Arranged Marriage

[columbus]

If the father wants a woman around the house, then he can go out and get a job, get his own place, and get married himself.

They live in Canada.
Of course he can.

Well, maybe not. Canada has much stricter rules about getting jobs than the USA.

But @Evangelicalhumanist friend could decide that for himself. He's choosing something else, for reasons that E doesn't understand.

That doesn't make the Hindu guy wrong.
Tom

 

[columbus]

Are you familiar with the concept of false choice?

Yes.
Are you familiar with the concept of fake news?
Tom

 

[epronovost]

Yes.
Tom

Then you understand that if you place a person in a condition by a family member where he must chose the love and respect of his family or his own happiness and self-respect that this is a false choice. The person in question didn't cannot "win". It's a lose, lose situation and it's a situation imposed upon him by someone else. This isn't a choice. It's emotional abuse by a father toward his own son for the sole benefit of the father. How can you not see this a a false choice?

 

[Evangelicalhumanist]

Then you understand that if you place a person in a condition by a family member where he must chose the love and respect of his family or his own happiness and self-respect that this is a false choice. The person in question didn't cannot "win". It's a lose, lose situation and it's a situation imposed upon him by someone else. This isn't a choice. It's emotional abuse by a father toward his own son for the sole benefit of the father. How can you not see this a a false choice?

That is how I feel about it, but @columbus makes some good points that I have to consider, as well. In the meantime, I have told my friend that while I don't understand it, I accept his decision. What else can I do? I'm not family, and am bound to respect other people's choices.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I have a friend, someone I share a bit of conversation and a few drinks with several times a week, on a casual basis. As it happens, he is a Hindu (though not religious).

Here's the issue: after his mother died (in India), his father moved to Canada to live with him, and has now decided that it is time that my friend was married so that there can be a woman in the house. (My friend cooks for his father every single day, and keeps house for him, too, while holding down a full-time job in Information Technology.)

In fact, his father has decided who it is that he is going to marry, and when. An Indian woman my friend met only long ago as a child. This has been agreed to between my friend's father and the girl's father.

The issue? My friend doesn't want to get married! (I think that he may even be gay, though I've never sifted him on that point, as he has never offered up any real reason for me to think so.) But he most definitely does not want to marry this person. But culturally, he feels trapped. He is really either afraid or very loathe to say "no" to his father on this point.

I went a little further than I usually would in such a situation. Normally I would hold my peace and not offer advice, because who am I to advise anyone? But this time, I told him -- "You're a Canadian! You are a man, your own man. There is nobody on this side of the ocean who can force you to marry against your will."

He is still really, really torn -- and I think in the end he is simply going to give and obey his father, and that culturally-driven arranged marriage nonsense.

Sad. I feel for the guy. I'm just glad that I'm not from such a culture. I wouldn't put up with it. I loathe being told what to do as it is, so I would surely be a social pariah. I'm not one of the types who believes all cultures are equal, either.

 

[epronovost]

That is how I feel about it, but @columbus makes some good points that I have to consider, as well. In the meantime, I have told my friend that while I don't understand it, I accept his decision. What else can I do? I'm not family, and am bound to respect other people's choices.

I do respect his choice. It's probably the least worst he could take in his situation, but we would collectively be fools for not making it crystal clear to his father that this sort of behavior is nothing short of abuse. He should have never placed his son in such a position.

 

[SomeRandom]

Actually no... I am 2nd generation American of Italian-Sicilian descent. I’m painfully aware of the hold and influence the Roman Catholic Church and family have, even today.

Years ago I was invited to a Russian Christmas Eve dinner by some people I became friends with. Christmas Eve is a big to-do among Italians. My sister, American born baby-boomer ripped me a new one for planning to have dinner with “strangers” instead of family.

Well then you of all people know how hard it is for kids to go against arranged marriage and break their parents hearts. I’m just the really weird one who bucked against the system.

 

[Jainarayan]

Well then you of all people know how hard it is for kids to go against arranged marriage and break their parents hearts. I’m just the really weird one who bucked against the system.

I do, which is why I never recommended it. I’m not above deceit though (everything I need to know about life I learned from Sri Krishna ) which is why I suggested the jyotisa.

 

[Vinayaka]

Someone I knew from work, an Indian, went back home to get married in an arranged marriage. His seemed as good as some for romantic love that hit the rocks when the initial romantic buzz ended.

Arranged marriages in Hinduism (and other cultures ... Islam for instance) vary by culture. It sounds like this case is the really old style, but I'm still not sure. I have many friends (Sri Lankan) who had arranged marriages, and in each and every case, both parties in the marriage had a choice. After meeting the perspective spouse, they had every right to call it off. This method is quite practical, and totally avoids the dating game played in western culture. It isn't dictatorial at all, as in the case mentioned in this OP. (At least it sounds like it.)

Hinduism is vast, and there is great variance in all things. Some groups are patriarchal, some are matriarchal, and some are just practical. I see a danger with generalising what is happening in the OP case to the whole of Hinduism,

 

[IndigoChild5559]

I'm not against arranged marriages, so long as the bride and groom have veto power. If this guy doesn't want to get married, it's a bad bad idea. Not only would he be unhappy, men who don't want to marry also make their wives unhappy. The only one that would be happier would be the father, and it's ultimately not his decision in the end.