Asking for advice with a difficult situation

[stvdv]

You're most welcome "Beatle girl". You remind me to the time when I listened a lot to the Beatles when young

I confronted my brother shortly after I turned 18,

My husband and I have been together for 30 years and married for 29 years

Oops...little correction here:
"Beatle woman"

 

[stvdv]

My mother's attitude towards me was the same as your father's attitude towards you. She told me that I should be thankful that she tolerates me because nobody else does. She liked to play on my fear of being abandoned. When I was a child, she would purposely let me get lost in a store, and then she would hide behind a clothes rack and watch me frantically cry because I couldn't find her. And one time, she was seen by a store clerk and confronted by the clerk, who scolded her. She said, "That'll teach her for walking away from me."

OMG, how horrible.

And now you share this, I think my father also might have derived pleasure from it. I never thought of that, but reading this from you, a few puzzle pieces fall in place.

And I understand he will never say sorry, he has to admit his whole life has been 1 huge mistake. That is the 1 thing impossible to do for a narcissist

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I am so glad to read this positive part of your story

My husband is the very first person in my life who has stood up to my mother for me. He has stood up to her many times over the years whenever she was verbally abusive towards me. My mother's favorite rebuttal was, "I've never treated my mother like that!" whenever my husband confronted her. She has always complained about how everyone's against her whenever she's confronted for something that she's said or done. She sees herself as a victim, not an abuser. She'll never admit that she's done anything wrong.

 

[stvdv]

Perhaps they worried that placing you elsewhere
would be worse. With these people, that would
be something to discuss.

was one of their excuses for not calling CPS or the police. Ironically, my husband and I discussed this tonight on the phone

I told him, "I was already being physically, psychologically, and sexually abused

+

When I was a child, she would purposely let me get lost in a store, and then she would hide behind a clothes rack and watch me frantically cry because I couldn't find her

And once, she was seen by an employee. The clerk confronted her and scolded her. She said, "That'll teach her to walk away from me."

+

My aunt (my adopted mother's younger sister) told me about a year and a half ago that she and the rest of our family knew of the abuse.

She also told me that the reason why she didn't call the police on my mother was because my mother is her sister.

As she was explaining all of this to me, I felt like the world was crumbling down around me. I felt very dizzy and sick to my stomach

IMHO:

Never doubt youself on this, you know (feeling sick in stomach proves you know the truth, body does not lie). Seems overwhelming amount of proof what their real intentions are

Reading all this, I would be highly surprised if they worried about you being off worse, probably they are worried about jail time if all would comes out in the open. For them it must feel easier to lie than admit it ever happened

This might also indicate they will never admit they were wrong, nor say sorry (would be proof against them)

 

[stvdv]

My husband is the very first person in my life who has stood up to my mother for me. He has stood up to her many times over the years whenever she was verbally abusive towards me

Very wise to marry him. Wonderful husband you have

 

[Hermit Philosopher]

Hi All,

I need help remembering who the grandfather of the boy who’s kept in his room most of the time by his mother and stepfather is. Does anyone remember?

I think that @Sgt. Pepper should speak to them because it may lead to some new insights and perspective.

Grateful for input from ppl with good memory.


Humbly
Hermit

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Hi All,

I need help remembering who the grandfather of the boy who’s kept in his room most of the time by his mother and stepfather is. Does anyone remember?

I think that @Sgt. Pepper should speak to them because it may lead to some new insights and perspective.

Grateful for input from ppl with good memory.


Humbly
Hermit

The member is @We Never Know. I've read his threads: I have a problem and I have a problem...update.

 

[Hermit Philosopher]

The member is @We Never Know. I've read his threads: I have a problem and I have a problem...update.

Thank you so much @Sgt. Pepper.

Your post made me think of those threads by @We Never Know because I felt that they illustrate how difficult it can be for family members to dare take action, despite their genuine love and concern. There is always a fear that one may be cut off and lose all contact with the child in question, etc.

Perhaps it is not helpful to you, but I thought a conversation between you and @We Never Know seemed like a good idea.

Sending you strength and courage.


Humbly
Hermit

 

[Revoltingest]

That was one of their excuses for not calling CPS or the police. Ironically, my husband and I discussed this tonight on the phone. I told him, "I was already being physically, psychologically, and sexually abused." I said, "The only worse thing I could think of was being murdered if I was placed in foster care." I suffered abuse every single day while I was growing up. If I had been taken away and put back into foster care, then maybe I could have had a chance of having a good life while I was growing up, or maybe I would have been abused somewhere else. I'll never know, but what I do know is my extended family made the choice to leave me in an abusive home.

Perhaps your telling your perspective to those who
refrained from calling CPS would be a catharsis for
you, & informative to them.

 

[George-ananda]

My advice would be to not respond, accept that the past happened and move on without things that will cause you to relive the past. Accept that others have real problems too but you need to move on forward.

The less you stir things up the more peace will gradually come to you.

If you respond you will probably get her same defensive rhetoric back and the rut and pain just stays rawer. Time can dampen down the past.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Never doubt youself on this, you know (feeling sick in stomach proves you know the truth, body does not lie). Seems overwhelming amount of proof what their real intentions are

Reading all this, I would be highly surprised if they worried about you being off worse, probably they are worried about jail time if all would comes out in the open. For them it must feel easier to lie than admit it ever happened

This might also indicate they will never admit they were wrong, nor say sorry (would be proof against them)

I honestly don't know if what I was told about their reasons for leaving me in an abusive home is true or not.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Thank you so much @Sgt. Pepper.

You're welcome.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

Perhaps your telling your perspective to those who
refrained from calling CPS would be a catharsis for
you, & informative to them.

I doubt it would be beneficial for me personally if I confronted them like that. It would only cause me more pain and sadness.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

My advice would be to not respond, accept that the past happened and move on without things that will cause you to relive the past. Accept that others have real problems too but you need to move on forward.

The less you stir things up the more peace will gradually come to you.

If you respond you will probably get her same defensive rhetoric back and the rut and pain just stays rawer. Time can dampen down the past.

I haven't decided yet whether I'll respond to her or not, and I'm not going to rush to a decision.

 

[Revoltingest]

I doubt it would be beneficial for me personally if I confronted them like that. It would only cause me more pain and sadness.

I recommend risking trying it with one
you deem most receptive. There's more
to gain than there is to lose.

And of course, this is just advice for your
consideration. I don't presume to know
much about your situation.

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I recommend risking trying it with one
you deem most receptive. There's more
to gain than there is to lose.

And of course, this is just advice for your
consideration. I don't presume to know
much about your situation.

I appreciate your advice, Revoltingest. Thank you.

 

[stvdv]

I honestly don't know if what I was told about their reasons for leaving me in an abusive home is true or not.

You were asking:

The purpose of my thread is to ask for advice on whether I should reply to her or not. If I decide to reply, then should I confront her for turning a blind eye and leaving me in an abusive home while I was growing up? For the record, I'm not looking for advice or other remarks that involve the Christian God. Been there, done that. I'm not interested in being preached at, lectured at, or proselytized.

Did you got some clarity to these questions?

For me the most important thing was/is to figure out what is the best for me. I was abused, so, I need not worry about those who watched silently and did nothing.

If they feel guilty now, that is something they have to deal with themselves.

 

[stvdv]

I honestly don't know if what I was told about their reasons for leaving me in an abusive home is true or not.

The purpose of my thread is to ask for advice on whether I should reply to her or not.

I personally do not believe any more in "should I (reply to them)" kind of phrases. You should (not) " I have heard enough in the Church".

These do not work for me. I better follow my heart, conscience, feeling. IF it feels 100% perfect for me, meaning not a single doubt, then I continue with it; if I find myself in situations like this

To get rid of "I should (not)" was a tough one for me, having too much guilt feelings. But I learn each day

How do you feel, about talking to your aunt?
Do you look forward to talk to her?
If yes then do it, why not?
If not then why talk?

Can you give 1 good reason to talk to her?
If so then you can talk to her?

Does it make sense?
If not then tell me please, I like to learn too

 

[Sgt. Pepper]

I personally do not believe any more in "should I (reply to them)" kind of phrases. You should (not) " I have heard enough in the Church".

These do not work for me. I better follow my heart, conscience, feeling. IF it feels 100% perfect for me, meaning not a single doubt, then I continue with it; if I find myself in situations like this

To get rid of "I should (not)" was a tough one for me, having too much guilt feelings. But I learn each day

How do you feel, about talking to your aunt?
Do you look forward to talk to her?
If yes then do it, why not?
If not then why talk?

Can you give 1 good reason to talk to her?
If so then you can talk to her?

Does it make sense?
If not then tell me please, I like to learn too

To be honest, I can't think of a good reason to talk to my aunt. I know I would feel even more anger and frustration if I talked to her now. I don't have any desire whatsoever to be reconciled with her or with anyone else in my family, least of all my adopted parents and my adopted brother. I forgot to mention in my OP that I would like to speak to an attorney about unsealing my adoption papers, rescinding my adoption, and legally changing my name to the name I was given at birth. My husband thinks that accomplishing these things won't help me move forward with my life. But I think it will help me emotionally heal if I completely sever these legal ties to my adopted parents. He said he would support me with whatever I decided, but he asked me to take my time and seriously think about it before we proceeded. He thinks that going to court in order to sever the legal ties to my parents will emotionally devastate me.

 

[stvdv]

To be completely honest, I can't think of a good reason to talk to my aunt.

That might be a good reason to "not talk to her", right?

I know I would feel even more anger and frustration if I talked to her now

Okay, that seems a good reason to "not talk to her"

I don't have any desire whatsoever to be reconciled with her or with anyone else in my family

Very clear, and totally understandable. And from your story I got the idea that they don't want to reconcile, right?

least of all my adopted parents and my adopted brother

that I understand completely

I forgot to mention that I told my husband that I'd like to speak to an attorney about unsealing my adoption papers, rescinding my adoption, and legally changing my name to the name I was given at birth.

That I can also understand