Computer Jokes.

[mrscardero]

For those computer beer lovers.

UltraViolet's Tower.

OMG!!! This would be great for Sunstone, Quagmire, Mister_T and other beer drinkers!

I placed an order. I want to make sure things are taken care
of when I pass.

 

[McBell]

I do not know who the original author is but here you go:

Idiots on the Computer

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
​

Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.
Source

 

[freethinker44]

Here is a joke for you.

 

[McBell]

Here is a joke for you.

I don't get it...


nor do I want it

 

[McBell]

Proper Diskette and Care Usage

(1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak
out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the
drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in
pencil holders.

(2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a
powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any
stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring
powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure
the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to
spin faster, resulting in better access time.

(3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the
drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in
"Little" drives.

(4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The
data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the
intricate mechanics of the drive.

(5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a
photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be
backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive.
Whenever you update a document, the data will be written
onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup
copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk.
When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings
liberally between the diskettes before inserting them
into the drive.

(6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the
drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so
could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is
known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is
hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins
before being allowed to access the slot.

(7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space,
remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for
two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data
compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover
all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

(8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more
holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more
simultaneous access points to the disk.

(9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading.....

Author Unknown​

 

[McBell]

QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete
them on my PC?

ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you
ask:

* The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and contraception."

* The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become
letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

* The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

* The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

* Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

* Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

* IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

* PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:

You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
​

Author Unknown​

 

[McBell]

31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
-- Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, 11/15/94.

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded
that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with
laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the
next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and
you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged
into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than .

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely
enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house
without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that
you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information
about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and
three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where
they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead
of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand what Geordi is talking about on Star Trek:The Next
Generation, and can correct him when he says something that is ovbviously
incorrect.

31. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that
you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

 

[McBell]

Support, Santa Cruz Style or Where Do These People Come From?
by Jeff Liebermann 07/09/94
(All these really happened to me since 1983.)

1. "My hard disk won't boot". I suggest they take the floppy
out of drive A:. Later when I arrive, they have successfully
removed the floppy drive from the machine (with the floppy disk
still inside).

2. "My dog goes nuts when I run Windows. No problem with any
DOS programs". Her monitor had a cracked flyback transformer.
When the multisync monitor switched scan rates upon entering
Windows, the high frequency audio produced by the broken flyback
was heard by the dog.

3. "Michaelangelo virus ate my hard disk, but I have a tape
backup. Can you help me restore the system". No problem.
When I arrive, I find the data on the tape was 18 months old and
that she had never run a backup. "I thought you just shoved
in the tape and it sucked up the data".

4. "How do I get on the national data information super highway?".
I ask if he has accounts on any bbs's. He has Netcom, Compuserve,
and others. I tell him he's already on the highway.
"Is that all there is?" I hangup.

5. "What's the fastest way to move 500MBytes of data daily
from Santa Cruz to Los Angeles?". Answer: FedEx.

6. How many RJ45 connector does it take to build 8ea 10baseT cables?
Answer: 45. I put the first 16 connectors on with one end backward.
I then chopped off the good ends. Chopping off the other 8 connectors
and effectively starting over consumed another 16 connectors. The
2nd try resulted in one end being mirror-imaged. Chopping of 8 more
connectors I finally got them wired correctly. Then I tested them
for continuity and found 5 bad crimps. Total=45.

7. "What kind of hard disk do you have?" Well... It's black
with a little red light ... (groan).

8. Most common support call. "I lost my CMOS setup. How many
heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?".

9. "I move the mouse in any direction and the cursor only moves
an inch or so on the screen and stops".
Take the foam shipping ring out from around the mouse ball.

10. "My systems on fire. What do I do?".
Ummmmm. Turn it off? "(Click)"

11. Most hated support call: "I'm not sure if we need a computer
system. Can you give me the relative advantages of Unix, DOS,
Windows, Novell, MacIntosh, Sun, etc...?".

12. Favorite software support call: "I just installed Word 6.0
for Windows. It's really big and slow. How much will it cost
to upgrade my machine?"

13. "My floppy drive won't read disks". I suggest they clean out
the dust from the drive. "I can't". Huh? "The dust won't move".
I find that they were using spray glue near the machine and that
all the dust was glued in place.

14. How to impress a new customer: I walk into the computer room
and knock the fire extinguisher off the wall which immediately
sprays everything with dust.

15. "My printer stopped working". Turn it upside down and shake
out the staples and paper clips. Works every time.

16. "Can you teach me how to use a computer?".
I answer: No. I just fix the machines, I don't use them.

17. The company motto: "If this stuff worked, you wouldn't need me".

18. From one of my smarter clients:
"Why is something broken every time you're here?"

19. "I'm trying to install a 2nd IDE drive. Support told me to
take out ALL the jumpers". How many did you take out? "12".
(What they meant were the two easily accessible jumpers).

20. I call a manufacturer to order a manual on some junk I picked up
surplus. The receptionist asks my name and company. She notes
that I'm not in their database and could she have my address and phone
numbers. No problem. I'm then transfered to the customer service
department which notes that I'm not in the database and asks for the
same information. The customer service person transfers me to the
the parts department which notes that I'm not in the database etc...
Since the manual will take a few days to arrive, I ask for tech
support who notes that I'm not in the database etc... The manual
arrived promptly followed by 4 identical envelopes of promotional
literature with exactly the same name and address.

21. Question LEAST likely to be answered correctly by support:
"What is the current version of your software/hardware/firmware?"

22. Pacific Telephone Support Dept (Dial 611 for repair service),
now asks you to punch in your phone number, and then warns you that
you will be asked to verbally recite the same number when the
service operator answers. I wonder what happens if they're different?

23. Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

24. Fax back information service for additional information from
one vendor requesting just one item returns a copy of their catalog
page plus 10 pages of promotional garbage.

25. Email autoreply from support@_______.com
Thank you for your support request.
(drivel deleted)
Please refer to support request number:
Error: cannot create /u/something/filename
(4 lines of garbage deleted)
in future correspondence. Your request will be processed
in the order received.
(more garbage with Out of space on hd(1,41) mixed in.)

26. Conversation with support at a certain controller manufacturer.
"I can't answer that, please call your dealer".
"I am the dealer."
"Then call your distributor"
"He said for me to call you"
"Then have the customer call us"
"AAAAAGH!" <click

27. Modems and payphones don't mix. I hotwired my laptop into the
mouthpiece of a payphone and proceeded to do system maintenance on
a customers machine. The sheriff arrived shortly and proceeded to
interrogate me. Someone called complaining that I was using a computer
to steal money from the payphone.

28. Having my system page me when it does an unscheduled reboot
was a good idea. Having all my customers machines do the same
was a mess after a power failure and 100+ pages.

29. "My hard disk has a virus!". How can you tell, I ask?
"When I type DIR, it says VIRUS <DIR and some date stuff".
(Hint: Never name the directory for virus scanning software VIRUS).

30. Some monitor manufacturers suggest using alchohol to clean the
screen. They forget to mention that the monitor should be off. (Boom).

31. I told a customer to take his machine to a gas station and
have them blow the dust out. The gas station hands him a 150psi
air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil. I got to clean up
the mess for free. He also mangled the floppy heads with the
high pressure.

32. Oxymoron candidate: Disk Protector. That's the cardboard
disk they shove in the floppy drive for shipping. More drives
have been mangled by shoving in the wrong shape, backwards, or bent
than have ever been protected by them. Use a floppy disk instead.

33. What's the difference between a Van DeGraf static generator
and a belt driven vacuum cleaner? Answer: Not much. Don't use
a vacuum to clean your computer.

34. After the cleaning service crashed the computer for the 4th
time by plugging the floor sweeper into the UPS, I decided to take
action. I suggested they install "child proof" plastic plugs in
any outlets deemed worthy of protection. The order went though the
chain of confusion, and I was soon blessed with 1000 child proof
plugs hot stampled with "Protected". I gave instructions to
install about 10 of them on the protected outlets. However, the
maintenance person assigned to the task knew nothing and proceeded
to plaster every outlet in the building with the plugs. Mutiny
was averted by spending all night removing the monsters. Three
years later, they are still appearing.

35. Hint: Do not allow long hair black cats to sleep atop laser
printers and tape drives. The black hair is almost invisible in
black pattens, gears, and rollers.

36. Forensic filth analysis is a new part of computer repair. I
now carry a microscope and some chemicals which are used to determine
the exact nature of the filth I remove from keyboards, mice, computers,
light pens. While nobody pays me to do this, it definately adds
to the entertainment value.

37. Why do customers think that I maintain a document and device
driver library for every conceivable board ever made?

38. From a hard disk drive manufacturer: "The drive stopped working.
I poped the little plug and noticed it was awful dry inside.
I added some oil but it didn't help".

39. Which arrow key? There are 17 arrows on the keyboard.

40. Favorite error message: "Out of paper on drive D:"
This was produced by a timeout error on a slow WORM drive and
a defective AT/IO card.

41. At one time, I was into antique furniture. When I purchased
my first computer (IBM 4.77 PC), I decided that it deserved a suitable
antique table. I ask the local antique dealer: "Do you have an
antique computer desk?". He looks at me with a strange look and
says: "They didn't have computers when this stuff was made".

42. When 3.5" floppies first appeared, some users were confused
with the operation of the write protect window. One user wanted
to be doubly sure that the disk would be safe from his mistakes.
He correctly opened the window and just to be sure, covered it
with one of the magic write protect tabs from a 5.25" floppy.

43. Favorite Windoze game: "Guess what this icon does?"

 

[McBell]

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed
specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the
standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which
will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are
not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys
proposed so far are:

1) GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection
Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose
of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to
run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred
automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for
further action or third party intervention.

3) ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of
Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative
adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows
within the file being edited.

4) MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing
for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

5) FUD key--Self explanatory.

6) Chicago key--Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

7) IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or
applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.

Author Unknown
​

 

[McBell]

Subject: VIRUS ALERT

PLEASE IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches
it. (But that part will never work again.)

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're
getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack:
Once, if by LAN; twice, if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first
see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent
of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin
of error).

RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong,
and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on
your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional
virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286AT.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
​

Linda Anderson
​

 

[McBell]

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE AIRLINES:

DOS Air: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of
the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off
when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again,
push it back into the air, hop on, et cetera.

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look
the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions
about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't
need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the
movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is very neat and clean, the
attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The
fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet
takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at
20,000 feet it explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few
prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their
flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there
are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around,
apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from
time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the
field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be
on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows
Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for
the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until
mid-1995. Maybe longer.

Fly Windows NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the
tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit
down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are
flying.

Unix Express: all passenger bring a piece of the airplane and a
box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac,
arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build
and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into
groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all
the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.
All passengers believe they got there.

Wings of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably
the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on
their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight
attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the
drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless
you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and
membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but
your accounting department can call it overhead.

MVS Air Lines: The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching
hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense,
luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over
1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet can have more
engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers than
there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger
mile to operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft
ever built, unless you personally have to pay for the ticket.
All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the 200 technicians
needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot takes his place up in
the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the
plane is too big to get through the hangar doors. -
​

Author Unknown
​