This is more of a musing, relating to how I feel as a bhakta.
I do not get tears flowing down my eyes, sometimes when I skip a prayer, I do feel a certain relief, because I'm still very lazy.
I wonder where I'm headed in my bhakti. It does not grow or increase as months pass by. Probably it would take at least a lifetime of sincere sadhana to become a profound bhakta, and that is with luck.
May be others can relate their bhakti experience here.
I write this only as an example for you, not for praise or attention. May Lord Ganesha understand.
Since retirement, and having the time, I can testify that it grows on you. Initially it was tough getting back into the habit of regular prolonged sadhana, but now, after 12 + years, it's easy. I am very close to 100% regular, the only exception being when we travel, or on pilgrimage, or the day we arrive home, and have jet lag.
I do get tears, daily. I'll start, not so enthusiastic, but within the first half hour, generally during puja, there'll be a moment where I just look up and say, "Ah ha!, there it is." the moment when the sannidhya is felt. At times it's overwhelming, like when there's a rush of cool wind, but other times it's subtle. I also go to the temple regularly, and have taken on beautiful task of making garlands for all the deities once a week. There was a catalyst moment about 2 years ago for that. I was at the temple, and none of the deities had any flowers. Besides that, the priest was using old and practically moldy rose petals for archana, even picking some up, and using them over for the next deity. It really hit me ... there's not enough bhakti here, what's wrong with this community.
And then ... Ganesha entered the picture ... "Stop lamenting, and do something about it! It's not like you're broke!" It was a 'whoa!' moment, and that afternoon I went shopping for a florist. With His blessings I was able to find a florist that was willing to allow me to attach an order to hers at wholesale prices. So now, with the gracious help of a couple of friends with some money, every week the deities get fresh garlands, come rain or shine. But it wasn't without His help, cutting through all the mental dross of 'if this', and 'if that', 'I'm not worthy' kind of BS.
My Guru's analogy for inconsistency in sadhana was the question, "You find time to brush your teeth, don't you?"
So to make it grow, I pray for assistance in ideas. He will have an answer. Once this particular routine is established in my subconscious, I wonder what he has for me next.
My Guru also had another great piece of advice that hit me with regard to getting regular. it was simple, yet profound, in the words ... "Well ... make it up." Think of it as missing a utility payment ... eventually you will have to make it up. I've long since made up for the 10-15 years of far less activity religiously for the years we had teenagers, and they were the priority, dharma wise. The first thing was to go to temple 365 times in 365 days ... the equivalent of every day for a year. That was incredibly rewarding.
Best wishes in being granted the clarity to gain insight, and then proceed to manifest the ideas given.
Aum Namasivaya
