I am married. My husband and I are on opposites poles with our sexuality. He is of a "vanilla" taste which mine are very much not. Is it considered a sin to have sexual immoral thoughts during sex with your husband to obtain sexual pleasure while thinking of a sexual act with a faceless person (the faceless person performing my sexual fantasy on me) to achieve sexual satisfaction?
Greets. There are several key scriptures that come to mind with this question. What does God think about the matter?
A Christian is told not to let a rotten saying come out of their mouth. But really where does speech start? In the mind, and what is in the mind is usually dominated by the heart.
Jesus said this truth:
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For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks."-Matthew 12:34.
Do you want to know what is on a person's heart? Listen to their speech. They can't hide it. Even now for example you are on a website asking strangers about something that is in your heart.
Jesus also said this:
“You heard that it was said: ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."-Matthew 5:27, 28.
In the Mosaic Law adultery was forbidden. The last of the original "10 commandments" went further than forbidding the act. It forbid the thought of covetousness. Now that law could never be enforced by a human. For only God can read hearts. Of course, covetousness can lead to a wrong course of action.
So that is really the point. The wrong desire starts in the heart, and then when that thought is fertile it gives birth to sin, and then sin to death:
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But each one is tried by being drawn out and enticed by his own desire. Then the desire, when it has become fertile, gives birth to sin; in turn sin, when it has been carried out, brings forth death."-James 1:14, 15.
Do you see the danger in harboring wrong desires? Although Jesus said the act of adultery is in your heart, he didn't say you committed adultery, the fact is the defect is in your heart. And God warns us not to trust our heart because it is more treacherous than we can understand, and to safeguard our heart for out of it are the sources of life:
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The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?"-Jeremiah 17:9.
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Above all the things that you guard, safeguard your heart,
For out of it are the sources of life."
-Proverbs 4:23.
The craving for sexual immorality is actually an insatiable desire. It is greediness and considered idolatry. And it is on account of this sort of thinking and conduct that the wrath of God is coming. God's word commands a Christian to
deaden the immoral desire in their hearts:
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Deaden, therefore, your body members that are on the earth as respects sexual immorality, uncleanness, uncontrolled sexual passion, hurtful desire, and greediness, which is idolatry. 6 On account of those things the wrath of God is coming."-Colossians 3:5, 6.
So, is craving sexual relations with someone other than your marriage mate wrong in God's eyes? Yes. He commands us to not covet what does not belong to us. Jesus tells us that a person that looks with passion on another (that is already married) has already committed adultery with that person in their heart. (he is referring to a man but the same goes for the woman). God's word warns us that the heart is not to be trusted, to safeguard it. To deaden your body members as respects sexual immorality and uncontrolled sexual passion, which is greediness. This is idolatry. A person who acts in this way has an insatiable craving. That is, it will never be satisfied. It is like a person looking for more money, or more power. More is never enough just as the Proverb goes:
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A lover of silver will never be satisfied with silver, nor a lover of wealth with income. This too is futility."-Ecclesiastes 5:10.
That is why you can see very wealthy and rich people who crave more never become satisfied with what they already have. Or the same with a person looking for power. It is a mental disease that eats away at a person and controls their actions and thoughts. And as we were told the minding of the selfish fleshly desires lead to death.
When you marry you enter into a covenant relationship with your spouse. You make a vow, a promise to cherish the other person and make that person special in your life. Your marriage mate is your exclusive mate you will enjoy sexual relationship with. You have made that contract. And God expects you to keep your oath. And your spouse can rightfully expect you keep your oath to them as well. This idea is neither archaic or wrong. It is right and proper:
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Whenever you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it, for he finds no pleasure in the stupid ones. What you vow, pay."-Ecclesiastes 5:4.
Sexual immorality should not even be mentioned:
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Let sexual immorality and every sort of uncleanness or greediness not even be mentioned among you, just as is proper for holy people; neither shameful conduct nor foolish talking nor obscene jesting—things that are not befitting—but rather the giving of thanks. For you know this, recognizing it for yourselves, that no sexually immoral person or unclean person or greedy person, which means being an idolater, has any inheritance in the Kingdom of the Christ and of God."-Ephesians 5:3-5.
ETA: Just a couple of scriptures that may help you do what is right:
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Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are of serious concern, whatever things are righteous, whatever things are chaste, whatever things are lovable, whatever things are well-spoken-of, whatever things are virtuous, and whatever things are praiseworthy, continue considering these things."-Philippians 4:8.
Keep your mind focused on what is true, righteous, chaste, lovable, virtuous, and praiseworthy.
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Instruct me, O Jehovah, about your way.
I will walk in your truth.
Unify my heart to fear your name."
-Psalm 86:11.
To unify your heart means to make it complete. A heart my love Jehovah but it may be divided. It may also love badness. Have the same mind as did the Psalmist here. Pray that God "unifies," that is makes complete, your heart to serve him. If it is complete, there will be no room for wickedness or immorality:
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O you who love Jehovah, hate what is bad.
He is guarding the lives of his loyal ones;
He rescues them from the hand of the wicked."
-Psalm 97:10.
God detests a perfidious, unloyal, unfaithful person. Make it your prayer to do as the Psalmist here says, to
love Jehovah, you have to hate what is bad.
(Psalm 34:14) Turn away from what is bad and do what is good; Seek peace and pursue it.
(Psalm 101:3) I will not set anything worthless before my eyes. I hate the deeds of those who deviate from what is right; I will have nothing to do with them.
(Psalm 119:104) By your orders I act with understanding. That is why I hate every false path.
(Romans 12:9) Let your love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is wicked; cling to what is good.
