Choosing to be offended

[Kooky]

You frequently hear people say something along the lines of:
"If you're offended by what I say, it's because you chose to be offended."

In my experience, the people who say such things tend to be the most abrasive and irritating conversation partners by a mile, and often also tend to have enormous, yet curiously fragile egos that are unable to withstand even the slightest amount of criticism.

What are you guys' experiences with statements of this type, and the people who make them?

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

That philosophy sounds like the people who have the philosophy of "Your feelings don't matter", a crowd I haven't seen a lot lately but have in the past during the Trump era.

 

[A Vestigial Mote]

You frequently hear people say something along the lines of:
"If you're offended by what I say, it's because you chose to be offended."

In my experience, the people who say such things tend to be the most abrasive and irritating conversation partners by a mile, and often also tend to have enormous, yet curiously fragile egos that are unable to withstand even the slightest amount of criticism.

What are you guys' experiences with statements of this type, and the people who make them?

I think they are correct. I have found in my traverses of life that you can, literally, choose not to be offended by anything anyone says - provided it stays just what is being said, and doesn't result in, for example, some kind of slander that affects reputation, business prospects, life or livelihood. Seriously - it IS a choice. There really are no two ways about it to my mind.

And as a sort of "proof" I would give this: let's say someone says something about you in another language that you do not understand. Are you offended? The answer is no. Now... you could CHOOSE to go on to figure out what that person said, and then take offense, but it literally takes making that choice to do so. Do you imagine it impossible then, to put up your own blockade on someone's incoming words of choice? Do you think it literally impossible to even just pretend that the other person has no idea what they are saying? Somewhere in there lies the key. You don't have to be offended.

I was once arguing with my neighbor over some actual, physical stupidity she was engaged in that was endangering her children, and at times I would wear a shirt with the "Lego" logo emblazoned on it. She apparently had seen this previously, and she said something along the lines of "You're just a 30+ year old geek who plays with Legos." Now - the intent was surely to offend me. But she had no idea what she was saying. For one, I couldn't care less if someone thought I was a "geek." I would pride myself on the idea that I am not like the other schleps I see walking about in a sort of "stupor of worldliness." Not only that... but I absolutely love playing with Legos, and have not one lick of shame over the idea. So... what was there to be offended about? The fact that she was TRYING to offend me? Pah... what garbage. That endeavor failed the moment the idea came into her mind. Because I can CHOOSE not to be offended, and I know it. So what did I do? Continue to berate her for the actual, detrimental, physical contributions she was making to the world.

Stay on task... don't get distracted. DON'T BE "OFFENDED."

 

[Revoltingest]

I run into such posters at times.
I usually avoid'm.
But sometimes I'll respond playing their game, & watch the fireworks.
It happened just today, with an opportunity just too delicious to pass up.

 

[Polymath257]

Some people deliberately try to be offensive. They go out of their way to be so.

You have a choice whether to let them succeed. Consider the source and how little they matter.

 

[A Vestigial Mote]

I would like to add to what I said earlier - which was mostly thinking in terms of someone saying hurtful words with the intent to offend. That crap should simply never be worried over, unless it results in actual, physical detriment. Like a gang of people around you suddenly turn on you with malicious intent because someone is shouting about how you are a witch or something.

However - there are times when "getting offended" (after a fashion) is warranted I feel. So, for instance, let's say someone is talking about their religion, and starts saying that they are in talks with their local senator, and he has agreed that they should work toward legislating some part or another of an item that is very specific to their faith's doctrine, and not really at all applicable on a grander scale than that - for example, no one doing any work of any kind on Sundays - or something equally as ridiculous. Am I just going to stand by, nod my head and smile at the fool before me? No. I will have taken offense at their words and decide instead to take them head-on, and attempt to sway them from what I deem to be their errant ways. The idea on whether or not that kind of offense is still a "choice" or not, I am not sure.

But derogatory words of any kind - I just don't see a reason to be "offended." I don't. If they are otherwise truthful - perhaps there is reason to be contrite or self-introspective? If they are untruthful - then they should be entirely too easy to ignore.

 

[Vinayaka]

You frequently hear people say something along the lines of:
"If you're offended by what I say, it's because you chose to be offended."

In my experience, the people who say such things tend to be the most abrasive and irritating conversation partners by a mile, and often also tend to have enormous, yet curiously fragile egos that are unable to withstand even the slightest amount of criticism.

What are you guys' experiences with statements of this type, and the people who make them?

I have never figured out how people are such mind readers that they know another person's triggers. If the person says they're offended, why not trust that? Nobody knows the back story of another person.

 

[Kooky]

I think they are correct. I have found in my traverses of life that you can, literally, choose not to be offended by anything anyone says - provided it stays just what is being said, and doesn't result in, for example, some kind of slander that affects reputation, business prospects, life or livelihood. Seriously - it IS a choice. There really are no two ways about it to my mind.

You seem to assume a massive amount of conscious control over one's own emotions.

However - there are times when "getting offended" (after a fashion) is warranted I feel. So, for instance, let's say someone is talking about their religion, and starts saying that they are in talks with their local senator, and he has agreed that they should work toward legislating some part or another of an item that is very specific to their faith's doctrine, and not really at all applicable on a grander scale than that - for example, no one doing any work of any kind on Sundays - or something equally as ridiculous. Am I just going to stand by, nod my head and smile at the fool before me? No. I will have taken offense at their words and decide instead to take them head-on, and attempt to sway them from what I deem to be their errant ways. The idea on whether or not that kind of offense is still a "choice" or not, I am not sure.

Would you make that same exception for other people, or only for yourself?

 

[A Vestigial Mote]

You seem to assume a massive amount of conscious control over one's own emotions.

I probably do. I don't know anything else, except by the reactions I see in others. Which sometimes, to be honest, often appear quite ridiculous.

Would you make that same exception for other people, or only for yourself?

Obviously anyone is capable of being offended by whatever they feel they need to be. I am not saying that "not taking offense" is "the way." All I am saying is that there is a choice element to it, and if you don't like being distracted, if you want to be able to stride through insults without taking on a scratch... it's entirely possible. I do it all the time.

However - if you like the feelings that come to you when you are offended, if you like becoming angry at others when they say things to you of a derogatory nature, if you enjoy the aftermath of letting your feelings get the best of you... then by all means! Continue! If you don't like those things however... perhaps there is an alternative?

I, myself, often use insult and offense to my ultimate advantage. I mention this because I feel it should make you angry that I am able to do so. I know people don't like hearing certain things about themselves or their positions, and so I use that to bait them into deeper conversation - and for the most part they can't do the same to me. They are incapable - and yet they don't know this. So I have a secret weapon - the ability to offend, while being impervious to attempts of the same kind. I don't get distracted - I go back at them to the point, and dismiss any derogatory comments they have made out of hand. Stick to what I find distasteful in their opinion or stance. I may insult them, sure - but its only because I know it works to draw them in. And you know what - sometimes it doesn't! And I find myself having to take an entirely different tack with that sort of person. The person who also ignores those things entirely like I do, and sticks to the facts alone. I can do either.

 

[Revoltingest]

I don't think people choose to be offended.
But one can choose to not be offended.

 

[Unveiled Artist]

Some people deliberately try to be offensive. They go out of their way to be so.

You have a choice whether to let them succeed. Consider the source and how little they matter.

I think that's the one I dislike the most-the intentional defenses. I realize the difference when I ask for clarification-the intentional ones don't clarify and assume first understanding, and the ones who actually meant no offense will clarify.

I guess it depends.

 

[Unveiled Artist]

I don't think people choose to be offended.
But one can choose to not be offended.

I think it's more... physiologically the brain thinks its an attack depending how its said-flight/fight. If one is aware of this reaction, they can take a break or take a breather to calm down before saying anything intentional. So, the person shouldn't be told not to take an offense or its their fault, but more accept that people do take offense (and it could be the other's fault), but How we handle it between feeling and responding is the key. We can't help the physical reaction to the offense but with mindfulness it helps how to respond. Just ideas throwing out there.

 

[epronovost]

I think the idea of "choosing to be offended" is ridiculous. Being offended is an impulsive emotional reaction. It's no more a choice than being scared is choice. How you act based on that feeling of offense is a choice. You can choose to let it slide and carry on, but you can't not be offended by anything at will. Emotions aren't choices. They are reaction. If you can have some forewarning, you can blunt it and keep your emotions in check, but not in any setting.

 

[Unveiled Artist]

I honestly don't believe one should suppress or try to change being offended and/or try to believe that it is their fault in being offensive. I think more that being mindful and "accept" that one is offended and assertively are able to tell the others his or her feelings about that without the feelings being discredited. I don't find it appropriate to say that people can choose all their negative reactions. It's a brain-thing not something controlled. It's How one responds that's the key, really.

I mean, we can't change what others do and say and we can't change our neurological and physiological self responds (unless we're robots), but both can be aware of their own actions. The thing I notice is that those who speak on RF do so intentionally while those who react most likely do not do so intentionally. It's best to choose what to say and do and learn how to manage Not control how one reacts.

Takes practice.

 

[Stevicus]

You frequently hear people say something along the lines of:
"If you're offended by what I say, it's because you chose to be offended."

In my experience, the people who say such things tend to be the most abrasive and irritating conversation partners by a mile, and often also tend to have enormous, yet curiously fragile egos that are unable to withstand even the slightest amount of criticism.

What are you guys' experiences with statements of this type, and the people who make them?

Some people have the view that, we can't control the actions of others, but we can control our own reactions to what other people say or do. So, it might be a matter of deciding whether one's reaction is appropriate and reasonable to the nature of the offense. Some people have a lower threshold than others.

It might also be partly due to political and social changes which have occurred over the past century. There was once a time when people thought jazz was offensive and should be banned - or at least condemned and boycotted. Movies and TV shows self-censored so as to become as inoffensive as possible (although some people see those old movies and shows as offensive by today's standards). They even made Barbara Eden cover up her navel on I Dream of Jeannie because they thought it would offend viewers.

In the 60s and 70s and beyond, there was a reaction against that, when people refused to conform and started doing things that shocked and offended a lot of people, oftentimes deliberately. Nothing was sacred anymore. Anyone could say whatever they wanted and offend anybody, and if anyone didn't like it - tough. In many ways, the same general attitude still exists, although there have been some voices appealing for more civility, politeness, and sensitivity.

One thing is certain: In a society which cherishes free speech and freedom of expression, one will invariably hear things one doesn't like. There's no way around it.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Feelings are complicated. Some people have pre-existing trauma, and if we know about this ahead, we should be a little easier on them. I actually think this forum is pretty good about that - yes, even the regular members are. I know it may not seem that way. But for every 100 good scenarios you don't hear about and don't recognize just passing by, you'll only ever take notice to that 1 situation that gets kind of 'botched'. And while it is true some have their emotions extremely in check, sometimes that isn't always healthy either (from experience) and if you are just completely turning all your emotions off, you may be bottling things up and possibly headed for a crash. Then there are new members - they haven't seen all the same things as us on here so may not always properly understand when a person is joking, etc - just yet.

So given all these variables, yeah, if someone tells us they're offended, I think we should listen.

 

[ADigitalArtist]

Agree with @epronovost that you cannot choose whether your emotions are activated by something. You can only choose how to behave after the emotional activation. And even that choice is fraught. Emotional processing being 'simple' is a very neurotypical thing. There are a lot of psychological disorders where emotional regulation is a constant struggle. There is most certainly a psychosomatic component to how people handle offensive material and just telling them to 'deal with it, it's not hard' is both unconstructive and untrue. And often requires a lot more empathy than the toxicity levels of our current culture allows.

People should strive to work on emotional regulation, but other people shouldn't pretend their actions should have no emotional reaction. There is and should be consequences for what you say.

 

[Erebus]

You frequently hear people say something along the lines of:
"If you're offended by what I say, it's because you chose to be offended."

In my experience, the people who say such things tend to be the most abrasive and irritating conversation partners by a mile, and often also tend to have enormous, yet curiously fragile egos that are unable to withstand even the slightest amount of criticism.

What are you guys' experiences with statements of this type, and the people who make them?

You can choose to be offended in the sense that you can actively seek out content that you know will offend you. Tabloid newspapers frequently cater to people who want to be offended for example.

Other than that, feeling offended is an involuntary reaction. We don't make a conscious choice about how we're going to feel at the moment we experience something. We have more control over how we process and express that emotion after the fact, though this still isn't as simple as choosing not to be offended. How easily you can shrug something off depends on your personality, your mood, your current life situation and a host of other factors that may or may not be under your direct control.


As for the people who argue that we should just choose not to be offended, I think they broadly fall into one of three categories:

1. People genuinely trying to be helpful by promoting positive thinking.
2. People who vastly overestimate their ability to regulate their emotions.
3. People who don't have the guts to admit they intended to cause offence.

I have sympathy for the first category, though I think they're oversimplifying the issue. I'm always amused when people in the second category throw a temper tantrum. I have nothing but contempt for people in the third category.

 

[Dawnofhope]

A Baha’i should avoid both giving offence and taking offence. It’s not always easy but that is the goal for many people of different faiths and ideologies who choose a spiritual path.

 

[Jainarayan]

It ranks with “I’m outspoken, I speak my mind” regarding unsolicited advice or personal comments. No, you’re rude and have no filter or class. Just because you can say something doesn’t mean you should, and then say I chose to be offended.