they should be tabling the discussion and responding to it later. In the former they are not addressing a tightly held belief or they do not feel that their beliefs are challenged by the opposition.

In the case of these last two, the person should not object to suspending the argument when such is possible.

In the event that the argument requires immediate resolution, the two, regardless of their emotional state, should use negotiation techniques to reach an agreeable decision. If the two are in an emotional state this makes this a harder achievement. So, perhaps recognizing an emotional distressed state in the situation is your queue to recognize that you will not get everything you want, and focus on getting the most you can.

 

[dgirl1986]

I used to do this as well and I have had therapy and dealt with stuff that has made it easier for me to refrain from this when in difficult situations.

I think that sometimes it could be from deeper unresolved events that we still feel angry or upset about without actually realizing it and that an instance of anger or frustration can bring it all to the surface.

 

[DawudTalut]

So I have had an embarrassing problem for as long as I can remember, and while it's always bothered me I've gotten to the point where I feel like I really need to change.

When I get really angry - usually during a difficult conversation or argument - I reach a point where I can't control my emotions and I start to cry out of frustration. And once it starts, I can't stop it.

I recognize that this reaction is inherently unfair to the person I'm talking to. How are you supposed to talk to someone and accomplish anything when they're reacting like that? I worry that eventually, people will avoid discussing important things with me because they want to avoid my unreasonable reaction.

I've read a little bit online about it and it seems like a pretty common problem, but just because something is common doesn't mean it's healthy. I certainly don't want to bottle up my emotions but I want to be able to get to the root of my sensitivity.

I have considered therapy but I wanted to know if anyone here knew of any resources for cognitive behavior changes I can make in my everyday life in order to improve.

Peace be on you.
Some more opinions
argue without crying - Google Search

 

[YmirGF]

What an interesting reaction to getting angry. I can't say that I have ever cried at such points as I become extremely calm, detached, really. I don't quite know how to explain it but I harness the anger and in a cold methodical way I let it propel me through the experience. I'm not afraid to get angry but, at the same time, it takes quite a lot to make me angry. Anger can be beneficial when you remove the propensity for violence. It can be a powerful motivator.

 

[Fireside_Hindu]

What an interesting reaction to getting angry. I can't say that I have ever cried at such points as I become extremely calm, detached, really. I don't quite know how to explain it but I harness the anger and in a cold methodical way I let it propel me through the experience. I'm not afraid to get angry but, at the same time, it takes quite a lot to make me angry. Anger can be beneficial when you remove the propensity for violence. It can be a powerful motivator.

My husband is like this. I tell him all the time I wish I could a little more lie him. I call what he does "Being productively angry". That's what I really want. I want my anger to achieve something useful, rather than turn me into a puddle

 

[Marisa]

So I have had an embarrassing problem for as long as I can remember, and while it's always bothered me I've gotten to the point where I feel like I really need to change.

When I get really angry - usually during a difficult conversation or argument - I reach a point where I can't control my emotions and I start to cry out of frustration. And once it starts, I can't stop it.

I recognize that this reaction is inherently unfair to the person I'm talking to. How are you supposed to talk to someone and accomplish anything when they're reacting like that? I worry that eventually, people will avoid discussing important things with me because they want to avoid my unreasonable reaction.

I've read a little bit online about it and it seems like a pretty common problem, but just because something is common doesn't mean it's healthy. I certainly don't want to bottle up my emotions but I want to be able to get to the root of my sensitivity.

I have considered therapy but I wanted to know if anyone here knew of any resources for cognitive behavior changes I can make in my everyday life in order to improve.

I have the same problem, which is probably why I don't allow myself to let emotions into serious discussions. It's not the best solution I admit, because consequently I'm called "cold" and "heartless" and "condescending" by many who don't know me that well.