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Asking opinions and advice.....

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by We Never Know, Sep 16, 2021.

  1. We Never Know

    We Never Know Well-Known Member

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    I've been happily re-married for 12 years

    With that said an ex-fiance tracked me down and said her marriage is a nightmare. Her husband abuseses her and she fears for her life. She contacted me seeking help because she knows I won't tolerate a man abusing a woman.
    She knows my back ground and values and went as far as saying if you ever loved me, you will help me.
    I told her to call the police..she said she has and they won't do anything.

    My question... Should I help or stay out of it? And no I haven't yet talked to my wife about it because I'm sure she would say its not your problem.

    When does one turn their back on someone they used to care for?

    I'm seeking serious answers.
     
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  2. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Retired Ruler
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    I'd talk to your wife about it, just to be transparent.

    Have you asked this woman what exactly she expects you to do about the situation?
     
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  3. We Never Know

    We Never Know Well-Known Member

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    I know my wife will say its not my problem. She will say you have fought your wars.
    But I used to love this woman so part of me feels I should help. I know that's what she is expecting.
     
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  4. Conscious thoughts

    Conscious thoughts Veteran Member

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    I think it would be wise to notify your wife about what has happened, and if you truly wish to help your ex-fiance you could tell your wife about it, listen to her and make a decision together :)
     
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  5. oldbadger

    oldbadger Skanky Old Mongrel!

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    Has she told you exactly what her husband has done?
    If you can see a certain high-risk or crime, tell her you can see it and suggest that she calls the police (again) right away!
    If she does then she will get a response.
    If she won't then get the hell away from her.
     
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  6. We Never Know

    We Never Know Well-Known Member

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    Thats the plan I'm going to follow but if my wife says not your problem, but myself says do something... Its going to be a dilemma because I cannot stand a man abusing a woman.
     
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  7. We Never Know

    We Never Know Well-Known Member

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    She told me in text messages she feared for her life and was being abused. Thats all I know. Im going to sleep on it, get up and talk to my wife. Thats all I can do for now.
     
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  8. Conscious thoughts

    Conscious thoughts Veteran Member

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    As long as you are honest and open about that your ex has reached out to you for help, there should be some way you can help. That does not mean you bring your ex in to your home :) But I do not know how your wife would react to all this, so yes it can become an issue.
     
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  9. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Retired Ruler
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    Your wife may say its not your problem. And its okay that she says that. You can say something like "Jill notified me she's in trouble. I'm not sure whether or not I'll do something about it, but I wanted you to be aware of the situation. I'll keep you updated on what goes on." She might disapprove, but its better that she knows ahead of time, rather than discovering two months down the road you were talking to 'Jill' and didn't tell her.

    Having been in an abusive relationship before, once thing that helped was figuring out exactly what the next step was. "Get out of there" is too vague. "You will go to Mary's house on March 15th" was much more helpful. Again, what does she need? A moving truck? A look out? Getaway driver? Encouragement to find an apartment? What exactly does she need? You can go over there and clean the guy's clock, but that's unlikely to do any good(she may not even leave).
     
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  10. sun rise

    sun rise "This is the Hour of God"
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    Not knowing your former relationship, what she's really like and what she's expecting you to do, I would go as far as calling an agency or nonprofit dealing with abuse.
     
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  11. oldbadger

    oldbadger Skanky Old Mongrel!

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    ....but she would not call the police...... so, either that's her decision or that's her play for attention.
    What would you do if you were being abused and feared for your life?

    I'd call the police or suggest that to anybody who is being abused or fearing for life. Their gender wouldn't make any difference. At least three or four employees would tell me about these situations a year. Some might shows signs of an assault. I would tell them to call the police and give a statement. About...... 50% wouldn't. 25% would but would later withdraw charges. 25% would go through with a prosecution.
    Some would fail to report or, later on withdraw charges and come back to me months later with ...'He's hurt me again!' I'd give them the same advice...'Call the police.'
     
  12. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Retired Ruler
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    I called my dad. I thought one night my ex would kill me, so I called my dad, thinking his answering machine would pick up what happened. Surprisingly, he answered(I had my phone in my pocket), and he got to hear the whole grisly scenario.

    I would have never called the police. Being poor can sometimes put you in a different relationship with cops, even if you're innocent of any wrongdoings. Years later, my husband and I were attacked and narrowly escaped being shot. We did call the police. One helped, the others joked. One said it was our fault for living in that neighborhood(we invited him to pay our rent elsewhere).

    I don't know what this woman's situation is, but I wanted to give a different perspective of possibilities why she might be avoiding calling police.
     
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  13. Meow Mix

    Meow Mix Chatte Féministe

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    If he's abusive, she should contact a women's shelter. She doesn't necessarily have to physically go (although depending on the abuse, she maybe should), they will have all the advice that she needs.

    Are there kids involved?

    I helped someone in a similar situation by smuggling them a burner phone so they'd be able to call the shelter. She had to coordinate an escape with the kids.
     
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  14. Meow Mix

    Meow Mix Chatte Féministe

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    In fact go ahead and message me if you want. I will contact my friends with contacts at the shelter to see what they say. @We Never Know
     
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  15. Aupmanyav

    Aupmanyav Be your own guru

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    Why should police not do something when a complaint is made? She should then go to a lawyer to make police work. Or live separately and perhaps ask for divorce. In India such a request should and does result in immediate arrest prior to a possible bail.
     
  16. Meow Mix

    Meow Mix Chatte Féministe

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    In a lot of situations with an abuser, it would be very dangerous to involve the police because if the police respond, there's often not much they can do. And then when the police leave, the victim is in a dangerous situation.

    A lot of abusers also check victims' phones and psychologically abuse them and convince them that they can't get help from neighbors or anything like this. That's especially true if children are involved (potential blackmail: the abuse can spill over to the kids).

    I wouldn't be too hasty in calling it a play for attention. I have seen people rescued from situations like this that were absolutely awful, and the victims were terrified and so abused that they were convinced they would be caught even using a secret phone to contact shelters.
     
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  17. Meow Mix

    Meow Mix Chatte Féministe

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    In fact I should reiterate how dangerous these situations really can be for the victim. @We Never Know , she really needs to talk to a shelter, and she needs to do so in a way that the abuser can't check her phone and know she did. These situations can be very serious.
     
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  18. Meow Mix

    Meow Mix Chatte Féministe

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    @We Never Know

    Additionally I'll say this since it sounds like you don't know a lot about her situation. Let me give examples from the situation I was involved with.

    I'll call my acquaintance T.

    T's abuser slowly removed her circle of friends by being upset with her if she went out, to the point that she didn't want to go out anymore. He convinced her to sell her car. He started controlling contacts in her phone, coming up with reasons why she shouldn't talk to so and so anymore. Always using psychological methods of abuse and gaslighting to make her feel guilty, and make her feel like he was taking care of her.

    But what he was really doing was isolating her methodically. Once her isolation was complete, he started controlling the kids. He had her so beaten down, she was asking me questions like "is it normal to have heart palpitations if I take too long getting groceries?" and... honestly, I just checked my phone to see if those messages were still there, and it looks like she deleted them. So I can't remember them. But they were INSANE questions. And I was like "no T that is not normal at all."

    It was like she was so abused that she had to gently broach it, convince herself that the things she was experiencing were wrong. Then it just slowly started trickling out, and I was very alarmed at how dangerous and how controlling her abuser was.

    She would also throw in little things like "but I'm sure he didn't mean it" and things like this.

    You have to understand: abusers can totally, absolutely mess up the minds of their victims! They do this slowly, over time, it's insidious and terrible!

    So we should not assume things like "this is a cry for attention." Something can finally snap and lead a victim to seek help.

    In T's situation, I had to convince her that none of this was normal that she was experiencing, and she was worried about him reading her phone since he controlled it. So she would delete her messages and history, and we planned a meeting that he barely acquiesced to. I'm just a little mute girl, what's the harm, right? (If I remember right she had to beg to even meet an old friend. So disgusting).

    So I brought her a phone and she was able to call a local shelter while out getting groceries. She was able to coordinate an escape with some people she knew better (I hadn't seen her in... something like 7 years or something. I don't think she even knew about my disability at first as my accident happened after she had moved away. She found me on social media and all I can imagine is that she was reaching out to someone she used to know well, that wasn't close to her and knew her abuser, maybe because she was embarrassed, I don't really know. But I got her message out of the blue one day).

    After she and the kids were safe, the shelter helped her figure out legal things like restraining order, whatever legalities were involved with the kids (I was out of the picture at this point so I have no idea), things like that. Moving somewhere that he couldn't find her or the kids.

    I was invited to her wedding (obviously to someone else) a couple of years after that (I went ^.^, she was so happy!). We're not best buds or anything, but we still talk occasionally.

    My point though is that you understand just how much of a hold abusers can have over their victims. It is so serious!!
     
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  19. ImmortalFlame

    ImmortalFlame Veteran Member

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    Second this.

    If she's asking for your help, I'm not entirely sure what she expects you to do beyond maybe getting her connected with a shelter. But, if you do decide to help her, it is still best that you talk to your own wife about it - regardless of what she will say. I have no idea what kind of person would dissuade you from trying to help someone who is being abused.
     
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  20. Meow Mix

    Meow Mix Chatte Féministe

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    You posted this while I was typing the longer story, but the person I helped in one of these situations hadn't talked to me in 7 years (or something, I'm guessing). She reached out to me on social media out of the blue.

    I think something just eventually snaps and victims convince themselves slowly it isn't normal and they need help.

    I have no idea what drives a victim to reach out to someone they haven't contacted in a while, but I suspect it feels safer. Maybe people that are closer might be feared to have ties with the abuser, or there might be embarrassment. I don't know.
     
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