I hit my broken point today. 
Well, actually, it was the middle of the night last night, but I'm still broken.
I haven't recovered from the vacation. Its been kind of snowballing ever since...
At some point in the vacation, my husband switched from his carefree attitude to "I didn't know this was going to be this expensive" over and over and over again... I specifically recalled someone in the family stating it was going to be extraordinary expensive to travel in this economic situation(maybe it was the toddler?) At some point, I got frustrated and asked my teenager(in all seriousness) why no one listens to me when I talk. He told me, with a brutal honestly and a neutrality(he genuinely was not trying to be hurtful or offensive)only one on the spectrum can deliver well "Oh, its because no one cares what you have to say." Ah, well, thanks kid. You're right. Why couldn't I see that?
I have a role in life. I fix. I solve problems other people can't(provided they don't involve math), and I have the uncomfortable conversations others can't bring themselves to start(but must be said). I've spent the last several months defending my 'people' from a bully we can't be rid of(long story). No one else in the situation has the... well, you know what word I'm looking for. Managing my very unusual household is a challenge few understand as well. Occasionally, someone gets an insight, and I'll get a pat on the back with an "I don't know how you do it", but its exhausting to know there isn't really anyone who can take the reins for me if I'm indisposed. (I recall the kids unknowingly pushing me off the couch, onto the floor, when we all had Covid.)
When you need the unfixable solved, call George! (Unless its math. Then leave me out of it.)
Last night my husband shared(I use that term loosely) how much financial trouble we got into on the trip. He blew through the money we borrowed, blew through the little that was in our account, and reverted to credit cards. (Big no-no.) He shared this when I'm looking at means to potentially afford a very expensive surgery for a cat that spontaneously developed peeing problems(he's only 5, and has never had trouble before, but he keeps getting 'clogged', which is life threatening). I have a little squirreled away for pet problems(that isn't accessible to anyone else) , but this will go beyond that scope.
I'm not an emotional person. He is(usually in the form of urgency and agitation). Sometimes he takes my lack of emotion as lack of care, but I simply explain, again and again, becoming angry doesn't make the problem lessen. I prefer to keep my composure and think logically. I did so here. We go to bed. But later, I wake up and cry that I can fix a lot of things, hell, I can fix most things, but I can't fix everything all the time. This isn't normal for me, so he says nothing(because there's nothing he can say), and just holds me for awhile, and then falls asleep again.
Unfortunately, when I break, I stay down for a little while. Maybe its my brain's way of forcing me to recooperate. I'm keeping what little energy I have for the things I have to do no matter what(kid care, pet care... the dishes can go to hell). I have a therapist appointment in half an hour, which are nice, but some things are just difficult, no matter how much therapy you apply.
Anyways, I'm just ranting. I've always reserved the right to complain(you shouldn't be surprised to hear me say better out than in). (Living)chicken pictures and fart jokes always appreciated.
Well, actually, it was the middle of the night last night, but I'm still broken. I haven't recovered from the vacation. Its been kind of snowballing ever since...
At some point in the vacation, my husband switched from his carefree attitude to "I didn't know this was going to be this expensive" over and over and over again... I specifically recalled someone in the family stating it was going to be extraordinary expensive to travel in this economic situation(maybe it was the toddler?) At some point, I got frustrated and asked my teenager(in all seriousness) why no one listens to me when I talk. He told me, with a brutal honestly and a neutrality(he genuinely was not trying to be hurtful or offensive)only one on the spectrum can deliver well "Oh, its because no one cares what you have to say." Ah, well, thanks kid. You're right. Why couldn't I see that?
I have a role in life. I fix. I solve problems other people can't(provided they don't involve math), and I have the uncomfortable conversations others can't bring themselves to start(but must be said). I've spent the last several months defending my 'people' from a bully we can't be rid of(long story). No one else in the situation has the... well, you know what word I'm looking for. Managing my very unusual household is a challenge few understand as well. Occasionally, someone gets an insight, and I'll get a pat on the back with an "I don't know how you do it", but its exhausting to know there isn't really anyone who can take the reins for me if I'm indisposed. (I recall the kids unknowingly pushing me off the couch, onto the floor, when we all had Covid.)
When you need the unfixable solved, call George! (Unless its math. Then leave me out of it.)
Last night my husband shared(I use that term loosely) how much financial trouble we got into on the trip. He blew through the money we borrowed, blew through the little that was in our account, and reverted to credit cards. (Big no-no.) He shared this when I'm looking at means to potentially afford a very expensive surgery for a cat that spontaneously developed peeing problems(he's only 5, and has never had trouble before, but he keeps getting 'clogged', which is life threatening). I have a little squirreled away for pet problems(that isn't accessible to anyone else) , but this will go beyond that scope.
I'm not an emotional person. He is(usually in the form of urgency and agitation). Sometimes he takes my lack of emotion as lack of care, but I simply explain, again and again, becoming angry doesn't make the problem lessen. I prefer to keep my composure and think logically. I did so here. We go to bed. But later, I wake up and cry that I can fix a lot of things, hell, I can fix most things, but I can't fix everything all the time. This isn't normal for me, so he says nothing(because there's nothing he can say), and just holds me for awhile, and then falls asleep again.
Unfortunately, when I break, I stay down for a little while. Maybe its my brain's way of forcing me to recooperate. I'm keeping what little energy I have for the things I have to do no matter what(kid care, pet care... the dishes can go to hell). I have a therapist appointment in half an hour, which are nice, but some things are just difficult, no matter how much therapy you apply.
Anyways, I'm just ranting. I've always reserved the right to complain(you shouldn't be surprised to hear me say better out than in). (Living)chicken pictures and fart jokes always appreciated.
