sunsplash
Freckled
I journaled this a few days back and decided I want some opinions and help because just releasing the thoughts from my mind to think about in a different way, isn't helping.
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I think I've finally realized a huge obstacle in my search - one that I put there and never realized or perhaps never acknowledged was a problem, but it needs to be addressed.
Anytime someone brings up how you need Jesus to be saved or happy, posts scripture or talks about Christianity on facebook, I get extremely angry. A really deep rooted anger, and this isn't good. I don't like anger, especially persistent anger - it isn't healthy - and in this case I don't even know WHY I'm angry. No other religion makes me feel this way, in fact, I enjoy hearing about how others are spiritually fulfilled in their faith, how a deep meditation was soothing, or shabbat was so wonderful. But when it comes to Christians, I have a complete adverse reaction. I get ****** off to the point of having to consciously tell myself to shut up before I say something uncalled for, ignorant, and unbecoming of myself because I don't want those horrible feelings to be a reflection of who I am, because this is NOT the person I know myself to be!
Is it Christianity that I'm angry at? Or the arrogant Christians that make up the majority of friends and family in my life? I think it's a combination of both. My love and respect for Judaism and how it was twisted and contorted to fit this new breed of religion so far detatched from it's "origin" that it's hardly recognizable, causes me anger. Constantly hearing from people who have "found the way" and "know" that this one religion is right and true for all and others are false, and want to "educate" non-Christians and Christians alike, feeling the need to "remind" them of how to live correctly, almost like they think "they" are superior because they've figured it out and have to hold others below them "accountable" for things that should be none of their damn business, causes me anger. I really hate proselytization - and I try to never use the word hate.
I need to expell these feelings. I thought I was so completely open minded and really appreciated and respected every faith and practitioner, and while that is mostly true, I'd be lying if I attributed those towards the Christ Crew. I shouldn't get so frustrated and angry and feel physically ill when I hear people happy and proud in their spiritual walk - but when it is forced into my life, like I can't catch a breath without hearing about it, I don't know how to stop these feelings, to stop caring and live life for me.
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Have any of you experienced emotions like this, while being a seeker or even while apart of a religon? How do you just let these feeling go, get over them, and move on? I used to question how a person or group could have ignorant hatred towards another, and while I don't hate Christianity, I shouldn't have so many negative feelings about something that has nothing to do with me anymore. I need a spiritual cleanse - I felt so free when I left and what other people thought didn't matter to me because I knew it was right for me - but now I'm always defensive and constantly annoyed, frustrated, and almost offended when it comes to anything pro-Jesus. WTH? What changed? I want my old self back!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I think I've finally realized a huge obstacle in my search - one that I put there and never realized or perhaps never acknowledged was a problem, but it needs to be addressed.
Anytime someone brings up how you need Jesus to be saved or happy, posts scripture or talks about Christianity on facebook, I get extremely angry. A really deep rooted anger, and this isn't good. I don't like anger, especially persistent anger - it isn't healthy - and in this case I don't even know WHY I'm angry. No other religion makes me feel this way, in fact, I enjoy hearing about how others are spiritually fulfilled in their faith, how a deep meditation was soothing, or shabbat was so wonderful. But when it comes to Christians, I have a complete adverse reaction. I get ****** off to the point of having to consciously tell myself to shut up before I say something uncalled for, ignorant, and unbecoming of myself because I don't want those horrible feelings to be a reflection of who I am, because this is NOT the person I know myself to be!
Is it Christianity that I'm angry at? Or the arrogant Christians that make up the majority of friends and family in my life? I think it's a combination of both. My love and respect for Judaism and how it was twisted and contorted to fit this new breed of religion so far detatched from it's "origin" that it's hardly recognizable, causes me anger. Constantly hearing from people who have "found the way" and "know" that this one religion is right and true for all and others are false, and want to "educate" non-Christians and Christians alike, feeling the need to "remind" them of how to live correctly, almost like they think "they" are superior because they've figured it out and have to hold others below them "accountable" for things that should be none of their damn business, causes me anger. I really hate proselytization - and I try to never use the word hate.
I need to expell these feelings. I thought I was so completely open minded and really appreciated and respected every faith and practitioner, and while that is mostly true, I'd be lying if I attributed those towards the Christ Crew. I shouldn't get so frustrated and angry and feel physically ill when I hear people happy and proud in their spiritual walk - but when it is forced into my life, like I can't catch a breath without hearing about it, I don't know how to stop these feelings, to stop caring and live life for me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Have any of you experienced emotions like this, while being a seeker or even while apart of a religon? How do you just let these feeling go, get over them, and move on? I used to question how a person or group could have ignorant hatred towards another, and while I don't hate Christianity, I shouldn't have so many negative feelings about something that has nothing to do with me anymore. I need a spiritual cleanse - I felt so free when I left and what other people thought didn't matter to me because I knew it was right for me - but now I'm always defensive and constantly annoyed, frustrated, and almost offended when it comes to anything pro-Jesus. WTH? What changed? I want my old self back!